How many of us have them?...FRIENDS!

I'm back with another post for 2026. Surprising. But I have some stuff on my mind and chest that I need to get off. 

FIRST OF ALL, I just want to talk about this past Sunday. I was out fishing, as usual, and got a phone call from my mama. She was telling me a friend of mine was at the house looking for me. Long story short, the friend pulled up on me and told me she was now a millionaire from hitting the lottery. And she wanted me to help her make some investments in our hometown. 

The crazy part about all this is all weekend, I sat around thinking about how I really don't have any real friends or family that I fuck with on a trust level. I have family and friends I can hang out with, I can chill with, have fun with but when it comes to doing business, making money moves, and having each others back, I'm out here by myself. I was crying and praying to God that there's no way my life supposed to be this hard. As much love as I have showed my family and friends over the years, I thought I would at least feel loved. I never thought love and respect would be such a THING in my life cause I know for a fact I don't be out here bothering or harming people. I intentionally avoid a lot of shit and suffer personally because I rather avoid confrontation or hard conversations. 

And I learned the hard way why I avoided confrontation and hard conversations because when I do express how I feel, nobody cares. I'm crazy. I'm doing too much. I'm argumentative. I'm insensitive. I'm mean. I'm selfish. And it drives me crazy which is a huge reason why I avoid a lot of my family and friends. 

I'm not sure how I became the person in people life that they thought they could treat any kind of way and I would love them no matter what. 

Well after putting it like that, I know why. It was me. For a long time, my family was EVERYTHING to me. And I mean everything. I barely had friends in school outside of my family. I definitely rarely hung out without people that weren't family or friends of my family. I spent summers with my family who lived in DC and MD and not in my hometown. The older I got, the more I saw that my family really didn't fuck with me. The adults mostly because they all tried to blame me for their kids being how they are. I spent years having to tip toe issues with my family because they all wanted me to be the reason why my cousins was out here fucking up. So I had to stop fucking with everybody so they could see it wasn't me. I was actually tryna save them. I was actually giving them good advice and really looking out for them in ways that they own parents were not. 

And even 2 of my uncles came to me in private, of course, and apologized to me for how they thought about, talked about and treated me over the years. I appreciated the apology but it didn't take away from me feeling like my own family was out to get me. But I was able to let it ride because I figured my cousins would always show me love and have my back no matter what. BOY WAS I WRONG! 

Watching everybody turn on me was crazy. Cause I didn't say shit, I just took my cues to get the fuck away from people because again, I don't like confrontation. I'm the type of person that when people show me who they are, I believe them. Ain't nothing to talk about once you make certain decisions that show me I'm expendable, not respected, cared for or considered. I'm overly nice and respectful to my family because in my mind, they all I got. They the ones who really know me. The ones who I could ride or die for and the same for me. But NOPE, I WAS WRONG. 

All people do is use me and then try to talk about me behind my back. I say try because somebody either cause they don't like how ppl be doing me or they being messy, gone make sure I find out. I want to feel protected, loved and respected by the people around me. 

I said all that to say, my friend who showed back up in my life came by just to thank me for being there for her when everybody else around her gave up on her. When she needed a place to stay where she could feel comfortable and be herself, I was there. But even more than that, she was always there for me too. Always protected me. I'll never forget her asking me why I let certain people even talk to me. I'm so fucking happy for her and her personal journey of going out there and getting it for herself and her family. She gives me hope for myself to have a good life full of love, money, freedom, and family that believes in me. 

Its so sad to me that I know for a fact if I had more support early on in life and a love life that didn't bring so much stress and trauma in my life, I would be much further. Cause I wouldn't have to focus so much on tryna pull myself out of these dark spaces that people put me in and that I allowed myself to stay in for far too long. But I was hurt. I can't deny it. I still can't believe it but I'm over it enough where I'm not crying and sad all the time BUT it still affects me because I'm afraid to love and let others love me. I don't trust myself or others anymore. Most days I just want to curl up into a ball and not necessarily die but I want to be left alone. 

I had this vision the other day of me laying in the walkway space of my living room and kitchen. Just laying there with people stepping over me. And its basically exactly how I feel about my life right now. I'm stagnant. I'm literally doing nothing while everyone else is moving along as if I do not even exist. I appear to be dramatic by laying out on the floor like that but really I just want somebody to notice me. To see me. To want to help me. To at least maybe ask Am I okay? What's wrong? Maybe even somebody who wants to help me be happy and keep a smile on my face instead of it always being about me bringing the joy in people's lives. 

Being smart and able-bodied only made people look at me like I did not need any help or if I did need help, they refused to help me because they again felt like I didn't need it because I would figure it out. I never think negatively because even though a lot of people around me have showed me their true colors when it comes to me, I still refuse to believe it. And I think its because I have to believe in goodness of others or I will really give up on humanity and myself. I don't see the point of living in a world where I have to watch my back everywhere I go with everyone I'm around because at any given time things can change and I can be put in a bad position without ever seeing it coming and sometimes, not being able to do anything about it but suffer through it. I've been suffering enough. I'm over suffering at the hands and ignorance of others. It truly makes me not want to give a fuck about anything. 

If people get to choose to be horrible human beings, and if I don't choose to be horrible with them, then I'm the one getting walked over, done dirty, disenfranchised, disrespected and treated as if I don't matter. And I don't be wanting to be mean or even raise my voice at people but I literally have no other choice in this world because I refuse to be a doormat. I refuse to be a silenced woman. I refuse to live a life where people control my emotions and damn near wellbeing all because I want to be a lover. I take pride in being a lover and provider and fun person. And people hate me for it even though deep down, they appreciate me because its not too many people willing to go first when it comes to love and respect. Everybody waiting for their moment to shit on somebody else and its sad. I want better for myself and others but the only person I can control is me. 

So that's what I'm on these days. Which brings me to my love life where men believe I don't care about them or love them enough when in actuality, they won't even take the time to get to know me or try to see me in a light outside of themselves. And I hate that for me. I literally have an entire existence that gets ignored when it comes to men. They only see me as what I could do and be to them. Its sad and sick. Because I'm starting to believe the only way Imma find love is through being fake and using someone for my own selfish needs. That's what love is these days. And maybe that's what love always been but it has to be more to it. 

There has to be people in the world who bypass disrespect and dishonesty and choose love and being real with themselves and others. I want to believe this, I really do. And I thank my friend for being someone who showed me that good people do still exist in the world and we are still winning too. Not without a severe fucking fight it seems but that's where the blessings come. And I just hope God has me on the list to be blessed to live financially, proverbially stress free life full of joy and happiness. All that other stuff not my ministry and I want nothing to do with it anymore. I've had enough. 

Prayers Up!

I just submitted a grant application to receive some kitchen equipment to start my bakery business through a local program. I pray to God, the universe, my guardian angels, and ancestors are on my side to make sure I get awarded that opportunity. 

I have a brick and mortar location in mind but if that doesn't work out for me, I can start as a home-based business. I don't usually ask for much but if anybody reads this, please put in a special prayer for me. I believe in myself and I have been working hard/smart. I'm tired of struggling. I want more for myself and I don't want to have to spend the rest of my life trying to get it. 

I just need one good opportunity to make things happen for myself in a way where I do not have to worry about things falling apart because of people around me being jealous, acting funny, making me out to be something I'm not. This new idea of mine would allow me to do everything I want to do and get paid for it. 

PRAYERS UP TO ME! 

7 years later.

It is 8:27 am, Monday, February 9, 2026. I am currently at what I would consider my new job. I started in January 2026. I work in Special Education at my hometown high school. I left my former job in Economic and Community Development because it was exhausting working in a field where I could actually affect change but the people in charge have no sense of vision, community or working collaboratively. They truly believe that getting together and talking about the same thing over and over is how things get done. It was also apparent that there was no intention of even trying to assist local residents, much of whom are African Americans and living in poverty stricken conditions. There is a huge separation within the community and its sad to see no advocacy for the generational and legacy residents of the community.

Long story short, the people responsible for community and economic development in my local community are not concerned with developing the community or supporting small businesses. They are also not interested in innovative or creative ideas that support community artists and skilled trade workers. They want to copy other communities in the hopes it works for us, as well. And the reason it will not work is because we do have the same opportunities as other communities because we are a rural area.

Even longer story short, the white people are allowed to STILL be racist and discriminatory because none of the current African Americans who are elected officials or local government workers will stop them. Our Main street communities are significantly underdeveloped because property owners are extremely selective who they will lease or sell to. Or when they do sell, the buildings are overpriced and need lots of foundational and structural work. 

Grant opportunities and small business resources are only given to businesses that property owners want to support. Unless you are willing to struggle through expensive rent/lease situations, or purchase an overpriced fixer upper, which is a horrible business decision you will not make it far in my town. Unless you are in with the white people and others the white people have let in who own all the land and property and political power. 

So now I am currently trying to figure out how I can get black people in this area with money or means to work together and start doing everything we can to build up our own communities and economies. If we don't start now while everything is still a work in progress, we will get left behind. They are not planning for us to be integral parts of the community they envision for my hometown in the future. They want to drive everyone out that they can so they can sell the Rural Living dream to city folks and have them come live here, work remotely and/or commute back and forth to Raleigh/Richmond. Or if we do get a train stop in my hometown, the possibilities of advancement is even greater. 

I'm not sure the black people in my community understand or see what is going on but it is already happening. They have upgraded a lot of the trailer parks in the area, upping the rent and requirements for living there. If your landlord sees the tags on your car are expired, you are at risk of losing your place to stay. Property owners are doing very specific things to keep certain people out of their property. It is not always African Americans but for the most part, the trailer parks here are filled with African American families, single mothers and kids usually. 

The trailer park communities are commonly alcohol and drug-filled and known for prostitution, and extremely dire struggle filled conditions where kids are often neglected and not provided safe, comfortable conditions or positive experiences. 

I have so much to get off my chest but this what is coming out now. I just can't believe that we have an all African American Board of Commissioners and all they do is ask questions and hold shit up instead of just approving things cause at this point, GIVE THE COMMUNITY SOMETHING!!!!! I mean DAMN. Its so many buildings, land, resources, grants, opportunities and shit that could really benefit my hometown but its a bunch of lazy ass, don't give a fuck, ass people working in positions that they don't need to be in. And I'm talking the government workers and local boards because they are the ones who are supposed to be putting in the time and effort to create community and economic development change. The only thing they good for is paying other people to come in and create a strategic plan for a community they only know about from what they heard. White people are who not even trying to get into poverty reduction or real community issues. 

And the worst part to me is if I was not working in this field I would have no idea how serious it is. And they will never tell us because they do not want us to get involved and start asking why is the focus not on the PEOPLE OF THE COMMUNITY first. They are doing their best to try and gentrify the community and I fear they will start taking people's land and property again KNOWING they can't afford the property taxes because they are barely affording to live. There are no high paying jobs in the area for locals. They recruit from the outside for most of the important or higher paying positions and if someone from my community who is African American and does have a Director or Manager position, they had to work or scam their asses off to get there. 

And once they get there, they so worried about somebody trying to steal their position, they never hire people around them who are necessary to getting the real world done. They hire people just as lazy, just as unbothered and just as status quo, don't wanna rock the boat, as them. There is no way real change will ever come from that. 

Hiring processes and workforce development of local rural communities make a very big difference in the landscape of the community and in the economic development. If you are not hiring people from your community or paying them wages where they can support themselves, then they will either find other sources of income through entrepreneurship or gig work, or they will seek employment in neighboring counties. Even with degrees and credentials, it is hard to find work in my community because people are gatekeeping, and picking and choosing their family and friends OR out of towners over qualified local workers. 

I think local workers should get first dibs and priority for the higher paying jobs in a community, especially local government, schools, and major industries. In order to build the pipeline from schools to work in a community, you have to have people who work, live and play there. THE LOCALS. They are working to get charter schools over the public schools instead of investing in building up the public schools that could be better, but everyone has accepted that the public schools are failing the students. Which from my observations, they are. But not because people aren't working or trying their best. Its because the teachers, staff, students and parents are not receiving the support they need from leadership, managers, directors, local government, regional partnerships, community organizations, non-profits that should be making sure each county in their designated area is receiving resources for people who need them. That is how you start building a community for the purposes of economic development. If the system is broken or lax, then that means people are not receiving what they need or could use to put themselves in better positions. 

People are making due with what they have and they don't know what they don't know. So many political leaders, regardless of race have no interest or idea how to handle outreach within the poverty stricken areas of the communities they claim to want to do so much for. They literally are just working jobs and do not understand the importance of the work they do. It is critical, essential, and people involved need to understand that smart people, program managers and program workers are necessary for that type of work. You cannot burnout, ostracize and/or disenfranchise the people who want to do the necessary work. These people need to be appreciated, compensated, and supported on all levels because they are the ones doing the work that will show the results leaders and regional partners are looking for. Until local stakeholders realize this, there will always be a disconnect between them and the community and local programs/resources/opportunities because the person who would handle the roles/responsibilities required to complete work once the strategic plan has been developed are rarely respected, compensated properly or they do not even exist because leaders and hiring managers do not fight to create necessary support positions, they expect people to volunteer. Or when they do create positions, the pay is so low and the work is heavy. Also local stakeholders and regional partners do not understand that once they develop or re-brand these programs or processes, they need people to do the work of starting the program, marketing the program, managing the program, staffing the program, finding program participants, retaining program participants, producing reports to show results of program, etc. 

I had only been working in local government within the Community and Economic Development for 1.5 years and it did not take me long to see that. It just goes to show that some people really do not need to be working in the public sector. Their ruthlessness and selfishness is not needed in service work. 

And that's my Meg Talk for today. 

Coming up with Nothing

Tried to think of a heading for this post but I'm coming up with nothing. I just need to clear my mind and get my get my thoughts back in order. I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll start with one of my favorite subjects: LOVE.

Even though I never truly feel the love, I guess its there huh? Some people just seem so loved and idk if its because of the love they show to others or because they demand it. Idk. I always feel like I'm missing something. Like everybody got these secrets that I know nothing about. And the more I try to experience love, the more I get hurt. And idk if its because I'm looking for love in all the wrong places, or what. I'm lost.

And what is so mind boggling to me is that I meet him guys who are emotionally unavailable. And I'm starting to think that maybe I'm the reason for that. Am I emotionally unavailable? I don't think I am. I want to love the fuck outta somebody one day. I really do. But shit always seem like an uphill battle and I know it shouldn't be this hard. I feel like every guy I deal with I have to reprogram them because they be having relationships and women and shit fucked up. All women are not "CRAZY." All women don't have to text, call and boo love all day for shit to be cool. I'm not a typical woman, I know that. I don't do typical thing, I do me. And I think its hard to find somebody who can appreciate a woman like me. I am independent, always have been. Depending on others has never really worked out in my favor, so I try not to do it. I got me. And I think that may intimidate guys who used to needy woman. I can definitely take care of myself. I'm very far from a damsel in distress but sometimes I feel like my life would be so much easier and fulfilling if I just played the role of one.

I'm chill naturally. And when I'm not chillin, I'm probably somewhere wilding out. Or what I call wilding out. Its really just being myself but I just chill alot cause my personality very nightlife and its not always called for. But sometimes I chill so much that I feel like I'm not being myself. And I want people to know both sides of me because I am very dichotomous. I'm either somewhere acting like a grandma or turning up like a 21 year old. No in between. I hide behind my cool demeanor. It's me but its more of a defense mechanism, I guess.

If you don't know the real me, then you can't judge me. You can't predict what I might do next. You can't try to box me in a certain category. You just gotta accept me for me and learn to love me for who I am. And the more comfortable I am with you, the more I will show you what I call "the real me." Not everybody gets to see that person. I'm very sensitive and easily hurt. I take everything personal and be ready to beat motherfuckers up all the time. I'm kinda loud and ratchet when I wanna be. I have no couth cause sometimes the shit I say out of my mouth, I dont see whats wrong with it. Especially if its the truth. I realize that a lot of that has a negative connotation but I'm also genuine, and I have a loving, caring spirit. And I don't really fear too much. Love was a fear of mine for a long time because of heartbreak. But after having my heart shattered into a million pieces and I had pick it all up and put it back together, I'm not scared anymore, I'm cautious. I'm careful. I keep a very close watch on my emotions and feelings. I always have but its with better intention this time.

If I fear anything, its not living out my life. I fear being stuck in some bullshit forever. I fear not being able to have the love of my life and family and a child or children of my own. I fear wasting so much time with the wrong person. I fear giving so much of myself away that there's nothing left for me at the end of the day. I fear not being appreciated. I fear not feeling loved. I fear that my life story will be nothing but "Megan was a good person. She was always there for me when I needed her. And she knew how to have fun." And thats it. And I dont mind those things, but I want more for myself out of my own life instead of it being defined by what I did for others. I feel like right now, the things I have done for others is my greatest accomplishment. And thats not a bad thing but its not necessarily all that good for me because I spend so much time helping others.

And it happens naturally. So naturally that sometimes I have to tell myself I can't be everything to everybody. And I will feel bad about it when I can't do something. I make people problems my own way too often and the sad part that really hurts me is they never truly appreciate. Like the shit I've done for people, I could never repay me enough for it. Cause it was genuine. It wasn't for no other reason than the fact that I decided to do it. People may have asked me but I did it because I chose to. And to me, to have a genuine person on your team that is willing to look out for your best interests is everything. It almost seem unreal to me because idk who does that for me, besides God. I dont even know if I really look out for my own best interests. Idk what my interests are anymore.

I'm so lost. I dont know how much more soul searching I can do. I feel like I been soul searching for the past 10 years. Since I been out of high school forreal. I dont like to compare myself to others but its hard not to. I don't feel like I'm doing bad in life, but I know I could be doing a lot better for myself. I've allowed myself to feel stuck and I do not know why. I think because I'm getting older and I feel like I should be living a more stable lifestyle. But I don't have kids. Like my life would be totally different if I had children. I know for a fact. Not necessarily as far as what I do, but as far as what I have for myself. Cause I aint got shit but my iPhone now.

And So It Begins...AGAIN

That's a phrase that I always use when I embark on a new adventure or experience. This time its a little different because I've done this before. Back in 2009, I left my current job, packed all my clothes up and moved to Maryland with some relatives. I spent 6 months being broke and poor, living off a refund I got for taking college classes. That I didn't even finish because I really just needed the money. I woke up every morning about 8:00 and applied for jobs online until about 12:00 pm. EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I got interviews. I got job offers. I didn't take anything of them because they weren't within the realm of what I could realistically do. Most of the jobs I needed a car of my own and I had left my car with my mom in NC. I had to rely on public transportation to get to and from work if I accepted the job. I eventually ended up moving back to NC to work my old job for the summer when I got a phone call while at work one day with a job offer that could work for me. I interviewed for an assistant position at University of MD and the lady I interviewed with liked me so much she decided to take a chance on me. There were people more qualified for the job, but somehow I impressed her and she wanted me to work for her. She called me and offered me the job and I took it.

I had a going away party and moved back to Maryland the next day to start my job. It was a good experience. I loved my job. It was unfortunate I was brought into a work environment that was shitty and had to deal with a lot of petty co-workers because of it. It was slightly racial seeing as me and my supervisor were the only black people in the office and we were always targeted for something. Shit we didn't even do. Everybody was mad we actually came to work and did our jobs. And it made them look bad because they came to work to socialize and make fake friends and shit. Until eventually, as a tactic to get back at my supervisor, they suddenly let me go because of "budget cuts." I respect them for that just because it allowed me to get unemployment.

I was so happy in that moment. I got a chance to relax for once. Sorta. My personal life was completely in shambles at the time too. The one person I thought had my back up and left me to raise his child and be with his baby mama. I was devastated. Took me YEARS to recover. And by years I mean, at least like 5 years to fully feel like myself again. But surviving that heartbreak let me know that I care about my life and myself more than anything out here. I was living with my aunt and uncle at the time. They were mad at me because I moved in with them under the agreement that I would tutor and help their son with his school work. Which I did. But I did it in a way where he didn't always need me. I taught him how to do the shit himself. How to be confident that he can write an essay on his own. And I know for a fact, it helped him tremendously but they couldn't see that. All they could see is I wasn't stuck up they son ass or theirs. For anything. After losing my job, I started staying with my friend. I only went back to my aunts house if I needed clothes. My aunt asked my cousin to write me a letter asking me to leave her house. I was gonna be petty and sit around and wait for her to say something to me but instead, I packed all my shit, and took the bus to back to NC.

Again, a decision I am proud of because it gave me the opportunity to spend the last 3 years of my grandfathers life with him. I helped my mom and aunt take care of him as he suffered with COPD and eventually come to find out Metastatic liver cancer. My grandfather was on hospice care for like a year and a half. Being on it so long that they wanted to take him off because he wasn't getting worse. When in actuality, he just wasn't showing it. I wouldn't trade that moment in time for anything else in the world and would make that same decision a million times over. Even just writing about this is making me tear up because it was something that I sacrificed myself for. I could have been out doing other things with my life but I wanted to be there for my grandfather. And him telling my mom one day that I do all the important work in the house let me know that he saw my dedication to him and his wellbeing, even though he was slowly dying right in front of my eyes. One of the hardest things I ever had to deal with. I cried many nights praying that my grandfather died in his sleep so he wouldn't have to suffer so bad. He suffered but he went out a lot more peacefully than he could have. I was always worried that I would walk in his room and see him trying to catch his breath and watch him basically have a heart attack and die in front of my face. I couldn't handle that and I prayed often for better for my grandfather and God came through for me. Of course. And I will forever be grateful for that. God got me for that one forreal. And the fact that my grandfathers death was one of the best times of my life as far as family being around and everyone just having a good time, just like my grandfather wished, it was magical. It was like it used to be as far as my family getting together and just enjoying life. My grandfather was really the life of the party. I loved him for than anything. We had a relationship of respect and love and understanding. I was the only person who could talk to my grandfather when he got into one of his fuck what you talking about moods. And i would have to get rough. He's pulled  a knife on me plenty times but it was all love. He knew he met his match with me. I'm just like my grandmother lol. Sweetest woman on Earth until you fuck with her, then you better take cover bitch cause its going down. And I'm not stopping until I do and say everything I want to.

But I said all that to say that, its about to go down! I made a decision recently that was huge for me. God willin everything goes magically wonderful and this will probably hands down be the turning point of my life that I will always look back on and be like I'm so glad you did that shit. I'm so glad you went against everything you've been told and made a choice that was best for you. And you never looked back. On and upward. I feel like sometimes we talk about dreams but we don't think its possible to live them. And I'm still not sure what will come from this decision but I wanna chase my dreams some more. I know for a fact I'll never catch em if I don't try so this is it. It is time. Shout out to Rob and my cousin Chaise for being life livers and making me realize that I need to start now before I get sucked into the world of giving up. I really feel like things are going to be great though. I don't know how things will play out at all, but I've always been good at winging it with a plan. So here we go once again...

And so it begins.

God please watch over me as I embark on this journey. Grandma, Dude and Chaise, I know yall got me. My three angels in heaven. Love yall for eternity. I think I'm ready. Somebody gotta do it for us all. I kinda always been the chosen one. The golden child. I been different. Time to live like it. Get my life forreal. Amen.

"I think I like who I'm becoming..." - Drake

I decided to come to this blog with a different attitude today and instead of discussing my frustrations, I want to speak on some accomplishments I've made in the past couple years.

One of the biggest accomplishments I have made recently is surviving having my heartbroken and remaining positive about love despite it all. It was not easy at all. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep and waking up with puffy eyes. I've written many poems, letters and songs to my ex boo. I even wrote a screenplay detailing a lot of my emotions that at the moment, I could not express in a positive manner. That screenplay probably saved my life more than anything. It was so cathartic for me. I remember writing it and I would literally be laughing or crying or angry depending on the moment. It allowed me to write a happy ending to a story that in reality did not end as well as I had hoped it would. And one day, I hope to have this screenplay turned into a movie for the whole world to see. 

Another accomplishment that I'm proud of is accepting myself. I remember a time where I could be me so effortlessly. I didn't feel the need to hide myself from others. And then my mom told me I was being mean and needed to check my attitude. So I started being nice to people. I started giving them the benefit of the doubt. I started keeping my attitude to myself and it probably helped me in some instances like being a professional at work. But in my personal life, me always feeling like I had to go the nice route was wearing on my soul. And it make me feel like I wasn't naturally a nice person because being nice seemed so hard. And I started feeling like maybe my mom was right, maybe I am a mean person. Maybe I'm not that good of a person that I thought I was. It made me question who I was and eventually I found myself in many situations that showed me who I was. 

And through more heartbreak, losing people I considered my friends, and many cold war tension days, I realized that I am a nice person but I'm also not for the bullshit of people treating me with disrespect or disdain. And I learned that it is okay to take up for myself and not let people tell me who I am. I know me very well, always have. But I guess I had to go through some things like that to make it more clear to myself that I am a good person who deserves love and respect and honesty and understanding and all the positive things that make life worth while. 

And I learned how important it is to not hold grudges, but to let people make their decisions and just carry on with my life because I am the only person I can control. The past 5 years have been a huge self discovery and learning experience for me in many areas of my life. I feel more like I used to as far as myself goes, but I know that I've grown up in so many ways that I'm not the same person at all. And I am proud of that. 

I've learned a lot about love and what it means to me and how important it is for happiness in my life. Loving god and myself being the most important and loving others coming in a close second. And thats another accomplishment that I am proud of as well; establishing and building my own personal relationship with God. I always believed in God. I went to church and sunday school and bible study growing up. It wasn't a regular thing all the time, but I was very well aware of this higher being that was watching me and looking out for me in times where I wasn't looking out for myself. But to grow from that and have my own outlook on what God has been to me has changed my world for the better. It's been a lot of situations that I've been through that have made me question myself a lot, and sometimes even God. I remember many nights laying in bed asking God to help me do better. Help me be better. Help me not feel all the negativity that was brewing inside of me. Help me to let it go. Help me to realize that my life is important and I should be enjoying as much of it as I possibly can. God really saved me. And I dedicate myself to being a person that God can be proud of. A person that God can say is at least trying to do their part in helping people realize their potential and live their best lives and get closer to God on a more spiritual level. 

And sometimes, I help people to the point where I put myself in a bad position and I'm learning how to say no so I don't get caught up in stuff like that anymore. But at the end of the day, I do it because I want to help people do better and live better. It really hurts me to see others hurting so I try to do what I can to help them help themselves. And I'm proud of the accomplishments I've made in that arena as well. I have friends who know and trust that if nothing else, the advice I give them is all about helping them be better people to themselves. And it makes me feel good to know that people trust my advice whether they take it or not. Cause at the end of the day, I am a genuine person. If I fuck with you, I fuck with you. If I don't, its no beef, I just chose to be around people who I feel more comfortable being around. And I'm proud that I'm learning to be more selfish and look out for myself because I have a tendency to always be doing things in the grand scheme for others and not for myself. 

I really do think I like who I'm becoming. I'm still a work in progress. I still clam up sometimes and stress over telling people no, but I make myself do it when I know I need to. I still have some negative feelings toward love mainly because love hasn't worked out in my favor yet. Yet being the opportune word because again, I still believe that Love, true love will happen for me one day in some form and all the other shit I had to deal with to get there will be water under the bridge at that point. 

I guess I am in a good place mentally and emotionally, if nothing else. My mother recently came to me and told me that she felt like she had been slacking in the showing me love department and she was going to do better. That really touched my heart because I been feeling like she doesn't show me the same love that she does say my brother or nephew sometimes and it has been hurting my feelings. And I've been trying to express it for years but it always turns into a situation where I have to end up apologizing for how I felt. And this last altercation we had, I think she realized how she can make things about her all the time and my feelings get pushed to the side. And I still was the one to apologize to her because for me, at the end of the day, nothing is more important than maintaining a loving relationship with my mom. Even if I have to be the one to suck up all my feelings and let her be her. But for some reason, I feel things may start being different for us. I accomplished expressing myself to my mother, which has always been a hard thing for me to do because she is so sensitive and its almost always easier for me to just let it go than to try and convince her to care about how I feel she's treating me. But I have been trying to do with better with letting people know how I feel about things. And I'm proud of what I've accomplished so far. 

Especially with Marcel. I'm a completely different person with him and I'd bet money that he knows it. I'm no longer attached to him emotionally and lord knows that is a great accomplishment for me. lol. It's been a long time coming. And the fact that I can still be cool with him makes the accomplishment even more satisfying because that is what I wanted. I fought hard not to hate him and I can honestly say that I don't. I hate how things have turned out between us and its nobody's fault. Its life. I was 20 when I met him. I'll be 29 this year. Growing up has a way of putting things into perspective and at the end of the day, me being happy with the decisions I have made and will make in life became more important than the hopes, wishes and dreams I had for myself in the past. I'm getting back to living in the moment and learning to enjoy creating a life around the people and things I love and enjoy. 

Of course its some things that I still worry about and need to pray on. My car situation is one of them. And mainly because besides the monthly $410 car payment and $125 insurance payment, I still have to put gas in my car. I still have to clean it. I still have to keep it serviced. I need tires right now. I had to get brakes a few months ago. Its A LOT of financial responsibility and I'm already in over my head with money issues. The number of loans I have is crazy. And that is my fault. I overspent my credit cards trying to keep myself and others happy, but again that is my fault and lesson learned. And I've been praying for some additional income from somewhere. I want to get a part-time job, but it has to be one that is worth it and won't put too much more stress on me. Right now, I'm managing everything but the thought of having to keep up with this shit for the next 5 years is really bothering me. Mainly because I feel stuck in the life I'm living for the next 5 years at least. I pray my car is still in good shape by then cause I refuse to EVER get another car payment again. I knew I never wanted one, but at the same time, I need this financial responsibility practice for when I get older and want things that require to show that I can be trusted. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to be alone forever. More so because I feel like I've been alone for so long and it doesn't really bother me that much, and that kind of scares me. Its a feeling that I've grown so accustomed to that I don't know how to act like I want to be in a relationship. Because I've always wanted to be in a relationship. A good loving one, to be more specific. But apparently, I do not come across as the relationship wanting type. And I don't really know how to work on that. When I like someone, I show them. So to me, if the relationship is supposed to progress to something more serious than being friends or friends with benefits then it will. I don't like putting pressure on love. I can only hope that someone will take the time to get to know me and want our relationship to develop naturally and genuinely.

Life is great, and if its not feeling that way right now, it won't be long before it will again. I have to always remind myself of this. 

So...

I came here to kind of get some things off my chest about my life. Then I re-read some of my previous posts and realize that I keep falling intot the same trap with people and I always end up on the disappointed side.

My mom had her appendix removed recently and she's been being an evil bitch. Mainly because she thinks nobody is sympathetic to what she is going through so she feels like she is dealing with it alone. But shit, thats how I feel about life 99% of the time. I think she being dramatic and depressing because the people that she have to help her, she won't use them. She'd rather just complain about the people who not doing shit. And be miserable and take it out on everybody else. I aint got time for that shit.

I'm so sick of people, idk what to do with myself sometimes. I want beat motherfuckers up. I wanna slap people upside the head. I want them to get where I'm coming from FOR ONCE. Like with my mom, I'm not uncaring to what she is going through right now. But in the grand scheme, she's doing fine. She need to start getting up and stop being the lazy, evil bitch she is and start working on recovering. She probably mad right now cause she don't have her pain pills anymore, but she knew they weren't giving her another dose so she need to just get the fuck over it.

I'm just sick of having to deal with other people being "the way they are." But when I do anything that isn't considered nice, I get called so many names. And I think part of it is I feel bad about being not nice on my own so when people put their two cents in, it kinda pisses me off. Im a nice person 90% of the time. I think I'm allowed to have a couple bad days. And even when I am having a moment, I stay to myself because I know how I can sulk and just be in a bad mood. And when I'm over it, I'll resurface.

I feel like this is a test from God in some way. But I don't know how to talk to people who use feelings and emotions to their advantage. My mom and Marcel act the exact same. They both try to make me feel like I'm wrong all the time and it weighs on me because I love them and I'm the type of person that will apologize whether I felt like I was wrong or not. Just because I care more about my relationships with people than being right. But I'm tired of being the one who is apologetic. I'm tired of always having to be the peacemaker.

At this point in my life, if you choose to treat me like anything, then fuck you. And you can be my mama, ex boo, whomever. I just don't give a fuck anymore. And its not even really an option to talk to these people because they can't get outta their own feelings for one second to see that they are being complete assholes to people who genuinely care about them and want to see them doing good.

I love my mother to death but she petty, she got jealous tendencies, she dramatic, she will definitely lie when she feel like its necessary. She take everything personal. She treat  me like I've never done anything for her when I'm the only person who she can truly rely on to help her whenever.

I'm just not the type of person who know how to come back from people treating me poorly when I treat them very well. I can't help that people get mad when I treat them how they treat me. My mom has never made me a priority in her life. She was there for me when I had my surgery that time, but because I would have been there by myself if she wasn't. And still, she always think about that time as a moment that people should have been there for her and what she had to go through in dealing with me. When in actuality, I was fine. I was recovering but I was fine.

My attitude is just so different from my mom's and its hard for me to deal with her because she is very negative in her attitude right now and I just can't deal with it. It really makes me angry. She acting like a spoiled rich kid whose parents decide to send them to a third world country for the summer just to show them how good they really got it.

And everybody keep making excuses for her behavior. Oh it takes her a long time to recover. What that gotta do wit her being a bitch to people that are trying to make her feel better? If she wanna be a miserable evil bitch and cry and complain about an appendix surgery that went well and now she has to spend weeks recovering from, then thats on her. If she don't want to look on the bright side of things, then what the fuck can I do? She want somebody to sympathize with her but she being real depressing for no real reason. That makes it hard for me to sympathize cause its like you want to be sad. You want to be depressed. You want to sit around and think about people not doing this and not doing that. You want all the negative emotions you are feeling because if you wanted to be happy, thats what you would be trying to do. You would be trying to be nice to people. AT LEAST. You would be trying to get up and move around and do things. You would go sit outside during the day because it has been nice.

And again, its nothing I can do for someone who wants to be miserable. You can have all that shit. I currently got a lot of shit going in my life that makes me miserable enough, I don't need help. I don't want help.

Life is going to start looking up. I'm going to be re-reading these posts soon enough and think back on life like damn bitch you was really unhappy, I'm glad  you bossed up and made your life better for yourself. I'm glad you realized you can't save everybody and you're not responsible for people who want to be miserable just because that's what they are used to. I'm glad you're living your life and not letting people make you feel bad about it. I want to read posts on here that describe me having fun in life and not dealing with the fuck shit of others.

One day Lord. One day.

Ugggghhhhh

Some people really get on my nerves. I try to be nice and keep people on my good side but its like a never ending struggle to be that way. Why I always gotta bring out the me that don't give a fuck? People don't want me to be nice to them I'm starting to learn. Its the craziest thing in the world to me. Imma just really start ignoring people. Like really start making it very clear cause some people just annoy me to the point where I think about doing some real mean shit because its apparent they take my kindness for weakness. I don't understand.

I really need to hit the lottery for a couple million so I can just get the fuck and go enjoy my life. All these spirit draining, life complaining, my life more important than yours acting ass motherfuckers have really taken a toll on my spirit. I feel like I can't even be myself forreal. I can't even be nice. I gotta resort to the me that could care less about anybody else and all their life troubles that they swear my fault. Its so annoying.

And Im more annoyed now than ever because its like I continue to expect something different from people. Especially people who I've been nothing but nice to. And they never change. They never give a fuck. I'm the crazy one. Clearly. I keep thinking something gone be different. It never is and it only upsets me.

And I'm not even upset to the point where its bothering me emotionally forreal. I'm more mad that I believe over and over again that shit will change. This gift and a curse of having an optimistic spirit and mindset. Always looking at the bright side of things doesn't work because the reality of the situation is some people will NEVER give a fuck and some situations in conjunction with certain people will always leave me disappointed in myself for even believing them again.

And being honest rarely helps cause people rarely take the time to see your side of the story cause they too busy trying to defend theirs. I'm so sick of it. I know I stick with my story because one thing I try to do is be rational and honest with myself. Which leaves a lot of room in my stories for the truth and not my personal feelings. I could care less about being right in a situation, but you won't get away with trying to make me feel wrong when I know for a fucking fact that I am not. And even if I feel remotely wrong, I can admit it. I can apologize. And I can make up for what I did if there is a way that it can be made up to someone. I do the fucking work. No one else does and I'm sick of it.

This is one of those days where I just want to be around people who understand me. People who really know me. People who not always trying to manipulate me or take advantage of the fact that I am a REAL human being. I don't pretend to be hard. Or pretend to not be hurt. Or pretend that I'm happier being a ruthless selfish bitch who don't give a fuck about nobody but myself. Pretending that I don't need anybody. I'm just sick and tired lord. I need a permanent vacation from this bullshit. I can't take it. I need a new life lord. I don't wanna die though. lol.

I need some new scenery. I need some new air to breathe. I need some new interactions with people that are refreshing and make me feel like the universe is working in my favor cause right now, I'm just sick of everything. I can't pretend to be happy about shit anymore. I can't pretend that I'm cool with going with the flow. What do I have to do to get over this hump of life that is holding me back from where I know I can be? Its so frustrating and I feel so stressed and unattached from life. I don't feel like I'm living. I'm existing. I'm here for everybody's guilty pleasure. I'm here to pick up other peoples slack. I'm here to make other peoples problems my own. And when I try to get away from shit like that I get people wondering why I'm abandoning them. Why I'm ignoring them. Why I'm actually putting MY LIFE in the forefront of theirs.

Being a nice person has it perks but lord knows these are the down sides. People expect WAY TOO MUCH especially when I've gone above and beyond with little to no thank you or appreciation. If I could win the lottery, I'd be on first flight to a beach somewhere and probably would NEVER return.
Well i won't say never cause there are people whom I love who do look out for me and I dont' want to ever distance myself from them. So I'd come see them, but then I'd be right back to my private island where I don't have to worry about a got damn thing but myself.

I gotta keep reminding myself that as long as I am single with no kids the ONLY person i need to worry about is myself. Thats my only responsibility. Thats the only person who I need to be putting in an extra above and beyond effort to make happy and satisfied. I'm the only person who is going to ever really appreciate and reciprocate that effort anyway. Me and God. I guess God proud of me for one thing- I don't give up on people like I probably should. Until its very obvious and clear that me not giving up on them is hurting me more than it is hurting them.

Okay i'm tired of ranting. Just had to get that off my chest. I'll be okay once I just start doing what I need to do for me.

2015 still cool, i guess. lol

That great start kinda fizzling out but I'm still trying to remain on the sane side of life. lol.

I'm still working out and getting in better shape. I really gotta start going beast mode cause i'm maintaining but i want to lose a little more and tone up a lot. I've been doing research on how to do that so its just a matter of me getting off my lazy ass and making it happen. I worked out this morning and I always feel good about that.

My love life still shitty. I'm starting to believe that may never change. Its been bleek for too long. Ion know what lesson God tryna teach me in regards to my love life, but apparently I'm not getting it cause the fuck shit won't end. lol. I meet a lot of guys who pretend to be interested in me just to get some vagina. I probably assume most guys are like this but thats probably because I never feel like they genuinely want to get to know me. And that may be because I spend time with people I want to get to know and I guess I expect that out of others too. Its hard for me to believe you want to get to know me when all you ever really wanna do is fuck.

Awwww man, saying that gave me a glimpse into myself. Don't you hate those moments? Cause I do that shit too but I just don't get enough sex in my life so when I get the opportunity with somebody i like, idk how to act lol And I've recognized that within myself and I have been working on it. Don't know if I'm making any progress but I am working on it lol.

I think what I'm waiting for in my love life is for somebody to simply care about me. Like for somebody to take the time to think about me. And not think about me cause they dick hard, but to actually be like I wonder if Megan is having a good day. And if she not, I wonder what I could do to make her day better. I wonder if Megan wants to go have some fun with me tonight cause I know she be in the house bored as hell most of the time. I wonder if Megan wants some company cause I miss being around her. I wonder if Megan needs a mental break from life and would want to come spend the weekend with me. LIKE WHERE DEY AT DOE? WHO IS THINKING ABOUT ME BESIDES ME? lol.

And sometimes I think guys probably would be like that with me but they think all I care about is sex so they don't think about much else with me. I'm not gone fake and act like sex not important to me. I can't do it. I'm sorry. If Imma be with someone forever, sex gotta be on fleek. I want other things too but sexually I'm too much of a sexually expressive person to be repressed in a relationship cause I act like Ion care about sex. Cause i do lol

And I don't know how to come across in a better way. Somebody just gone have to love me for me. Some things I can accommodate to wade in the waters of the world but some shit, I got to keep cause its me. And being in a relationship that allows me to comfortably express my sexuality is something I need. And its not just sex. Its affection. When I'm really feeling somebody, I turn into a sex crazed maniac. I wanna lay up. I wanna do girly stuff. I wanna make him cupcakes and cookies and shit. I wanna try all the freaky shit that I think of with him. I'm very lovey dovey but in the beginning its going to come across as sex crazed maniac cause I don't get a lot of action where I can just lay up and fuck and feel complete. I can be that honest with  myself. If they can look over that part of me in the beginning and tell me no sometimes, and not assume i'm a nympho, we can make it. I know it lol.

That seems to be the hard part for me. Everybody scared they looking like hoes or wifing up hoes so people go through great lengths to come across as this person who just been sitting back waiting on God to send them the one. Cause enjoying a healthy sex life in the meantime is blasphemous. Everybody wanna be religious, but don't nobody wanna be religious. lol

I read somewhere how some King back in the day basically made up and adopted a new religion so that he could divorce his wife. Never mind just saying fuck what people think and being a leader of your own life and not letting anything dictate it. But basically finagle your way to what you want while keeping the image you presented to people who just gone find some new shit you doing wrong to focus on.

Soapbox. Sorry. Ummm, 2015 going good i guess. I just gotta figure out how imma get this money. What I gotta do besides play to win the lottery? is that it lord? lol

I'm off to a great 2015

Just a couple quick updates on my life. I've been doing more soul searching lately because I really feel like I'm at a point where I want to change things about myself for the better. I've been working out lately trying to get into shape so that I can really be in that two piece this summer. I been talking about that shit for years and have yet to make the necessary changes to do so until now. Since the beginning of the year, I've lost about 7-8 pounds by changing my eating habits and exercising. I'm very proud of myself and the progress I've been making and I cannot wait to see more results.

I've been being more selfish this year and looking out for myself and not overextending me for others. This year is all about me and I'm sorry to anyone who cannot understand that but me and the Lord know its WAY PAST DUE. But I guess its right on time in the same sense. I gotta do it for myself and I just hope and pray that the people who claim to love me will understand that I am trying to for once look out for myself entirely. I usually put myself on the back burner for others, but this year I have to work on me. Ever since my grandfather died, I really feel free to kind of start living my life again. I wanted to be there for him throughout everything and now I can see why I ended up back in Warrenton and I wouldn't change anything for the world. I got to be with my grandfather in his last days, and it felt good knowing that he could recognize and see how much I loved him and had his back. If no one else in the world understood me, it was him. And it was refreshing to finally hear somebody recognize me for the shit that I know I do in silence. My grandfather was my world for a long time and now I have the opportunity to go carve out my own life and its good to know he in heaven looking over me. Him, grandma and Chaise cause lord knows I need all the help I can get. And its funny cause they are probably some of the few people in this world who I know got me. And I miss them so much and I want to keep the party going for them and make a lot of money doing it.

Relationship wise, I'm still single. No real surprise since I do still reside in NC. I did meet this one guy recently that I really like. He's a lot younger than me but I fuck with him. I'm not exactly sure how he feels about me or what he thinks about me and idk if I'll ever even find out. He's cool though. Its weird because he is like everything I want in a man. He fine as motherfucker. I could just stare at him some days cause he so pleasing to look at lol. And his smile so sexy I just feel like sexing him all the damn time. He's funny as shit and playful and love that because I want a fun relationship. Not one where everything so serious or calculated or planned out. He dresses so nice, I fucking love it. Like literally everything I can imagine me wanting in a man is him. But again, he's young so who knows where his mind is at and that's understandable to me. If I can't have him God, can i just put in the word that as far as i know him to be, he's my type and I want one like him lol.

But forreal, being single hasn't been horrible. I'd rather be single than be in a meaningless, stressful relationship that does nothing for me. I haven't had any sex in 2015 either. Idk if this is a good thing or bad thing but I'm going with it for as long as I can stand it. I think about dick all the time, but I really only want sex when its late night and I'm in my room fingering myself and I feel stupid about it cause its so many dicks out here that I could be sitting on but I chose to be celibate for no real reason. I'm over me haha

All in all, 2015 is showing me how serious I am about some of my goals this year. But I guess so since I've had them for about 3-4 years now, if not more. I've always wanted to be able to wear and feel comfortable in a two piece swimsuit. I want to start going after more of my goals and dreams in life. I want to complete some of these processes. I want to share my passions with the world. I want to express myself. I want to be great. Ion want no mediocre. lol.

I wanna be ExtraORDINARY. Cause I'm really no different from anyone else, but I do want to go the extra mile and do what it takes to be able to live this life that I imagine. Traveling the world. Eating great food. Meeting even better people. Making connections. Living Life. Enjoying Life. No stress zone. Financial freedom.

And love that is reciprocated without me having to talk shit first. lol. Sad but true. I'm bout to go on a soapbox here but its like sometimes people only do stuff because they feel like if they don't, its going to have a negative effect. And for me, I don't make big deals out of shit so people just always feel like I don't really care. But to me, if you really fuck with me, I shouldn't have to. It should be understood that for my birthday, we should all come together and have a good time in celebration of me. Thats what I do for everybody else and their birthdays. Or at least try my best to. And I just never feel like I get it back in return. I will never forget my mama telling me she aint cook me nothing for my birthday because she had ate so much the day before. Thats the type of responses I get to shit. lol. But she went all out of her way to make sure she did something for my brother. Or even my cousin, who she told me she spent $100 on her baby shower at work. But I try not to let that shit bother me, but it does. And thats why this year, 2015, I chose to be a little more selfish in concern for myself.

My birthday last year wasn't bad but again, it wasn't necessarily what I would like to happen. I want a birthday where I can just show up and have a good time. Not one where I have to plan everything, invite everybody and then people halfway show up. Last year I cooked and did everything for my bday. My Aunt Lisa did come help me decorate and I appreciate that from her. But my own friends was late for my bday dinner. They came when it was over and I felt some type of way but it is what it is. I just plan things to be different this year. Hopefully people can take the time and money out of their lives to fuck with me for my birthday. That's all i really want from the people in my life this year. Just show me you fuck with me. Okay I'm done being semi-sad. lol

So Annoyed

Some people really just know exactly how to annoy the fuck out of me. When I'm done with a situation, nothing pisses me off more to have to continue to hear about the shit. Especially when I've been very vocal about shit and NOW you feel like you should have listened to me. NOW you feel wrong for what you did. NOW you realize that I wasn't being a nag but I was trying to help you out in concern for our relationship. 

Now you wanna admit that you know I was a good girl instead of tryna tell everybody how mean and crazy I am. Now you can see that you're over-reacting and being crazy about shit is what pushed me away. I tried despite ALL THE FUCK SHIT that went on between us because most of it was funny to me and I didn't take it seriously. 

I'm just so fucking sick of guys wanting to feel some kind of way about me after the fact. Why can't I find a man who want to appreciate a bitch like me? lol. 

I stay attracting men with these egos that definitely supercede themselves, and I think its because I like confidence in guys, but not false confidence. And maybe thats something i need to work on within myself. I need to work on being more confident so I can attract a man that can handle me. 

Because I think I give the impression that I'm this meek and mild woman that a guy can easily control and manipulate into whatever they want and a lot of times I do go along with shit but when I get to a point where going along with shit not working for me, then shit can get real. And most guys don't know how to handle that honest side of me. 

In a relationship, I don't mind doing the work but you not gone be pretending that you're doing what you're supposed to and expecting me to actually pull through for you. GOT ME FUCKED UP!

Cause one I'm not pretending to do shit, so if I'm not feeling like my efforts are being noticed then I'm out. I've put in too much time into relationships that were never going anywhere to waste another second on some bullshit. I can cipher through the bullshitters and wait for the right man for me. I've been single this long and I've even been enjoying myself so win/win for me either way. 

The lord gone bless me and I cannot wait. 

Expressing Feelings

Am I the only person who ends up feeling bad about expressing their feelings to people? Maybe because it always turns into an argument or bad situation. Its like people expect you to go along with shit just because you are in some form of relationship with them. Be it friends, a lover, family, co-worker, whatever. But the moment you open your mouth to express something a person is doing to bother you, you're being argumentative or mean or ruthless or whatever other negative action people wanna put on you for being honest about how you feel.

I used to be that person who just let people do and say whatever towards me and I just sucked it up and let it go. It was never bad stuff being said to my face, but me hearing about things being said about me behind my back or people treating me funny style. And I can always pick up on shit like that because I notice behavior of people. You don't ever have to express to me that you have a problem with me because I can normally tell by how you act towards me. And I used to be the type of person who would just distance myself from people who acted like they had a problem with me, especially if they never express it. But I have grown up a lot in the past couple of years and I appreciate relationships where we can talk about things and express how we really feel about each other- good and bad.

But I'm come to realize that not a lot of people are like that at all. They either do not know how to express their feelings properly, or they shy away from discussing their feelings all together. One thing about me is I can definitely put into words how I feel about someone or a situation. But sometimes it does come across as ruthless and insensitive to someone else's feelings. And I usually do feel bad about it afterwards but I know how important it is to be 100% honest about how I feel. If I think something is stupid, Imma say its stupid. If I think you're being an asshole, Imma say that.And maybe I need to work on keeping my mouth closed, but if you are repeatedly doing stuff, then its hard for me to do that.

I'm starting to really realize that people do not like hearing an honest opinion about themselves. I'm very conscious of my actions and I keep it real with myself. I do sometimes have a tendency to go off about shit when I feel offended or provoked and feel bad about it afterwards but I will apologize. It doesn't excuse my behavior but it shows that I acknowledge it and I want the person to know. I don't go off often. Its usually when I'm tired of ignoring some shit that a person continually does towards me that I do not like. And I oftentimes express that I don't like it way before I ever go off about it.

I guess I just feel like people don't respect or take me seriously. Its annoying and irritating. Even my own mama do it to me and I have to get loud and aggressive with her. That is not who I want to be. I enjoy being happy and in a positive frame of mind and not walking around mad at the world because I'm in my feelings about some shit. And I really try not to take what has happened to me in the past out on people in my present world. I think that is so unfair to others and I've had that happen to me and I never want to treat somebody a certain way just because of how others treated me.

I had to change to protect myself in a way but I'm still me. I'm still nice and sweet and willing to do just about anything for somebody else. I just chose to look out for myself and make sure its not inconveniencing me or that people are just trying to take advantage of me. And I usually wait for people to show me what their intentions are with me before I ever assume anything about them. I go off of how I am treated and I adjust accordingly. And if its too much for me to deal with, I will just peace out.

This time I think I will be upfront and honest about how I really feel despite feeling like the person is not going to receive what I have to say very well. But I do want it to be known why I am choosing to distance myself from someone who I feel brings a lot more stress into my life than happiness and peace. Its just hard sometimes when you do like a person and you can have good moments but it never lasts long enough to even enjoy it. I don't want to be in that type of relationship.

I want a relationship that lifts me up and makes me feel good about myself. A relationship that allows me to be the person I want to be. A relationship that has freedom and we both understand and get why. A relationship where we can communicate honestly. A relationship where we can respect each others feelings and trust that the other is not trying to control or get the upper hand in the relationship. A relationship where we understand that discussing our issues with each other is not about winning an argument but about trying to understand where the other person is coming from. A relationship where me and the person mesh well with each other. I can have a good time with just about anybody but I want a relationship that goes beyond that. A relationship where we both are willing to do the work to make it work. A relationship where the other person actually takes the time to get to know me. A relationship where I don't have to always explain myself. A relationship where my partner knows that I gonna always look out for them but I'm not going to babysit them. A relationship where my man acts like the grown man he swear he is. A relationship where we just connect and actually get each other. A relationship that only God can cultivate. A relationship that allows me to be myself.

I want to be sweet and lovey dovey and affectionate and all over my man. I want to be happy and want to enjoy spending time with him. I know everything not gonna always be unicorns and glitter but for the most part it should be. If I have to spend my days being mad and arguing because I know you don't want to talk about shit, then thats probably not the relationship for me. I would honestly rather be alone. It's been just me all this time and I don't have a problem going back to it. I will miss the company but I will get over it.

I just don't know what to do these days but I do know I need to make a decision for myself. And its leaning more towards me being single than being in a relationship that is not doing anything for me but getting on my damn nerves.

Vent Session: Love Relationships

One thing about me that I know is I cannot be with a controlling person. I have always known that about myself and I make sure to let people know that I cannot be tamed.

First of all, if I'm in a relationship then I really like the person. I must have a good time with them and can see us turning it into something for the future if I even consider them being my boyfriend. I'm not the perfect girlfriend. I don't sit back and allow you to do things that I do not like and make excuses for it. If I have a problem with something, I will express it. I will do it right then and there and I will make a mental note if you chose not to do anything about it. I can usually get over most things, as long as they do not continue to occur. When something continues to occur that I have a problem with and you just brush it off like its nothing, then that creates an even bigger problem to me. So the next time its brought up, I'll probably be more angry about it because I feel ignored.

One thing I hate about my current love relationship is that the person chooses to antagonize me and make me feel like a bad person. So when I go off about shit, he plays the innocent role and will switch a story up just so he can WIN the argument. When shit wasn't even really an argument to me until he started trying to WIN the argument. If I can't express how I feel without it feeling like we're arguing then I can't deal. I really can't.

And its always something so fucking simple. If somebody brings up a topic to you and you ask a question and they respond "Don't worry about it. You don't need to know that." And so when I question why they even told me in the first, and they reply I just thought it was ironic. WHY BRING IT UP TO ME IF YOU'RE NOT EVEN GONNA TELL ME ABOUT IT? WHY? WHY? WHY? Especially when you know I hate that shit. That's so irritating to me. And then when I start going off about it and you start trying to shape the story to fit your story and I call you out on that shit too and then you get mad and say I'm always tryna argue and start shit. NO BITCH, you always doing dumb shit that start shit.

I just really cannot stand when somebody try and tell me what I'm doing. I'm me so I'm very well aware of the shit I do and 99% of the time when somebody try and accuse me of doing shit, it be the furthest thing from my mind. Another argument that started was because I erased a text out of my phone that contained a phone number I needed to call my boo, and couldn't call because I didn't have the number. The first thing I said to him was give me the number because I erased it out of my phone without thinking about it. And then I mentioned how if he got a phone like he said then we wouldn't have to jump through so many hoops just to talk to each other. And he took offense to that and said I tried to blame him for not being able to call him. I told you why I couldn't call. Its nobody fault because its not even that deep to even blame somebody. It wasn't a problem. I solved the problem by asking for the number but still didn't get it.

I'm just over dealing with dumb ass shit. I'm not an argumentative person but you not gone put no dumb shit on me just because of what you chose to think. Shit can get real and I think when I get like that people don't know how to take it because it does seem to come out of nowhere, but it rarely ever does. I just be so annoyed by the fact that if I'm telling you I don't like something and you continue to do it, then just leave me the fuck alone. Simple. I'm not about to keep reminding you about some shit I don't like. Imma just stop fucking with you because explaining myself to somebody who thinks I'm tryna control them will never end well.

I'm controlling when it comes to myself but people are allowed to make their own decisions and if I'm telling you that bringing shit up to me and then not answering me when I ask questions about it pisses me off and you continue to do it, why wouldn't I be mad about it? And why would you have a problem with me telling you about it?

And people always look at me like I act like I do no wrong but the difference with me is when I feel like I'm wrong, I will admit it. Or if I feel like something I did made you feel some type of way, I will apologize and try to fix it whether I thought I was wrong or not. But for somebody who always gotta be right or WIN in some way, I can't deal with. I hate that shit.

And people love making me look like the bad person but it always backfires in their face because I don't treat people badly. I don't even be thinking about shit like that at all. Most times I just be in my own world thinking about nothing forreal.

I'm just really at a point in my life where I can't stand a bunch of shit and it irritates my soul. I can't be with somebody who stay in everybody else business more than they in their own. Or somebody who swear they don't be doing shit and be doing some crazy ass shit. Or somebody who try their best to control me but its gonna backfire in their face EVERY SINGLE TIME. Play dumb with the people who you can get over on, I am not the one. I'm just over it.  And the bad part is I always feel bad after expressing myself. I always feel like I was wrong for getting upset. I always feel like I should have just let it go again but I be tired of letting shit go. If people would stop doing the fuck shit they do towards me it wouldn't be a problem.

I'm very go with the flow. Very chill and cool about shit. And a lot of shit I keep to myself instead of making a big deal out of it because I know how I can be nit-picky and I like things a certain way and I try to let people live. But you not about to inconvenience me so you can get your way. And then put it on me when I speak up about it and you say I'm always tryna get my way. If I don't speak up about it, what I want will never matter to somebody who only give a fuck about themselves.

I can't stress to guys enough, IF YOU WANT A GIRL WHO WILL DO WHATEVER YOU SAY, I AM NOT THE ONE. If you want to be in a relationship with somebody who you can beat in arguments and just gone shut up and bow down to what you say, I AM NOT THE ONE. If I'm so bad, just LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!

I know how to handle shit in a good way, but if you get argumentative with me, then why would I not get that way back. I guess the lesson in this is to learn how not to let people upset me so much. I'll just let them think what they want and move on. That is all I can do. I'm not gonna continue explaining myself to someone who doesn't listen to my explanation anyway. All they are waiting for is their moment to respond and explain. They don't want to understand. And that is fine.

Sigh

For some reason today I am feeling very depressed about where I see my life going. And I don't really know why because its not really bad but I just feel like I won't ever be satisfied. It's so many things I want to do with myself but its hard for me to figure out how to get there. Essentially I am so tired of working a job. I've been working a job since I was 14, so that makes 14 years that I have been getting up out of my bed and doing what other people want me to do. I'm so over it but I believe its so ingrained in my head that this is what I should be doing that I really don't know how to shake it. And because I have bills that have to be paid, I don't see it as something that I will ever realistically be able to let go off. Some days I really wish I could just hit the lottery so that all my financial worries can subside and I can just do what I want every single day. And most people would call that me being lazy and even God might be giving me the side eye but it is really how I feel deep down.

I hate school. I really do not want to go back because it is more of a hassle to me than something that will be beneficial. It would help me get a good paying job but the root of the problem is I'm tired of just being somebody else's worker. I think I'm so much more than that. I want to be my own worker. I want to feel like an asset to an organization and not just an entity that could be replaced at any moment. With my last job at University of Maryland, I could see that the work I was doing mattered. People appreciated me. Not everyone of course, but the ones who did really made me feel like I meant something. My current job rarely makes me feel good. I have to fight so hard sometimes just to not be labeled the bad guy that it really takes away from the accomplishments and achievements I do make.

I think I'm just tired of being the savior and having to put myself on the back burner for others. I want to work towards building the life I want. I want to be the person I want to be. I want to decide how my work day will go. I want all directives to come from me. I know being my own boss would allow me to do that and I believe I would be happy. And I know in my current job, being my own boss would NEVER happen. I'm just tired of doing support work. I'm tired of having to put on a smile and talk to people day in and day out. I'm tired of having to be at work doing nothing when I could be somewhere making moves for myself. And the real sad part of the situation is I have no better opportunities that would allow me to pay my car note, insurance, phone bill and debts off each month. I feel stuck and I hate feeling stuck. And I really feel like I am going to be stuck for a while now because what else can I do? I have a plethora of skills but I do not know how to monetize them. I don't know how to convince people that I am worth giving their money to. I don't know how to get over this hump that I am feeling inside.

I want so much more for my life and I feel the determination inside me to get there. I just don't know how to get there. I need to do some more soul searching because it is really eating at me that I am not feeling like I'm doing what I should be in life. Maybe its just me and I am right where God wants me to be and if I am, I will try to suck it up and enjoy it. But if its not, like I think it is, then God please help me do what I need to in order to get there.

Amen.

That Moment (Old Post)

When you want to make a response to something, but you want it to come across in a cordial way. But its not really a cordial way to say what you feel needs to be said...

Yeah I'm there right now. Because real shit, anybody who wants to label me as crazy and drama-filled and negativity are welcome to make whatever decision they want behind that. And that comes across like I don't care but to me, don't let our friendship make you feel obligated to fuck with me. If you think you would be better off not associating or dealing with me, then I'll remove myself from your world. You won't EVER have to worry about me again. I'll provide that service for you. But when I walk away, please know, aint no coming back. Ain't no apologies. Ain't no I was going through some things and blah blah blah. Aint no I was drunk. Or I let this person get in my head. I'm not gonna care. Imma say whats up and keep it moving. Because if you wanna treat me like you don't know me personally, I can do the exact same.

"Live wit it. Now you gotta roommate" -Big Sean.

August 1, 2013 at 11:42 in MD

Know Me

Listen...
You got me fucked up forreal.
I'm come from a bloodline of killers, my first instinct is to kill.
Okay, I'm lying, we some lovers, but you can get fucked up still.
I'm trying to love you, but you working my last nerve.
What did I do to deserve
this shit?
I can't even be mad.
I probably should be glad cause its sad but I know the life we could live more than likely would turn out bad.
What we had was a fad.
A glimmer of hope in a world gone mad.
My soul mate.
I'm afraid to admit that to you.
But sometimes it feels like I'm connected to you.
No Martin Luther King, but I be having dreams and a psychic told me once that you're not the one for me and even she can't see why I put up with you.
I don't know whats up with you,
but you got me FUCKED UP
forreal.
The shit I deal with nobody would and you know thats real.
Your bitch mad at me cause she know how you feel.
Classic babymama shit.
Like I don't even know how you put up with it.
You a good one.
Can't knock a man for trying and I won't.
Give the side bitch role to someone who want it cause I don't.
You don't get it.
But you will.
One day you'll be on Facebook being nosey and run across a picture of me and my fiance posing.
You'll be stuck staring at the screen frozen.
You're not gonna wanna believe it until you notice
how hard I'm cheesing.
You're gonna remember that smile forever
because that'll be the moment you realize the chances of me coming back are NEVER.
I'll be out of reach.
You could call me but I probably won't speak.
I'm a faithful woman, I don't even wanna cheat.
And you know that.
And you got me fucked up forreal if you think I would blow that,
FOR YOU.
I put my life on the slow track FOR YOU.
You know what nigga?
FUCK YOU.
I'm tired of explaining.
You a fucking headache, I'm tired of migraining.
I'm reinstating my pimp card on your ass.
You just play games boo, I. COULD. TEACH. A. CLASS.
Know me, cause listen...
You got me FUCKED UP forreal.

2013 reflections- Its been real!

So today is New Year's Eve and I feel the urge to reflect on a couple things from 2013. If i had to describe this year in a couple adjectives I would call it transformative, eye opening, and life changing. Despite the fuck shit I had to deal with early in the year with Tiffany and Deron, the year was filled with lots of laughs and good times. I didn't travel much. Went to Charlotte, myrtle beach and dc of course. Strengthened a couple friendships, me and Sharnece recognized that our friendship meant more than some nigga. And that really meant a lot to me because people don't normally chose me. She knew my character and stood up for me and I will always love her for that. That's friendship to me. I even made a few new friends. I met Carlton who scares me even though he seems like a nice guy. He scares me mainly because he's probably everything I want in a guy including ambition but only time will tell. He's focused on his career right now and I'm not mad at that. Shit, I'm focused on me and my career too. I can't have the love life I want right now so I may as well go after my other dreams. Other dreams to include establishing myself as an up and coming screenwriter. Better yet, up and coming creator of wonderful life changing profitable things. I plan to be innovative and a visionary. Steve jobs the movie and documentary I watched was so inspiring. That's me all day. To be able to give the world something that will change their life for the better and represent a brand that's all about creativity, innovation and impacting the world is so me. I feel like I did a lot of soul searching this year and got rid of dead weight and emotions that were holding me back. I'm in a good place mentally and I couldn't ask for a better start to 2014. The possibilities are endless. The opportunities are just waiting for me to arrive so they can take me on an adventure that I will absolutely love and be amazed by. I really feel like something special is gonna happen for me in 2014. I feel like this is my moment. I feel like I gotta get down to business. I'm not sure how to get started but I know god will make sure I find the way. I'm really ready to achieve something for myself. I've always been the type of person to look out for and help others get what they want out of life. I've been practicing for years and now it's time to put it to use for myself. Imma have to be even more reclusive this year to get what I need to done. I have no real complaints about my job but I would love a new offer for a better position that works within the realm of what I actually want to do. I am interested in computer science but I'd rather build an it team that works together on projects rather than trying to accomplish everything myself. I would have to learn too much stuff when it's people who know exactly what to do. Hopefully this Microsoft teaching experience will open up doors for me to branch out into a different world that better suites me. I love my city. Warrenton has my heart for life and I will always rep my city but in order for me to do better, I gotta get away. I could comfortably live there for life. But I wouldn't be satisfied knowing that I just settled and didn't at least try to achieve my goals in life. Emphasis on my because I have a tendency to get sucked into other peoples lives and I'm over it. I wanna live for me. I'm finally starting to feel comfortable about it. It used to make me feel selfish but I know now that is just the worlds way of tryna keep you down. I know selfish people and I'm mother Teresa compared to them so I know my heart is in the right place, I just gotta get there. And with gods help and the universe conspiring to make all my dreams come true, I'm so ready to start 2014. I'm debating now about whether I should go home or stay in MD. I only wanna be here because I might get to see my boo again before I leave. But that's not even up to me. That's all on him. Like I really need to be starting my New Year's Eve off with him lol. Despite how crazy it is, I still love him like I used to. Seeing him always confirms it and I know he feels it too. It's outta my control though so i gotta live with it. When god sees fit to send me the man of my dreams, I just hope and pray I'm able to recognize and appreciate it. I just wanna be happy. 2013 has definitely taught me that I have to keep a handle on my happiness and stop letting others steal my joy with their shenanigans. I gotta keep my distance most of the time because I am sensitive and it's very easy to throw me off my game or make me feel some type of way. Keeping positive uplifting supportive people around me is so crucial to my spirit remaining happy. I gotta remember that. I gotta protect and stand up for myself. I have to look out for me. I know god got me but I have to stay on my toes. Especially when dealing with shady people. Another life lesson in the books. In fact, 2007-2013 has been nothing but life lessons. That have brought me back to me. And it's crazy cause all of this is stuff I've always known but needed to register for myself. It has made me stronger and better than ever. I feel like Megan 2.0 forreal. The same me, just an updated version. A more grown up version. Still ratchet as ever just more well defined grown up goals. I've been transformed kinda back into the person I've always been. But at the same time, even better. And man I was great back then, so lord knows it's only a matter of time before I'm back on top again. Hopefully I've created some good karma to carry over with me in 2014. I wanna make some money. Like some real money. Like go online and book flights for my people to meet me out in Fiji money. Money that changes lifestyles. Not people, just the lifestyle. I still wanna be me, no matter what. I wanna create. Any and everything. I wanna impact the world Ina Steve jobs kinda way. That's super ambitious but hey, Steve jobs didn't become Steve jobs by being scared of a lil work. He became Steve jobs by putting in the work. By being himself and making sure his vision was carried out despite everything! And he wasn't afraid to go off and look crazy in front of people because he knew his vision would be successful. He knew it would change lives in a positive way. He believed in the possibilities and worked with others to make it happen. That's true character. That's determination. That's everything. I want that type of pioneering spirit to take over me in 2014. I don't wanna be a bitch. But I do recognize that I will have to be aggressive and expressive. I want what is for me. Not sure what that is yet but I'm willing to find out. I know it's going to be wonderful. And concerning my love life, denario marcel Williams is my heart currently. I really love him and it shows every time we have a moment together. Not sure if it's supposed to be like this or whose fault it is, or who needs to fix it but I do know I love him. And again, only time will tell. Him quitting weed is a good thing. That's really all he needed to do to leave. That's all she could say and now she cant. It's gonna open a door for him that he couldn't see before. Hopefully. God please show him that door! Well no I take that back cause idk if he wants to leave forreal. I guess you can show him the door but it's still up to him whether he will walk through it or not. Lord make him walk through it for me lol! Can I be selfish? Lol honestly, I'm still not over his babymama telling me I didn't stand a chance. Let her know god! Only I can limit myself. I had just as much chance as she did. In fact, I gave you the opportunity you have. Cause shit could have been so much realer but my love for Marcel wouldn't let me act up like I wanted to. I just can't believe I'm still on this guy lol. Love is something else. I know people go through shit but got damn. And idk where any of this is gonna take me but I trust God so I'm ready for whatever. No weapons formed against me shall prosper. 2014 will be the start of some wonderful ness. I cannot wait to get it started. Peace and blessings to myself and others. Amen. Thank you god for such a wonderful year. I wouldn't change a thing. 2014, let's go get em! 

Frustrationnnnnnnnsssss....

In my Miguel voice.

I woke up from a dream last night so mad and irritated. I had to meditate this morning because Lord knows I would be in a fucked up mood if I didn't. I'm still not my normal cheery self and I think people can tell. lol.

I am becoming more and more frustrated with a lot of things. I need a change of scenery. I'm not to the point where I just want to quit and say fuck everything but I can feel it coming.

I need some adventure. I'm getting bored with life again. The students give me a little excitement for the day but otherwise, I'd rather be anywhere else but here. I have a fear of getting stuck here. I'll be like Whitehead. lol. Been leaving WCHS for at least 10 years now and still ain't went nowhere. I dont mind being here but Lord, Imma need a man, so I can start a family. That is about the only incentive I see to staying around here.

Otherwise, I have got to get the fuck, and since I have not met anybody here that is even remotely worth staying around here with, I gotta go to Plan B.

Don't ask me what Plan B is yet. I'm still trying to figure that out myself. Well no, Plan B is these screenplays. I got to get on that somehow. Thats gonna be my claim to fame. My door into the lifestyle I want to live. I think, lol. We gone see. Basically thats where I'm at in my life right now. Doing a bunch of we will seeing. lol

Which is not bad but its not all that good either. But hey, no risk, no reward. God send me on an adventure. I'm ready for something new and exciting and different and amazing and JUST FOR ME.

Let me know what I need to do. Amen. Thanks for everything. You know I'm beyond grateful.

My Thoughts in Poetry form

I need to talk to a couple real niggas who know me.
Cause I'm tired of people making me feel like I'm phony.
Making me feel like I'm lucifer. Lord tell me what did I do to her?
I don't get it. Probably never will.
Not a sociopath, but thats something I'll never feel.
You can't tell me I'm a bad person.
And if I am, who am I out here hurting?
What am I out here doing? Explain please before our friendship is ruined.
I don't assume. I wait for people to tell me the truth.
And when you do, don't try to discredit the proof.
I knew my role in your life when I agreed to play it.
It is what it is, I'm just not afraid to say it.
Give and take relationships are the norm, thats not the issue.
Fucking with me like its a secret is what makes me dismiss you.
I'm trouble in your world, but you painted that picture.
You drew all the side eyes that look at me different.
So its hard to believe that you give a fuck when you always searching for moments not to give a fuck.
Cause if you cared, self defense wouldn't be your mechanism.
My feelings weren't attacking you.
It was all about clarity. And I said that to you.
But I'm negative. I'm drama filled.
Whatever man, lets be real.

Real Shit

I'm gonna have to get a couple second opinions from people who know me very well so I can gauge if I should be an asshole or not. Because my first reaction was expected. I knew what kind of response I was gonna get and I was hoping for something more understanding. I should have known better though. My second thought was to start explaining myself. To defend myself. But to me, thats besides the point. Even though it would help my case to literally refute every statement with proof. I could literally do that but its my word and not necessarily proof, so at the same time, it would be irrelevant because the issue is nobody believes me anyway. And I'm a very honest person. I'm not necessarily upfront with everything. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. But I don't hide how i'm feeling either. I keep shit under control until I feel its necessary to bring it to the light.

I'm just really confused as to how to proceed with what I want to say. Because the asshole in me is like go head and say what you really wanna say. But the person that still kinda cares is like be tactful and diplomatic. Have some couth. So I'm torn between "the asshole" and the "the human being" sides of me. And honestly, I don't know if either one actually even cares though. I'm getting a little don't give a fuck from both sides because for one, I'm not a bad person. And number two, I'm definitely not a bad person to her. And number three, I specifically stated my intentions so to put the label of drama or negativity to what I said, is fucking crazy. Period. And thats what bothers me the most about everything. Even still, after I sat here and said if your only response is to call me crazy or make me feel bad, then don't respond. Make me understand because right now, all the shit that was said, came from a personal point of view. Everything I said was flipped in a way to try and make me feel bad for my feelings. My feelings work fine like I stated. And they don't come from anywhere.

Like the fact that no matter how close our relationship is, I'm going to always be my cousin's cousin. Period. She said that. And she never wanted to know any of us in the first place, but she dealt with it because Terrell was so adamant about it. You look at us like family but you deal with us accordingly. Accordingly how? Treat us like family but still be acting like we out to get you for whatever reason. My family don't operate like that, so I'm confused. If I treat somebody like family, I bring them into my world. I accept them for who they are. I don't make them feel bad for what they chose to do. I believe what they say, and even if they try to manipulate me, its funny. I say no and move on. I treat family differently and that might be the disconnection I'm feeling.

I could really break it down and explain but I don't know if I even care to though forreal. And its funny because everything she said is exactly why I feel the way I do. So I know my feelings are valid because she brought the shit up that was always sketchy to me. So there's no way that she can escape or come up with an excuse when I present it to her. But she's just gone think I took everything she said and flipped it for my purposes. But I'll know, and thats good enough for me. Like I'm not tryna argue. I don't even wanna discuss it anymore. I'm over it. Sadly. For our relationship because the feedback that I'm getting lets me know that I care more. It basically confirms what I was thinking. And I don't really know how to express that in a nice way. And I don't want to argue or make things worse. But I don't really see a resolution other than we'll probably just grow apart. I don't know to what extent, but its very apparent to me that everyone looks at me like i'm a negative person in her life and thats fine. They can think what they want, but the fact that she looks at me like this negative,drama filled person is fucking insane and I don't really know how to cordially deal with that shit. I'm not that advanced yet.