tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19511271623254073162024-03-05T18:17:45.241-08:00Zero GravityFlyness without EffortMuah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.comBlogger251125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1951127162325407316.post-21993840148003629892018-01-28T09:35:00.000-08:002018-01-28T09:35:28.670-08:00Coming up with NothingTried to think of a heading for this post but I'm coming up with nothing. I just need to clear my mind and get my get my thoughts back in order. I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll start with one of my favorite subjects: LOVE.<br />
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Even though I never truly feel the love, I guess its there huh? Some people just seem so loved and idk if its because of the love they show to others or because they demand it. Idk. I always feel like I'm missing something. Like everybody got these secrets that I know nothing about. And the more I try to experience love, the more I get hurt. And idk if its because I'm looking for love in all the wrong places, or what. I'm lost.<br />
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And what is so mind boggling to me is that I meet him guys who are emotionally unavailable. And I'm starting to think that maybe I'm the reason for that. Am I emotionally unavailable? I don't think I am. I want to love the fuck outta somebody one day. I really do. But shit always seem like an uphill battle and I know it shouldn't be this hard. I feel like every guy I deal with I have to reprogram them because they be having relationships and women and shit fucked up. All women are not "CRAZY." All women don't have to text, call and boo love all day for shit to be cool. I'm not a typical woman, I know that. I don't do typical thing, I do me. And I think its hard to find somebody who can appreciate a woman like me. I am independent, always have been. Depending on others has never really worked out in my favor, so I try not to do it. I got me. And I think that may intimidate guys who used to needy woman. I can definitely take care of myself. I'm very far from a damsel in distress but sometimes I feel like my life would be so much easier and fulfilling if I just played the role of one.<br />
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I'm chill naturally. And when I'm not chillin, I'm probably somewhere wilding out. Or what I call wilding out. Its really just being myself but I just chill alot cause my personality very nightlife and its not always called for. But sometimes I chill so much that I feel like I'm not being myself. And I want people to know both sides of me because I am very dichotomous. I'm either somewhere acting like a grandma or turning up like a 21 year old. No in between. I hide behind my cool demeanor. It's me but its more of a defense mechanism, I guess.<br />
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If you don't know the real me, then you can't judge me. You can't predict what I might do next. You can't try to box me in a certain category. You just gotta accept me for me and learn to love me for who I am. And the more comfortable I am with you, the more I will show you what I call "the real me." Not everybody gets to see that person. I'm very sensitive and easily hurt. I take everything personal and be ready to beat motherfuckers up all the time. I'm kinda loud and ratchet when I wanna be. I have no couth cause sometimes the shit I say out of my mouth, I dont see whats wrong with it. Especially if its the truth. I realize that a lot of that has a negative connotation but I'm also genuine, and I have a loving, caring spirit. And I don't really fear too much. Love was a fear of mine for a long time because of heartbreak. But after having my heart shattered into a million pieces and I had pick it all up and put it back together, I'm not scared anymore, I'm cautious. I'm careful. I keep a very close watch on my emotions and feelings. I always have but its with better intention this time.<br />
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If I fear anything, its not living out my life. I fear being stuck in some bullshit forever. I fear not being able to have the love of my life and family and a child or children of my own. I fear wasting so much time with the wrong person. I fear giving so much of myself away that there's nothing left for me at the end of the day. I fear not being appreciated. I fear not feeling loved. I fear that my life story will be nothing but "Megan was a good person. She was always there for me when I needed her. And she knew how to have fun." And thats it. And I dont mind those things, but I want more for myself out of my own life instead of it being defined by what I did for others. I feel like right now, the things I have done for others is my greatest accomplishment. And thats not a bad thing but its not necessarily all that good for me because I spend so much time helping others.<br />
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And it happens naturally. So naturally that sometimes I have to tell myself I can't be everything to everybody. And I will feel bad about it when I can't do something. I make people problems my own way too often and the sad part that really hurts me is they never truly appreciate. Like the shit I've done for people, I could never repay me enough for it. Cause it was genuine. It wasn't for no other reason than the fact that I decided to do it. People may have asked me but I did it because I chose to. And to me, to have a genuine person on your team that is willing to look out for your best interests is everything. It almost seem unreal to me because idk who does that for me, besides God. I dont even know if I really look out for my own best interests. Idk what my interests are anymore.<br />
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I'm so lost. I dont know how much more soul searching I can do. I feel like I been soul searching for the past 10 years. Since I been out of high school forreal. I dont like to compare myself to others but its hard not to. I don't feel like I'm doing bad in life, but I know I could be doing a lot better for myself. I've allowed myself to feel stuck and I do not know why. I think because I'm getting older and I feel like I should be living a more stable lifestyle. But I don't have kids. Like my life would be totally different if I had children. I know for a fact. Not necessarily as far as what I do, but as far as what I have for myself. Cause I aint got shit but my iPhone now.<br />
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<br />Muah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1951127162325407316.post-1691310197605041762016-02-22T07:41:00.002-08:002016-02-22T07:41:34.172-08:00And So It Begins...AGAINThat's a phrase that I always use when I embark on a new adventure or experience. This time its a little different because I've done this before. Back in 2009, I left my current job, packed all my clothes up and moved to Maryland with some relatives. I spent 6 months being broke and poor, living off a refund I got for taking college classes. That I didn't even finish because I really just needed the money. I woke up every morning about 8:00 and applied for jobs online until about 12:00 pm. EVERY SINGLE DAY.<br />
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I got interviews. I got job offers. I didn't take anything of them because they weren't within the realm of what I could realistically do. Most of the jobs I needed a car of my own and I had left my car with my mom in NC. I had to rely on public transportation to get to and from work if I accepted the job. I eventually ended up moving back to NC to work my old job for the summer when I got a phone call while at work one day with a job offer that could work for me. I interviewed for an assistant position at University of MD and the lady I interviewed with liked me so much she decided to take a chance on me. There were people more qualified for the job, but somehow I impressed her and she wanted me to work for her. She called me and offered me the job and I took it.<br />
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I had a going away party and moved back to Maryland the next day to start my job. It was a good experience. I loved my job. It was unfortunate I was brought into a work environment that was shitty and had to deal with a lot of petty co-workers because of it. It was slightly racial seeing as me and my supervisor were the only black people in the office and we were always targeted for something. Shit we didn't even do. Everybody was mad we actually came to work and did our jobs. And it made them look bad because they came to work to socialize and make fake friends and shit. Until eventually, as a tactic to get back at my supervisor, they suddenly let me go because of "budget cuts." I respect them for that just because it allowed me to get unemployment.<br />
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I was so happy in that moment. I got a chance to relax for once. Sorta. My personal life was completely in shambles at the time too. The one person I thought had my back up and left me to raise his child and be with his baby mama. I was devastated. Took me YEARS to recover. And by years I mean, at least like 5 years to fully feel like myself again. But surviving that heartbreak let me know that I care about my life and myself more than anything out here. I was living with my aunt and uncle at the time. They were mad at me because I moved in with them under the agreement that I would tutor and help their son with his school work. Which I did. But I did it in a way where he didn't always need me. I taught him how to do the shit himself. How to be confident that he can write an essay on his own. And I know for a fact, it helped him tremendously but they couldn't see that. All they could see is I wasn't stuck up they son ass or theirs. For anything. After losing my job, I started staying with my friend. I only went back to my aunts house if I needed clothes. My aunt asked my cousin to write me a letter asking me to leave her house. I was gonna be petty and sit around and wait for her to say something to me but instead, I packed all my shit, and took the bus to back to NC.<br />
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Again, a decision I am proud of because it gave me the opportunity to spend the last 3 years of my grandfathers life with him. I helped my mom and aunt take care of him as he suffered with COPD and eventually come to find out Metastatic liver cancer. My grandfather was on hospice care for like a year and a half. Being on it so long that they wanted to take him off because he wasn't getting worse. When in actuality, he just wasn't showing it. I wouldn't trade that moment in time for anything else in the world and would make that same decision a million times over. Even just writing about this is making me tear up because it was something that I sacrificed myself for. I could have been out doing other things with my life but I wanted to be there for my grandfather. And him telling my mom one day that I do all the important work in the house let me know that he saw my dedication to him and his wellbeing, even though he was slowly dying right in front of my eyes. One of the hardest things I ever had to deal with. I cried many nights praying that my grandfather died in his sleep so he wouldn't have to suffer so bad. He suffered but he went out a lot more peacefully than he could have. I was always worried that I would walk in his room and see him trying to catch his breath and watch him basically have a heart attack and die in front of my face. I couldn't handle that and I prayed often for better for my grandfather and God came through for me. Of course. And I will forever be grateful for that. God got me for that one forreal. And the fact that my grandfathers death was one of the best times of my life as far as family being around and everyone just having a good time, just like my grandfather wished, it was magical. It was like it used to be as far as my family getting together and just enjoying life. My grandfather was really the life of the party. I loved him for than anything. We had a relationship of respect and love and understanding. I was the only person who could talk to my grandfather when he got into one of his fuck what you talking about moods. And i would have to get rough. He's pulled a knife on me plenty times but it was all love. He knew he met his match with me. I'm just like my grandmother lol. Sweetest woman on Earth until you fuck with her, then you better take cover bitch cause its going down. And I'm not stopping until I do and say everything I want to.<br />
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But I said all that to say that, its about to go down! I made a decision recently that was huge for me. God willin everything goes magically wonderful and this will probably hands down be the turning point of my life that I will always look back on and be like I'm so glad you did that shit. I'm so glad you went against everything you've been told and made a choice that was best for you. And you never looked back. On and upward. I feel like sometimes we talk about dreams but we don't think its possible to live them. And I'm still not sure what will come from this decision but I wanna chase my dreams some more. I know for a fact I'll never catch em if I don't try so this is it. It is time. Shout out to Rob and my cousin Chaise for being life livers and making me realize that I need to start now before I get sucked into the world of giving up. I really feel like things are going to be great though. I don't know how things will play out at all, but I've always been good at winging it with a plan. So here we go once again...<br />
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And so it begins.<br />
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God please watch over me as I embark on this journey. Grandma, Dude and Chaise, I know yall got me. My three angels in heaven. Love yall for eternity. I think I'm ready. Somebody gotta do it for us all. I kinda always been the chosen one. The golden child. I been different. Time to live like it. Get my life forreal. Amen.<br />
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<br />Muah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1951127162325407316.post-78751163745687800502015-04-17T09:32:00.004-07:002015-04-17T09:34:55.190-07:00"I think I like who I'm becoming..." - DrakeI decided to come to this blog with a different attitude today and instead of discussing my frustrations, I want to speak on some accomplishments I've made in the past couple years.<br />
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One of the biggest accomplishments I have made recently is surviving having my heartbroken and remaining positive about love despite it all. It was not easy at all. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep and waking up with puffy eyes. I've written many poems, letters and songs to my ex boo. I even wrote a screenplay detailing a lot of my emotions that at the moment, I could not express in a positive manner. That screenplay probably saved my life more than anything. It was so cathartic for me. I remember writing it and I would literally be laughing or crying or angry depending on the moment. It allowed me to write a happy ending to a story that in reality did not end as well as I had hoped it would. And one day, I hope to have this screenplay turned into a movie for the whole world to see. </div>
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Another accomplishment that I'm proud of is accepting myself. I remember a time where I could be me so effortlessly. I didn't feel the need to hide myself from others. And then my mom told me I was being mean and needed to check my attitude. So I started being nice to people. I started giving them the benefit of the doubt. I started keeping my attitude to myself and it probably helped me in some instances like being a professional at work. But in my personal life, me always feeling like I had to go the nice route was wearing on my soul. And it make me feel like I wasn't naturally a nice person because being nice seemed so hard. And I started feeling like maybe my mom was right, maybe I am a mean person. Maybe I'm not that good of a person that I thought I was. It made me question who I was and eventually I found myself in many situations that showed me who I was. </div>
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And through more heartbreak, losing people I considered my friends, and many cold war tension days, I realized that I am a nice person but I'm also not for the bullshit of people treating me with disrespect or disdain. And I learned that it is okay to take up for myself and not let people tell me who I am. I know me very well, always have. But I guess I had to go through some things like that to make it more clear to myself that I am a good person who deserves love and respect and honesty and understanding and all the positive things that make life worth while. </div>
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And I learned how important it is to not hold grudges, but to let people make their decisions and just carry on with my life because I am the only person I can control. The past 5 years have been a huge self discovery and learning experience for me in many areas of my life. I feel more like I used to as far as myself goes, but I know that I've grown up in so many ways that I'm not the same person at all. And I am proud of that. </div>
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I've learned a lot about love and what it means to me and how important it is for happiness in my life. Loving god and myself being the most important and loving others coming in a close second. And thats another accomplishment that I am proud of as well; establishing and building my own personal relationship with God. I always believed in God. I went to church and sunday school and bible study growing up. It wasn't a regular thing all the time, but I was very well aware of this higher being that was watching me and looking out for me in times where I wasn't looking out for myself. But to grow from that and have my own outlook on what God has been to me has changed my world for the better. It's been a lot of situations that I've been through that have made me question myself a lot, and sometimes even God. I remember many nights laying in bed asking God to help me do better. Help me be better. Help me not feel all the negativity that was brewing inside of me. Help me to let it go. Help me to realize that my life is important and I should be enjoying as much of it as I possibly can. God really saved me. And I dedicate myself to being a person that God can be proud of. A person that God can say is at least trying to do their part in helping people realize their potential and live their best lives and get closer to God on a more spiritual level. </div>
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And sometimes, I help people to the point where I put myself in a bad position and I'm learning how to say no so I don't get caught up in stuff like that anymore. But at the end of the day, I do it because I want to help people do better and live better. It really hurts me to see others hurting so I try to do what I can to help them help themselves. And I'm proud of the accomplishments I've made in that arena as well. I have friends who know and trust that if nothing else, the advice I give them is all about helping them be better people to themselves. And it makes me feel good to know that people trust my advice whether they take it or not. Cause at the end of the day, I am a genuine person. If I fuck with you, I fuck with you. If I don't, its no beef, I just chose to be around people who I feel more comfortable being around. And I'm proud that I'm learning to be more selfish and look out for myself because I have a tendency to always be doing things in the grand scheme for others and not for myself. </div>
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I really do think I like who I'm becoming. I'm still a work in progress. I still clam up sometimes and stress over telling people no, but I make myself do it when I know I need to. I still have some negative feelings toward love mainly because love hasn't worked out in my favor yet. Yet being the opportune word because again, I still believe that Love, true love will happen for me one day in some form and all the other shit I had to deal with to get there will be water under the bridge at that point. </div>
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I guess I am in a good place mentally and emotionally, if nothing else. My mother recently came to me and told me that she felt like she had been slacking in the showing me love department and she was going to do better. That really touched my heart because I been feeling like she doesn't show me the same love that she does say my brother or nephew sometimes and it has been hurting my feelings. And I've been trying to express it for years but it always turns into a situation where I have to end up apologizing for how I felt. And this last altercation we had, I think she realized how she can make things about her all the time and my feelings get pushed to the side. And I still was the one to apologize to her because for me, at the end of the day, nothing is more important than maintaining a loving relationship with my mom. Even if I have to be the one to suck up all my feelings and let her be her. But for some reason, I feel things may start being different for us. I accomplished expressing myself to my mother, which has always been a hard thing for me to do because she is so sensitive and its almost always easier for me to just let it go than to try and convince her to care about how I feel she's treating me. But I have been trying to do with better with letting people know how I feel about things. And I'm proud of what I've accomplished so far. </div>
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Especially with Marcel. I'm a completely different person with him and I'd bet money that he knows it. I'm no longer attached to him emotionally and lord knows that is a great accomplishment for me. lol. It's been a long time coming. And the fact that I can still be cool with him makes the accomplishment even more satisfying because that is what I wanted. I fought hard not to hate him and I can honestly say that I don't. I hate how things have turned out between us and its nobody's fault. Its life. I was 20 when I met him. I'll be 29 this year. Growing up has a way of putting things into perspective and at the end of the day, me being happy with the decisions I have made and will make in life became more important than the hopes, wishes and dreams I had for myself in the past. I'm getting back to living in the moment and learning to enjoy creating a life around the people and things I love and enjoy. </div>
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Of course its some things that I still worry about and need to pray on. My car situation is one of them. And mainly because besides the monthly $410 car payment and $125 insurance payment, I still have to put gas in my car. I still have to clean it. I still have to keep it serviced. I need tires right now. I had to get brakes a few months ago. Its A LOT of financial responsibility and I'm already in over my head with money issues. The number of loans I have is crazy. And that is my fault. I overspent my credit cards trying to keep myself and others happy, but again that is my fault and lesson learned. And I've been praying for some additional income from somewhere. I want to get a part-time job, but it has to be one that is worth it and won't put too much more stress on me. Right now, I'm managing everything but the thought of having to keep up with this shit for the next 5 years is really bothering me. Mainly because I feel stuck in the life I'm living for the next 5 years at least. I pray my car is still in good shape by then cause I refuse to EVER get another car payment again. I knew I never wanted one, but at the same time, I need this financial responsibility practice for when I get older and want things that require to show that I can be trusted. </div>
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Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to be alone forever. More so because I feel like I've been alone for so long and it doesn't really bother me that much, and that kind of scares me. Its a feeling that I've grown so accustomed to that I don't know how to act like I want to be in a relationship. Because I've always wanted to be in a relationship. A good loving one, to be more specific. But apparently, I do not come across as the relationship wanting type. And I don't really know how to work on that. When I like someone, I show them. So to me, if the relationship is supposed to progress to something more serious than being friends or friends with benefits then it will. I don't like putting pressure on love. I can only hope that someone will take the time to get to know me and want our relationship to develop naturally and genuinely.</div>
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Life is great, and if its not feeling that way right now, it won't be long before it will again. I have to always remind myself of this. </div>
Muah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1951127162325407316.post-62264267443882385102015-04-09T09:08:00.002-07:002015-04-09T09:08:52.350-07:00So...I came here to kind of get some things off my chest about my life. Then I re-read some of my previous posts and realize that I keep falling intot the same trap with people and I always end up on the disappointed side.<br />
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My mom had her appendix removed recently and she's been being an evil bitch. Mainly because she thinks nobody is sympathetic to what she is going through so she feels like she is dealing with it alone. But shit, thats how I feel about life 99% of the time. I think she being dramatic and depressing because the people that she have to help her, she won't use them. She'd rather just complain about the people who not doing shit. And be miserable and take it out on everybody else. I aint got time for that shit.<br />
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I'm so sick of people, idk what to do with myself sometimes. I want beat motherfuckers up. I wanna slap people upside the head. I want them to get where I'm coming from FOR ONCE. Like with my mom, I'm not uncaring to what she is going through right now. But in the grand scheme, she's doing fine. She need to start getting up and stop being the lazy, evil bitch she is and start working on recovering. She probably mad right now cause she don't have her pain pills anymore, but she knew they weren't giving her another dose so she need to just get the fuck over it.<br />
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I'm just sick of having to deal with other people being "the way they are." But when I do anything that isn't considered nice, I get called so many names. And I think part of it is I feel bad about being not nice on my own so when people put their two cents in, it kinda pisses me off. Im a nice person 90% of the time. I think I'm allowed to have a couple bad days. And even when I am having a moment, I stay to myself because I know how I can sulk and just be in a bad mood. And when I'm over it, I'll resurface.<br />
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I feel like this is a test from God in some way. But I don't know how to talk to people who use feelings and emotions to their advantage. My mom and Marcel act the exact same. They both try to make me feel like I'm wrong all the time and it weighs on me because I love them and I'm the type of person that will apologize whether I felt like I was wrong or not. Just because I care more about my relationships with people than being right. But I'm tired of being the one who is apologetic. I'm tired of always having to be the peacemaker.<br />
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At this point in my life, if you choose to treat me like anything, then fuck you. And you can be my mama, ex boo, whomever. I just don't give a fuck anymore. And its not even really an option to talk to these people because they can't get outta their own feelings for one second to see that they are being complete assholes to people who genuinely care about them and want to see them doing good.<br />
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I love my mother to death but she petty, she got jealous tendencies, she dramatic, she will definitely lie when she feel like its necessary. She take everything personal. She treat me like I've never done anything for her when I'm the only person who she can truly rely on to help her whenever.<br />
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I'm just not the type of person who know how to come back from people treating me poorly when I treat them very well. I can't help that people get mad when I treat them how they treat me. My mom has never made me a priority in her life. She was there for me when I had my surgery that time, but because I would have been there by myself if she wasn't. And still, she always think about that time as a moment that people should have been there for her and what she had to go through in dealing with me. When in actuality, I was fine. I was recovering but I was fine.<br />
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My attitude is just so different from my mom's and its hard for me to deal with her because she is very negative in her attitude right now and I just can't deal with it. It really makes me angry. She acting like a spoiled rich kid whose parents decide to send them to a third world country for the summer just to show them how good they really got it.<br />
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And everybody keep making excuses for her behavior. Oh it takes her a long time to recover. What that gotta do wit her being a bitch to people that are trying to make her feel better? If she wanna be a miserable evil bitch and cry and complain about an appendix surgery that went well and now she has to spend weeks recovering from, then thats on her. If she don't want to look on the bright side of things, then what the fuck can I do? She want somebody to sympathize with her but she being real depressing for no real reason. That makes it hard for me to sympathize cause its like you want to be sad. You want to be depressed. You want to sit around and think about people not doing this and not doing that. You want all the negative emotions you are feeling because if you wanted to be happy, thats what you would be trying to do. You would be trying to be nice to people. AT LEAST. You would be trying to get up and move around and do things. You would go sit outside during the day because it has been nice.<br />
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And again, its nothing I can do for someone who wants to be miserable. You can have all that shit. I currently got a lot of shit going in my life that makes me miserable enough, I don't need help. I don't want help.<br />
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Life is going to start looking up. I'm going to be re-reading these posts soon enough and think back on life like damn bitch you was really unhappy, I'm glad you bossed up and made your life better for yourself. I'm glad you realized you can't save everybody and you're not responsible for people who want to be miserable just because that's what they are used to. I'm glad you're living your life and not letting people make you feel bad about it. I want to read posts on here that describe me having fun in life and not dealing with the fuck shit of others.<br />
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One day Lord. One day.Muah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1951127162325407316.post-56111757254619224682015-03-17T10:20:00.001-07:002015-03-17T10:20:27.881-07:00UgggghhhhhSome people really get on my nerves. I try to be nice and keep people on my good side but its like a never ending struggle to be that way. Why I always gotta bring out the me that don't give a fuck? People don't want me to be nice to them I'm starting to learn. Its the craziest thing in the world to me. Imma just really start ignoring people. Like really start making it very clear cause some people just annoy me to the point where I think about doing some real mean shit because its apparent they take my kindness for weakness. I don't understand.<br />
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I really need to hit the lottery for a couple million so I can just get the fuck and go enjoy my life. All these spirit draining, life complaining, my life more important than yours acting ass motherfuckers have really taken a toll on my spirit. I feel like I can't even be myself forreal. I can't even be nice. I gotta resort to the me that could care less about anybody else and all their life troubles that they swear my fault. Its so annoying.<br />
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And Im more annoyed now than ever because its like I continue to expect something different from people. Especially people who I've been nothing but nice to. And they never change. They never give a fuck. I'm the crazy one. Clearly. I keep thinking something gone be different. It never is and it only upsets me.<br />
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And I'm not even upset to the point where its bothering me emotionally forreal. I'm more mad that I believe over and over again that shit will change. This gift and a curse of having an optimistic spirit and mindset. Always looking at the bright side of things doesn't work because the reality of the situation is some people will NEVER give a fuck and some situations in conjunction with certain people will always leave me disappointed in myself for even believing them again.<br />
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And being honest rarely helps cause people rarely take the time to see your side of the story cause they too busy trying to defend theirs. I'm so sick of it. I know I stick with my story because one thing I try to do is be rational and honest with myself. Which leaves a lot of room in my stories for the truth and not my personal feelings. I could care less about being right in a situation, but you won't get away with trying to make me feel wrong when I know for a fucking fact that I am not. And even if I feel remotely wrong, I can admit it. I can apologize. And I can make up for what I did if there is a way that it can be made up to someone. I do the fucking work. No one else does and I'm sick of it.<br />
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This is one of those days where I just want to be around people who understand me. People who really know me. People who not always trying to manipulate me or take advantage of the fact that I am a REAL human being. I don't pretend to be hard. Or pretend to not be hurt. Or pretend that I'm happier being a ruthless selfish bitch who don't give a fuck about nobody but myself. Pretending that I don't need anybody. I'm just sick and tired lord. I need a permanent vacation from this bullshit. I can't take it. I need a new life lord. I don't wanna die though. lol.<br />
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I need some new scenery. I need some new air to breathe. I need some new interactions with people that are refreshing and make me feel like the universe is working in my favor cause right now, I'm just sick of everything. I can't pretend to be happy about shit anymore. I can't pretend that I'm cool with going with the flow. What do I have to do to get over this hump of life that is holding me back from where I know I can be? Its so frustrating and I feel so stressed and unattached from life. I don't feel like I'm living. I'm existing. I'm here for everybody's guilty pleasure. I'm here to pick up other peoples slack. I'm here to make other peoples problems my own. And when I try to get away from shit like that I get people wondering why I'm abandoning them. Why I'm ignoring them. Why I'm actually putting MY LIFE in the forefront of theirs.<br />
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Being a nice person has it perks but lord knows these are the down sides. People expect WAY TOO MUCH especially when I've gone above and beyond with little to no thank you or appreciation. If I could win the lottery, I'd be on first flight to a beach somewhere and probably would NEVER return.<br />
Well i won't say never cause there are people whom I love who do look out for me and I dont' want to ever distance myself from them. So I'd come see them, but then I'd be right back to my private island where I don't have to worry about a got damn thing but myself.<br />
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I gotta keep reminding myself that as long as I am single with no kids the ONLY person i need to worry about is myself. Thats my only responsibility. Thats the only person who I need to be putting in an extra above and beyond effort to make happy and satisfied. I'm the only person who is going to ever really appreciate and reciprocate that effort anyway. Me and God. I guess God proud of me for one thing- I don't give up on people like I probably should. Until its very obvious and clear that me not giving up on them is hurting me more than it is hurting them.<br />
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Okay i'm tired of ranting. Just had to get that off my chest. I'll be okay once I just start doing what I need to do for me.Muah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1951127162325407316.post-84547535621906012772015-03-09T13:14:00.001-07:002015-03-09T13:14:08.155-07:002015 still cool, i guess. lolThat great start kinda fizzling out but I'm still trying to remain on the sane side of life. lol.<br />
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I'm still working out and getting in better shape. I really gotta start going beast mode cause i'm maintaining but i want to lose a little more and tone up a lot. I've been doing research on how to do that so its just a matter of me getting off my lazy ass and making it happen. I worked out this morning and I always feel good about that.<br />
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My love life still shitty. I'm starting to believe that may never change. Its been bleek for too long. Ion know what lesson God tryna teach me in regards to my love life, but apparently I'm not getting it cause the fuck shit won't end. lol. I meet a lot of guys who pretend to be interested in me just to get some vagina. I probably assume most guys are like this but thats probably because I never feel like they genuinely want to get to know me. And that may be because I spend time with people I want to get to know and I guess I expect that out of others too. Its hard for me to believe you want to get to know me when all you ever really wanna do is fuck.<br />
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Awwww man, saying that gave me a glimpse into myself. Don't you hate those moments? Cause I do that shit too but I just don't get enough sex in my life so when I get the opportunity with somebody i like, idk how to act lol And I've recognized that within myself and I have been working on it. Don't know if I'm making any progress but I am working on it lol.<br />
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I think what I'm waiting for in my love life is for somebody to simply care about me. Like for somebody to take the time to think about me. And not think about me cause they dick hard, but to actually be like I wonder if Megan is having a good day. And if she not, I wonder what I could do to make her day better. I wonder if Megan wants to go have some fun with me tonight cause I know she be in the house bored as hell most of the time. I wonder if Megan wants some company cause I miss being around her. I wonder if Megan needs a mental break from life and would want to come spend the weekend with me. LIKE WHERE DEY AT DOE? WHO IS THINKING ABOUT ME BESIDES ME? lol.<br />
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And sometimes I think guys probably would be like that with me but they think all I care about is sex so they don't think about much else with me. I'm not gone fake and act like sex not important to me. I can't do it. I'm sorry. If Imma be with someone forever, sex gotta be on fleek. I want other things too but sexually I'm too much of a sexually expressive person to be repressed in a relationship cause I act like Ion care about sex. Cause i do lol<br />
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And I don't know how to come across in a better way. Somebody just gone have to love me for me. Some things I can accommodate to wade in the waters of the world but some shit, I got to keep cause its me. And being in a relationship that allows me to comfortably express my sexuality is something I need. And its not just sex. Its affection. When I'm really feeling somebody, I turn into a sex crazed maniac. I wanna lay up. I wanna do girly stuff. I wanna make him cupcakes and cookies and shit. I wanna try all the freaky shit that I think of with him. I'm very lovey dovey but in the beginning its going to come across as sex crazed maniac cause I don't get a lot of action where I can just lay up and fuck and feel complete. I can be that honest with myself. If they can look over that part of me in the beginning and tell me no sometimes, and not assume i'm a nympho, we can make it. I know it lol.<br />
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That seems to be the hard part for me. Everybody scared they looking like hoes or wifing up hoes so people go through great lengths to come across as this person who just been sitting back waiting on God to send them the one. Cause enjoying a healthy sex life in the meantime is blasphemous. Everybody wanna be religious, but don't nobody wanna be religious. lol<br />
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I read somewhere how some King back in the day basically made up and adopted a new religion so that he could divorce his wife. Never mind just saying fuck what people think and being a leader of your own life and not letting anything dictate it. But basically finagle your way to what you want while keeping the image you presented to people who just gone find some new shit you doing wrong to focus on.<br />
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Soapbox. Sorry. Ummm, 2015 going good i guess. I just gotta figure out how imma get this money. What I gotta do besides play to win the lottery? is that it lord? lol<br />
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<br />Muah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1951127162325407316.post-50125298574229456772015-01-20T07:16:00.003-08:002015-01-20T07:18:59.548-08:00I'm off to a great 2015Just a couple quick updates on my life. I've been doing more soul searching lately because I really feel like I'm at a point where I want to change things about myself for the better. I've been working out lately trying to get into shape so that I can really be in that two piece this summer. I been talking about that shit for years and have yet to make the necessary changes to do so until now. Since the beginning of the year, I've lost about 7-8 pounds by changing my eating habits and exercising. I'm very proud of myself and the progress I've been making and I cannot wait to see more results.<br />
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I've been being more selfish this year and looking out for myself and not overextending me for others. This year is all about me and I'm sorry to anyone who cannot understand that but me and the Lord know its WAY PAST DUE. But I guess its right on time in the same sense. I gotta do it for myself and I just hope and pray that the people who claim to love me will understand that I am trying to for once look out for myself entirely. I usually put myself on the back burner for others, but this year I have to work on me. Ever since my grandfather died, I really feel free to kind of start living my life again. I wanted to be there for him throughout everything and now I can see why I ended up back in Warrenton and I wouldn't change anything for the world. I got to be with my grandfather in his last days, and it felt good knowing that he could recognize and see how much I loved him and had his back. If no one else in the world understood me, it was him. And it was refreshing to finally hear somebody recognize me for the shit that I know I do in silence. My grandfather was my world for a long time and now I have the opportunity to go carve out my own life and its good to know he in heaven looking over me. Him, grandma and Chaise cause lord knows I need all the help I can get. And its funny cause they are probably some of the few people in this world who I know got me. And I miss them so much and I want to keep the party going for them and make a lot of money doing it.<br />
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Relationship wise, I'm still single. No real surprise since I do still reside in NC. I did meet this one guy recently that I really like. He's a lot younger than me but I fuck with him. I'm not exactly sure how he feels about me or what he thinks about me and idk if I'll ever even find out. He's cool though. Its weird because he is like everything I want in a man. He fine as motherfucker. I could just stare at him some days cause he so pleasing to look at lol. And his smile so sexy I just feel like sexing him all the damn time. He's funny as shit and playful and love that because I want a fun relationship. Not one where everything so serious or calculated or planned out. He dresses so nice, I fucking love it. Like literally everything I can imagine me wanting in a man is him. But again, he's young so who knows where his mind is at and that's understandable to me. If I can't have him God, can i just put in the word that as far as i know him to be, he's my type and I want one like him lol.<br />
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But forreal, being single hasn't been horrible. I'd rather be single than be in a meaningless, stressful relationship that does nothing for me. I haven't had any sex in 2015 either. Idk if this is a good thing or bad thing but I'm going with it for as long as I can stand it. I think about dick all the time, but I really only want sex when its late night and I'm in my room fingering myself and I feel stupid about it cause its so many dicks out here that I could be sitting on but I chose to be celibate for no real reason. I'm over me haha<br />
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All in all, 2015 is showing me how serious I am about some of my goals this year. But I guess so since I've had them for about 3-4 years now, if not more. I've always wanted to be able to wear and feel comfortable in a two piece swimsuit. I want to start going after more of my goals and dreams in life. I want to complete some of these processes. I want to share my passions with the world. I want to express myself. I want to be great. Ion want no mediocre. lol.<br />
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I wanna be ExtraORDINARY. Cause I'm really no different from anyone else, but I do want to go the extra mile and do what it takes to be able to live this life that I imagine. Traveling the world. Eating great food. Meeting even better people. Making connections. Living Life. Enjoying Life. No stress zone. Financial freedom.<br />
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And love that is reciprocated without me having to talk shit first. lol. Sad but true. I'm bout to go on a soapbox here but its like sometimes people only do stuff because they feel like if they don't, its going to have a negative effect. And for me, I don't make big deals out of shit so people just always feel like I don't really care. But to me, if you really fuck with me, I shouldn't have to. It should be understood that for my birthday, we should all come together and have a good time in celebration of me. Thats what I do for everybody else and their birthdays. Or at least try my best to. And I just never feel like I get it back in return. I will never forget my mama telling me she aint cook me nothing for my birthday because she had ate so much the day before. Thats the type of responses I get to shit. lol. But she went all out of her way to make sure she did something for my brother. Or even my cousin, who she told me she spent $100 on her baby shower at work. But I try not to let that shit bother me, but it does. And thats why this year, 2015, I chose to be a little more selfish in concern for myself.<br />
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My birthday last year wasn't bad but again, it wasn't necessarily what I would like to happen. I want a birthday where I can just show up and have a good time. Not one where I have to plan everything, invite everybody and then people halfway show up. Last year I cooked and did everything for my bday. My Aunt Lisa did come help me decorate and I appreciate that from her. But my own friends was late for my bday dinner. They came when it was over and I felt some type of way but it is what it is. I just plan things to be different this year. Hopefully people can take the time and money out of their lives to fuck with me for my birthday. That's all i really want from the people in my life this year. Just show me you fuck with me. Okay I'm done being semi-sad. lol<br />
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<br />Muah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1951127162325407316.post-61328792220962543122014-11-03T07:00:00.000-08:002014-11-03T07:00:30.478-08:00So AnnoyedSome people really just know exactly how to annoy the fuck out of me. When I'm done with a situation, nothing pisses me off more to have to continue to hear about the shit. Especially when I've been very vocal about shit and NOW you feel like you should have listened to me. NOW you feel wrong for what you did. NOW you realize that I wasn't being a nag but I was trying to help you out in concern for our relationship. <div>
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Now you wanna admit that you know I was a good girl instead of tryna tell everybody how mean and crazy I am. Now you can see that you're over-reacting and being crazy about shit is what pushed me away. I tried despite ALL THE FUCK SHIT that went on between us because most of it was funny to me and I didn't take it seriously. </div>
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I'm just so fucking sick of guys wanting to feel some kind of way about me after the fact. Why can't I find a man who want to appreciate a bitch like me? lol. </div>
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I stay attracting men with these egos that definitely supercede themselves, and I think its because I like confidence in guys, but not false confidence. And maybe thats something i need to work on within myself. I need to work on being more confident so I can attract a man that can handle me. </div>
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Because I think I give the impression that I'm this meek and mild woman that a guy can easily control and manipulate into whatever they want and a lot of times I do go along with shit but when I get to a point where going along with shit not working for me, then shit can get real. And most guys don't know how to handle that honest side of me. </div>
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In a relationship, I don't mind doing the work but you not gone be pretending that you're doing what you're supposed to and expecting me to actually pull through for you. GOT ME FUCKED UP!</div>
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Cause one I'm not pretending to do shit, so if I'm not feeling like my efforts are being noticed then I'm out. I've put in too much time into relationships that were never going anywhere to waste another second on some bullshit. I can cipher through the bullshitters and wait for the right man for me. I've been single this long and I've even been enjoying myself so win/win for me either way. </div>
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The lord gone bless me and I cannot wait. </div>
Muah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1951127162325407316.post-44376558751713579152014-09-04T08:07:00.000-07:002014-09-04T08:07:34.291-07:00Expressing FeelingsAm I the only person who ends up feeling bad about expressing their feelings to people? Maybe because it always turns into an argument or bad situation. Its like people expect you to go along with shit just because you are in some form of relationship with them. Be it friends, a lover, family, co-worker, whatever. But the moment you open your mouth to express something a person is doing to bother you, you're being argumentative or mean or ruthless or whatever other negative action people wanna put on you for being honest about how you feel.<br />
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I used to be that person who just let people do and say whatever towards me and I just sucked it up and let it go. It was never bad stuff being said to my face, but me hearing about things being said about me behind my back or people treating me funny style. And I can always pick up on shit like that because I notice behavior of people. You don't ever have to express to me that you have a problem with me because I can normally tell by how you act towards me. And I used to be the type of person who would just distance myself from people who acted like they had a problem with me, especially if they never express it. But I have grown up a lot in the past couple of years and I appreciate relationships where we can talk about things and express how we really feel about each other- good and bad.<br />
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But I'm come to realize that not a lot of people are like that at all. They either do not know how to express their feelings properly, or they shy away from discussing their feelings all together. One thing about me is I can definitely put into words how I feel about someone or a situation. But sometimes it does come across as ruthless and insensitive to someone else's feelings. And I usually do feel bad about it afterwards but I know how important it is to be 100% honest about how I feel. If I think something is stupid, Imma say its stupid. If I think you're being an asshole, Imma say that.And maybe I need to work on keeping my mouth closed, but if you are repeatedly doing stuff, then its hard for me to do that.<br />
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I'm starting to really realize that people do not like hearing an honest opinion about themselves. I'm very conscious of my actions and I keep it real with myself. I do sometimes have a tendency to go off about shit when I feel offended or provoked and feel bad about it afterwards but I will apologize. It doesn't excuse my behavior but it shows that I acknowledge it and I want the person to know. I don't go off often. Its usually when I'm tired of ignoring some shit that a person continually does towards me that I do not like. And I oftentimes express that I don't like it way before I ever go off about it.<br />
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I guess I just feel like people don't respect or take me seriously. Its annoying and irritating. Even my own mama do it to me and I have to get loud and aggressive with her. That is not who I want to be. I enjoy being happy and in a positive frame of mind and not walking around mad at the world because I'm in my feelings about some shit. And I really try not to take what has happened to me in the past out on people in my present world. I think that is so unfair to others and I've had that happen to me and I never want to treat somebody a certain way just because of how others treated me.<br />
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I had to change to protect myself in a way but I'm still me. I'm still nice and sweet and willing to do just about anything for somebody else. I just chose to look out for myself and make sure its not inconveniencing me or that people are just trying to take advantage of me. And I usually wait for people to show me what their intentions are with me before I ever assume anything about them. I go off of how I am treated and I adjust accordingly. And if its too much for me to deal with, I will just peace out.<br />
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This time I think I will be upfront and honest about how I really feel despite feeling like the person is not going to receive what I have to say very well. But I do want it to be known why I am choosing to distance myself from someone who I feel brings a lot more stress into my life than happiness and peace. Its just hard sometimes when you do like a person and you can have good moments but it never lasts long enough to even enjoy it. I don't want to be in that type of relationship.<br />
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I want a relationship that lifts me up and makes me feel good about myself. A relationship that allows me to be the person I want to be. A relationship that has freedom and we both understand and get why. A relationship where we can communicate honestly. A relationship where we can respect each others feelings and trust that the other is not trying to control or get the upper hand in the relationship. A relationship where we understand that discussing our issues with each other is not about winning an argument but about trying to understand where the other person is coming from. A relationship where me and the person mesh well with each other. I can have a good time with just about anybody but I want a relationship that goes beyond that. A relationship where we both are willing to do the work to make it work. A relationship where the other person actually takes the time to get to know me. A relationship where I don't have to always explain myself. A relationship where my partner knows that I gonna always look out for them but I'm not going to babysit them. A relationship where my man acts like the grown man he swear he is. A relationship where we just connect and actually get each other. A relationship that only God can cultivate. A relationship that allows me to be myself.<br />
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I want to be sweet and lovey dovey and affectionate and all over my man. I want to be happy and want to enjoy spending time with him. I know everything not gonna always be unicorns and glitter but for the most part it should be. If I have to spend my days being mad and arguing because I know you don't want to talk about shit, then thats probably not the relationship for me. I would honestly rather be alone. It's been just me all this time and I don't have a problem going back to it. I will miss the company but I will get over it.<br />
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I just don't know what to do these days but I do know I need to make a decision for myself. And its leaning more towards me being single than being in a relationship that is not doing anything for me but getting on my damn nerves.Muah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1951127162325407316.post-13229655944674011352014-09-04T06:50:00.001-07:002014-09-04T06:50:21.904-07:00Vent Session: Love RelationshipsOne thing about me that I know is I cannot be with a controlling person. I have always known that about myself and I make sure to let people know that I cannot be tamed.<br />
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First of all, if I'm in a relationship then I really like the person. I must have a good time with them and can see us turning it into something for the future if I even consider them being my boyfriend. I'm not the perfect girlfriend. I don't sit back and allow you to do things that I do not like and make excuses for it. If I have a problem with something, I will express it. I will do it right then and there and I will make a mental note if you chose not to do anything about it. I can usually get over most things, as long as they do not continue to occur. When something continues to occur that I have a problem with and you just brush it off like its nothing, then that creates an even bigger problem to me. So the next time its brought up, I'll probably be more angry about it because I feel ignored.<br />
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One thing I hate about my current love relationship is that the person chooses to antagonize me and make me feel like a bad person. So when I go off about shit, he plays the innocent role and will switch a story up just so he can WIN the argument. When shit wasn't even really an argument to me until he started trying to WIN the argument. If I can't express how I feel without it feeling like we're arguing then I can't deal. I really can't.<br />
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And its always something so fucking simple. If somebody brings up a topic to you and you ask a question and they respond "Don't worry about it. You don't need to know that." And so when I question why they even told me in the first, and they reply I just thought it was ironic. WHY BRING IT UP TO ME IF YOU'RE NOT EVEN GONNA TELL ME ABOUT IT? WHY? WHY? WHY? Especially when you know I hate that shit. That's so irritating to me. And then when I start going off about it and you start trying to shape the story to fit your story and I call you out on that shit too and then you get mad and say I'm always tryna argue and start shit. NO BITCH, you always doing dumb shit that start shit.<br />
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I just really cannot stand when somebody try and tell me what I'm doing. I'm me so I'm very well aware of the shit I do and 99% of the time when somebody try and accuse me of doing shit, it be the furthest thing from my mind. Another argument that started was because I erased a text out of my phone that contained a phone number I needed to call my boo, and couldn't call because I didn't have the number. The first thing I said to him was give me the number because I erased it out of my phone without thinking about it. And then I mentioned how if he got a phone like he said then we wouldn't have to jump through so many hoops just to talk to each other. And he took offense to that and said I tried to blame him for not being able to call him. I told you why I couldn't call. Its nobody fault because its not even that deep to even blame somebody. It wasn't a problem. I solved the problem by asking for the number but still didn't get it.<br />
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I'm just over dealing with dumb ass shit. I'm not an argumentative person but you not gone put no dumb shit on me just because of what you chose to think. Shit can get real and I think when I get like that people don't know how to take it because it does seem to come out of nowhere, but it rarely ever does. I just be so annoyed by the fact that if I'm telling you I don't like something and you continue to do it, then just leave me the fuck alone. Simple. I'm not about to keep reminding you about some shit I don't like. Imma just stop fucking with you because explaining myself to somebody who thinks I'm tryna control them will never end well.<br />
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I'm controlling when it comes to myself but people are allowed to make their own decisions and if I'm telling you that bringing shit up to me and then not answering me when I ask questions about it pisses me off and you continue to do it, why wouldn't I be mad about it? And why would you have a problem with me telling you about it?<br />
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And people always look at me like I act like I do no wrong but the difference with me is when I feel like I'm wrong, I will admit it. Or if I feel like something I did made you feel some type of way, I will apologize and try to fix it whether I thought I was wrong or not. But for somebody who always gotta be right or WIN in some way, I can't deal with. I hate that shit.<br />
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And people love making me look like the bad person but it always backfires in their face because I don't treat people badly. I don't even be thinking about shit like that at all. Most times I just be in my own world thinking about nothing forreal.<br />
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I'm just really at a point in my life where I can't stand a bunch of shit and it irritates my soul. I can't be with somebody who stay in everybody else business more than they in their own. Or somebody who swear they don't be doing shit and be doing some crazy ass shit. Or somebody who try their best to control me but its gonna backfire in their face EVERY SINGLE TIME. Play dumb with the people who you can get over on, I am not the one. I'm just over it. And the bad part is I always feel bad after expressing myself. I always feel like I was wrong for getting upset. I always feel like I should have just let it go again but I be tired of letting shit go. If people would stop doing the fuck shit they do towards me it wouldn't be a problem.<br />
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I'm very go with the flow. Very chill and cool about shit. And a lot of shit I keep to myself instead of making a big deal out of it because I know how I can be nit-picky and I like things a certain way and I try to let people live. But you not about to inconvenience me so you can get your way. And then put it on me when I speak up about it and you say I'm always tryna get my way. If I don't speak up about it, what I want will never matter to somebody who only give a fuck about themselves.<br />
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I can't stress to guys enough, IF YOU WANT A GIRL WHO WILL DO WHATEVER YOU SAY, I AM NOT THE ONE. If you want to be in a relationship with somebody who you can beat in arguments and just gone shut up and bow down to what you say, I AM NOT THE ONE. If I'm so bad, just LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!<br />
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I know how to handle shit in a good way, but if you get argumentative with me, then why would I not get that way back. I guess the lesson in this is to learn how not to let people upset me so much. I'll just let them think what they want and move on. That is all I can do. I'm not gonna continue explaining myself to someone who doesn't listen to my explanation anyway. All they are waiting for is their moment to respond and explain. They don't want to understand. And that is fine.<br />
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<br />Muah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1951127162325407316.post-34968498166189531182014-08-19T10:06:00.001-07:002014-08-19T10:06:53.176-07:00SighFor some reason today I am feeling very depressed about where I see my life going. And I don't really know why because its not really bad but I just feel like I won't ever be satisfied. It's so many things I want to do with myself but its hard for me to figure out how to get there. Essentially I am so tired of working a job. I've been working a job since I was 14, so that makes 14 years that I have been getting up out of my bed and doing what other people want me to do. I'm so over it but I believe its so ingrained in my head that this is what I should be doing that I really don't know how to shake it. And because I have bills that have to be paid, I don't see it as something that I will ever realistically be able to let go off. Some days I really wish I could just hit the lottery so that all my financial worries can subside and I can just do what I want every single day. And most people would call that me being lazy and even God might be giving me the side eye but it is really how I feel deep down.<br />
<br />
I hate school. I really do not want to go back because it is more of a hassle to me than something that will be beneficial. It would help me get a good paying job but the root of the problem is I'm tired of just being somebody else's worker. I think I'm so much more than that. I want to be my own worker. I want to feel like an asset to an organization and not just an entity that could be replaced at any moment. With my last job at University of Maryland, I could see that the work I was doing mattered. People appreciated me. Not everyone of course, but the ones who did really made me feel like I meant something. My current job rarely makes me feel good. I have to fight so hard sometimes just to not be labeled the bad guy that it really takes away from the accomplishments and achievements I do make.<br />
<br />
I think I'm just tired of being the savior and having to put myself on the back burner for others. I want to work towards building the life I want. I want to be the person I want to be. I want to decide how my work day will go. I want all directives to come from me. I know being my own boss would allow me to do that and I believe I would be happy. And I know in my current job, being my own boss would NEVER happen. I'm just tired of doing support work. I'm tired of having to put on a smile and talk to people day in and day out. I'm tired of having to be at work doing nothing when I could be somewhere making moves for myself. And the real sad part of the situation is I have no better opportunities that would allow me to pay my car note, insurance, phone bill and debts off each month. I feel stuck and I hate feeling stuck. And I really feel like I am going to be stuck for a while now because what else can I do? I have a plethora of skills but I do not know how to monetize them. I don't know how to convince people that I am worth giving their money to. I don't know how to get over this hump that I am feeling inside.<br />
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I want so much more for my life and I feel the determination inside me to get there. I just don't know how to get there. I need to do some more soul searching because it is really eating at me that I am not feeling like I'm doing what I should be in life. Maybe its just me and I am right where God wants me to be and if I am, I will try to suck it up and enjoy it. But if its not, like I think it is, then God please help me do what I need to in order to get there.<br />
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Amen.Muah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1951127162325407316.post-56004422298606188522014-03-13T11:34:00.000-07:002014-03-13T11:51:33.241-07:00That Moment (Old Post) When you want to make a response to something, but you want it to come across in a cordial way. But its not really a cordial way to say what you feel needs to be said...<br />
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Yeah I'm there right now. Because real shit, anybody who wants to label me as crazy and drama-filled and negativity are welcome to make whatever decision they want behind that. And that comes across like I don't care but to me, don't let our friendship make you feel obligated to fuck with me. If you think you would be better off not associating or dealing with me, then I'll remove myself from your world. You won't EVER have to worry about me again. I'll provide that service for you. But when I walk away, please know, aint no coming back. Ain't no apologies. Ain't no I was going through some things and blah blah blah. Aint no I was drunk. Or I let this person get in my head. I'm not gonna care. Imma say whats up and keep it moving. Because if you wanna treat me like you don't know me personally, I can do the exact same.<br />
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"Live wit it. Now you gotta roommate" -Big Sean.Muah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1951127162325407316.post-58471641093604336892014-03-13T11:29:00.001-07:002014-03-13T11:33:00.261-07:00August 1, 2013 at 11:42 in MD <u>Know Me</u><br />
<br />
Listen...<br />
You got me fucked up forreal.<br />
I'm come from a bloodline of killers, my first instinct is to kill.<br />
Okay, I'm lying, we some lovers, but you can get fucked up still.<br />
I'm trying to love you, but you working my last nerve.<br />
What did I do to deserve<br />
this shit?<br />
I can't even be mad.<br />
I probably should be glad cause its sad but I know the life we could live more than likely would turn out bad.<br />
What we had was a fad.<br />
A glimmer of hope in a world gone mad.<br />
My soul mate.<br />
I'm afraid to admit that to you.<br />
But sometimes it feels like I'm connected to you.<br />
No Martin Luther King, but I be having dreams and a psychic told me once that you're not the one for me and even she can't see why I put up with you.<br />
I don't know whats up with you,<br />
but you got me FUCKED UP<br />
forreal.<br />
The shit I deal with nobody would and you know thats real.<br />
Your bitch mad at me cause she know how you feel.<br />
Classic babymama shit.<br />
Like I don't even know how you put up with it.<br />
You a good one.<br />
Can't knock a man for trying and I won't.<br />
Give the side bitch role to someone who want it cause I don't.<br />
You don't get it.<br />
But you will.<br />
One day you'll be on Facebook being nosey and run across a picture of me and my fiance posing.<br />
You'll be stuck staring at the screen frozen.<br />
You're not gonna wanna believe it until you notice<br />
how hard I'm cheesing.<br />
You're gonna remember that smile forever<br />
because that'll be the moment you realize the chances of me coming back are NEVER.<br />
I'll be out of reach.<br />
You could call me but I probably won't speak.<br />
I'm a faithful woman, I don't even wanna cheat.<br />
And you know that.<br />
And you got me fucked up forreal if you think I would blow that,<br />
FOR YOU.<br />
I put my life on the slow track FOR YOU.<br />
You know what nigga?<br />
FUCK YOU.<br />
I'm tired of explaining.<br />
You a fucking headache, I'm tired of migraining.<br />
I'm reinstating my pimp card on your ass.<br />
You just play games boo, I. COULD. TEACH. A. CLASS.<br />
Know me, cause listen...<br />
You got me FUCKED UP forreal.Muah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1951127162325407316.post-34784924424806325382013-12-31T05:42:00.001-08:002014-03-06T08:01:00.880-08:002013 reflections- Its been real!<span style="font-family: inherit;">So today is New Year's Eve and I feel the urge to reflect on a couple things from 2013. If i had to describe this year in a couple adjectives I would call it transformative, eye opening, and life changing. Despite the fuck shit I had to deal with early in the year with Tiffany and Deron, the year was filled with lots of laughs and good times. I didn't travel much. Went to Charlotte, myrtle beach and dc of course. Strengthened a couple friendships, me and Sharnece recognized that our friendship meant more than some nigga. And that really meant a lot to me because people don't normally chose me. She knew my character and stood up for me and I will always love her for that. That's friendship to me. I even made a few new friends. I met Carlton who scares me even though he seems like a nice guy. He scares me mainly because he's probably everything I want in a guy including ambition but only time will tell. He's focused on his career right now and I'm not mad at that. Shit, I'm focused on me and my career too. I can't have the love life I want right now so I may as well go after my other dreams. Other dreams to include establishing myself as an up and coming screenwriter. Better yet, up and coming creator of wonderful life changing profitable things. I plan to be innovative and a visionary. Steve jobs the movie and documentary I watched was so inspiring. That's me all day. To be able to give the world something that will change their life for the better and represent a brand that's all about creativity, innovation and impacting the world is so me. I feel like I did a lot of soul searching this year and got rid of dead weight and emotions that were holding me back. I'm in a good place mentally and I couldn't ask for a better start to 2014. The possibilities are endless. The opportunities are just waiting for me to arrive so they can take me on an adventure that I will absolutely love and be amazed by. I really feel like something special is gonna happen for me in 2014. I feel like this is my moment. I feel like I gotta get down to business. I'm not sure how to get started but I know god will make sure I find the way. I'm really ready to achieve something for myself. I've always been the type of person to look out for and help others get what they want out of life. I've been practicing for years and now it's time to put it to use for myself. Imma have to be even more reclusive this year to get what I need to done. I have no real complaints about my job but I would love a new offer for a better position that works within the realm of what I actually want to do. I am interested in computer science but I'd rather build an it team that works together on projects rather than trying to accomplish everything myself. I would have to learn too much stuff when it's people who know exactly what to do. Hopefully this Microsoft teaching experience will open up doors for me to branch out into a different world that better suites me. I love my city. Warrenton has my heart for life and I will always rep my city but in order for me to do better, I gotta get away. I could comfortably live there for life. But I wouldn't be satisfied knowing that I just settled and didn't at least try to achieve <b>my</b> goals in life. Emphasis on my because I have a tendency to get sucked into other peoples lives and I'm over it. I wanna live for me. I'm finally starting to feel comfortable about it. It used to make me feel selfish but I know now that is just the worlds way of tryna keep you down. I know selfish people and I'm mother Teresa compared to them so I know my heart is in the right place, I just gotta get there. And with gods help and the universe conspiring to make all my dreams come true, I'm so ready to start 2014. I'm debating now about whether I should go home or stay in MD. I only wanna be here because I might get to see my boo again before I leave. But that's not even up to me. That's all on him. Like I really need to be starting my New Year's Eve off with him lol. Despite how crazy it is, I still love him like I used to. Seeing him always confirms it and I know he feels it too. It's outta my control though so i gotta live with it. When god sees fit to send me the man of my dreams, I just hope and pray I'm able to recognize and appreciate it. I just wanna be happy. 2013 has definitely taught me that I have to keep a handle on my happiness and stop letting others steal my joy with their shenanigans. I gotta keep my distance most of the time because I am sensitive and it's very easy to throw me off my game or make me feel some type of way. Keeping positive uplifting supportive people around me is so crucial to my spirit remaining happy. I gotta remember that. I gotta protect and stand up for myself. I have to look out for me. I know god got me but I have to stay on my toes. Especially when dealing with shady people. Another life lesson in the books. In fact, 2007-2013 has been nothing but life lessons. That have brought me back to me. And it's crazy cause all of this is stuff I've always known but needed to register for myself. It has made me stronger and better than ever. I feel like Megan 2.0 forreal. The same me, just an updated version. A more grown up version. Still ratchet as ever just more well defined grown up goals. I've been transformed kinda back into the person I've always been. But at the same time, even better. And man I was great back then, so lord knows it's only a matter of time before I'm back on top again. Hopefully I've created some good karma to carry over with me in 2014. I wanna make some money. Like some real money. Like go online and book flights for my people to meet me out in Fiji money. Money that changes lifestyles. Not people, just the lifestyle. I still wanna be me, no matter what. I wanna create. Any and everything. I wanna impact the world Ina Steve jobs kinda way. That's super ambitious but hey, Steve jobs didn't become Steve jobs by being scared of a lil work. He became Steve jobs by putting in the work. By being himself and making sure his vision was carried out despite everything! And he wasn't afraid to go off and look crazy in front of people because he knew his vision would be successful. He knew it would change lives in a positive way. He believed in the possibilities and worked with others to make it happen. That's true character. That's determination. That's everything. I want that type of pioneering spirit to take over me in 2014. I don't wanna be a bitch. But I do recognize that I will have to be aggressive and expressive. I want what is for me. Not sure what that is yet but I'm willing to find out. I know it's going to be wonderful. And concerning my love life, denario marcel Williams is my heart currently. I really love him and it shows every time we have a moment together. Not sure if it's supposed to be like this or whose fault it is, or who needs to fix it but I do know I love him. And again, only time will tell. Him quitting weed is a good thing. That's really all he needed to do to leave. That's all she could say and now she cant. It's gonna open a door for him that he couldn't see before. Hopefully. God please show him that door! Well no I take that back cause idk if he wants to leave forreal. I guess you can show him the door but it's still up to him whether he will walk through it or not. Lord make him walk through it for me lol! Can I be selfish? Lol honestly, I'm still not over his babymama telling me I didn't stand a chance. Let her know god! Only I can limit myself. I had just as much chance as she did. In fact, I gave you the opportunity you have. Cause shit could have been so much realer but my love for Marcel wouldn't let me act up like I wanted to. I just can't believe I'm still on this guy lol. Love is something else. I know people go through shit but got damn. And idk where any of this is gonna take me but I trust God so I'm ready for whatever. No weapons formed against me shall prosper. 2014 will be the start of some wonderful ness. I cannot wait to get it started. Peace and blessings to myself and others. Amen. Thank you god for such a wonderful year. I wouldn't change a thing. 2014, let's go get em! </span>Muah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1951127162325407316.post-90100301491023204922013-11-07T08:35:00.001-08:002013-11-07T08:35:59.688-08:00Frustrationnnnnnnnsssss....In my Miguel voice.<br />
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I woke up from a dream last night so mad and irritated. I had to meditate this morning because Lord knows I would be in a fucked up mood if I didn't. I'm still not my normal cheery self and I think people can tell. lol.<br />
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I am becoming more and more frustrated with a lot of things. I need a change of scenery. I'm not to the point where I just want to quit and say fuck everything but I can feel it coming.<br />
<br />
I need some adventure. I'm getting bored with life again. The students give me a little excitement for the day but otherwise, I'd rather be anywhere else but here. I have a fear of getting stuck here. I'll be like Whitehead. lol. Been leaving WCHS for at least 10 years now and still ain't went nowhere. I dont mind being here but Lord, Imma need a man, so I can start a family. That is about the only incentive I see to staying around here.<br />
<br />
Otherwise, I have got to get the fuck, and since I have not met anybody here that is even remotely worth staying around here with, I gotta go to Plan B.<br />
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Don't ask me what Plan B is yet. I'm still trying to figure that out myself. Well no, Plan B is these screenplays. I got to get on that somehow. Thats gonna be my claim to fame. My door into the lifestyle I want to live. I think, lol. We gone see. Basically thats where I'm at in my life right now. Doing a bunch of we will seeing. lol<br />
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Which is not bad but its not all that good either. But hey, no risk, no reward. God send me on an adventure. I'm ready for something new and exciting and different and amazing and JUST FOR ME.<br />
<br />
Let me know what I need to do. Amen. Thanks for everything. You know I'm beyond grateful.Muah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1951127162325407316.post-35799883652778279012013-08-21T10:12:00.001-07:002013-08-21T10:13:01.886-07:00My Thoughts in Poetry formI need to talk to a couple real niggas who know me.<br />
Cause I'm tired of people making me feel like I'm phony.<br />
Making me feel like I'm lucifer. Lord tell me what did I do to her?<br />
I don't get it. Probably never will.<br />
Not a sociopath, but thats something I'll never feel.<br />
You can't tell me I'm a bad person.<br />
And if I am, who am I out here hurting?<br />
What am I out here doing? Explain please before our friendship is ruined.<br />
I don't assume. I wait for people to tell me the truth.<br />
And when you do, don't try to discredit the proof.<br />
I knew my role in your life when I agreed to play it.<br />
It is what it is, I'm just not afraid to say it.<br />
Give and take relationships are the norm, thats not the issue.<br />
Fucking with me like its a secret is what makes me dismiss you.<br />
I'm trouble in your world, but you painted that picture.<br />
You drew all the side eyes that look at me different.<br />
So its hard to believe that you give a fuck when you always searching for moments not to give a fuck.<br />
Cause if you cared, self defense wouldn't be your mechanism.<br />
My feelings weren't attacking you.<br />
It was all about clarity. And I said that to you.<br />
But I'm negative. I'm drama filled.<br />
Whatever man, lets be real.<br />
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<br />Muah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1951127162325407316.post-67382985561702710382013-08-21T09:55:00.000-07:002013-08-21T09:55:29.482-07:00Real ShitI'm gonna have to get a couple second opinions from people who know me very well so I can gauge if I should be an asshole or not. Because my first reaction was expected. I knew what kind of response I was gonna get and I was hoping for something more understanding. I should have known better though. My second thought was to start explaining myself. To defend myself. But to me, thats besides the point. Even though it would help my case to literally refute every statement with proof. I could literally do that but its my word and not necessarily proof, so at the same time, it would be irrelevant because the issue is nobody believes me anyway. And I'm a very honest person. I'm not necessarily upfront with everything. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. But I don't hide how i'm feeling either. I keep shit under control until I feel its necessary to bring it to the light.<br />
<br />
I'm just really confused as to how to proceed with what I want to say. Because the asshole in me is like go head and say what you really wanna say. But the person that still kinda cares is like be tactful and diplomatic. Have some couth. So I'm torn between "the asshole" and the "the human being" sides of me. And honestly, I don't know if either one actually even cares though. I'm getting a little don't give a fuck from both sides because for one, I'm not a bad person. And number two, I'm definitely not a bad person to her. And number three, I specifically stated my intentions so to put the label of drama or negativity to what I said, is fucking crazy. Period. And thats what bothers me the most about everything. Even still, after I sat here and said if your only response is to call me crazy or make me feel bad, then don't respond. Make me understand because right now, all the shit that was said, came from a personal point of view. Everything I said was flipped in a way to try and make me feel bad for my feelings. My feelings work fine like I stated. And they don't come from anywhere.<br />
<br />
Like the fact that no matter how close our relationship is, I'm going to always be my cousin's cousin. Period. She said that. And she never wanted to know any of us in the first place, but she dealt with it because Terrell was so adamant about it. You look at us like family but you deal with us accordingly. Accordingly how? Treat us like family but still be acting like we out to get you for whatever reason. My family don't operate like that, so I'm confused. If I treat somebody like family, I bring them into my world. I accept them for who they are. I don't make them feel bad for what they chose to do. I believe what they say, and even if they try to manipulate me, its funny. I say no and move on. I treat family differently and that might be the disconnection I'm feeling.<br />
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I could really break it down and explain but I don't know if I even care to though forreal. And its funny because everything she said is exactly why I feel the way I do. So I know my feelings are valid because she brought the shit up that was always sketchy to me. So there's no way that she can escape or come up with an excuse when I present it to her. But she's just gone think I took everything she said and flipped it for my purposes. But I'll know, and thats good enough for me. Like I'm not tryna argue. I don't even wanna discuss it anymore. I'm over it. Sadly. For our relationship because the feedback that I'm getting lets me know that I care more. It basically confirms what I was thinking. And I don't really know how to express that in a nice way. And I don't want to argue or make things worse. But I don't really see a resolution other than we'll probably just grow apart. I don't know to what extent, but its very apparent to me that everyone looks at me like i'm a negative person in her life and thats fine. They can think what they want, but the fact that she looks at me like this negative,drama filled person is fucking insane and I don't really know how to cordially deal with that shit. I'm not that advanced yet.<br />
<br />Muah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1951127162325407316.post-50611980193834663452013-08-20T11:05:00.003-07:002013-08-20T11:05:23.284-07:00Over ItThat moment when you no longer care. *sigh* I kinda don't like getting to this point because I know its all downhill from here. lol. <div>
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People don't understand its a chore for me to care in the first place. It takes work. I don't have a natural affinity to giving a fuck about shit that does not concern me. I'd prefer to mind my own business. But people like when you care about them, so I try. I put forth the effort. I do the work. And sometimes it pays off. Most people appreciate me. Even if its just because I can provide laughs or feel good moments. I'll take that cause thats who I try to be to people. I try to be positive. I try to keep shit light-hearted. I try to have fun. I try to be real, to myself and to others. </div>
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So of course, I would feel some type of way about people who pretend to care about me. I don't pretend. If I care, its forreal. It might not last forever, but I can put my shit to the side for someone else and be there for them. Not forever, but for as long as I can stand it. And if I feel like the person recognizes and appreciates the stuff I do, then I could probably stand it forever. Its the other side of that equation that causes me to stop fucking with people. And that's never a choice I want to make but people always seem to make it for me. </div>
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Because at the end of the day, I know I don't treat people badly. I'm honest, and some people would rather me lie and bullshit, but I'm still honest. I cant hide how I feel. I can put the shit to the side, but it doesn't go away. I guess I'm just upset to find out how people really look at me. I truly try not to judge other people for what they do. I have my own standards that I live by, and I have my opinion on what people chose to do, but I never want to make them feel like I'm right and their wrong. Or my way of living is better than what they choose to do with their lives. I can respect everyone's individuality and I wish people would respect mine. </div>
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People have always told me that they admired me for being myself. But thats funny to me because I'm not sure who else I would be if I wasn't being myself. Like that whole admiration is weird to me because I don't even know how I could be someone else. I couldn't imagine waking up every day and feeling like I had to act a certain way for whatever reason. Work related shit is about the only time when I have to do things that I probably wouldn't personally chose, but even then, I'm still me. I don't let people make me feel like I have to do anything, boss or not. I'm the boss of me. I move when God tell me to move. And thats it. Period. </div>
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The more I think, the more I probably will be single forever because I like my comfort and freedom way to much to compromise it for anyone. He'd have to be a very special man in order for me to even consider it. And not too many niggas I know got the glow I'm looking for. I attract all these ego-driven motherfuckers and I get it cause my ego is very important to me as well. But not in the sense where I think I'm the shit, and everybody else is beneath me. I control my ego, not the other way around. I was raised to appreciate everybody. Every person on this earth has something to offer, whether they act like it or appear that way or whatever. I try to be humble because I see arrogant ass people who act like they can't even be associated with someone just because of what someone else might think. I've never been like that. I like who I like and thats good enough for me. In fact, I have a tendency to like "crazy" people better because at least they are real. At least I can get a honest response out of them. Sometimes too honest, but shit I can respect that more than people who lie to me about who they are, and who I am to them. </div>
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I will never get used to people using me for their own selfish purposes. And not even providing me with the option to agree to it or not. People make me feel obligated. And when I make it known that I don't like that shit, im the problem. I probably need to just find my own place and just get away from everybody. Nobody ever thinks about me. Not proactively. Its always after the fact. If then. Like this morning, everybody knows my car is messed up. Did anybody think to see if I had a way to work? Nope. No surprise to me, but then when I said something about it, its like oh well they'll be back. I'm just supposed to be miss calm, cool and collected. That shit really annoys me. </div>
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I'm just irritable today. Not in a good mood at all. And I should be seeing as how I got a lil money today. Thank God! I need to flip it somehow. I really need to start on my clothing inventory and see what my potential profit could be. I might just sell my clothes to the lady at the furniture store. Or maybe she'll let me come out there and sell them. Idk. My mom is adamant about doing something Saturday, which is fine by me. I need to talk to Candice about renting 43. I'll bring that shit back. I gotta do something to start making some extra money so I can start going on some trips. First treat is Miami. I gotta get there soon. </div>
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And I'm about to start traveling alone. I'm just tired of going along with other people and what they want. Thats how I never really feel satisfied because I'm always tryna appease everybody else first, then myself. That shit about to change forreal. And I don't mean any harm by it, but I'm sick of catering to everyone else. I just be chillin most of the time. And most people would label that as lazy but guaranteed I'll run circles around anybody tryna label me lazy. I do have my moments where I'm perfectly fine doing nothing but that does not equate to lazy. Trust and believe I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Lazy is when you know you need to do something but you don't do it because its takes time, effort or energy to do it. And you'd rather just complain and come up with a million excuses as to why you don't need to do it right now, or at all. I know lazy people, and trust me, they wouldn't last a fucking second in my world. </div>
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My computer froze and I forgot where I was going with this but yeah I'm over it. lol</div>
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Muah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1951127162325407316.post-31262252889538659842013-08-09T08:46:00.001-07:002013-08-09T08:46:31.562-07:00Good MorningFirst I want to thank God for waking me up and allowing me to see this wonderful Friday. I appreciate it. Next, I want to apologize for all the depressing posts about friends and family lately. I get in my feelings sometime with how people treat me. And I'm hoping that I'm not coming across like I deserve to be treated a certain way because thats not how I feel. But when it comes to certain people in my life, I have to keep a keen eye to what I allow and accept because I don't just treat people any kind of way. If I'm at the point where I'm talking shit, its because I'm tired of going along with what everyone else wants to do and when it times to give a fuck about what I want, everybody turning a blind eye, and twiddling their fucking thumbs and shit. And looking at me to just understand and be cool with it, like I always am. <div>
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FUCK THAT SHIT! I keep thinking if I'm being unreasonable and having way too many expectations but I'm not. I know I'm not. Because I don't come out my mouth and ask people for shit. And again, this past month all I wanted was for people to celebrate my birthday with me. I didn't say it had to be this expensive extravaganza. I never asked for anybody's heart or lung. I just asked for people to care that it was my birthday and spend some time with me celebrating it. But I guess that was asking too much. </div>
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It's not the same if you just penciling me into your already made plans. Like who wants to feel that on their birthday that everybody is their for their own purposes. Even with the night we all went out to see Stalley for "my birthday", the night ended because of a fight that I heard was started because people was tryna leave me in my own car. And then I got blamed for it because apparently theres always some drama when I come around. I'm not sure how that was my fault seeing as how I was in the club trying to enjoy myself. I didn't start shit with anybody. But I bring the drama. </div>
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At this point in my life, I should honestly be used to it. I've dealt with my so-called family and friends making me look like the bad guy just to clean up their image a bit. I really have no idea what it is I do to people to make them treat me the way they do. It would be different if it was random occurrences, but this is at least the 2nd friend that I've had that I felt makes me look bad to everyone else, but won't talk that shit to me. We besties when its just us. But everybody else in their world looks at me like I'm trouble. And to me, as a friend, I don't allow that shit. My family could not stand one of my friends for a long time. Nobody liked her forreal but me. They all dealt with her because they knew that was my friend and as far as I was concerned, she was gonna continue to be my friend and they would have to get over it. So it was never an issue of them always tryna find a reason to be like see, I told you, she's a bad influence. And that shit never fails to hurt my feelings because my friends of all people should know that I just be tryna help and be a friend. But apparently, I'm this horrible person that does nothing but cause trouble in other people's lives. </div>
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I can't ignore what I know people are saying about me behind my back. And I know they are saying not so good stuff because of the attitude everybody has towards me. Some days I wish I had a private island I could fly off too and chill, just to get away from everybody. Because right now, I kinda hate everybody. I'm just tired of people acting like I'm so mean, and ruthless and insensitive. Like I know I can be like that but it doesn't come from nowhere. I don't wake up with attitudes like some people. And even if I do, I work hard to make sure I'm still pleasant. Even if I feel the urge to tell everybody to leave me the fuck alone. I rarely ever do it. They'd have to really be getting on my nerves for me to come out of my mouth and say that. </div>
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I treat people how they treat me. If you show me that you fuck with me, I'll fuck with you. If you show me the level that you fuck with me on, then that's what Imma revert to when it comes to you. Because its not fair that I hold up my end of the bargain and you get to do whatever the fuck you want to and I'm supposed to be cool with it. But naw, for once in my life, I'm going to stand up for myself forreal. I'm going to speak up and tell people how I feel. Regardless of how crazy it may come across, I don't even care anymore. I'm acting super dramatic but hey, thats how I feel when I'm hurt. Everything is magnified to me and I can't ignore the shit that makes me feel a certain way. Especially when its more than one or two instances that I can call on to prove my point. And I don't expect these grand displays of affection and love from people, but I do expect to feel the love and a lot of times, I don't. I feel it when I'm doing something somebody else wants me to do. But when it comes time to fuck with me and do something I really want to do that the person might not necessarily want to do, its nothing for them to pull out an excuse or sob story and I'm just supposed to care huh?</div>
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FUCK THAT SHIT TOO! And its not just one specific person that I'm talking about. A lot of people in my life treat me this way but its because I've been allowing it. Its because I care more about our relationship than fighting over petty shit that I can look over. But having to continue to look over fuck shit is not something I can get accustomed to because it makes me feel stupid. It makes me think I'm just setting myself up to be hurt and taken advantage of. I don't fuck with people I don't care about. And maybe I'm wrong for expecting people to fuck with me in the way that I want them to. But I do that for them ALL THE TIME. If people think I signed up to sit around and listen to them talk about the same shit over and over, then they are crazy. If people think I enjoy being looked at like this bad person, then they need some serious help. If people think I enjoy giving them money or paying for their shit when we go out, then they got some delusions of grandeur. Because I would prefer to spend my money on me but the sad part is if I want to do stuff with people I actually enjoy, I have to offer something that appeals to them or otherwise they won't do it. They won't care about what I want to do. And that shit makes me feel like I'm bribing people or paying them to be my friends. The shit that I do for you is my payment to being your friend. But what do I get in return? Besides shitty ass fucking attitudes towards me because I'm mad everybody basically saying fuck me when I've never carried them that way. </div>
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Maybe I'm being stubborn. Maybe I'm being over the top. Maybe my feelings are made up and what I think is going on is all in my head. But at the same time, I pick up on feelings. And I know that a lot of shit I deal with concerning Marcel affects me a lot emotionally but at the same time, I put that shit to the side and it has nothing to do with anybody else. My mama even makes me feel like she don't give a fuck about me and then she tries to blame it on me like everybody else. She went out of her way to make sure she does something for my brothers birthday, normally cooking. But when it comes to me, she's like well I ate so much the day before that I didn't want to see any food the next day. Oh really? So fuck me and my birthday huh? I didn't even get a fucking cake. No happy birthday wishes. No card. NO NOTHING. The strangers that I met out on U street made me feel more like it was my birthday than the people who should have actually cared. And then once I started talking shit everybody wants to try and make up. Or do this. Or do that. And to me, its not about spending money. I used to be broke all the time but I made sure my bitches had a good birthday. And I've complained about this before but NOBODY EVER cares enough about me to do stuff like that. </div>
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They'll tell me they hope I had a good time. But nobody ever tries to make sure. Well Jennifer did. She looked out for me and I will forever appreciate it. Danielle incorporated me into plans and things that she already had arranged, and I can appreciate that much. But I drove all the way to Maryland for her birthday. Got my party people together and we went out to celebrate. I made the whole night about her, whether she was embarrassed by it or not. It was all about her. Because to me its a sad thing to feel like nobody cares about you enough to put their lives aside and help you celebrate your special life moment. And I didn't do it because I felt sorry for her, I did it because I appreciate our friendship and I wanted to show her that I cared, despite what everybody around her would like her to think about me. And I just don't feel like I got the same treatment. And I guess I can't necessarily be mad at her for that, but it is upsetting. Because now it just seems like I care more about our friendship than she does. And I've always felt like it was more of a I can relate to you type thing but as soon as she decides to stop fucking with Terrell, she won't have a reason to continue to be friends with me. Because we don't really have too much more in common other than that. She's a girly girl, and I'm more comfortable dealing with niggas. And she be all on this if we have nothing to relate to each other, then we have nothing. I feel like she look at me like I'm this ratchet ass lil girl who needs to learn how to present myself so that a man will want me. I don't carry myself like her other friends do. I'm not sex and the city-esque. Its fun to play that role sometimes, but thats not me. And I just don't feel accepted. I feel like I'm being judged all the time, or I'm being looked at like some kind of project she took on because my cousin told her I needed a friend. And I don't want to think of our friendship in those terms but its hard for me not to when I have various moments I can recall that seem sketchy to me. </div>
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And Marcel just never gonna get it. He loves assuming shit about me too, when he knows me. He has a very selective memory and I'm sick of his ass too. I try to work through all my feelings and emotions when it comes to him but he is no help. And a lot of times, I would rather walk away than to try and convince him that I'm forreal. I'm tired of feeling like I have to prove that I'm a good person. I know I am. These motherfuckers know I am. And I guess I'm not supposed to get mad. I'm supposed to be happy all the time. I'm supposed to fake my emotions forever like everybody else. </div>
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FUCK THAT SHIT!!!! Imma get over this shit one day. Its gonna happen lol</div>
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Muah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1951127162325407316.post-1541324756923943962013-08-08T14:00:00.001-07:002013-08-08T14:00:15.924-07:00Kids are worrisome as shit. I still love them but GOT DAMN...<br />
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that is all. lolMuah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1951127162325407316.post-87909651527796041842013-08-06T11:37:00.002-07:002013-08-06T11:37:22.540-07:00Friends vs. FamilyOne thing I can say about family and friends is they both will try to take advantage of you. Family mainly because they know you, and friends mainly because they don't.<br />
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And when you peep them taking advantage of you, and still let it happen, they think shit sweet. But as soon as you call them out on it, just for 'I see what you up to" purposes, they either try to laugh it off, or get mad at you for exposing them.<br />
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My family will be quick to be like, yeah we came along cause we knew you was gonna pay. But my friends will be like, I can't believe you would even think that about me.<br />
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And I just laugh because clearly if you kept it real with yourself and me, you would at least give me the family response and I could respect that. I lose all everything for people who want me to go along with their bullshit just because we are friends. That friend shit don't mean anything to me at the end of the day. Majority of my friends, I treat like family anyway. So if you just a friend, and you fucking up, its nothing to walk away. I don't have to see you. I don't have to talk to you. I don't have to do anything. Family are the only people I feel obligated to and even some of them get the friend, or even worse, stranger treatment. I deal with people accordingly. If you act like you don't give a fuck about me, I will stop giving a fuck about you. If you act like you could care less about me, then I will care less about you. Shit very simple in my world.<br />
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I guess at the end of the day I have issues with certain people expecting me to be a friend to them, but when it comes time to being a friend to me, I'm supposed to understand everything they going through and the reason behind why they can't perform their role as my friend as they should. But again, true friends don't play roles. I'm not an actress. I'm a human being with feelings. So when you fake on your role, its not just an acting misstep to me. Its real. It means you never fully committed to being my real friend to me. Which means you never really committed to me. Which means we never was really friends. More like associates. More like co-workers. More like two people who ride the train together every morning and have a 10 minute conversation each day. These people are a part of your lives, but they do not make up your life. They can be replaced. They are interchangeable. Those roles could be filled by anybody. Everybody can't be a true friend. Because that role requires being authentic and genuine. You can't fake that shit. And a circumstantial friend always reveals themselves, in due time.<br />
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<br />Muah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1951127162325407316.post-77162505970420251072013-08-06T11:10:00.003-07:002013-08-06T11:10:47.052-07:00My FeelingsI swear sometimes I don't even know why I try to build connections and maintain relationships with people. I think maybe I expect too much from them because I would be willing to do that much for them. And usually I'm the one being true to my role, and the other person gets to bullshit around and make excuses for why they didn't do what they were supposed to, in the role they are playing.<br />
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For instance, I have been through two different situations where me being loving and supporting towards a friend was taken for granted. And the reason for that is because I am usually always there for them. In some capacity. I provide laughs, good times and overall good feelings about oneself. But for some reason, my friends always try to expose my "bad" side. But what they fail to realize is I don't hide my bad side. Anybody who has taken the time to really get to know me KNOWS that I can definitely be a bitch and difficult to deal with at times. I have mood swings. I'm ratchet and I don't feel the need to conform to social norms and rules. I do me. And I've learned how to use my different personalities to suit my purposes. I'm a bitch when I need to be. And I'm a sweetheart when the situation calls for it.<br />
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Some people confuse this for being fake or manipulative. But I never use my "powers" to take advantage of or use anyone for my own selfish reasons. I try to approach every situation with consideration for myself and others. Depending on the situation, if my needs aren't that serious at the moment, I can consider the needs of others and work things out. But in no way do I ever USE people for what I need them for and then act like they never did a got damn thing for me. Sorry my frustration came out in that last line. lol.<br />
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But seriously, even if I need somebody for something I want, I will let them know upfront that I need them. That's me being courteous enough to let them decide whether they want to go along with me and what I want or not. And to me, thats showing respect for a person's time, life, and personal choices. People think that just because somebody is your friend or your boyfriend or whatever that you have to make certain sacrifices that go along with playing that particular role.<br />
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Like for instance, friends tell each other happy birthday. They may exchange gifts. They check up on each other when they know one is going through something. They tell your kids happy birthday. They remember important moments in your life. They are their to listen and give advice. They keep your secrets to themselves. I could go on and on about what friends do because its a role and people definitely know how to play it.<br />
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But when it comes to being a real friend. A true friend. Its one key thing about that kind of friendship that differs from somebody playing the role as your friend. A true friend actually cares about yall relationship and they would never do anything to jeopardize it. A true friend will say fuck whatever I have going on and make sure their friend is okay if they are going through something. A true friend knows a person character and will never make assumptions about them because they know them. They allow people to have opinions of their friends but if somebody tries to slander their friends name or put negative labels on them, they would take up for them immediately, and not even allow it for one second. A true friend doesn't try to solve shit through petty methods. They would want to talk it out because they would want to clear things up in the friendship.<br />
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I could go on and on forever about that too. But I said all that to say, true friends are hard to find. And the fucked up part about it sometimes is you can tell when somebody believes somebody is their true friend or when somebody is just fucking with them for whatever reason. And for me, I see how some of my friends treat certain people who they call their friends. And it should be no surprise to me that they would treat me the same way. And for my case, I have to deal with people labeling me as this bad person, making up stories to suit their image, and its fucked up. True friends don't use each other as scapegoats. True friends be like I was right there with my bitch when shit popped off, we in this together. If you think she a hoe, well i'm a hoe too then. Not oh ummmmm, i don't have anything to do with that. I stayed at home. She's my friend but I don't do the shit she does. Like that throw a person under the bus shit is not what true friends do. You'll play your own face just to save your friends. Because again, at the end of the day, what REALLY matters is you and friends relationship. And if you have to deal with people looking at you funny because of who you hang out with then you live with it. Because thats a true friend.<br />
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I'm not wishy washy when it comes to people I fuck with. But when I start feeling like you only keeping me arond for your own selfish purposes, and not because you fuck with me, then it gotta cut my ties because those aren't the people I want in my life. I want people who actually fuck with me. People who take the time to get to know and understand me. And when somebody doesn't take the chance to even try to understand me, I can instantly tell that they never gave a fuck about me. Because anybody that I fuck with who tries to put all this bad shit on me, lets me know that you don't really fuck with me. Because I don't treat anybody that I fuck with badly, so I can never understand where that shit comes from.<br />
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Watch the company you keep is right. And I need to start realizing that just because I can care about people outside of myself does not mean they are capable of doing so. I need to find people who are. Those are my kindred spirits. Message!Muah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1951127162325407316.post-41278508994258294682013-08-04T14:51:00.001-07:002013-08-04T15:14:58.778-07:00Still Depressed lolBut forreal, I do feel like I could use a pick me up. But whatever, I'll just focus on getting my business up and running by October 1st. That's my goal. I want to have a spot by October so I can bank on a Halloween themed month. I have a bunch of ideas that I think would be cool. I'm excited about it. This post probably should go on my other blog, but even though I'm talking about business, its still more personal.<br />
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I've said all that to say that idea is about the only thing I feel the need to focus on right now. My birthday celebration plans didn't quite go as I hoped, but at the end of the day I had a good time. I didn't expect to be so stressed but whatever, I'm over it. Its just always a blow to me when I find out how much somebody REALLY fucks with me. Because in my experience, niggas swear they fuck with you until its time to fuck with you and then every got damn excuse in the book gets pulled out their ass. I'm really not even mad about it, im just over it. Especially when the opportunity to address whatever is bothering you is presented and you don't say shit, or you just be complaining about petty shit thats not really bothering you, then what the fuck is my purpose at that point? Should I force you to tell me whats wrong? How can you even do that? I don't have those powers. So if somebody has a problem with me and they won't express it to me, then is it really a problem to them? Because I'm not understanding how that works. If I have issues with somebody but I know its not a problem at the end of the day, then i'm not gonna be acting like its a problem. I'm gonna act like shit cool, not be mad at some shit underneath the surface. If imma get over it, imma get over it.Especially when I've been nothing but nice and motherfuckers feel like they deserve some type of special treatment for the shit they've did for me. Like I haven't done anything. I dont announce the stuff I do. I don't make people feel obligated to me when I do stuff for them. I could really be a pure cold blooded asshole, but I try to care. Or at least sympathize, and if I can help monetarily, I will. If its support or just a person to listen, I can do that too. But when you do stuff for people without making a big announcement about it, they don't notice. Because for some reason they feel like they deserve to be treated nicely. Well maybe you get treated like shit because you treat people like shit. Because you not going out of your way forreal to do something for someone else. I treat people how they treat me. You fuck with me, I'll fuck with you. You look out for me and I'll look out for you. And I'll go first, i don't mind. But if you don't get me, then thats a violation. And I'll probably overlook it because I'm too fuckin nice. But if its a consistent thing, then I gotta stop fucking with you. Especially if its blatant that what I want to do doesn't fucking matter to you at all.<br />
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If I'm a bad person, lord please let me know. If I be out here being a ruthless, insensitive motherfucker let me know. Because some people I know would swear out thats me and they are the ones I treat the nicest. I guess they want me to lie to them like everybody else. They want me to make them falsely feel good about themselves. Or they want me to talk shit to them because that means I love them and care about them. Or basically they want me to go along with the lies they put out in their world, and I'll let them do them, all I ask is don't judge me. But that never happens. I could join a convent and people would still find some bad shit to say about that. I'd be the whore in nun's clothing or something. Hey that would make a good movie. Sister Act-esque. lol. But forreal, its hard out here when people try to use you as a scapegoat for why their life is fucked up. I swear I didn't make any final decisions on anybody's life, so the shit you dealing with is all you. I just happen to be around. And thats probably because most people in my life only really wanna fuck with me when they going through some shit and they need some support or somebody to talk to or whatever. And I try not to give too much advice because then people will say I told them to do it. But then when I don't say anything, its because I don't really care. How can I feel sorry for someone who makes a conscious decision to do what they do? How can you be mad at me for listening to you complain and cry about a problem, and then you go right back to the problem like shit straight? And when I'm no longer emotionally invested because I've heard it all before, i'm rude, insensitive, and an asshole motherfucker who only cares about herself. And I get blamed for not caring anymore but I just don't know how much I can really fuck with somebody who uses me just to get what they want. Everyone does though. I should be used to it but that's something that I will never understand. I'm a genuine person. I don't like being fake, unless I have to. And the only time being fake is necessary to me is work-related shit. If I gotta talk to a bitch I don't really fuck with or something, but thats it. In my personal life I don't have to do shit but what I want to. And I don't have to hang around people who fuck with me when they chose. MAN if I only fucked with people when I wanted to, people wouldn't fuck with me at all. Because I'd only come around if I wanted or needed something lol. But again, I make a conscious effort to really only fuck with people whose company I enjoy because I don't like being used, so I don't wanna use people. I'll let somebody know what I need them for, and let them decide if they want to do it or not. No hard feelings. I love the fact that I have choices in my life, I can't be mad if somebody doesn't do what I want them to do. I don't feel like I deserve shit from anybody except proper treatment because I don't set out in my life to do bad shit to people. But I'm always the bad guy. I always get used. And I should be used to it. <br />
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Like seriously, I should really be used to it. But I don't like the shit. If you gone use me, at least let me know. At least, keep it real with me because I can see through the bullshit. People always wanna keep connections with me but I want people to fuck with me. Show me you love me cause otherwise, I'll go find some people who will. And I don't think its too much to ask people to love me or leave me alone. Point blank period. That's how I'm carrying my life from now on because that's how I feel. Don't tell me how much you fuck with me. Don't come up with some beautiful words and put them together like its supposed to mean shit to me. SHOW ME. Because if actions speak louder than words, then its a good thing I got Jesus. And a couple other important people in my life because I'd be so sad and alone. Its just gotta be hard being around people who know they don't really fuck with you. They do it for their own selfish reasons and then have you walking around looking stupid because you actually care about them, outside of yourself. I want somebody to do something for me that has nothing to do with them. And all because they fuck with me.<br />
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I think thats one lesson that maybe I'm missing the point of. I can be naive. And I think I am very optimistic when it comes to people and my relationships with them. BUT GOTDAMN, can I please just get some people in my life who want me to be in theirs? And who not gone fight their feelings for me. Or who not gone think that I'm tryna judge them or make them look like a bad person. Or who would be willing to take up for me and not let others opinions or even their own opinion influence how they treat me.<br />
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Because basically if I let other people tell it, I'm insensitive, rude, I don't care about any else's feelings or problems, I'm a whore and no one is ever gonna date me because of it, I'm a bad house guest because I cook and don't wash dishes. I'm a liar because I'm vague with details because I'm tired of explaining myself. Or I'm a liar just because everybody else in their world is apparently liars. I'm manipulative. I'm crazy. I'm an angry black woman. I'm mean. I don't give a fuck about anyone but myself. I'm mentally retarded. I'm probably never gonna find a guy who wants to love me because apparently I'm not all that lovable. The list could go on and on and thats all the shit I heard just from the month of July. My birthday month. Its good to know how people really feel about me. But I could have dealt with that shit after my birthday month. I wanted to have fun lol.<br />
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But the crazy part about all that is I know for a FACT that I am none of those things because I make conscious efforts to try and be nice and understanding and all that. When in actuality, i'm more comfortable not caring. So I inconvenience myself to give a fuck about people who really don't give a fuck about me. See how i'm losing in that situation? When you start caring about people, especially needy people, they expect you to care forever. all the fucking time. I get to a point where I'm like you should care more about yourself. The only person who really cares is Jesus. And that's real. And I don't say shit like that to be mean or to get people off my back, but I say it because its the fucking truth. You and Jesus are the only two people in your life who can always be there for you. And expecting someone else to be your savior, is a set up for failure. Or at least its a set up for a reality check because again, nobody cares but Jesus. I can sympathize with someone, but if you actually want me to care about your problems like they are mine, then I think you're crazy. Because their your problems. Instead of trying to find someone to care about them, solve them. Everybody has a sob story. Yours ain't no different. We all tryna live out here, and we're doing nobody a favor by solving their problems for them. I know I have a way of calming people down and getting them going and I hate it because people swear out they wanna change, but they really just wanna complain. They just wanna talk about shit so that they feel better about themselves. Because let a lot of motherfuckers tell it, including myself, we know how shit should be. But its not how shit is, and I know complaining ain't changing anything. I can show a motherfucker how shit should be way better than I could tell them.<br />
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I cannot wait until the day God blesses me with a man who knows me and loves me anyway. A guy who is very stand up and about his business. A man who will look at me as his support system and he can feel safe telling me any and everything. A gentleman who has that hood nigga swag to him. Trill shit. Real shit. I wanna be able to feel it. I want the love to seep out my pores and just surround us. I want people to look at us and KNOW we happy forreal. Thats it not any bullshitting going on at all. I want a love that only God could bless with me. A love that is satisfying. A love that is understanding. A love that is God-like in nature and will stand the test of time and our lives and the world we live in. I'm getting to this selfish stuff because I believe thats the only way Imma get to this life that God has waiting for me. I wanna be in a position to help people. I can't help people be happy and satisfied, if I'm not happy or satisfied. I could but again, I'd rather show them what I be talking about instead of just running my mouth about it. I believe its a man out there just for me. He gone get me. And he's going to be available for me. And he's going to want a spot in my life without me having to convince him that its a good idea. He'll be able to feel that its a great idea. That in fact, he knows and recognizes beforehand that it would be the worse decision of his life to walk away from me. He would never let me go. And I would never want him to. I would want to spend my life with him and no one else. And our love would be the number one and most important reason we were together, for both of us. I will feel like I have a partner. Somebody to go at life with together. And carve our own slot. Make our own lane. Show people that you can follow your own rules and its not blasphemous. Its not just something that happens in movies. That in fact, God wants us to enjoy ourselves and have the time of our lives all the time, and not just in spurs. I'm ready. Amen.<br />
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<br />Muah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1951127162325407316.post-71249878433811816022013-07-23T16:15:00.000-07:002013-07-23T16:15:25.365-07:00I must be depressedBecause lord knows I attract some of the most depressed motherfuckers. lol. I get it in a sense because I'm essentially living a life that I want to change for the better in various ways. I don't mope around because of it. I'm not out here tryna party and act like shit ain't real. I'm just chillin tryna take life one day at a time but everybody around me seems so depressed. Like I was so excited to be where I am for this month and for my birthday. I was ready to have fun, have a good time, show out and experience the city FOR ONCE. I actually had money and I was ready. Everybody knew I was coming and we decided to do this and that, and we went out of course, but that's nothing different from normal.<br />
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And the crazy part about it is people be looking at my like its my fault we haven't done shit. I'm like I've been waiting for yall. Every time Im excited to do shit, this person don't have money and that person don't really wanna go. I don't have much to work with. And its nobody fault. I'm not mad, I'm just over depressing and broke people. lol. I need some happy life living motherfuckers who don't mind spending money in my life. Those are my true kindred spirits. lol. I feel sad as fuck right now for no real reason. That's the real sad part lol. I have fun in my spirit but it must be some spirit demons stealing my joy around me or something cause GOT DAMN. lol. I don't know where I belong. I leave NC to come have a life and get here and do less and spend more money than I probably would have if I just stayed my ass at home. I always end up like this for my birthday. I'm depressed. I need a money and fun miracle in my life right now. That would be love.<br />
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Until next time...Muah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1951127162325407316.post-81323669959222714022013-06-04T06:56:00.001-07:002013-06-04T06:56:24.427-07:00That Moment When you realize all your hard work has amounted to NOTHING. And all thats left for you to do is walk away and begin anew. I feel sad, angry, frustrated, mad, hurt, just super super emotional in a not so good way. Its not necessarily bad because I need something to click in my head, and I think this was really it for me. And I think what is really becoming a moral crisis to me is that fact that I have been trying to care for years despite how much I wanted to say Fuck it, because I was really in love. To me thats the definition of Love. I don't give a fuck about much but I always try when it comes to love. I just rarely succeed lol.<br />
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Its almost like the more I love people, the more they push me away. And the more I don't care, the more they want me around. I don't operate like that. If I love you, I want more. If I don't, then I want less. I may very well be the crazy one, but thats how I work. And I don't really understand anything else. I've been trying to get it. But forreal one of the craziest things in the world to me is people who chose to stay and stick around people who are bad for them. Like the situation with me and my friend fits that category. I think she appreciated the shit I did for her and the fact that I tried to be a good person, but at the same time, hated me for it because it only magnified how fucked up she really was. So therefore in her mind, I was purposely trying to make her feel bad or look bad. When that was so not the case. I never try to make anyone feel anything. I prayed away negativity and her ass was the first to go lol. It is what it is.<br />
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But back to the point I was trying to make. I just can't seem to get any magic going in my love life. I've been cursed lol. Venus in Virgo says it all. pray for me lol. Thats my only hope forreal. I'm too calculating with love but that shit is such a risk and in my past experience, I'd be better off being a bachelorette for the rest of my life. I always get guys who wanna be in love with me from day one, or they wanna fight being in love with me. They not used to somebody like me so they assume the worst. Story of my love life. I've even been in situations where a guy swear he love me and wanna talk to me but he has a girlfriend, then as soon as they break up, he went and got another girlfriend and said fuck me. And of course, that new girlfriend said fuck him, and then he tried to come back to me and I had to walk away. I have stories like these for days, months, years lol. I must have broke a lot of hearts in my past life cause Lord knows I just don't deserve this treatment. lol. I'm laughing but I'm so serious.<br />
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Am I doomed to life of fucking around with niggas forever? I so wanna settle down, you wouldn't know it from how I act, but I only party and shit like I do because what else should I be doing? I don't have any kids. I don't have any huge financial responsibilities. I don't have a man. I have one friend that I actually hang out with and she's in another state. I work from time to time on coming up with a great business idea and model and I reward myself with fun. I be on it and that probably sounds like the life to somebody with more serious and rigid responsibilities but the set up of my current life is all circumstance. I'd rather be with my boo, building a life together, creating a home and family, arguing about dumb shit like whose turn it is to take out the trash, and what to eat for dinner but I don't know any men who want to do that with me. And that makes me sad. All guys that I've ever tried to fuck with on a serious level always make me feel like they decided to fuck with me because they probably should. Its like idk what it is about her, but I should probably keep this bitch on my team. And thats it. Im always just a team member. Never a starter, never a franchise player. I'm the secret weapon niggas pull out when their team fucking suck and they need an extra boost to get them through to the next level. I'm clutch. I make shit happen. I'll turn some shit around and get us through the fire. But as soon as we reach the other side, I be the only one there. Maybe I expect too much. But I would never abandon a person that has always been there for me. Especially if they've always treated me good and made me feel loved. I make a conscious effort to do that for people, not for myself, but for them.<br />
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And I guess I'm getting to the root of my problem. I never feel treated good or loved. Just this morning me and my mom had a "moment" because I was trying to meditate this morning and she walked in a ruined my vibe by cutting on a light after I said, don't come up in here turning on lights. And then when I get up to turn the light off, she looking at me like Really, you want me to keep the light off. Do I have a tendency to say shit and not be serious about it? I must do because no one takes me seriously. I have to go off and talk shit and channel my natural inner asshole before people take heed to what I say. And then they just label me crazy afterwards. And I'm like I don't be wanting to act like this, but people don't get that just because I try to be nice and understanding doesn't mean that I am. I'm really a bitch. I really don't care. I'm out here tryna provide a service to the world by being nice because most people don't. Most people don't give a fuck. Most people feel like their problems are so much bigger than everyone elses. Most people think its okay to go off on somebody just because of how they feel. Most people are cool with being a bitch because it just means they know what they want and are willing to do whatever to get it. I'm not. I don't want to take advantage of a person's fear or weakness to force them to do what I want them to do. thats the way of the world, but that shit is so wrong to me. If anything we should be trying to help people get over their fears and work through their weaknesses, and that way you can feel good knowing the person decided to be with you because they wanted to, not because you played the game so well.<br />
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I can never get accustomed to treating love like its a game. Because to me, its not something you should play with at all. It should always be about expressing honest feelings and creating real moments. You know real love is some good shit cause people will pretend and play roles forever just to appear like they got it. You gotta draw a line to that fake it til you make it shit. Some shit you can get away with, but love is not one of them. You know when that shit is real. You don't even have to have any prior experience with Love to know when its real. I even think you can have a fucked up view of love and still know that its fake and shouldn't be like that. Because even if you never loved another person, you probably have loved something in life. You may love to play video games, or sports. Or you might love talking shit. Or you might love how it feels after you leave a concert. And all those good feelings you get from doing things you love, you will NEVER forget. So for people to tell me they don't care about love, or believe in love, or trust love or whatever, I don't understand because we all love something and we know how good that something makes us feel. And thats just as much a real love as falling in love with a person.<br />
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I'll even go a step further and talk about my love of money. When I have money, I'm the happiest person alive. When I don't, shit sucks. I'm not necessarily unhappy when I'm broke and poor, but I know I can be much happier with money. lol. But at the same time, money is not the end all, be all to my happiness. If I never made another dime, I could still be happy because there are people and things to do in my life that mean more to me than money ever will. Money just affords me the opportunity to spend time with people I love and do things that I love. Thats all it is for me. Its a tool. Just like instagram is a tool that allows me to keep a record of all my good times. Or how Google is a tool that keeps answers to my questions at my fingertips. Or my cellphone is a tool to helping me keep in contact with people. Money is the link to me being able to do things I want with people I love. And whereas that link is very vital to myself and my happiness, I still could never let it control me. I could never be happy in a situation where I have access to an unlimited source of money but I had no one to really share it with. I could always look out for strangers or do charitable things of that sort, but it would mean more to me to help out someone that I knew personally. I guess I could get to know someone personally and achieve the same result. I guess. In fact, now that I think about it, people who don't know me, are more appreciative of my help and support. And a lot of times, I'm not overly helpful to people who know me because they'll just sit back and want me to do everything.<br />
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I think I just have a problem with the people who know me. I get no respect from them. They'd rather fear me and all I want is to be loved and respected. People treat me like a dictator when I'm really more like Project Manager. I guess I could come across like i'm barking out orders and my way is the best way, BUT I would never recommend somebody do something that would harm or hurt them or set them back in any way. I'm always looking out for everybody else best interest. I don't normally reflect on my life in association with someone else's so I can give advice that will better someone instead of keeping them where they are. I'm always looking out for people or doing that something extra, requested or not, and I just never really feel like I have that here on earth. Caretakers and givers of the world need love too. Through God I've found a couple people throughout life who I can honestly and truly from the bottom of my heart say that I know love me and as long as I am me, they will. My mother and brother and his fam is one group of people. My new friend Danielle. My cousins. My aunts and uncles. My old supervisor Nora. My old friends Quita and Sharnece and Courtney. I've generalized some of these groups and some of the people are a lil sketchy, but i do believe that at the end of the day, they want me to do well for myself. Whether they are helpful or supportive about it. I don't assume that these people wish bad things on me. I know Nora prays for my wellbeing and success. I think my mom does too. I need to start praying more.<br />
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This is the longest random post ever but this is my mind right now. All over the damn place. I been crying since 2:30 am last night and I don't even really know why. I'm trying to figure it out. I'm just sad. Im not good with taking emotional losses. My persistence has a tendency to hold on to things longer than needed. I'm hurt. I want to be bitter. I want to be spiteful. I want to be petty. And I was basically given permission to do all those things BUT I can't. I really can't. And I think thats why I'm so frustrated, because I really do put forth the effort to be a good person and to handle shit in a good way, but I always get the short end of the stick. Im always left to deal. Everybody else go on their merry way like shit sweet and I'm suffering emotionally because I can't shake being mistreated or disrespected as quick as other people. That shit really bothers me and I always just ignore it. I distance myself or walk away from a situation. And I think this time I would go unnoticed because thats what I been doing. I wanna say something. I wanna scream. I wanna yell. I wanna fight. I wanna let it be known how I really feel. Because people never notice when you walk away, they just notice what you don't do anymore. The notice your presence is gone. And it takes a real person to admit they were wrong or admit they could have handled shit better. Thats what people do when they appreciated your presence and they miss you and want you back in their life. And I think the situation I'm in now is so sad for me because he's not gonna care. I've walked away from this nigga a million times. He knows I love him but he told me he doesn't want me to care anymore.And I wanna not care SO BAD, but that shit is not in his best interest lol. I don't know how to just turn it off. Or how it turn it down. Either I care or I don't. I don't know how to halfway care. I don't know how to fake my feelings. I know how to not show them but I don't know how to not feel them.<br />
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My feelings are so important to me that I could never discredit them. Its been times where I was like wtf were you thinking, but at the end of the day, I know my feelings work properly. My mind and ego be on some other shit. When something makes me angry, I get upset. When somebody tells me a story, I can feel if it was some bullshit involved. When I'm happy, I'm on top of the world. If I'm excessively worried about something, I know its a real risk involved. I don't understand how people can live a life where their feelings dont matter. They have to feel like they don't matter. I used to be like that. And I still feel like nobody gives a fuck about me and my feelings. But I care. And if I care, I can at least stand up for myself and feelings and not let people discredit it just because it doesn't mean shit to them.<br />
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He really hurt my feelings yesterday. If I had wrote him a love letter, he wouldn't have called me with a soliloquy. He would have ignored that shit. But I send him a message talking shit and I get a response right away. Its sad. For him. And for us because I don't want to be in that kind of relationship. If the only way I can get you to do stuff is to nag and talk shit until you are tired of hearing my mouth, then its a problem. I can go find a motherfucker who will listen the first time. I don't need that stress lol. I don't even want to be that person. Thats not a good place for me lol. I can be a bitch forreal given the right circumstances and I don't want to become accustomed to being that type of person all the time. Bitches be mad at the world for any and everything, I just wanna be happy. I wanna keep a real smile on my face naturally. I just wanna be so happy that I can't not be happy. lol. I felt that way when me and him first started talking, I remember I came home one day and my cousin broke my laptop, and my cousin boyfriend at the time, broke my dvd player. And my boo was mad at me because I wasn't mad at them. I'm like they're poor, they can't replace it, its no need for me to be mad. Its okay. lol. I didn't give a fuck, I had my boo, thats all i cared about lol. I'm not material at all. Love may not pay the bills, but shit, if Love not involved, I don't think the bills worth paying. And I really believe that lol<br />
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I'm a different breed. I've recognized it a long time ago. And I rarely find people who get me. I'll continue to search though. Its funny because I need somebody loving and supporting but that shit makes me so uncomfortable at the same time because I don't know how to respond to it because I'm not used to it. I know how to be loving and supporting but I don't know how to receive it. I need to work on that. Maybe that will be my breakthrough moment. Lord knows I need one. I haven't given up faith wise, but i need a reminder why doing the right thing is so important. Or doing what feels right. Are they the same thing? I need blinders cause I just get caught up in other people getting what they want through fucked up purposes, and how easy it seems. My poor little heart won't let me do evil things so I guess I'll continue on this path of righteousness. God please allow me to see the light, I need to know its there because this tunnel seems super long. Or maybe I'm just driving super slow. Whatever it is. Please help me see it. Amen. Love ya, thank you!Muah!!!http://www.blogger.com/profile/07895161822984857271noreply@blogger.com0