Wednesday, July 15, 2009

I Need To Write

My mind is so emotional right now, its crazy. All I think about are my feelings, how I feel about this, how I feel about that. How he feels about this, how he feels about that. And it is driving me fucking crazy. Like I can't even focus. Im at work staring at the computer because I can't get this bullshit out of my head.

I hate feelings. Anybody who knows me well, knows that I am not an emotional person. Or better yet, I rarely have public displays of my emotions. Mainly because Ive mastered the art of controlling my emotions. Well moreso mastered the art of controlling how I express my emotions. Because emotions are uncontrollable. I can't stop myself from getting mad or jealous, but I can control how I express it.

But what I hate is when a surge or overflow of emotions comes over me, and its too much for me to control, and I guess in my attempt to try and control myself, I cry. Whenever Im feeling any type of emotion in an extreme, I cry. And I can't help it.

Its like Im trying so hard to control my emotions, that they build up and build up, and so when they are finally released, I don't know how to handle them. Or when a certain unexpected situation comes up that triggers my emotions, it takes over my mind, and body. I start crying, my voice will start cracking, and I won't be able to talk at all. And then, I won't be able to stop thinking about it. EVER. Because I remember every detail about stuff, and I cant forget. And so stuff is always replaying through my mind. OVER AND OVER.

And it drives me crazy. I hate it. Like I give my friends hell when they fall head over heels in love with people (usually no-good guys), but at the same time Im jealous at the fact that I just can't allow myself to do that. Like I want to not worry, and not wonder, and not be so afraid of how I feel. And be able to express exactly how I feel. But I can't help it. (Im a Leo, My Venus and Rising Sign is in Virgo). So I feel like I was doomed in matters of the heart and Love from day 1.

Because being a Leo means that Im ruled by my heart, and therefore I desire love more than anything else. Which is true. But with my Venus and Rising Sign in Virgo, it makes me very skeptical, critical, and analytical of everything, but especially love and matters of the heart. Which is also true. But then I also have the power of the Leo EGO working against me as well. Because I will not allow anything compromise my pride, and Love is just one of those things that you have to but aside your pride sometimes and just go with the flow.

And I've been trying. I have. But another thing that also makes it hard for me is the fact that I can almost look at somebody and tell whether or not they are worth my time or not. And I've even tried talking to people that I felt wasn't right for me from the moment I met them, only to find out that I was right, and they just wasn't the person for me.

And while that is a good thing, because it saves me alot of heartache and time because I can weed out the non-potentials, it makes finding somebody that I actually like, a very rare occurence. In fact, I can honestly say that I have only really liked 3 people in my entire 22 years of life (about to be 23 soon), and that is including the person that I am currently "liking."

And its bad because I will never really move on until I find somebody else that I really like. And then I drop everything and won't ever look back. Its crazy. And I can't help it. Its how I am. And its crazy because I know everything I do, in matters of love, is all out of fear of being played, rejected, and heartbroken.

Which is another reason that I have such a hard time with love. Because of my fear of having my heart broke, I will never show my the extent of my emotions anymore than the person I like. I will treat him how he treats me. And I always wonder how the person really feels about me, but because I have a hard time telling somebody how I really feel about them, I never ask because I know that conversation is always gonna end up with me having to tell them how I really feel too.
Like I wish I could just do it. Like no worries, this is how I feel. And I have people who tell me I just need to do it. But I can't. Even though I know how bad I need to let somebody know how I feel sometimes.

And whats frustrating me so much now is that I have a guy that I care about. I don't love him. I like him and I care about him. But we aren't boyfriend/girlfriend or anything, so I try not to have too many expectations of him. But we have been talking for a while now and so I do have feelings for him. We don't have any problems. We've never had an argument, or fight. When we're together we get along great. But its a constant love/hate thing with me because of the fact that he is so unpredictable and unreliable.

Like I can see him and talk to him endlessly one week, and then will not hear from him at all for 2 weeks. And I will call and text and he won't return them, and it makes me angry at myself for even wasting my time with him. And then as soon as Ive decided that he is not worth it, and stop calling and texting him, he calls me. And the cycle is repeated. And I can't figure out how to break it. Because I don't want to stop talking to him. I want him to act right. But he has been like this for a while now, and so I can see that it is just him. But it still drives me crazy.

And now my dilemma is whether I can deal with that part of his personality, or not. And the way that I've been dealing with it is by not calling and texting him, but thats getting to be hard because I want to call him and see him, and talk to him. I just can't win it seems like.

But I think Im making it more difficult than it actually is, because at the very least I know he respects me. And I know he wouldn't intentionally hurt my feelings. But whether unintentional or not, I can see myself getting hurt by him. From the moment I realized I liked him, I said he was going to be the guy to completely break my heart. And Im really scared that he will. And Im trying not to develop a self-fulfillilng prophecy about it, but I can't help it.

And Ive tried trying to find more guys to talk to, so that I could at least get my mind off him for a while. But again, that doesn't work because I want him. I don't want anybody else. At least thats what my heart is telling me. Because I do like him, and he does make me happy when Im with him, but it drives me crazy with all the thinking, feeling, and emotions when Im not. And then facebook doesn't help. And then knowing that he talks to other girls doesn't help. And knowing that he is a Gemini doesn't help. And not knowing exactly how he feels doesn't help.

But at the same time, I don't want to ask him how he feels because I don't want it to change anything. Because I don't want him to be my boyfriend. I ultimately just want the boy to answer his phone, and not ignore me. Because if I don't answer his texts back within a reasonable time, he will call me, and text me stuff like "how you gone text me then not text me back." And I fall for it every time. He makes me weak. And that is not a good thing. For me. At All. Because usually I be wanting to see him so bad, that I will forget all the shit that I was mad at him for as soon as he calls or texts me. Its bad. Really bad.

And I kinda wanna just start ignoring him and stuff when he calls me, but Im too scared my plan will backfire. Plus I don't like playing games anyway. Id rather not, but Im not above it. But Id rather not. I guess I just want some type of reaction out of him. SOMETHING. that will let me know where I stand. Because I know how I feel and where I stand, but I don't know with him, and so I can't really make the decision of whether I want to say fuck it or not. Because I don't think it would be fair for me to just decide to say fuck it when I never told him how I felt, and he has never told me.

I don't know. I guess I just know how serious Love is. See how my mind works. I can't think of anything without going through every possible situation. Which may work out in other aspects of my life that requires that, but not in Love.

Love is suppose to be spontaneous, and spur of the moment. Its suppose to come in and swoop you off your feet (and sometimes bring you back to reality) without a moment's notice. You should never have specific expectations of Love. Because the way I love you, may be different from the way you love me. And the way I show you that I love you, may be different from the way you show you love me. But it does not mean that I love you any less or more.

And while I know all of this, and can pull all of this out of my head, I still just can't seem to let myself love and be loved. But Im working on being more verbally expressive of my true feelings. And stopping trying to think about my feelings so much, and to just feel them. Baby Steps, Baby Steps.

(whew) This really helped...

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