Feelings

I've been in my feelings about a lot of stuff lately. Mainly my love life, which concerns more than just romantic relationships for me. Friendships are becoming a big issue in my life. As far as my family goes everything is good as far as I know. We get along again and that is a great accomplishment because for a long time, everybody was getting on my nerves. Probably for my own reasons but i'm over it now.

But when it comes to friends, I can say that I have one person that fits what I think a friend should be. I've always been cool with a lot of different people. I understand that as I grow older and start to explore different things that I will make new friends and associates. But I also respect and love all my "old" friends the same, even if we seem to be on different pages in life. Its mind boggling to me how I can be so cool with someone and in an instant they can become a stranger. For me, I don't have too many requirements when it comes to friends. I like people whose company I enjoy and that was all I cared about for a long time. Just recently, I've had to add trustworthiness as a quality because clearly I was delusional about who I could trust. But what really has me in my feelings about this friend shit is the people that I fucked with the most were the ones who were so quick to say fuck me when a situation came up to do so. Its like they were waiting for me to do something that they could say that I did towards them so they could try and make me look like the bad person. I don't really understand especially when I know I tried to be a friend despite the fuck shit going on around me that I couldn't necessarily pinpoint at the time, but I could feel that it was going on. And I was right about it, but I still feel like I was wrong for some reason. Idk. I think everybody could have handled the situation better. I think we all could have communicated in a more direct manner. My issue was that when I tried to be real about how I felt, everybody just labeled me as crazy, but when shit turned out like I knew it would, everybody still blamed me. Its my fault that such and such happened.

But you gotta be whack as a motherfucker to do some shit just because somebody thinks you're doing it and you chose to prove them right. I always get the side eye when it comes to my "friends" niggas. I put friends in quotations because if they were really my friends they would know that I would never cross that line. But whether they said it or not, I know my friends would feel some type of way about me being cool with their dudes. I'm the friend that won't say a word to my friends nigga cause I don't even wanna start the confusion and crazy thinking. I avoid that shit like the plague. I don't even really like chillin with my friends when they are around their guys. I give couples their space. Its just a common courtesy to me. Thats one issue that I've had to deal with concerning my friends recently.

Ive also had to deal with my friend having sex with a guy she know I was talking to. I blame her and the guy because I felt like they had some kind of feelings or whatever between them, and I gave them both opportunities to say something about it. Neither did. It would have been as simple as that to me. I would have felt some type of way about them wanting to be together after the fact but I would have gotten over it eventually for the sake of my friendship. I do want to see my friends happy and if she saw her happiness in a dude I was fucking with that I know I didn't really want forreal, she could have him. I can be grown about shit regardless of how hard it may seem to do on the outside. I would have needed some time but I could have gotten over it. What pisses me off about it is instead of my friend being real with me about how she felt, she tried to hide it. She was being sneaky. She was on some other shit. She wasn't being the friend that she was claiming to be on the outside looking in. You wanna cry to me about how hurt you was that I had suspicions about you, but you go and do exactly what I knew you would. It was like she wanted me to give her ANY reason to fuck this nigga, and I never did, so she created on in her head. She made it okay for her in her mind because apparently I was kicking her to the curb for this guy anyway.

I will admit that I was distancing myself from her, but that shit had nothing to do with him. It had everything to do with her and her attitude towards me that I could pick up on whether she expressed it or not. I could tell from her actions. From her trying to hide how she really felt. It came out whether she realized it or not. And I played dumb for a long time because I was just waiting to see what she was gonna do. How she was gonna play shit, and she definitely chose that nigga over our friendship AND THEN tried to put it on me. AFTER THE FACT  THO. Like you can't be mad at me for not wanting to fuck with you after you been backdooring me and being wild disrespectful about it. And just because you thought I didn't know you still continued to TRY and be friends with me. I don't need friends that bad. I will be alone before I be around people I KNOW I can't trust. Like if you was such an upstanding person you would have did whatever to not make it seem like what I thought instead of trying to hide it and be sneaky about it. And lie to me for niggas that came right back around and told me some truths, cause I know he didn't tell the whole story. But it was enough to let me know that my friend didn't give a fuck about me like I gave a fuck about her.

Competition in friendships means its no friendship to me. We rivals. We enemies without being at each other throats about it but if you always tryna think of ways you can one up me, or get at me in some way on some funny shit, i don't need you around. Period. What I look like competing for attention with my friends? In fact, they can have all the attention cause I don't even like it. I'm always about doing what I came for and leaving, I don't like wasting time on extra shit. Hold up let me add on to a previous statement, what I  look like competing for attention with my friends with a nigga that they could have had in the first place?

Shit was all good when I was the one who didn't have any male prospects on my team. When I was the one sitting at home doing nothing because I didn't have niggas taking me out places and doing stuff with me. It wasn't a problem then. Nobody wanted the nigga until I started fucking with him then its like everybody feelings came out of nowhere. When the nigga was tryna fuck with yall where was your mind at then? Not on him, but the second I start fucking with the nigga its a problem. Im saying fuck my friends for the nigga. I'm the bad friend because now I chose to spend my time and money with a man instead of my friends. Now that I had developed some type of life outside of my friends, all hell broke loose. And the crazy part about it is I considered EVERYONE in the situation. EVERYONE. I thought about one friend who I knew would probably feel some type of way about me talking to the dude because she used to, and it was a couple times that I went to visit her just to tell her about me and him. I will admit I was scared of what she would say about it, and how it would affect our friendship. I knew I needed to tell her but eventually shit got to point with me and him where it wasn't even shit to tell because of all the drama that was goin on. I'll take that situation on the job and admit that I should have said something because I should have. As a friend. But I didnt try to hide it. I didn't try to be sneaky about it. I didn't lie about anything because I was never asked about anything. But I did leave the truth out but I always said I would deal with it when it came up and right now I feel like it has come up in a sense. And whereas I don't expect anything to change, I would like to talk to this friend about everything because I just want to clear it up and let her know that I was wrong, I should have said something, and I'm sorry. I didn't apologize to her like I did my other friend and I do owe her that much. For my sake. Whatever she wants to do with my apology, is up to her. I just need to get it off my chest because I do feel bad about it.

Now when it comes to the other friend, I don't know how I feel about it. I still have mixed feelings about everything only because I haven't heard her side of the story but I don't know if I can handle it. Idk if I'm ready to sit down and hear a bunch of excuses because I know thats what it will be. And I know that I could never let her back into my life until we had a conversation about everything. I just want to be at peace with the situation and right now I'm not. I feel like I did something that caused her to act that way but I don't know what. I feel like its a lot deeper issues than her fucking him because they wanted to. I can't really pinpoint what could have created this situation because on my end, I tried. I really put forth the effort to be a good friend. Even when I knew it was fuck shit going on behind the scenes. I still went through the friend motions even though I knew won't a lot of friendly shit going on between us. My friendship with this girl meant more to me than a nigga and she can ask anybody I talked to about it. That was the one thing I kept saying that I didn't like that dude enough to say fuck our friendship over him. But apparently she did. It was something. He even admitted to me that he felt like she was mad at me because I had somebody that I could talk to and chill with and spend time with. I just really can't understand and I think thats what bothers me most. I feel like I almost need to talk to her just so I can hear where she was coming from and then go from there. I mean as far as us being friends like we were thats dead. But we do have mutual friends and I would like for shit to be cordial at the very least. I don't have to fuck wit her anymore, but I just know Imma have to see her one day and I don't hate her at all. I hate the decision that she made and how it has affected our friendship and I just don't know how to come back from that. Especially when we've had a falling out before because of some of the same issues and I'm not a fool. And we never really talked about shit then, I just let it go eventually over time and we became cool again. I'm wondering if thats what she thinks is gonna happen because this shit is on a whole different level than before. This shit is a trust issue. Its a respect issue. Its a honesty issue. I don't feel like she was ever really my friend, especially since people have told me that they thought she was on some other shit when it came to me back in the day. I feel like it has been going on and me being me, I just been ignoring it. But now I've been on this whole you gone treat me right type shit or imma peace out on that ass, and believing the bullshit even when I know its lies days are over with.

I really think what happened was is her normal tactics that she would use towards me wasn't working. I stopped caring. I stopped going out of my way for her. I started being the friend to her that she been to me all this time and she wasn't happy about it. But it was long overdue. She always talking about her situation this and that, but she knows that I hate being used and taken advantage of and I hate needy ass people but that didn't stop her from always wanting to use our friendship as a motive to get me to do shit for her. And thats basically what it was. Like I said, my only requirement for friendship is me enjoying their company. I can pretty much deal with other shit, as long as the negativity isn't too bad. But her negativity had gotten to be too much for me.

I be tryna be a grown up, and most situations I never been down for, so now that I'm older its definitely out of the question for me. I don't care how small of a town we are from, its not cool to be sharing niggas with your friends. Shit like that does not exist in my world and I will do whatever to avoid it. I will pass a nigga on to my friend that I know I liked but just to avoid tension she can have him cause at the end of the day, the man decides who he wants and if he wants to try both of us, he won't the nigga for me anyway. The nigga thats for me gone be like Nope I want her, and I wouldn't fuck with any of her friends to jeopardize what we could have. He wouldn't even cross the line with any of my friends because he knows about respect and he won't let his dick make decisions for him. But sharing niggas, naw I'm not down for. And that was the main issue to me. I felt like she was cool with it. Like she didn't care about me fucking around with him as long as it didn't interfere with what she wanted him to do for her. And when it started to interfere it was like she felt like I was taking something from her and she had to fight back. But thats mindboggling to me because I went above and beyond and kept cool about them texting and talking to each other even when I felt like as a friend she should have drew the line herself but she didn't. And a lot of times I would talk to him about drawing the line between them two but he never did it either. I don't wanna say I let them be cool, but I let them live when it came to their friendship. What bitch do you know would have sat back and been cool about that shit and give them the benefit of the doubt about it even when YOU KNOW its a bunch of bullshit anyway?

I'm way too fucking nice and I know it. But I chose to be nice in a lot of situations because I just can't force myself to be mean on purpose, even when I feel like people deserve  the mean side of me. I'm not a punk or a bitch but I will avoid unnecessary conflict. I can walk away from some shit but this situation seems to need some type of conflict since me being peaceful doesn't make me feel better about it. I won't get any satisfaction from walking away this time because I have some things I want to express and get off my chest. A much needed conversation has to be had on both ends because I feel like this is something that would eat away at me for life. And I will feel better with myself knowing I tried to understand and that I tried to settle it and talk about it and get things back to a point where at least the tension is gone. I'm tryna be a grown up about it but I can't force anyone to be a grown up with me. And thats the bottom line of the situation. Everybody wanna act like they so grown and so responsible and so real, but when it comes down to being those things forreal, everybody flake out. That shit is not easy. I struggle with tryna be a grown up because I'd rather have things taken care of for me too but I can't live like this forever. I'm 26. And I could live on my own but right now I have a situation where I live with other people and help out as they need me to. I have my freedom, and space, but having a space of your own is always the best. At least to me. I'm tryna take life one day at a time and do the right thing by myself and people. And I need to get myself together because these extra thoughts are distracting me right now and I do not need distractions. I have to handle this, both situations, well its actually three, but I pray that God gives me the strength and courage to be honest and to be real and to keep calm when I know I will probably want to lash out and be defensive. being defensive is not gonna solve anything. God please allow me to be open to criticism about myself and allow me to express my feelings about others to them in a manner that will come across well. Amen.