That Moment

When you realize all your hard work has amounted to NOTHING. And all thats left for you to do is walk away and begin anew. I feel sad, angry, frustrated, mad, hurt, just super super emotional in a not so good way. Its not necessarily bad because I need something to click in my head, and I think this was really it for me. And I think what is really becoming a moral crisis to me is that fact that I have been trying to care for years despite how much I wanted to say Fuck it, because I was really in love. To me thats the definition of Love. I don't give a fuck about much but I always try when it comes to love. I just rarely succeed lol.

Its almost like the more I love people, the more they push me away. And the more I don't care, the more they want me around. I don't operate like that. If I love you, I want more. If I don't, then I want less. I may very well be the crazy one, but thats how I work. And I don't really understand anything else. I've been trying to get it. But forreal one of the craziest things in the world to me is people who chose to stay and stick around people who are bad for them. Like the situation with me and my friend fits that category. I think she appreciated the shit I did for her and the fact that I tried to be a good person, but at the same time, hated me for it because it only magnified how fucked up she really was. So therefore in her mind, I was purposely trying to make her feel bad or look bad. When that was so not the case. I never try to make anyone feel anything. I prayed away negativity and her ass was the first to go lol. It is what it is.

But back to the point I was trying to make. I just can't seem to get any magic going in my love life. I've been cursed lol. Venus in Virgo says it all. pray for me lol. Thats my only hope forreal. I'm too calculating with love but that shit is such a risk and in my past experience, I'd be better off being a bachelorette for the rest of my life. I always get guys who wanna be in love with me from day one, or they wanna fight being in love with me. They not used to somebody like me so they assume the worst. Story of my love life. I've even been in situations where a guy swear he love me and wanna talk to me but he has a girlfriend, then as soon as they break up, he went and got another girlfriend and said fuck me. And of course, that new girlfriend said fuck him, and then he tried to come back to me and I had to walk away. I have stories like these for days, months, years lol. I must have broke a lot of hearts in my past life cause Lord knows I just don't deserve this treatment. lol. I'm laughing but I'm so serious.

Am I doomed to life of fucking around with niggas forever? I so wanna settle down, you wouldn't know it from how I act, but I only party and shit like I do because what else should I be doing? I don't have any kids. I don't have any huge financial responsibilities. I don't have a man. I have one friend that I actually hang out with and she's in another state. I work from time to time on coming up with a great business idea and model and I reward myself with fun. I be on it and that probably sounds like the life to somebody with more serious and rigid responsibilities but the set up of my current life is all circumstance. I'd rather be with my boo, building a life together, creating a home and family, arguing about dumb shit like whose turn it is to take out the trash, and what to eat for dinner but I don't know any men who want to do that with me. And that makes me sad. All guys that I've ever tried to fuck with on a serious level always make me feel like they decided to fuck with me because they probably should. Its like idk what it is about her, but I should probably keep this bitch on my team. And thats it. Im always just a team member. Never a starter, never a franchise player. I'm the secret weapon niggas pull out when their team fucking suck and they need an extra boost to get them through to the next level. I'm clutch. I make shit happen. I'll turn some shit around and get us through the fire. But as soon as we reach the other side, I be the only one there. Maybe I expect too much. But I would never abandon a person that has always been there for me. Especially if they've always treated me good and made me feel loved. I make a conscious effort to do that for people, not for myself, but for them.

And I guess I'm getting to the root of my problem. I never feel treated good or loved. Just this morning me and my mom had a "moment" because I was trying to meditate this morning and she walked in a ruined my vibe by cutting on a light after I said, don't come up in here turning on lights. And then when I get up to turn the light off, she looking at me like Really, you want me to keep the light off. Do I have a tendency to say shit and not be serious about it? I must do because no one takes me seriously. I have to go off and talk shit and channel my natural inner asshole before people take heed to what I say. And then they just label me crazy afterwards. And I'm like I don't be wanting to act like this, but people don't get that just because I try to be nice and understanding doesn't mean that I am. I'm really a bitch. I really don't care. I'm out here tryna provide a service to the world by being nice because most people don't. Most people don't give a fuck. Most people feel like their problems are so much bigger than everyone elses. Most people think its okay to go off on somebody just because of how they feel. Most people are cool with being a bitch because it just means they know what they want and are willing to do whatever to get it. I'm not. I don't want to take advantage of a person's fear or weakness to force them to do what I want them to do. thats the way of the world, but that shit is so wrong to me. If anything we should be trying to help people get over their fears and work through their weaknesses, and that way you can feel good knowing the person decided to be with you because they wanted to, not because you played the game so well.

I can never get accustomed to treating love like its a game. Because to me, its not something you should play with at all. It should always be about expressing honest feelings and creating real moments. You know real love is some good shit cause people will pretend and play roles forever just to appear like they got it. You gotta draw a line to that fake it til you make it shit. Some shit you can get away with, but love is not one of them. You know when that shit is real. You don't even have to have any prior experience with Love to know when its real. I even think you can have a fucked up view of love and still know that its fake and shouldn't be like that. Because even if you never loved another person, you probably have loved something in life. You may love to play video games, or sports. Or you might love talking shit. Or you might love how it feels after you leave a concert. And all those good feelings you get from doing things you love, you will NEVER forget. So for people to tell me they don't care about love, or believe in love, or trust love or whatever, I don't understand because we all love something and we know how good that something makes us feel. And thats just as much a real love as falling in love with a person.

I'll even go a step further and talk about my love of money. When I have money, I'm the happiest person alive. When I don't, shit sucks. I'm not necessarily unhappy when I'm broke and poor, but I know I can be much happier with money. lol. But at the same time, money is not the end all, be all to my happiness. If I never made another dime, I could still be happy because there are people and things to do in my life that mean more to me than money ever will. Money just affords me the opportunity to spend time with people I love and do things that I love. Thats all it is for me. Its a tool. Just like instagram is a tool that allows me to keep a record of all my good times. Or how Google is a tool that keeps answers to my questions at my fingertips. Or my cellphone is a tool to helping me keep in contact with people. Money is the link to me being able to do things I want with people I love. And whereas that link is very vital to myself and my happiness, I still could never let it control me. I could never be happy in a situation where I have access to an unlimited source of money but I had no one to really share it with. I could always look out for strangers or do charitable things of that sort, but it would mean more to me to help out someone that I knew personally. I guess I could get to know someone personally and achieve the same result. I guess. In fact, now that I think about it, people who don't know me, are more appreciative of my help and support. And a lot of times, I'm not overly helpful to people who know me because they'll just sit back and want me to do everything.

I think I just have a problem with the people who know me. I get no respect from them. They'd rather fear me and all I want is to be loved and respected. People treat me like a dictator when I'm really more like Project Manager. I guess I could come across like i'm barking out orders and my way is the best way, BUT I would never recommend somebody do something that would harm or hurt them or set them back in any way. I'm always looking out for everybody else best interest. I don't normally reflect on my life in association with someone else's so I can give advice that will better someone instead of keeping them where they are. I'm always looking out for people or doing that something extra, requested or not, and I just never really feel like I have that here on earth. Caretakers and givers of the world need love too. Through God I've found a couple people throughout life who I can honestly and truly from the bottom of my heart say that I know love me and as long as I am me, they will. My mother and brother and his fam is one group of people. My new friend Danielle. My cousins. My aunts and uncles. My old supervisor Nora. My old friends Quita and Sharnece and Courtney. I've generalized some of these groups and some of the people are a lil sketchy, but i do believe that at the end of the day, they want me to do well for myself. Whether they are helpful or supportive about it. I don't assume that these people wish bad things on me. I know Nora prays for my wellbeing and success. I think my mom does too. I need to start praying more.

This is the longest random post ever but this is my mind right now. All over the damn place. I been crying since 2:30 am last night and I don't even really know why. I'm trying to figure it out. I'm just sad. Im not good with taking emotional losses. My persistence has a tendency to hold on to things longer than needed. I'm hurt. I want to be bitter. I want to be spiteful. I want to be petty. And I was basically given permission to do all those things BUT I can't. I really can't. And I think thats why I'm so frustrated, because I really do put forth the effort to be a good person and to handle shit in a good way, but I always get the short end of the stick. Im always left to deal. Everybody else go on their merry way like shit sweet and I'm suffering emotionally because I can't shake being mistreated or disrespected as quick as other people. That shit really bothers me and I always just ignore it. I distance myself or walk away from a situation. And I think this time I would go unnoticed because thats what I been doing. I wanna say something. I wanna scream. I wanna yell. I wanna fight. I wanna let it be known how I really feel. Because people never notice when you walk away, they just notice what you don't do anymore. The notice your presence is gone. And it takes a real person to admit they were wrong or admit they could have handled shit better. Thats what people do when they appreciated your presence and they miss you and want you back in their life. And I think the situation I'm in now is so sad for me because he's not gonna care. I've walked away from this nigga a million times. He knows I love him but he told me he doesn't want me to care anymore.And I wanna not care SO BAD, but that shit is not in his best interest lol. I don't know how to just turn it off. Or how it turn it down. Either I care or I don't. I don't know how to halfway care. I don't know how to fake my feelings. I know how to not show them but I don't know how to not feel them.

My feelings are so important to me that I could never discredit them. Its been times where I was like wtf were you thinking, but at the end of the day, I know my feelings work properly. My mind and ego be on some other shit. When something makes me angry, I get upset. When somebody tells me a story, I can feel if it was some bullshit involved. When I'm happy, I'm on top of the world. If I'm excessively worried about something, I know its a real risk involved. I don't understand how people can live a life where their feelings dont matter. They have to feel like they don't matter. I used to be like that. And I still feel like nobody gives a fuck about me and my feelings. But I care. And if I care, I can at least stand up for myself and feelings and not let people discredit it just because it doesn't mean shit to them.

He really hurt my feelings yesterday. If I had wrote him a love letter, he wouldn't have called me with a soliloquy. He would have ignored that shit. But I send him a message talking shit and I get a response right away. Its sad. For him. And for us because I don't want to be in that kind of relationship. If the only way I can get you to do stuff is to nag and talk shit until you are tired of hearing my mouth, then its a problem. I can go find a motherfucker who will listen the first time. I don't need that stress lol. I don't even want to be that person. Thats not a good place for me lol. I can be a bitch forreal given the right circumstances and I don't want to become accustomed to being that type of person all the time. Bitches be mad at the world for any and everything, I just wanna be happy. I wanna keep a real smile on my face naturally. I just wanna be so happy that I can't not be happy. lol. I felt that way when me and him first started talking, I remember I came home one day and my cousin broke my laptop, and my cousin boyfriend at the time, broke my dvd player. And my boo was mad at me because I wasn't mad at them. I'm like they're poor, they can't replace it, its no need for me to be mad. Its okay. lol. I didn't give a fuck, I had my boo, thats all i cared about lol. I'm not material at all. Love may not pay the bills, but shit, if Love not involved, I don't think the bills worth paying. And I really believe that lol

I'm a different breed. I've recognized it a long time ago. And I rarely find people who get me. I'll continue to search though. Its funny because I need somebody loving and supporting but that shit makes me so uncomfortable at the same time because I don't know how to respond to it because I'm not used to it. I know how to be loving and supporting but I don't know how to receive it. I need to work on that. Maybe that will be my breakthrough moment. Lord knows I need one. I haven't given up faith wise, but i need a reminder why doing the right thing is so important. Or doing what feels right. Are they the same thing? I need blinders cause I just get caught up in other people getting what they want through fucked up purposes, and how easy it seems. My poor little heart won't let me do evil things so I guess I'll continue on this path of righteousness. God please allow me to see the light, I need to know its there because this tunnel seems super long. Or maybe I'm just driving super slow. Whatever it is. Please help me see it. Amen. Love ya, thank you!