Let me talk about the good things first...
I found out yesterday that I am HIV Negative. That was a big sigh of relief. Not that I thought I had HIV, but because I know I haven't been practicing safe sex as I should be. I know better, and after that I will make a very conscious effort to be as safe as possible. Its scary that you can't be 100%, but I will try my best to prevent what I can. TMI- Condoms aren't really my vagina's best friend. So I almost rather not have sex at all than to use condoms. They just cause complications with me that negatively affect enjoying sex. I was also told by the doctor that I have a healthy vagina and cervix. So as far as my sexual health goes, I am in good shape. As far as I know, I have to get some more results back, but I'm praying that all goes well too. And as far as I know, my overall health is in good shape as well. Thats always a plus. Health is very important.
I have a job that allows me to make money to support myself so that I can survive and purchase things that I need first, and some small things that I want.
I am provided with a place to sleep at night and somewhere to shower. It is not my own, but I appreciate the fact that I am not homeless and living on the street.
I have people such as my mother, family and friends, who I know love me for me. And I know they know me and my character as a person, and they really do appreciate me and love me for who I am.
And I have my relationship with God.
Okay, thats all the good things I can think about for now. Now bad...well not necessarily bad, but the things that I would definitely want to change in my near future...
I need to get my own apartment and car. I hate living in a place where I can't do what I want. I can't have company over. I can't just cook and eat whatever I want. I can't live comfortably like that. Without a car, I can't go where I want to go. I get tired of walking everywhere, and having to catch the metro, bus, or cab. I can't go home and see my mama and family when I want to. Its very frustrating to me. I am not the wait around for people type. I like working on my own time, and the situations that I am in right now, are not allowing me to do that. I understand that when I deal with other people I have to work with them, but if it is something I want to do, I don't feel like I have to. Imma get what I want, how I want it. And I will try my best not to step on any toes or leave anyone out, but I don't have time to be waiting around. Life is too short.
I am frustrated with the fact that everyone wants to depend on me for stuff. And I hate when people do that forreal. I am not always gonna be there, so whereas I understand you may need my help, I can't always be the one to save you. Shit, I can barely fucking save myself these days because of all the saving others that I am doing. And on one hand, I dont mind because I genuinely want people to do better for themselves. But I want them to do it, and be the one's responsible. Not me. Nobody owes me shit. I would help a stranger on the street, just as soon as I would help my own mother. And thats alot of the problem with why I can't help myself, because I care too much about others. I inconvenience myself alot so that other people can have the things they want. I'm tired of doing that. I'm tired of listening to everybody and their problems and they shit that is going on in their lives. They all call me and talk, but I don't really feel like I have someone that I could talk to, except God. I am so misunderstood. lol. And its mind boggling to me because I am very simple, but you would think i was the most complicated bitch alive.
I won't even get into the subject of Love. I could talk that shit all day, but it still won't change anything. It still won't make anything that I want to happen, happen. I really just have to leave that all up to God and wait for him to send me the right person. Because I am tired of dealing with the guys that approach me. Well I don't actually even deal with them at all, but I'm just tired of even paying attention or trying to just because somebody is a "nice" guy. Fuck niggas for right now, I have way more important shit to do for myself.
Because this era of my life that I am in right now has got to come to some type of conclusion soon. I can't take it much longer. It is really driving me crazy. And I'm trying to do things that make my situation better, but I can't forget that I am in this situation. I would rather suffer instead of pretending that everything is fine, cause this shit is not fine to me. This shit is not okay. This is not how I envisioned my life and I refuse to let it go on any longer. I have got to do something about it. I have to devise some type of plan to get me out of this situation and start working towards it. Because right now it is very hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel, shit I dont even see the tunnel right now. Thats how bad it is. I'm in a Catch 22 type situation. At least thats how I feel. I can't really help myself right now. I had planned on using my tax money but since Uncle Sam was like no money for you this year, I'm back at square one.
Its my defeatist attitude that I am trying so desperately to get over. I've always liked immediate results, and shit just not working out for me like that. I am going to have to work hard for everything I get. Well everything that I get that means something to me. I could have shit easy, but I don't want this easy shit. I don't want to feel obligated to anybody, or want anybody to feel obligated to me. I have to get my shit together. I know it. I been knowing it. But its hard especially when I have to keep up with all the things I have to do to maintain my life right now. I have to act like I give a fuck about a lot of shit that i just dont right now. I want to give a fuck about me, but everything around me is like care about me first. i gotta get on some tunnel vision shit forreal. I gotta get on that "I dont see nobody like a headshot" (c) Lil Wayne. Because that is the only way that I will be able to make some shit happen for me. I don't want to accept anybody else's vision of me. I want to establish my own. And that is the main goal for me at the moment. That will be my new boyfriend. Getting my shit together, so that I can get in a place where I feel comfortable, at the least. Because right now nothing is comfortable to me. No matter where I go, I can't really be myself and do what I want without regard to someone else. And its not coming from a place of selfishness but just from a place where I feel I need to look out for me right now. I'll be back to my regularly scheduled program of helping others, but i have to help myself first. Because I am just unstable right now and I know it. My mind is in the right place, I'm just not. I gotta get it together if I ever want anything to change. I have no choice at this point. its now or never.
I'll be living for everyone else forever, if I dont start living for myself. I have to keep reminding myself that.
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