Coming up with Nothing

Tried to think of a heading for this post but I'm coming up with nothing. I just need to clear my mind and get my get my thoughts back in order. I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll start with one of my favorite subjects: LOVE.

Even though I never truly feel the love, I guess its there huh? Some people just seem so loved and idk if its because of the love they show to others or because they demand it. Idk. I always feel like I'm missing something. Like everybody got these secrets that I know nothing about. And the more I try to experience love, the more I get hurt. And idk if its because I'm looking for love in all the wrong places, or what. I'm lost.

And what is so mind boggling to me is that I meet him guys who are emotionally unavailable. And I'm starting to think that maybe I'm the reason for that. Am I emotionally unavailable? I don't think I am. I want to love the fuck outta somebody one day. I really do. But shit always seem like an uphill battle and I know it shouldn't be this hard. I feel like every guy I deal with I have to reprogram them because they be having relationships and women and shit fucked up. All women are not "CRAZY." All women don't have to text, call and boo love all day for shit to be cool. I'm not a typical woman, I know that. I don't do typical thing, I do me. And I think its hard to find somebody who can appreciate a woman like me. I am independent, always have been. Depending on others has never really worked out in my favor, so I try not to do it. I got me. And I think that may intimidate guys who used to needy woman. I can definitely take care of myself. I'm very far from a damsel in distress but sometimes I feel like my life would be so much easier and fulfilling if I just played the role of one.

I'm chill naturally. And when I'm not chillin, I'm probably somewhere wilding out. Or what I call wilding out. Its really just being myself but I just chill alot cause my personality very nightlife and its not always called for. But sometimes I chill so much that I feel like I'm not being myself. And I want people to know both sides of me because I am very dichotomous. I'm either somewhere acting like a grandma or turning up like a 21 year old. No in between. I hide behind my cool demeanor. It's me but its more of a defense mechanism, I guess.

If you don't know the real me, then you can't judge me. You can't predict what I might do next. You can't try to box me in a certain category. You just gotta accept me for me and learn to love me for who I am. And the more comfortable I am with you, the more I will show you what I call "the real me." Not everybody gets to see that person. I'm very sensitive and easily hurt. I take everything personal and be ready to beat motherfuckers up all the time. I'm kinda loud and ratchet when I wanna be. I have no couth cause sometimes the shit I say out of my mouth, I dont see whats wrong with it. Especially if its the truth. I realize that a lot of that has a negative connotation but I'm also genuine, and I have a loving, caring spirit. And I don't really fear too much. Love was a fear of mine for a long time because of heartbreak. But after having my heart shattered into a million pieces and I had pick it all up and put it back together, I'm not scared anymore, I'm cautious. I'm careful. I keep a very close watch on my emotions and feelings. I always have but its with better intention this time.

If I fear anything, its not living out my life. I fear being stuck in some bullshit forever. I fear not being able to have the love of my life and family and a child or children of my own. I fear wasting so much time with the wrong person. I fear giving so much of myself away that there's nothing left for me at the end of the day. I fear not being appreciated. I fear not feeling loved. I fear that my life story will be nothing but "Megan was a good person. She was always there for me when I needed her. And she knew how to have fun." And thats it. And I dont mind those things, but I want more for myself out of my own life instead of it being defined by what I did for others. I feel like right now, the things I have done for others is my greatest accomplishment. And thats not a bad thing but its not necessarily all that good for me because I spend so much time helping others.

And it happens naturally. So naturally that sometimes I have to tell myself I can't be everything to everybody. And I will feel bad about it when I can't do something. I make people problems my own way too often and the sad part that really hurts me is they never truly appreciate. Like the shit I've done for people, I could never repay me enough for it. Cause it was genuine. It wasn't for no other reason than the fact that I decided to do it. People may have asked me but I did it because I chose to. And to me, to have a genuine person on your team that is willing to look out for your best interests is everything. It almost seem unreal to me because idk who does that for me, besides God. I dont even know if I really look out for my own best interests. Idk what my interests are anymore.

I'm so lost. I dont know how much more soul searching I can do. I feel like I been soul searching for the past 10 years. Since I been out of high school forreal. I dont like to compare myself to others but its hard not to. I don't feel like I'm doing bad in life, but I know I could be doing a lot better for myself. I've allowed myself to feel stuck and I do not know why. I think because I'm getting older and I feel like I should be living a more stable lifestyle. But I don't have kids. Like my life would be totally different if I had children. I know for a fact. Not necessarily as far as what I do, but as far as what I have for myself. Cause I aint got shit but my iPhone now.

And So It Begins...AGAIN

That's a phrase that I always use when I embark on a new adventure or experience. This time its a little different because I've done this before. Back in 2009, I left my current job, packed all my clothes up and moved to Maryland with some relatives. I spent 6 months being broke and poor, living off a refund I got for taking college classes. That I didn't even finish because I really just needed the money. I woke up every morning about 8:00 and applied for jobs online until about 12:00 pm. EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I got interviews. I got job offers. I didn't take anything of them because they weren't within the realm of what I could realistically do. Most of the jobs I needed a car of my own and I had left my car with my mom in NC. I had to rely on public transportation to get to and from work if I accepted the job. I eventually ended up moving back to NC to work my old job for the summer when I got a phone call while at work one day with a job offer that could work for me. I interviewed for an assistant position at University of MD and the lady I interviewed with liked me so much she decided to take a chance on me. There were people more qualified for the job, but somehow I impressed her and she wanted me to work for her. She called me and offered me the job and I took it.

I had a going away party and moved back to Maryland the next day to start my job. It was a good experience. I loved my job. It was unfortunate I was brought into a work environment that was shitty and had to deal with a lot of petty co-workers because of it. It was slightly racial seeing as me and my supervisor were the only black people in the office and we were always targeted for something. Shit we didn't even do. Everybody was mad we actually came to work and did our jobs. And it made them look bad because they came to work to socialize and make fake friends and shit. Until eventually, as a tactic to get back at my supervisor, they suddenly let me go because of "budget cuts." I respect them for that just because it allowed me to get unemployment.

I was so happy in that moment. I got a chance to relax for once. Sorta. My personal life was completely in shambles at the time too. The one person I thought had my back up and left me to raise his child and be with his baby mama. I was devastated. Took me YEARS to recover. And by years I mean, at least like 5 years to fully feel like myself again. But surviving that heartbreak let me know that I care about my life and myself more than anything out here. I was living with my aunt and uncle at the time. They were mad at me because I moved in with them under the agreement that I would tutor and help their son with his school work. Which I did. But I did it in a way where he didn't always need me. I taught him how to do the shit himself. How to be confident that he can write an essay on his own. And I know for a fact, it helped him tremendously but they couldn't see that. All they could see is I wasn't stuck up they son ass or theirs. For anything. After losing my job, I started staying with my friend. I only went back to my aunts house if I needed clothes. My aunt asked my cousin to write me a letter asking me to leave her house. I was gonna be petty and sit around and wait for her to say something to me but instead, I packed all my shit, and took the bus to back to NC.

Again, a decision I am proud of because it gave me the opportunity to spend the last 3 years of my grandfathers life with him. I helped my mom and aunt take care of him as he suffered with COPD and eventually come to find out Metastatic liver cancer. My grandfather was on hospice care for like a year and a half. Being on it so long that they wanted to take him off because he wasn't getting worse. When in actuality, he just wasn't showing it. I wouldn't trade that moment in time for anything else in the world and would make that same decision a million times over. Even just writing about this is making me tear up because it was something that I sacrificed myself for. I could have been out doing other things with my life but I wanted to be there for my grandfather. And him telling my mom one day that I do all the important work in the house let me know that he saw my dedication to him and his wellbeing, even though he was slowly dying right in front of my eyes. One of the hardest things I ever had to deal with. I cried many nights praying that my grandfather died in his sleep so he wouldn't have to suffer so bad. He suffered but he went out a lot more peacefully than he could have. I was always worried that I would walk in his room and see him trying to catch his breath and watch him basically have a heart attack and die in front of my face. I couldn't handle that and I prayed often for better for my grandfather and God came through for me. Of course. And I will forever be grateful for that. God got me for that one forreal. And the fact that my grandfathers death was one of the best times of my life as far as family being around and everyone just having a good time, just like my grandfather wished, it was magical. It was like it used to be as far as my family getting together and just enjoying life. My grandfather was really the life of the party. I loved him for than anything. We had a relationship of respect and love and understanding. I was the only person who could talk to my grandfather when he got into one of his fuck what you talking about moods. And i would have to get rough. He's pulled  a knife on me plenty times but it was all love. He knew he met his match with me. I'm just like my grandmother lol. Sweetest woman on Earth until you fuck with her, then you better take cover bitch cause its going down. And I'm not stopping until I do and say everything I want to.

But I said all that to say that, its about to go down! I made a decision recently that was huge for me. God willin everything goes magically wonderful and this will probably hands down be the turning point of my life that I will always look back on and be like I'm so glad you did that shit. I'm so glad you went against everything you've been told and made a choice that was best for you. And you never looked back. On and upward. I feel like sometimes we talk about dreams but we don't think its possible to live them. And I'm still not sure what will come from this decision but I wanna chase my dreams some more. I know for a fact I'll never catch em if I don't try so this is it. It is time. Shout out to Rob and my cousin Chaise for being life livers and making me realize that I need to start now before I get sucked into the world of giving up. I really feel like things are going to be great though. I don't know how things will play out at all, but I've always been good at winging it with a plan. So here we go once again...

And so it begins.

God please watch over me as I embark on this journey. Grandma, Dude and Chaise, I know yall got me. My three angels in heaven. Love yall for eternity. I think I'm ready. Somebody gotta do it for us all. I kinda always been the chosen one. The golden child. I been different. Time to live like it. Get my life forreal. Amen.

"I think I like who I'm becoming..." - Drake

I decided to come to this blog with a different attitude today and instead of discussing my frustrations, I want to speak on some accomplishments I've made in the past couple years.

One of the biggest accomplishments I have made recently is surviving having my heartbroken and remaining positive about love despite it all. It was not easy at all. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep and waking up with puffy eyes. I've written many poems, letters and songs to my ex boo. I even wrote a screenplay detailing a lot of my emotions that at the moment, I could not express in a positive manner. That screenplay probably saved my life more than anything. It was so cathartic for me. I remember writing it and I would literally be laughing or crying or angry depending on the moment. It allowed me to write a happy ending to a story that in reality did not end as well as I had hoped it would. And one day, I hope to have this screenplay turned into a movie for the whole world to see. 

Another accomplishment that I'm proud of is accepting myself. I remember a time where I could be me so effortlessly. I didn't feel the need to hide myself from others. And then my mom told me I was being mean and needed to check my attitude. So I started being nice to people. I started giving them the benefit of the doubt. I started keeping my attitude to myself and it probably helped me in some instances like being a professional at work. But in my personal life, me always feeling like I had to go the nice route was wearing on my soul. And it make me feel like I wasn't naturally a nice person because being nice seemed so hard. And I started feeling like maybe my mom was right, maybe I am a mean person. Maybe I'm not that good of a person that I thought I was. It made me question who I was and eventually I found myself in many situations that showed me who I was. 

And through more heartbreak, losing people I considered my friends, and many cold war tension days, I realized that I am a nice person but I'm also not for the bullshit of people treating me with disrespect or disdain. And I learned that it is okay to take up for myself and not let people tell me who I am. I know me very well, always have. But I guess I had to go through some things like that to make it more clear to myself that I am a good person who deserves love and respect and honesty and understanding and all the positive things that make life worth while. 

And I learned how important it is to not hold grudges, but to let people make their decisions and just carry on with my life because I am the only person I can control. The past 5 years have been a huge self discovery and learning experience for me in many areas of my life. I feel more like I used to as far as myself goes, but I know that I've grown up in so many ways that I'm not the same person at all. And I am proud of that. 

I've learned a lot about love and what it means to me and how important it is for happiness in my life. Loving god and myself being the most important and loving others coming in a close second. And thats another accomplishment that I am proud of as well; establishing and building my own personal relationship with God. I always believed in God. I went to church and sunday school and bible study growing up. It wasn't a regular thing all the time, but I was very well aware of this higher being that was watching me and looking out for me in times where I wasn't looking out for myself. But to grow from that and have my own outlook on what God has been to me has changed my world for the better. It's been a lot of situations that I've been through that have made me question myself a lot, and sometimes even God. I remember many nights laying in bed asking God to help me do better. Help me be better. Help me not feel all the negativity that was brewing inside of me. Help me to let it go. Help me to realize that my life is important and I should be enjoying as much of it as I possibly can. God really saved me. And I dedicate myself to being a person that God can be proud of. A person that God can say is at least trying to do their part in helping people realize their potential and live their best lives and get closer to God on a more spiritual level. 

And sometimes, I help people to the point where I put myself in a bad position and I'm learning how to say no so I don't get caught up in stuff like that anymore. But at the end of the day, I do it because I want to help people do better and live better. It really hurts me to see others hurting so I try to do what I can to help them help themselves. And I'm proud of the accomplishments I've made in that arena as well. I have friends who know and trust that if nothing else, the advice I give them is all about helping them be better people to themselves. And it makes me feel good to know that people trust my advice whether they take it or not. Cause at the end of the day, I am a genuine person. If I fuck with you, I fuck with you. If I don't, its no beef, I just chose to be around people who I feel more comfortable being around. And I'm proud that I'm learning to be more selfish and look out for myself because I have a tendency to always be doing things in the grand scheme for others and not for myself. 

I really do think I like who I'm becoming. I'm still a work in progress. I still clam up sometimes and stress over telling people no, but I make myself do it when I know I need to. I still have some negative feelings toward love mainly because love hasn't worked out in my favor yet. Yet being the opportune word because again, I still believe that Love, true love will happen for me one day in some form and all the other shit I had to deal with to get there will be water under the bridge at that point. 

I guess I am in a good place mentally and emotionally, if nothing else. My mother recently came to me and told me that she felt like she had been slacking in the showing me love department and she was going to do better. That really touched my heart because I been feeling like she doesn't show me the same love that she does say my brother or nephew sometimes and it has been hurting my feelings. And I've been trying to express it for years but it always turns into a situation where I have to end up apologizing for how I felt. And this last altercation we had, I think she realized how she can make things about her all the time and my feelings get pushed to the side. And I still was the one to apologize to her because for me, at the end of the day, nothing is more important than maintaining a loving relationship with my mom. Even if I have to be the one to suck up all my feelings and let her be her. But for some reason, I feel things may start being different for us. I accomplished expressing myself to my mother, which has always been a hard thing for me to do because she is so sensitive and its almost always easier for me to just let it go than to try and convince her to care about how I feel she's treating me. But I have been trying to do with better with letting people know how I feel about things. And I'm proud of what I've accomplished so far. 

Especially with Marcel. I'm a completely different person with him and I'd bet money that he knows it. I'm no longer attached to him emotionally and lord knows that is a great accomplishment for me. lol. It's been a long time coming. And the fact that I can still be cool with him makes the accomplishment even more satisfying because that is what I wanted. I fought hard not to hate him and I can honestly say that I don't. I hate how things have turned out between us and its nobody's fault. Its life. I was 20 when I met him. I'll be 29 this year. Growing up has a way of putting things into perspective and at the end of the day, me being happy with the decisions I have made and will make in life became more important than the hopes, wishes and dreams I had for myself in the past. I'm getting back to living in the moment and learning to enjoy creating a life around the people and things I love and enjoy. 

Of course its some things that I still worry about and need to pray on. My car situation is one of them. And mainly because besides the monthly $410 car payment and $125 insurance payment, I still have to put gas in my car. I still have to clean it. I still have to keep it serviced. I need tires right now. I had to get brakes a few months ago. Its A LOT of financial responsibility and I'm already in over my head with money issues. The number of loans I have is crazy. And that is my fault. I overspent my credit cards trying to keep myself and others happy, but again that is my fault and lesson learned. And I've been praying for some additional income from somewhere. I want to get a part-time job, but it has to be one that is worth it and won't put too much more stress on me. Right now, I'm managing everything but the thought of having to keep up with this shit for the next 5 years is really bothering me. Mainly because I feel stuck in the life I'm living for the next 5 years at least. I pray my car is still in good shape by then cause I refuse to EVER get another car payment again. I knew I never wanted one, but at the same time, I need this financial responsibility practice for when I get older and want things that require to show that I can be trusted. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to be alone forever. More so because I feel like I've been alone for so long and it doesn't really bother me that much, and that kind of scares me. Its a feeling that I've grown so accustomed to that I don't know how to act like I want to be in a relationship. Because I've always wanted to be in a relationship. A good loving one, to be more specific. But apparently, I do not come across as the relationship wanting type. And I don't really know how to work on that. When I like someone, I show them. So to me, if the relationship is supposed to progress to something more serious than being friends or friends with benefits then it will. I don't like putting pressure on love. I can only hope that someone will take the time to get to know me and want our relationship to develop naturally and genuinely.

Life is great, and if its not feeling that way right now, it won't be long before it will again. I have to always remind myself of this. 

So...

I came here to kind of get some things off my chest about my life. Then I re-read some of my previous posts and realize that I keep falling intot the same trap with people and I always end up on the disappointed side.

My mom had her appendix removed recently and she's been being an evil bitch. Mainly because she thinks nobody is sympathetic to what she is going through so she feels like she is dealing with it alone. But shit, thats how I feel about life 99% of the time. I think she being dramatic and depressing because the people that she have to help her, she won't use them. She'd rather just complain about the people who not doing shit. And be miserable and take it out on everybody else. I aint got time for that shit.

I'm so sick of people, idk what to do with myself sometimes. I want beat motherfuckers up. I wanna slap people upside the head. I want them to get where I'm coming from FOR ONCE. Like with my mom, I'm not uncaring to what she is going through right now. But in the grand scheme, she's doing fine. She need to start getting up and stop being the lazy, evil bitch she is and start working on recovering. She probably mad right now cause she don't have her pain pills anymore, but she knew they weren't giving her another dose so she need to just get the fuck over it.

I'm just sick of having to deal with other people being "the way they are." But when I do anything that isn't considered nice, I get called so many names. And I think part of it is I feel bad about being not nice on my own so when people put their two cents in, it kinda pisses me off. Im a nice person 90% of the time. I think I'm allowed to have a couple bad days. And even when I am having a moment, I stay to myself because I know how I can sulk and just be in a bad mood. And when I'm over it, I'll resurface.

I feel like this is a test from God in some way. But I don't know how to talk to people who use feelings and emotions to their advantage. My mom and Marcel act the exact same. They both try to make me feel like I'm wrong all the time and it weighs on me because I love them and I'm the type of person that will apologize whether I felt like I was wrong or not. Just because I care more about my relationships with people than being right. But I'm tired of being the one who is apologetic. I'm tired of always having to be the peacemaker.

At this point in my life, if you choose to treat me like anything, then fuck you. And you can be my mama, ex boo, whomever. I just don't give a fuck anymore. And its not even really an option to talk to these people because they can't get outta their own feelings for one second to see that they are being complete assholes to people who genuinely care about them and want to see them doing good.

I love my mother to death but she petty, she got jealous tendencies, she dramatic, she will definitely lie when she feel like its necessary. She take everything personal. She treat  me like I've never done anything for her when I'm the only person who she can truly rely on to help her whenever.

I'm just not the type of person who know how to come back from people treating me poorly when I treat them very well. I can't help that people get mad when I treat them how they treat me. My mom has never made me a priority in her life. She was there for me when I had my surgery that time, but because I would have been there by myself if she wasn't. And still, she always think about that time as a moment that people should have been there for her and what she had to go through in dealing with me. When in actuality, I was fine. I was recovering but I was fine.

My attitude is just so different from my mom's and its hard for me to deal with her because she is very negative in her attitude right now and I just can't deal with it. It really makes me angry. She acting like a spoiled rich kid whose parents decide to send them to a third world country for the summer just to show them how good they really got it.

And everybody keep making excuses for her behavior. Oh it takes her a long time to recover. What that gotta do wit her being a bitch to people that are trying to make her feel better? If she wanna be a miserable evil bitch and cry and complain about an appendix surgery that went well and now she has to spend weeks recovering from, then thats on her. If she don't want to look on the bright side of things, then what the fuck can I do? She want somebody to sympathize with her but she being real depressing for no real reason. That makes it hard for me to sympathize cause its like you want to be sad. You want to be depressed. You want to sit around and think about people not doing this and not doing that. You want all the negative emotions you are feeling because if you wanted to be happy, thats what you would be trying to do. You would be trying to be nice to people. AT LEAST. You would be trying to get up and move around and do things. You would go sit outside during the day because it has been nice.

And again, its nothing I can do for someone who wants to be miserable. You can have all that shit. I currently got a lot of shit going in my life that makes me miserable enough, I don't need help. I don't want help.

Life is going to start looking up. I'm going to be re-reading these posts soon enough and think back on life like damn bitch you was really unhappy, I'm glad  you bossed up and made your life better for yourself. I'm glad you realized you can't save everybody and you're not responsible for people who want to be miserable just because that's what they are used to. I'm glad you're living your life and not letting people make you feel bad about it. I want to read posts on here that describe me having fun in life and not dealing with the fuck shit of others.

One day Lord. One day.

Ugggghhhhh

Some people really get on my nerves. I try to be nice and keep people on my good side but its like a never ending struggle to be that way. Why I always gotta bring out the me that don't give a fuck? People don't want me to be nice to them I'm starting to learn. Its the craziest thing in the world to me. Imma just really start ignoring people. Like really start making it very clear cause some people just annoy me to the point where I think about doing some real mean shit because its apparent they take my kindness for weakness. I don't understand.

I really need to hit the lottery for a couple million so I can just get the fuck and go enjoy my life. All these spirit draining, life complaining, my life more important than yours acting ass motherfuckers have really taken a toll on my spirit. I feel like I can't even be myself forreal. I can't even be nice. I gotta resort to the me that could care less about anybody else and all their life troubles that they swear my fault. Its so annoying.

And Im more annoyed now than ever because its like I continue to expect something different from people. Especially people who I've been nothing but nice to. And they never change. They never give a fuck. I'm the crazy one. Clearly. I keep thinking something gone be different. It never is and it only upsets me.

And I'm not even upset to the point where its bothering me emotionally forreal. I'm more mad that I believe over and over again that shit will change. This gift and a curse of having an optimistic spirit and mindset. Always looking at the bright side of things doesn't work because the reality of the situation is some people will NEVER give a fuck and some situations in conjunction with certain people will always leave me disappointed in myself for even believing them again.

And being honest rarely helps cause people rarely take the time to see your side of the story cause they too busy trying to defend theirs. I'm so sick of it. I know I stick with my story because one thing I try to do is be rational and honest with myself. Which leaves a lot of room in my stories for the truth and not my personal feelings. I could care less about being right in a situation, but you won't get away with trying to make me feel wrong when I know for a fucking fact that I am not. And even if I feel remotely wrong, I can admit it. I can apologize. And I can make up for what I did if there is a way that it can be made up to someone. I do the fucking work. No one else does and I'm sick of it.

This is one of those days where I just want to be around people who understand me. People who really know me. People who not always trying to manipulate me or take advantage of the fact that I am a REAL human being. I don't pretend to be hard. Or pretend to not be hurt. Or pretend that I'm happier being a ruthless selfish bitch who don't give a fuck about nobody but myself. Pretending that I don't need anybody. I'm just sick and tired lord. I need a permanent vacation from this bullshit. I can't take it. I need a new life lord. I don't wanna die though. lol.

I need some new scenery. I need some new air to breathe. I need some new interactions with people that are refreshing and make me feel like the universe is working in my favor cause right now, I'm just sick of everything. I can't pretend to be happy about shit anymore. I can't pretend that I'm cool with going with the flow. What do I have to do to get over this hump of life that is holding me back from where I know I can be? Its so frustrating and I feel so stressed and unattached from life. I don't feel like I'm living. I'm existing. I'm here for everybody's guilty pleasure. I'm here to pick up other peoples slack. I'm here to make other peoples problems my own. And when I try to get away from shit like that I get people wondering why I'm abandoning them. Why I'm ignoring them. Why I'm actually putting MY LIFE in the forefront of theirs.

Being a nice person has it perks but lord knows these are the down sides. People expect WAY TOO MUCH especially when I've gone above and beyond with little to no thank you or appreciation. If I could win the lottery, I'd be on first flight to a beach somewhere and probably would NEVER return.
Well i won't say never cause there are people whom I love who do look out for me and I dont' want to ever distance myself from them. So I'd come see them, but then I'd be right back to my private island where I don't have to worry about a got damn thing but myself.

I gotta keep reminding myself that as long as I am single with no kids the ONLY person i need to worry about is myself. Thats my only responsibility. Thats the only person who I need to be putting in an extra above and beyond effort to make happy and satisfied. I'm the only person who is going to ever really appreciate and reciprocate that effort anyway. Me and God. I guess God proud of me for one thing- I don't give up on people like I probably should. Until its very obvious and clear that me not giving up on them is hurting me more than it is hurting them.

Okay i'm tired of ranting. Just had to get that off my chest. I'll be okay once I just start doing what I need to do for me.

2015 still cool, i guess. lol

That great start kinda fizzling out but I'm still trying to remain on the sane side of life. lol.

I'm still working out and getting in better shape. I really gotta start going beast mode cause i'm maintaining but i want to lose a little more and tone up a lot. I've been doing research on how to do that so its just a matter of me getting off my lazy ass and making it happen. I worked out this morning and I always feel good about that.

My love life still shitty. I'm starting to believe that may never change. Its been bleek for too long. Ion know what lesson God tryna teach me in regards to my love life, but apparently I'm not getting it cause the fuck shit won't end. lol. I meet a lot of guys who pretend to be interested in me just to get some vagina. I probably assume most guys are like this but thats probably because I never feel like they genuinely want to get to know me. And that may be because I spend time with people I want to get to know and I guess I expect that out of others too. Its hard for me to believe you want to get to know me when all you ever really wanna do is fuck.

Awwww man, saying that gave me a glimpse into myself. Don't you hate those moments? Cause I do that shit too but I just don't get enough sex in my life so when I get the opportunity with somebody i like, idk how to act lol And I've recognized that within myself and I have been working on it. Don't know if I'm making any progress but I am working on it lol.

I think what I'm waiting for in my love life is for somebody to simply care about me. Like for somebody to take the time to think about me. And not think about me cause they dick hard, but to actually be like I wonder if Megan is having a good day. And if she not, I wonder what I could do to make her day better. I wonder if Megan wants to go have some fun with me tonight cause I know she be in the house bored as hell most of the time. I wonder if Megan wants some company cause I miss being around her. I wonder if Megan needs a mental break from life and would want to come spend the weekend with me. LIKE WHERE DEY AT DOE? WHO IS THINKING ABOUT ME BESIDES ME? lol.

And sometimes I think guys probably would be like that with me but they think all I care about is sex so they don't think about much else with me. I'm not gone fake and act like sex not important to me. I can't do it. I'm sorry. If Imma be with someone forever, sex gotta be on fleek. I want other things too but sexually I'm too much of a sexually expressive person to be repressed in a relationship cause I act like Ion care about sex. Cause i do lol

And I don't know how to come across in a better way. Somebody just gone have to love me for me. Some things I can accommodate to wade in the waters of the world but some shit, I got to keep cause its me. And being in a relationship that allows me to comfortably express my sexuality is something I need. And its not just sex. Its affection. When I'm really feeling somebody, I turn into a sex crazed maniac. I wanna lay up. I wanna do girly stuff. I wanna make him cupcakes and cookies and shit. I wanna try all the freaky shit that I think of with him. I'm very lovey dovey but in the beginning its going to come across as sex crazed maniac cause I don't get a lot of action where I can just lay up and fuck and feel complete. I can be that honest with  myself. If they can look over that part of me in the beginning and tell me no sometimes, and not assume i'm a nympho, we can make it. I know it lol.

That seems to be the hard part for me. Everybody scared they looking like hoes or wifing up hoes so people go through great lengths to come across as this person who just been sitting back waiting on God to send them the one. Cause enjoying a healthy sex life in the meantime is blasphemous. Everybody wanna be religious, but don't nobody wanna be religious. lol

I read somewhere how some King back in the day basically made up and adopted a new religion so that he could divorce his wife. Never mind just saying fuck what people think and being a leader of your own life and not letting anything dictate it. But basically finagle your way to what you want while keeping the image you presented to people who just gone find some new shit you doing wrong to focus on.

Soapbox. Sorry. Ummm, 2015 going good i guess. I just gotta figure out how imma get this money. What I gotta do besides play to win the lottery? is that it lord? lol

I'm off to a great 2015

Just a couple quick updates on my life. I've been doing more soul searching lately because I really feel like I'm at a point where I want to change things about myself for the better. I've been working out lately trying to get into shape so that I can really be in that two piece this summer. I been talking about that shit for years and have yet to make the necessary changes to do so until now. Since the beginning of the year, I've lost about 7-8 pounds by changing my eating habits and exercising. I'm very proud of myself and the progress I've been making and I cannot wait to see more results.

I've been being more selfish this year and looking out for myself and not overextending me for others. This year is all about me and I'm sorry to anyone who cannot understand that but me and the Lord know its WAY PAST DUE. But I guess its right on time in the same sense. I gotta do it for myself and I just hope and pray that the people who claim to love me will understand that I am trying to for once look out for myself entirely. I usually put myself on the back burner for others, but this year I have to work on me. Ever since my grandfather died, I really feel free to kind of start living my life again. I wanted to be there for him throughout everything and now I can see why I ended up back in Warrenton and I wouldn't change anything for the world. I got to be with my grandfather in his last days, and it felt good knowing that he could recognize and see how much I loved him and had his back. If no one else in the world understood me, it was him. And it was refreshing to finally hear somebody recognize me for the shit that I know I do in silence. My grandfather was my world for a long time and now I have the opportunity to go carve out my own life and its good to know he in heaven looking over me. Him, grandma and Chaise cause lord knows I need all the help I can get. And its funny cause they are probably some of the few people in this world who I know got me. And I miss them so much and I want to keep the party going for them and make a lot of money doing it.

Relationship wise, I'm still single. No real surprise since I do still reside in NC. I did meet this one guy recently that I really like. He's a lot younger than me but I fuck with him. I'm not exactly sure how he feels about me or what he thinks about me and idk if I'll ever even find out. He's cool though. Its weird because he is like everything I want in a man. He fine as motherfucker. I could just stare at him some days cause he so pleasing to look at lol. And his smile so sexy I just feel like sexing him all the damn time. He's funny as shit and playful and love that because I want a fun relationship. Not one where everything so serious or calculated or planned out. He dresses so nice, I fucking love it. Like literally everything I can imagine me wanting in a man is him. But again, he's young so who knows where his mind is at and that's understandable to me. If I can't have him God, can i just put in the word that as far as i know him to be, he's my type and I want one like him lol.

But forreal, being single hasn't been horrible. I'd rather be single than be in a meaningless, stressful relationship that does nothing for me. I haven't had any sex in 2015 either. Idk if this is a good thing or bad thing but I'm going with it for as long as I can stand it. I think about dick all the time, but I really only want sex when its late night and I'm in my room fingering myself and I feel stupid about it cause its so many dicks out here that I could be sitting on but I chose to be celibate for no real reason. I'm over me haha

All in all, 2015 is showing me how serious I am about some of my goals this year. But I guess so since I've had them for about 3-4 years now, if not more. I've always wanted to be able to wear and feel comfortable in a two piece swimsuit. I want to start going after more of my goals and dreams in life. I want to complete some of these processes. I want to share my passions with the world. I want to express myself. I want to be great. Ion want no mediocre. lol.

I wanna be ExtraORDINARY. Cause I'm really no different from anyone else, but I do want to go the extra mile and do what it takes to be able to live this life that I imagine. Traveling the world. Eating great food. Meeting even better people. Making connections. Living Life. Enjoying Life. No stress zone. Financial freedom.

And love that is reciprocated without me having to talk shit first. lol. Sad but true. I'm bout to go on a soapbox here but its like sometimes people only do stuff because they feel like if they don't, its going to have a negative effect. And for me, I don't make big deals out of shit so people just always feel like I don't really care. But to me, if you really fuck with me, I shouldn't have to. It should be understood that for my birthday, we should all come together and have a good time in celebration of me. Thats what I do for everybody else and their birthdays. Or at least try my best to. And I just never feel like I get it back in return. I will never forget my mama telling me she aint cook me nothing for my birthday because she had ate so much the day before. Thats the type of responses I get to shit. lol. But she went all out of her way to make sure she did something for my brother. Or even my cousin, who she told me she spent $100 on her baby shower at work. But I try not to let that shit bother me, but it does. And thats why this year, 2015, I chose to be a little more selfish in concern for myself.

My birthday last year wasn't bad but again, it wasn't necessarily what I would like to happen. I want a birthday where I can just show up and have a good time. Not one where I have to plan everything, invite everybody and then people halfway show up. Last year I cooked and did everything for my bday. My Aunt Lisa did come help me decorate and I appreciate that from her. But my own friends was late for my bday dinner. They came when it was over and I felt some type of way but it is what it is. I just plan things to be different this year. Hopefully people can take the time and money out of their lives to fuck with me for my birthday. That's all i really want from the people in my life this year. Just show me you fuck with me. Okay I'm done being semi-sad. lol

So Annoyed

Some people really just know exactly how to annoy the fuck out of me. When I'm done with a situation, nothing pisses me off more to have to continue to hear about the shit. Especially when I've been very vocal about shit and NOW you feel like you should have listened to me. NOW you feel wrong for what you did. NOW you realize that I wasn't being a nag but I was trying to help you out in concern for our relationship. 

Now you wanna admit that you know I was a good girl instead of tryna tell everybody how mean and crazy I am. Now you can see that you're over-reacting and being crazy about shit is what pushed me away. I tried despite ALL THE FUCK SHIT that went on between us because most of it was funny to me and I didn't take it seriously. 

I'm just so fucking sick of guys wanting to feel some kind of way about me after the fact. Why can't I find a man who want to appreciate a bitch like me? lol. 

I stay attracting men with these egos that definitely supercede themselves, and I think its because I like confidence in guys, but not false confidence. And maybe thats something i need to work on within myself. I need to work on being more confident so I can attract a man that can handle me. 

Because I think I give the impression that I'm this meek and mild woman that a guy can easily control and manipulate into whatever they want and a lot of times I do go along with shit but when I get to a point where going along with shit not working for me, then shit can get real. And most guys don't know how to handle that honest side of me. 

In a relationship, I don't mind doing the work but you not gone be pretending that you're doing what you're supposed to and expecting me to actually pull through for you. GOT ME FUCKED UP!

Cause one I'm not pretending to do shit, so if I'm not feeling like my efforts are being noticed then I'm out. I've put in too much time into relationships that were never going anywhere to waste another second on some bullshit. I can cipher through the bullshitters and wait for the right man for me. I've been single this long and I've even been enjoying myself so win/win for me either way. 

The lord gone bless me and I cannot wait. 

Expressing Feelings

Am I the only person who ends up feeling bad about expressing their feelings to people? Maybe because it always turns into an argument or bad situation. Its like people expect you to go along with shit just because you are in some form of relationship with them. Be it friends, a lover, family, co-worker, whatever. But the moment you open your mouth to express something a person is doing to bother you, you're being argumentative or mean or ruthless or whatever other negative action people wanna put on you for being honest about how you feel.

I used to be that person who just let people do and say whatever towards me and I just sucked it up and let it go. It was never bad stuff being said to my face, but me hearing about things being said about me behind my back or people treating me funny style. And I can always pick up on shit like that because I notice behavior of people. You don't ever have to express to me that you have a problem with me because I can normally tell by how you act towards me. And I used to be the type of person who would just distance myself from people who acted like they had a problem with me, especially if they never express it. But I have grown up a lot in the past couple of years and I appreciate relationships where we can talk about things and express how we really feel about each other- good and bad.

But I'm come to realize that not a lot of people are like that at all. They either do not know how to express their feelings properly, or they shy away from discussing their feelings all together. One thing about me is I can definitely put into words how I feel about someone or a situation. But sometimes it does come across as ruthless and insensitive to someone else's feelings. And I usually do feel bad about it afterwards but I know how important it is to be 100% honest about how I feel. If I think something is stupid, Imma say its stupid. If I think you're being an asshole, Imma say that.And maybe I need to work on keeping my mouth closed, but if you are repeatedly doing stuff, then its hard for me to do that.

I'm starting to really realize that people do not like hearing an honest opinion about themselves. I'm very conscious of my actions and I keep it real with myself. I do sometimes have a tendency to go off about shit when I feel offended or provoked and feel bad about it afterwards but I will apologize. It doesn't excuse my behavior but it shows that I acknowledge it and I want the person to know. I don't go off often. Its usually when I'm tired of ignoring some shit that a person continually does towards me that I do not like. And I oftentimes express that I don't like it way before I ever go off about it.

I guess I just feel like people don't respect or take me seriously. Its annoying and irritating. Even my own mama do it to me and I have to get loud and aggressive with her. That is not who I want to be. I enjoy being happy and in a positive frame of mind and not walking around mad at the world because I'm in my feelings about some shit. And I really try not to take what has happened to me in the past out on people in my present world. I think that is so unfair to others and I've had that happen to me and I never want to treat somebody a certain way just because of how others treated me.

I had to change to protect myself in a way but I'm still me. I'm still nice and sweet and willing to do just about anything for somebody else. I just chose to look out for myself and make sure its not inconveniencing me or that people are just trying to take advantage of me. And I usually wait for people to show me what their intentions are with me before I ever assume anything about them. I go off of how I am treated and I adjust accordingly. And if its too much for me to deal with, I will just peace out.

This time I think I will be upfront and honest about how I really feel despite feeling like the person is not going to receive what I have to say very well. But I do want it to be known why I am choosing to distance myself from someone who I feel brings a lot more stress into my life than happiness and peace. Its just hard sometimes when you do like a person and you can have good moments but it never lasts long enough to even enjoy it. I don't want to be in that type of relationship.

I want a relationship that lifts me up and makes me feel good about myself. A relationship that allows me to be the person I want to be. A relationship that has freedom and we both understand and get why. A relationship where we can communicate honestly. A relationship where we can respect each others feelings and trust that the other is not trying to control or get the upper hand in the relationship. A relationship where we understand that discussing our issues with each other is not about winning an argument but about trying to understand where the other person is coming from. A relationship where me and the person mesh well with each other. I can have a good time with just about anybody but I want a relationship that goes beyond that. A relationship where we both are willing to do the work to make it work. A relationship where the other person actually takes the time to get to know me. A relationship where I don't have to always explain myself. A relationship where my partner knows that I gonna always look out for them but I'm not going to babysit them. A relationship where my man acts like the grown man he swear he is. A relationship where we just connect and actually get each other. A relationship that only God can cultivate. A relationship that allows me to be myself.

I want to be sweet and lovey dovey and affectionate and all over my man. I want to be happy and want to enjoy spending time with him. I know everything not gonna always be unicorns and glitter but for the most part it should be. If I have to spend my days being mad and arguing because I know you don't want to talk about shit, then thats probably not the relationship for me. I would honestly rather be alone. It's been just me all this time and I don't have a problem going back to it. I will miss the company but I will get over it.

I just don't know what to do these days but I do know I need to make a decision for myself. And its leaning more towards me being single than being in a relationship that is not doing anything for me but getting on my damn nerves.

Vent Session: Love Relationships

One thing about me that I know is I cannot be with a controlling person. I have always known that about myself and I make sure to let people know that I cannot be tamed.

First of all, if I'm in a relationship then I really like the person. I must have a good time with them and can see us turning it into something for the future if I even consider them being my boyfriend. I'm not the perfect girlfriend. I don't sit back and allow you to do things that I do not like and make excuses for it. If I have a problem with something, I will express it. I will do it right then and there and I will make a mental note if you chose not to do anything about it. I can usually get over most things, as long as they do not continue to occur. When something continues to occur that I have a problem with and you just brush it off like its nothing, then that creates an even bigger problem to me. So the next time its brought up, I'll probably be more angry about it because I feel ignored.

One thing I hate about my current love relationship is that the person chooses to antagonize me and make me feel like a bad person. So when I go off about shit, he plays the innocent role and will switch a story up just so he can WIN the argument. When shit wasn't even really an argument to me until he started trying to WIN the argument. If I can't express how I feel without it feeling like we're arguing then I can't deal. I really can't.

And its always something so fucking simple. If somebody brings up a topic to you and you ask a question and they respond "Don't worry about it. You don't need to know that." And so when I question why they even told me in the first, and they reply I just thought it was ironic. WHY BRING IT UP TO ME IF YOU'RE NOT EVEN GONNA TELL ME ABOUT IT? WHY? WHY? WHY? Especially when you know I hate that shit. That's so irritating to me. And then when I start going off about it and you start trying to shape the story to fit your story and I call you out on that shit too and then you get mad and say I'm always tryna argue and start shit. NO BITCH, you always doing dumb shit that start shit.

I just really cannot stand when somebody try and tell me what I'm doing. I'm me so I'm very well aware of the shit I do and 99% of the time when somebody try and accuse me of doing shit, it be the furthest thing from my mind. Another argument that started was because I erased a text out of my phone that contained a phone number I needed to call my boo, and couldn't call because I didn't have the number. The first thing I said to him was give me the number because I erased it out of my phone without thinking about it. And then I mentioned how if he got a phone like he said then we wouldn't have to jump through so many hoops just to talk to each other. And he took offense to that and said I tried to blame him for not being able to call him. I told you why I couldn't call. Its nobody fault because its not even that deep to even blame somebody. It wasn't a problem. I solved the problem by asking for the number but still didn't get it.

I'm just over dealing with dumb ass shit. I'm not an argumentative person but you not gone put no dumb shit on me just because of what you chose to think. Shit can get real and I think when I get like that people don't know how to take it because it does seem to come out of nowhere, but it rarely ever does. I just be so annoyed by the fact that if I'm telling you I don't like something and you continue to do it, then just leave me the fuck alone. Simple. I'm not about to keep reminding you about some shit I don't like. Imma just stop fucking with you because explaining myself to somebody who thinks I'm tryna control them will never end well.

I'm controlling when it comes to myself but people are allowed to make their own decisions and if I'm telling you that bringing shit up to me and then not answering me when I ask questions about it pisses me off and you continue to do it, why wouldn't I be mad about it? And why would you have a problem with me telling you about it?

And people always look at me like I act like I do no wrong but the difference with me is when I feel like I'm wrong, I will admit it. Or if I feel like something I did made you feel some type of way, I will apologize and try to fix it whether I thought I was wrong or not. But for somebody who always gotta be right or WIN in some way, I can't deal with. I hate that shit.

And people love making me look like the bad person but it always backfires in their face because I don't treat people badly. I don't even be thinking about shit like that at all. Most times I just be in my own world thinking about nothing forreal.

I'm just really at a point in my life where I can't stand a bunch of shit and it irritates my soul. I can't be with somebody who stay in everybody else business more than they in their own. Or somebody who swear they don't be doing shit and be doing some crazy ass shit. Or somebody who try their best to control me but its gonna backfire in their face EVERY SINGLE TIME. Play dumb with the people who you can get over on, I am not the one. I'm just over it.  And the bad part is I always feel bad after expressing myself. I always feel like I was wrong for getting upset. I always feel like I should have just let it go again but I be tired of letting shit go. If people would stop doing the fuck shit they do towards me it wouldn't be a problem.

I'm very go with the flow. Very chill and cool about shit. And a lot of shit I keep to myself instead of making a big deal out of it because I know how I can be nit-picky and I like things a certain way and I try to let people live. But you not about to inconvenience me so you can get your way. And then put it on me when I speak up about it and you say I'm always tryna get my way. If I don't speak up about it, what I want will never matter to somebody who only give a fuck about themselves.

I can't stress to guys enough, IF YOU WANT A GIRL WHO WILL DO WHATEVER YOU SAY, I AM NOT THE ONE. If you want to be in a relationship with somebody who you can beat in arguments and just gone shut up and bow down to what you say, I AM NOT THE ONE. If I'm so bad, just LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!

I know how to handle shit in a good way, but if you get argumentative with me, then why would I not get that way back. I guess the lesson in this is to learn how not to let people upset me so much. I'll just let them think what they want and move on. That is all I can do. I'm not gonna continue explaining myself to someone who doesn't listen to my explanation anyway. All they are waiting for is their moment to respond and explain. They don't want to understand. And that is fine.