Dear Boo (who probably should be titled Nigga I need to let go but hey, such is life),

I don't really know what I want to say here but I do know its a lot. It will probably all sound like mumbo jumbo to you but trust me, it all makes sense in my head. Some days I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and some days things seem as bleek as they did starting off. We've both grown up right in front of each other. Its kinda weird because it definitely wasn't the best of times, but it felt special, so it definitely wasn't the worse of times. I just don't know where this boat, train or plane ends. Are we supposed to continue to grow with each other forever or are we at our final destination? I'm feeling like we're coming to an end but it could also be a beginning. I don't fucking know. I go back and forth with shit so much because nothing makes sense. Everything seems doomed to fail. Past events don't help me make the decision to stay involved because I could risk it all again, but I'm really tryna avoid hurt feelings this go around. I'd be a fool to sit back and allow that to happen again.

But how am I supposed to fulfill my dreams with all this doubt in my head concerning it? I am a definite believer that God can work a miracle. I know this. I've seen it. Shit, a lot of times I feel like a miracle cause Lord knows I would not be where I am today without him. I'd probably be somewhere secretly stalking somebody from a far or some shit. Don't judge me. Just know that I did not become that person as I so easily could have LOL. God saved me forreal. So I know for a fact he could save us. How long is it gonna take though? Is it gonna happen? THis lifetime, cause I promise the end can really seem so far sometimes? Must not be the end then. And that makes me think even more that I need to just let it go. I'm a very persevering, determined person. I can work with somebody that I'm willing to work with. I just don't know if you're workable. You're more like a piece of work that I just don't know if Imma be satisfied with the outcome because the whole process is just draining. for me at least. You don't seem to give a fuck one way or the other. Which makes it even harder for me to decide cause i don't know if you don't care, or if you're pretending not to. I hate having to decode everything. As honest as we are with each other about stuff, like why are we still tip toeing around what we really have to say? I'm over it. I'm tired of trying to read into words and piece shit together. This is life. Its not a puzzle. I know how I feel, I know what I wanna do, and I know how to say it out loud to somebody who knows how he feels, and what he wants to do. And we can go from there. I'm good at figuring shit out, no great, BUT its obvious key pieces to this puzzle are missing. I just need to know if I should continue working on this one, or start a new one. I'm ready to have that conversation, and it scares me because shit is gonna get real and imm have to deal with it however it turns out. And of course, I can only see the bad side of it. I can't even think what the good side would be. I guess us being together, but with all the bullshit that comes with that, I just don't even know if we would be able to even enjoy it. Its too much.

Thats why most days I prefer to walk away instead of deal. Its easier this way. But reality is reality. I can't run from it, I must accept it in whatever way I can. And with said, I guess everything is what it is. I can't convince somebody who only thinks logically that feelings matter. My feelings matter to me, but clearly his feelings don't matter to him. Not more than money. Not more than keeping up with whatever is going on. I have to worry about me and my feelings that matter to me, and I don't want to be depressed again. I want to be happy. I want to smile. I want great days because of great feelings. And its very sketchy as to whether you can do this for me or not. My heart wants to believe but my mind is like bitch be for real. What the fuck has he done lately to even make you begin to think otherwise? NOT SHIT. okay sorry, my ego might have took over that one. My multiple personalities are showing in this post LOL. And on that note, Imma say this...LORD PLEASE HELP YOUR CHILD OUT HERE. Idk what to do or say anymore. I'm always asking for guidance and then don't do shit, smh. I need help moving my feet. You know my heart.