(sigh)

Thats actually a good sigh. Like a breath of fresh air. For the past couple of months I have been what I call "Rolling Stoning." Just pretty much doing what the fuck I want to do. I had to get a way and clear my mind and refocus and recenter. Im getting there. Learning something different about myself everyday. I always joke with my mother about turning into the "into the wild" guy, but I would seriously consider doing something like that. But not to that extreme.

These past couple of months have made me realize even more that I DO NOT want to work for anybody else. If I am going to be slaving, day in and day out, living paycheck to paycheck, and barely making it, I want all that hard work to be put into establishing something of my own. I say something because I haven't gotten that far in my transformation. Baby steps, baby steps.

Its funny because Im actually beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Like the lightbulb finally came on. And I realized that everything I was doing beforehand was me just doing something so that people would not be bothering me about "what Im doing with my life." But now I don't care. Like really. I didn't care before but Im respectful, and I was trying to please other people because I used to think that sometimes its just better to go ahead and do what somebody asks of you instead of not doing it and have to hear about it FOREVER.

But fuck all that. I am only responsible for pleasing one person in life, and thats me. I didn't say God because he knows our relationship, and pleasing myself is akin to pleasing him. I know that in life I just want to be happy. If I can wake up every morning and not have to force a smile on my face then Im happy. Nothing in this world is permanent. Whats here today, may be gone tomorrow. So I enjoy life's moments and make the best of every situation thats placed before me.

Nothing is going the way I want it to in my life. Ive been looking for a job for the past 3 months with no luck. Ive had a couple of bullshit jobs but they were not something that I wanted to do, so I didn't do it. Simple as that. And I have a job offer back home waiting for me but I honestly dont want to take it because Im just going to be going back and doing exactly what I was doing when I left. And I left home mainly because I was tired of the same old shit and I didn't want to get stuck. And if I go back I feel like I am going to be stuck.

I found out the other day that the only guy that I actually like, may have a girlfriend. MAYBE. Too much facebooking put me in a bad position because now I don't know what to do with him. I can't ask him about it because he doesnt know that I know. Because of course he didn't tell me he had a girlfriend, but I know for a fact that Ive been talking to him longer than her. But he made her the girlfriend, not me. But if he still talks to me while he alledgely has a girlfriend, then do I really even wanna be the girlfriend? And then I don't know if I wanna keep talking to him because I do like him but I don't want to put myself in a position where I might get hurt. Its complicated. And long and drawn out. And I don't even like talking to guys who have girlfriends because I believe in karma and I want to have a good boyfriend some day.

I don't have my car anymore. I really don't have anything. The only thing that I can say that I own is my cellphone. Its pretty much all I have to show for myself, as far as material things go. And its crazy because I don't care. I knew that I had to fall off, so that I could build myself back up. And thats the process that Im in right now, building myself back up. But this time being smarter about the decisions I make. Because in the past Ive made decisions based off how I was feeling at the moment. And at that moment, I didn't a fuck about school, when everything in my life was built on my being in school. But I didn't care and therefore I didn't achieve to the best of my ability and Im paying for it now. Which is fine, because at least I can say that I did what I wanted to do. CARTE BLANCHE.

At the end of the day, I want to be able to say I lived my life how I wanted to. Thats all I want.