My Newest Life Quote to Live By

“If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” -Audre Lord

BTW, Valentines Day semi-sucked

So I didnt get the dream V-day as I expected, but it was definitely better than last year. I got sad around 11:00 pm and wanted to cry myself to sleep, but I sucked it up. Fuck it. I'm tired of crying and all that sad ass girly shit. I have bigger and better things to be worried about right now. Having a significant other will have to be a goal that I put on hold for now. Until I am out of the situation that I am in because it wouldn't work right now anyway. I have too much shit going on. I need to FOCUS.

You wanna hear the Good or the Bad first?

I know I complain on here a whole lot but its my only real way to get out how I am feeling at the moment. And I guess that I am not satisfied with where my life is right now, and everything that is going on, so yeah, i come across like everything is shitty, but its really not.

Let me talk about the good things first...

I found out yesterday that I am HIV Negative. That was a big sigh of relief. Not that I thought I had HIV, but because I know I haven't been practicing safe sex as I should be. I know better, and after that I will make a very conscious effort to be as safe as possible. Its scary that you can't be 100%, but I will try my best to prevent what I can. TMI- Condoms aren't really my vagina's best friend. So I almost rather not have sex at all than to use condoms. They just cause complications with me that negatively affect enjoying sex. I was also told by the doctor that I have a healthy vagina and cervix. So as far as my sexual health goes, I am in good shape. As far as I know, I have to get some more results back, but I'm praying that all goes well too. And as far as I know, my overall health is in good shape as well. Thats always a plus. Health is very important.

I have a job that allows me to make money to support myself so that I can survive and purchase things that I need first, and some small things that I want.

I am provided with a place to sleep at night and somewhere to shower. It is not my own, but I appreciate the fact that I am not homeless and living on the street.

I have people such as my mother, family and friends, who I know love me for me. And I know they know me and my character as a person, and they really do appreciate me and love me for who I am.

And I have my relationship with God.

Okay, thats all the good things I can think about for now. Now bad...well not necessarily bad, but the things that I would definitely want to change in my near future...

I need to get my own apartment and car. I hate living in a place where I can't do what I want. I can't have company over. I can't just cook and eat whatever I want. I can't live comfortably like that. Without a car, I can't go where I want to go. I get tired of walking everywhere, and having to catch the metro, bus, or cab. I can't go home and see my mama and family when I want to. Its very frustrating to me. I am not the wait around for people type. I like working on my own time, and the situations that I am in right now, are not allowing me to do that. I understand that when I deal with other people I have to work with them, but if it is something I want to do, I don't feel like I have to. Imma get what I want, how I want it. And I will try my best not to step on any toes or leave anyone out, but I don't have time to be waiting around. Life is too short.

I am frustrated with the fact that everyone wants to depend on me for stuff. And I hate when people do that forreal. I am not always gonna be there, so whereas I understand you may need my help, I can't always be the one to save you. Shit, I can barely fucking save myself these days because of all the saving others that I am doing. And on one hand, I dont mind because I genuinely want people to do better for themselves. But I want them to do it, and be the one's responsible. Not me. Nobody owes me shit. I would help a stranger on the street, just as soon as I would help my own mother. And thats alot of the problem with why I can't help myself, because I care too much about others. I inconvenience myself alot so that other people can have the things they want. I'm tired of doing that. I'm tired of listening to everybody and their problems and they shit that is going on in their lives. They all call me and talk, but I don't really feel like I have someone that I could talk to, except God. I am so misunderstood. lol. And its mind boggling to me because I am very simple, but you would think i was the most complicated bitch alive.

I won't even get into the subject of Love. I could talk that shit all day, but it still won't change anything. It still won't make anything that I want to happen, happen. I really just have to leave that all up to God and wait for him to send me the right person. Because I am tired of dealing with the guys that approach me. Well I don't actually even deal with them at all, but I'm just tired of even paying attention or trying to just because somebody is a "nice" guy. Fuck niggas for right now, I have way more important shit to do for myself.

Because this era of my life that I am in right now has got to come to some type of conclusion soon. I can't take it much longer. It is really driving me crazy. And I'm trying to do things that make my situation better, but I can't forget that I am in this situation. I would rather suffer instead of pretending that everything is fine, cause this shit is not fine to me. This shit is not okay. This is not how I envisioned my life and I refuse to let it go on any longer. I have got to do something about it. I have to devise some type of plan to get me out of this situation and start working towards it. Because right now it is very hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel, shit I dont even see the tunnel right now. Thats how bad it is. I'm in a Catch 22 type situation. At least thats how I feel. I can't really help myself right now. I had planned on using my tax money but since Uncle Sam was like no money for you this year, I'm back at square one.

Its my defeatist attitude that I am trying so desperately to get over. I've always liked immediate results, and shit just not working out for me like that. I am going to have to work hard for everything I get. Well everything that I get that means something to me. I could have shit easy, but I don't want this easy shit. I don't want to feel obligated to anybody, or want anybody to feel obligated to me. I have to get my shit together. I know it. I been knowing it. But its hard especially when I have to keep up with all the things I have to do to maintain my life right now. I have to act like I give a fuck about a lot of shit that i just dont right now. I want to give a fuck about me, but everything around me is like care about me first. i gotta get on some tunnel vision shit forreal. I gotta get on that "I dont see nobody like a headshot" (c) Lil Wayne. Because that is the only way that I will be able to make some shit happen for me. I don't want to accept anybody else's vision of me. I want to establish my own. And that is the main goal for me at the moment. That will be my new boyfriend. Getting my shit together, so that I can get in a place where I feel comfortable, at the least. Because right now nothing is comfortable to me. No matter where I go, I can't really be myself and do what I want without regard to someone else. And its not coming from a place of selfishness but just from a place where I feel I need to look out for me right now. I'll be back to my regularly scheduled program of helping others, but i have to help myself first. Because I am just unstable right now and I know it. My mind is in the right place, I'm just not. I gotta get it together if I ever want anything to change. I have no choice at this point. its now or never.

I'll be living for everyone else forever, if I dont start living for myself. I have to keep reminding myself that.

The Ideal Valentines Day for Me

Okay, so I tried writing this in a perspective of me telling what my ideal would be, but I think it would be better and easier for me to write coming from a hindsight perspective. So this is what I would like to be saying on February 15th about my Valentines Day.

Friday, February 11th to Monday, February 14, 2011

I am still in shock about everything that has happened this weekend. Never in a million years did I imagine him to do anything like this. Okay, maybe in my wildest dreams, but never in my actual reality. I had faith in him, and God, of course, but this was even more than I ever expected from him. Shoutout to God, because I know I really owe it all to him. Miracles do happen. I believe now more than ever.

For a long time, shit just has not been as we would like it to be. If I had my way is an understatement. But after everything, it finally seems as if I will have my way, and Thank you god, I cant say it enough. Last year had to be the worst Valentines day in the history of Valentines day for me. When i finally thought I was gonna have a real valentine, God was like NOPE, not this year. lol. I can laugh now, but in that moment, everybody in that house could have came up missing forever. And I thank God for allowing me to remain as sane as I did, because everything in me wanted to go crazy, but all I could manage to do was cry.

But that is neither here nor there, because this Valentines day made up for every shitty Valentines day that I have ever had thus far. Every single tear, every single 'I hate Valentines day' and all that has been erased from my memory and has been replaced with the events of this past weekend. I will love Valentines day forever now. No longer will it be the day that reminds me of how single and alone I am, but it will remind me of how far we have come, and how much love we have accumulated for each other over these past few years despite everything, and how much love we are both ready and willing to give to each other for the rest of our lives together. I will finally be able to associate Valentines day with Love, as it should be, and not loneliness, as I always have.

Valentines day marks another chapter in my life journey. A chapter that I feel like I have been preparing for my entire life. I'm finally here. FINALLY. You don't know how good it feels to be able to say that. I'm in the right place, at the right time, and it feels soooooo good! In my wildest dreams it was all possible and for a long time, I felt that my dreams were all I would be able to have. I held on to him despite everything, even my own better judgment, because I do believe that love conquers all.

And even though some things happened that I would have never imagined, I can love it all for what it is, because it got us to this point, and I wouldn't have it any other way. It all was worth it for this one moment. The culmination of everything that I have been working hard and patiently towards for the past 3 years. Did I doubt it at times, yes. But deep down I knew he was the one for me, regardless of what people wanted to make me believe because of what happened. And he knows I am the one for him, regardless of what people want him to believe too.

You can't help who you fall in love with. I tried to resist it for so long, but I was in love the moment I laid eyes on that man. Seriously, my first thought when I really noticed him was "He gone be my future boyfriend" Which for me, pretty much says he gone be my future husband. I knew it from day one, but I fought it as long as I could. And now I dont have to fight it anymore. And I dont want to. I want to love him. Forever. And yesterday marks the beginning of forever. And I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.

I LOVE THAT MAN!!!! THANK GOD FOR EVERYTHING!!!!

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Side note:

The details of the days aren't really important to me. I won't really care what we do, as long as I get to do it all with him.

*fingers crossed*

A Glimpse Into My Mind Right Now

Where do I begin...

Life is crazy, and right now I feel like I am waiting for the opportunity that I been wanting all my life. To have a husband, family, kids, relationship, all that. I've peeked through a couple windows, but I can tell its not really what I am looking for. Everybody wants to control me. It is the craziest thing. Or I know I could control them. Nobody wants me, and who I am and want to be. Its very discouraging. Sometimes I do feel doomed to be alone forever. I try not to think of it that way, but i refuse to settle. I know I could make myself love just about anybody. I see the good in everybody. But I also have a hard time ignoring flaws and shit that I don't like. Which is why I have to be able to deal with a person's flaws if I am going to be with them. And so anybody who off the break trys to control me or tell me they love me, I'm instantly turned off. And I am convinced that is not a bad thing, but is it a good thing? Are my wants making it hard for me to find someone who will love me for me. I don't really want much. I can live with a lot of things. But I can't live with a man who does not respect me. And respect for me covers a lot of points, from cheating, being honest, communication and just allowing me to live my life as I chose. I dont like to have too many expectations of people. That is a set up for failure. I can only have expectations of myself. What I will and won't do. I can only draw my lines. And I expect my man to be able to draw his own too. I dont know. I guess I just know how serious Love and all that shit is. I feel like I am the only one sometimes. Its not about love anymore, shit is about survival. Love is about business relationships now. Not personal, at all. But for me, love is as personal as it gets. How can you have love, if its not personal? You not suppose to just love people when its convenient for you, you just suppose to love. And especially when it comes to relationships and marriage, how do you expect a business relationship to last when its all circumstantial? once the business is up, or once you dont feel the need to be apart of the business anymore, the love is gone. Thats why I feel that Love has to be personal when it comes to relationships and marriage. Love should be the one thing that motivates you. Love for yourself first, then for others. You can never go wrong that way. Love conquers all. I do believe that.

Well I do want to believe that. A lot of my life experiences have kind of made it hard for me to see that. But I guess as long as I keep loving myself, i cant go wrong. I will find the one for me. I kinda think I already have, and I hope he has come to the realization, but not everything works out in my favor. And like I said, I dont want expectations to have me all in my feelings if shit dont turn out how I want it to. I am trying to remain biased about everything but its hard when i know deep down what i really want. But because of circumstances beyond my control, I cant have it. And i think thats what frustrates me the most. I can understand everyone's mindset in the situation, but at the same time, we wasting time here. We wasting lives. Nobody is really enjoying whats going on. We all miserable, yet nobody is taking any steps to get where we want to be. In my case, the situation is out of my hands. I guess everyone feels like it is out of their hands. Everybody waiting on a miracle from God. And I dont know if thats good or bad either. Maybe we at that point where a miracle is the only thing can restore the natural order. But i feel like God wants us to solve the problem. or he is waiting for us to do it. But my hands are tied, his hands are tied, and its all on somebody else. I just pray that God allows her to do the right thing for everyone. not just for herself. but for everyone. And that love is allowed to conquer.

Im not usually selfish and I will give up shit so that other people can be happy at my own expense, but at the same time, I have to go for what I want. I have to look out for me, and if it means me being selfish about some things some time, then okay, i can live with that. I gotta look out for number one. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Its okay to be selfish sometimes.

I have faith that things are going to work out for me. I always get what I want. Maybe not right when I want it, but I always get it. God knows my heart. And thats all that matters.

Let me be patient. Let me be kind. Make me unselfish, without being blind.

Current Mood: I Don't Even Know

I am feeling some type of way right now. I hate that phrase but it fits because I can't exactly put my finger on how I am feeling. I want to cry, but I don't at the same time. I don't know how I want to feel. I woke up this morning, actually missing somebody. Like Officially. I been missing him, but its really hitting me now. And its so bad that I actually want to just go somewhere and cry about it. To at least get my feelings out.

I don't know how else to deal with this bullshit. I'm trying not to do my normal just saying fuck it and pretend like these feelings don't exist. But feeling them doesn't make me feel any better. And I know why I feel the way I do. It's all me. But I cant escape me, so how do I escape these feelings?Cause right now I wanna cry. And thats it. Lord knows I don't need to be angry anymore. I have officially decided to let that go.

Little Black Book

"If we are to share our lives together, why didn't we share our lives? I know you don't have to tell me everything, but why wouldn't you want too?"

I've always thought that was one of the realest movie quotes I have ever heard. It made perfect sense, especially in the setting of the movie, but in life and love, as well. Why don't we want people to know how we really feel? Why are feelings these big secrets that we aren't suppose to share with others? In my experience, feelings can be wonderful or they can be devastating. In the realm of love, its usually either Love or Hate. When everything is good, everything is great. But when things are going bad, everything seems to be doomed forever. We don't even recognize that we do not have these feelings because of other people, we have these feelings because of things within ourself. Because of the thoughts we think. And these thoughts create the feelings that we experience, and determine whether we will have good feelings about something or bad.

Which is why a lot of times in relationships, we are scared to express our feelings because we are not taught to be emotional. Women are given more leeway in the realm of emotions, but control has always been key. How many times have somebody said something to you and you think what gives this person the right to say that to me? But they have every right, because that is how they were feeling. Good or bad. But you also have every right to let them know how you feel as well. It goes both ways, but we have been conditioned that we should treat people nicely, no matter what. And that is where the issues begin. Nobody has any right to dump on someone because they are feeling some type of way. And you don't have to take it. You can speak up because there is nothing wrong with defending yourself.

That is the basic principle that they do not teach us, because they do not want us to know. If we let people know how we feel, then we start to feel better about ourselves. And when people feel better about themselves, they want to do better for themselves. It is no wonder there are so many institutions that were designed to keep people feeling like they have no choice. And Love is no different. We stay with people because we feel like we have no choice or either because we fear losing them. And we do this only because we are afraid to express how we really feel about a situation, in fear of the negative consequences, or because we do not want to expose our true self to others. But if you really love someone, why wouldn't you want them to know the real you? Why work so hard to pretend to be something that you are not, when you can effortlessly be yourself? You know what you want, you know what you like, you know what you can deal with, and what you can not. Why do we leave it up to other people to try and make us happy when we are the ones who know exactly what makes us happy? Happiness is not something you should have to work at or sacrifice for to achieve. Happiness should be something within yourself that you always have, no matter what goes on outside of you.

To survive in life, we have to do things that we would not chose to do on our own. Working a job that we hate to buy the things that we need is one major thing many people have to learn to deal with. Nobody ever fully accepts anything that they have to do, they only deal with it. They focus on the aspects that appeal to them, and try to avoid the ones that remind them of how much they would rather be doing something else. You never forget what you want to do. Your wants may change, but you will never be happy doing something you did not want to do. You can be satisfied and have moments of happiness, but you will not be happy in spirit. And everyone has their threshold of how long they can hold out on their happiness, but eventually your spirit will reach its breaking point. Which is why you hear about men who go through mid-life crisis, and up and leave their families with no explanation. Their spirit couldn't take being denied happiness anymore, and it forced them to make changes.

Life is all about learning from mistakes, not avoiding them or ignoring the message that the universe is trying to send you. Your first instinct is what you should always go with. You have doubts because you have fear. You can't go wrong when making decisions that come from a place of love for yourself first, and then for others. You really do have to know how to love yourself before you can really love and be able to share your life with someone else. You cannot be afraid, if you are going to love, you have to love with everything you got. You can't second guess anything, you have to know you are ready to be yourself, so you can allow the person you are with to be them self, and you can both be comfortable with sharing your selves with each other.

CHURCH.

smh. Boys. ugh.

He never ceases to disappoint me. He didnt answer the phone last night as expected. His silly mad ass. I have never in my life wanted to just fucking choke somebody to death. Until Him. I find myself daydreaming about murdering him all the time. I just wanna kill this niggas. He does the dumbest stuff ever.

How can you possibly be mad at me for JOKING AROUND, but yet, shit is real for you. And just because I don't say anything, it doesn't mean that shit doesnt bother me. Because it does, but I assume that my feelings dont matter. So I dont bring them up.

I know him too well. He doesn't want to admit to me that he cares because I know he assumes he shouldn't. And he really shouldn't. But just like with me, it is hard not to care about somebody when you've spent time with them like that. So he reacted to my comments, first with an attitude and madness. Then once he realized I knew he cared, he switched to acting like he didnt care about my comments. HE ALWAYS DOES THIS. It never fails. Showing any sign of emotion is weak to him. He only does it when he feels he has to.

I understand him so well that when he does stuff like this I don't even really get mad because I know where its coming from. So I feel bad for making him believe I was gonna fuck his co-workers. But I wont let him continue to blame shit on me like everything that went wrong in his life was my fault. Like I really think he blames me for it. At least some aspects of it. But I cant make any life decisions for him. Anything he decided to do, he decided to do. At first I thought maybe he was on his life path of accepting responsibility, but the more I talk to him, the more I realize that he is not. Everything is everybody else's fault and it just leaves him to deal with it. Thats what he believes. I know it.

I wanna save him. I do. I really do. And I think I will try. Because I know he feeling like he don't have anybody right now. And so I feel bad that I faked my not caring. Maybe thats why I still care. Maybe that is the reason. Maybe thats why I'm getting all these insights on him, and for the most part, they all have been true. But the hardest thing to do is going to be getting him to really talk to me. To just trust me because for some reason he doesn't. I dont know. Imma pray for him and this situation. I just want him to be happy. And I can tell he is miserable.

so confused.

The more I think I understand him, the more he proves me right. I knew he would feel some type of way about me saying I was going to make one of his co-workers my new boo. And he reacted pretty much as I expected, but I didn’t. I thought maybe I wouldn’t care. Maybe him acting like he cared wouldn’t bother me, and I would be able to just dismiss it like I do other guys. But he was different. Again. I felt bad. Especially after he started accusing me of being different, and saying I have changed. And I know exactly what he is talking about. I get this all the time. He is not used to this me. He has never seen this Me. He is used to the Me that likes him, not the me that does not care. And maybe that is mean of me to assume that he didn’t care, but how could I ever tell he did. Like I have a conscious and I do feel bad because I know he feels that I just want to talk shit, and get my sodas, and that I don’t really care. And that’s the furthest thing from the truth, but I also don’t know if I should let him know that. I don’t want to put myself back in a crazy situation that I know won’t end happily for me. Because I will never be able to have what I want. I can get it when I can, but never when I want. And that’s what I won’t like. I can’t go back. I said it. And I know I shouldn’t be talking to him,but I also know that I probably will. Shit, you live and you learn right? I don’t wanna make the same mistake twice , so I guess I better learn as much as I can from this situation. Like I find myself wanting to talk to him just to see how its gonna make me feel. Like testing everything just to see if I can handle it for myself, because I am going to have to be able to handle the situation. Because I can’t expect him to handle it for me. At all. I know that much now. But he can suck me in so easy, I know it. When it comes to him, I am weak. And the only way this will work is if I can keep my emotions uninvolved. But I am going to talk to him. And try my best to explain this all to him. Because he needs to know that its all an act that I feel I should be putting on for myself and for him. Because everything is what it is. I don’t see anything changing. And I guess that is what I have to keep reminding myself. I cant be living in hopes of stuff to happen., I just have to live. Do whats right for me. And see what happens. I mean, I care for him for a reason. Guess I will find that reason out later.

Told You...

I knew it. I said it plenty of times. This guy was gonna be the one to completely break my heart. To just rip it out my chest, stomp on it, and not even give a fuck. Well at least thats what it seems like.

And honestly, Im not that devastated. Because I knew it was coming, but I tried to ignore it. And thats my fault. I know the exact moment I should have got out, but I didnt, and thats my fault too. I could blame him for everything, but then I'd be walking around here mad at the world, and for what? For events that I cant change. I cant make somebody grow up, because thats the real issue here. He think he taking care of his responsibility but the way he is going about it will bite him in the ass in the long run. He's making decisions based on only himself, and he's not considering anyone else's feelings, but his own. And like I said, its only gonna hurt him in the long run. But whatever, I cant save him. I tried, but he wont listen. So whatever.

But what hurt me the most was the way everything went down. How everything ended, well not really ended, just stopped. Cause there was no ending. I still dont know what to think. Or what I should think. Because i want to believe that he is a dog, and everything was a lie for some ulterior motive or reason. But then again, I want to believe that he did really have feelings for me, but the situation was too much to handle. And I can understand that. But he didnt give me the chance to. And still won't, and thats what hurts the most. He assumed a lot of shit about my character and it was all wrong. I actually thought about him before I thought about myself.

I guess all i really need to know for myself so that I can move on, is what category to put him in. The niggas aint shit category, or the we could have been great category. but either way, i need to put him somewhere so I can stop thinking about him all the time. I wanna move on, but i know I wont be able to until I get the answer to my question.