Ugggghhhhh

Some people really get on my nerves. I try to be nice and keep people on my good side but its like a never ending struggle to be that way. Why I always gotta bring out the me that don't give a fuck? People don't want me to be nice to them I'm starting to learn. Its the craziest thing in the world to me. Imma just really start ignoring people. Like really start making it very clear cause some people just annoy me to the point where I think about doing some real mean shit because its apparent they take my kindness for weakness. I don't understand.

I really need to hit the lottery for a couple million so I can just get the fuck and go enjoy my life. All these spirit draining, life complaining, my life more important than yours acting ass motherfuckers have really taken a toll on my spirit. I feel like I can't even be myself forreal. I can't even be nice. I gotta resort to the me that could care less about anybody else and all their life troubles that they swear my fault. Its so annoying.

And Im more annoyed now than ever because its like I continue to expect something different from people. Especially people who I've been nothing but nice to. And they never change. They never give a fuck. I'm the crazy one. Clearly. I keep thinking something gone be different. It never is and it only upsets me.

And I'm not even upset to the point where its bothering me emotionally forreal. I'm more mad that I believe over and over again that shit will change. This gift and a curse of having an optimistic spirit and mindset. Always looking at the bright side of things doesn't work because the reality of the situation is some people will NEVER give a fuck and some situations in conjunction with certain people will always leave me disappointed in myself for even believing them again.

And being honest rarely helps cause people rarely take the time to see your side of the story cause they too busy trying to defend theirs. I'm so sick of it. I know I stick with my story because one thing I try to do is be rational and honest with myself. Which leaves a lot of room in my stories for the truth and not my personal feelings. I could care less about being right in a situation, but you won't get away with trying to make me feel wrong when I know for a fucking fact that I am not. And even if I feel remotely wrong, I can admit it. I can apologize. And I can make up for what I did if there is a way that it can be made up to someone. I do the fucking work. No one else does and I'm sick of it.

This is one of those days where I just want to be around people who understand me. People who really know me. People who not always trying to manipulate me or take advantage of the fact that I am a REAL human being. I don't pretend to be hard. Or pretend to not be hurt. Or pretend that I'm happier being a ruthless selfish bitch who don't give a fuck about nobody but myself. Pretending that I don't need anybody. I'm just sick and tired lord. I need a permanent vacation from this bullshit. I can't take it. I need a new life lord. I don't wanna die though. lol.

I need some new scenery. I need some new air to breathe. I need some new interactions with people that are refreshing and make me feel like the universe is working in my favor cause right now, I'm just sick of everything. I can't pretend to be happy about shit anymore. I can't pretend that I'm cool with going with the flow. What do I have to do to get over this hump of life that is holding me back from where I know I can be? Its so frustrating and I feel so stressed and unattached from life. I don't feel like I'm living. I'm existing. I'm here for everybody's guilty pleasure. I'm here to pick up other peoples slack. I'm here to make other peoples problems my own. And when I try to get away from shit like that I get people wondering why I'm abandoning them. Why I'm ignoring them. Why I'm actually putting MY LIFE in the forefront of theirs.

Being a nice person has it perks but lord knows these are the down sides. People expect WAY TOO MUCH especially when I've gone above and beyond with little to no thank you or appreciation. If I could win the lottery, I'd be on first flight to a beach somewhere and probably would NEVER return.
Well i won't say never cause there are people whom I love who do look out for me and I dont' want to ever distance myself from them. So I'd come see them, but then I'd be right back to my private island where I don't have to worry about a got damn thing but myself.

I gotta keep reminding myself that as long as I am single with no kids the ONLY person i need to worry about is myself. Thats my only responsibility. Thats the only person who I need to be putting in an extra above and beyond effort to make happy and satisfied. I'm the only person who is going to ever really appreciate and reciprocate that effort anyway. Me and God. I guess God proud of me for one thing- I don't give up on people like I probably should. Until its very obvious and clear that me not giving up on them is hurting me more than it is hurting them.

Okay i'm tired of ranting. Just had to get that off my chest. I'll be okay once I just start doing what I need to do for me.

2015 still cool, i guess. lol

That great start kinda fizzling out but I'm still trying to remain on the sane side of life. lol.

I'm still working out and getting in better shape. I really gotta start going beast mode cause i'm maintaining but i want to lose a little more and tone up a lot. I've been doing research on how to do that so its just a matter of me getting off my lazy ass and making it happen. I worked out this morning and I always feel good about that.

My love life still shitty. I'm starting to believe that may never change. Its been bleek for too long. Ion know what lesson God tryna teach me in regards to my love life, but apparently I'm not getting it cause the fuck shit won't end. lol. I meet a lot of guys who pretend to be interested in me just to get some vagina. I probably assume most guys are like this but thats probably because I never feel like they genuinely want to get to know me. And that may be because I spend time with people I want to get to know and I guess I expect that out of others too. Its hard for me to believe you want to get to know me when all you ever really wanna do is fuck.

Awwww man, saying that gave me a glimpse into myself. Don't you hate those moments? Cause I do that shit too but I just don't get enough sex in my life so when I get the opportunity with somebody i like, idk how to act lol And I've recognized that within myself and I have been working on it. Don't know if I'm making any progress but I am working on it lol.

I think what I'm waiting for in my love life is for somebody to simply care about me. Like for somebody to take the time to think about me. And not think about me cause they dick hard, but to actually be like I wonder if Megan is having a good day. And if she not, I wonder what I could do to make her day better. I wonder if Megan wants to go have some fun with me tonight cause I know she be in the house bored as hell most of the time. I wonder if Megan wants some company cause I miss being around her. I wonder if Megan needs a mental break from life and would want to come spend the weekend with me. LIKE WHERE DEY AT DOE? WHO IS THINKING ABOUT ME BESIDES ME? lol.

And sometimes I think guys probably would be like that with me but they think all I care about is sex so they don't think about much else with me. I'm not gone fake and act like sex not important to me. I can't do it. I'm sorry. If Imma be with someone forever, sex gotta be on fleek. I want other things too but sexually I'm too much of a sexually expressive person to be repressed in a relationship cause I act like Ion care about sex. Cause i do lol

And I don't know how to come across in a better way. Somebody just gone have to love me for me. Some things I can accommodate to wade in the waters of the world but some shit, I got to keep cause its me. And being in a relationship that allows me to comfortably express my sexuality is something I need. And its not just sex. Its affection. When I'm really feeling somebody, I turn into a sex crazed maniac. I wanna lay up. I wanna do girly stuff. I wanna make him cupcakes and cookies and shit. I wanna try all the freaky shit that I think of with him. I'm very lovey dovey but in the beginning its going to come across as sex crazed maniac cause I don't get a lot of action where I can just lay up and fuck and feel complete. I can be that honest with  myself. If they can look over that part of me in the beginning and tell me no sometimes, and not assume i'm a nympho, we can make it. I know it lol.

That seems to be the hard part for me. Everybody scared they looking like hoes or wifing up hoes so people go through great lengths to come across as this person who just been sitting back waiting on God to send them the one. Cause enjoying a healthy sex life in the meantime is blasphemous. Everybody wanna be religious, but don't nobody wanna be religious. lol

I read somewhere how some King back in the day basically made up and adopted a new religion so that he could divorce his wife. Never mind just saying fuck what people think and being a leader of your own life and not letting anything dictate it. But basically finagle your way to what you want while keeping the image you presented to people who just gone find some new shit you doing wrong to focus on.

Soapbox. Sorry. Ummm, 2015 going good i guess. I just gotta figure out how imma get this money. What I gotta do besides play to win the lottery? is that it lord? lol