Real Shit

I'm gonna have to get a couple second opinions from people who know me very well so I can gauge if I should be an asshole or not. Because my first reaction was expected. I knew what kind of response I was gonna get and I was hoping for something more understanding. I should have known better though. My second thought was to start explaining myself. To defend myself. But to me, thats besides the point. Even though it would help my case to literally refute every statement with proof. I could literally do that but its my word and not necessarily proof, so at the same time, it would be irrelevant because the issue is nobody believes me anyway. And I'm a very honest person. I'm not necessarily upfront with everything. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. But I don't hide how i'm feeling either. I keep shit under control until I feel its necessary to bring it to the light.

I'm just really confused as to how to proceed with what I want to say. Because the asshole in me is like go head and say what you really wanna say. But the person that still kinda cares is like be tactful and diplomatic. Have some couth. So I'm torn between "the asshole" and the "the human being" sides of me. And honestly, I don't know if either one actually even cares though. I'm getting a little don't give a fuck from both sides because for one, I'm not a bad person. And number two, I'm definitely not a bad person to her. And number three, I specifically stated my intentions so to put the label of drama or negativity to what I said, is fucking crazy. Period. And thats what bothers me the most about everything. Even still, after I sat here and said if your only response is to call me crazy or make me feel bad, then don't respond. Make me understand because right now, all the shit that was said, came from a personal point of view. Everything I said was flipped in a way to try and make me feel bad for my feelings. My feelings work fine like I stated. And they don't come from anywhere.

Like the fact that no matter how close our relationship is, I'm going to always be my cousin's cousin. Period. She said that. And she never wanted to know any of us in the first place, but she dealt with it because Terrell was so adamant about it. You look at us like family but you deal with us accordingly. Accordingly how? Treat us like family but still be acting like we out to get you for whatever reason. My family don't operate like that, so I'm confused. If I treat somebody like family, I bring them into my world. I accept them for who they are. I don't make them feel bad for what they chose to do. I believe what they say, and even if they try to manipulate me, its funny. I say no and move on. I treat family differently and that might be the disconnection I'm feeling.

I could really break it down and explain but I don't know if I even care to though forreal. And its funny because everything she said is exactly why I feel the way I do. So I know my feelings are valid because she brought the shit up that was always sketchy to me. So there's no way that she can escape or come up with an excuse when I present it to her. But she's just gone think I took everything she said and flipped it for my purposes. But I'll know, and thats good enough for me. Like I'm not tryna argue. I don't even wanna discuss it anymore. I'm over it. Sadly. For our relationship because the feedback that I'm getting lets me know that I care more. It basically confirms what I was thinking. And I don't really know how to express that in a nice way. And I don't want to argue or make things worse. But I don't really see a resolution other than we'll probably just grow apart. I don't know to what extent, but its very apparent to me that everyone looks at me like i'm a negative person in her life and thats fine. They can think what they want, but the fact that she looks at me like this negative,drama filled person is fucking insane and I don't really know how to cordially deal with that shit. I'm not that advanced yet.