Because lord knows I attract some of the most depressed motherfuckers. lol. I get it in a sense because I'm essentially living a life that I want to change for the better in various ways. I don't mope around because of it. I'm not out here tryna party and act like shit ain't real. I'm just chillin tryna take life one day at a time but everybody around me seems so depressed. Like I was so excited to be where I am for this month and for my birthday. I was ready to have fun, have a good time, show out and experience the city FOR ONCE. I actually had money and I was ready. Everybody knew I was coming and we decided to do this and that, and we went out of course, but that's nothing different from normal.
And the crazy part about it is people be looking at my like its my fault we haven't done shit. I'm like I've been waiting for yall. Every time Im excited to do shit, this person don't have money and that person don't really wanna go. I don't have much to work with. And its nobody fault. I'm not mad, I'm just over depressing and broke people. lol. I need some happy life living motherfuckers who don't mind spending money in my life. Those are my true kindred spirits. lol. I feel sad as fuck right now for no real reason. That's the real sad part lol. I have fun in my spirit but it must be some spirit demons stealing my joy around me or something cause GOT DAMN. lol. I don't know where I belong. I leave NC to come have a life and get here and do less and spend more money than I probably would have if I just stayed my ass at home. I always end up like this for my birthday. I'm depressed. I need a money and fun miracle in my life right now. That would be love.
Until next time...
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
That Moment
When you realize all your hard work has amounted to NOTHING. And all thats left for you to do is walk away and begin anew. I feel sad, angry, frustrated, mad, hurt, just super super emotional in a not so good way. Its not necessarily bad because I need something to click in my head, and I think this was really it for me. And I think what is really becoming a moral crisis to me is that fact that I have been trying to care for years despite how much I wanted to say Fuck it, because I was really in love. To me thats the definition of Love. I don't give a fuck about much but I always try when it comes to love. I just rarely succeed lol.
Its almost like the more I love people, the more they push me away. And the more I don't care, the more they want me around. I don't operate like that. If I love you, I want more. If I don't, then I want less. I may very well be the crazy one, but thats how I work. And I don't really understand anything else. I've been trying to get it. But forreal one of the craziest things in the world to me is people who chose to stay and stick around people who are bad for them. Like the situation with me and my friend fits that category. I think she appreciated the shit I did for her and the fact that I tried to be a good person, but at the same time, hated me for it because it only magnified how fucked up she really was. So therefore in her mind, I was purposely trying to make her feel bad or look bad. When that was so not the case. I never try to make anyone feel anything. I prayed away negativity and her ass was the first to go lol. It is what it is.
But back to the point I was trying to make. I just can't seem to get any magic going in my love life. I've been cursed lol. Venus in Virgo says it all. pray for me lol. Thats my only hope forreal. I'm too calculating with love but that shit is such a risk and in my past experience, I'd be better off being a bachelorette for the rest of my life. I always get guys who wanna be in love with me from day one, or they wanna fight being in love with me. They not used to somebody like me so they assume the worst. Story of my love life. I've even been in situations where a guy swear he love me and wanna talk to me but he has a girlfriend, then as soon as they break up, he went and got another girlfriend and said fuck me. And of course, that new girlfriend said fuck him, and then he tried to come back to me and I had to walk away. I have stories like these for days, months, years lol. I must have broke a lot of hearts in my past life cause Lord knows I just don't deserve this treatment. lol. I'm laughing but I'm so serious.
Am I doomed to life of fucking around with niggas forever? I so wanna settle down, you wouldn't know it from how I act, but I only party and shit like I do because what else should I be doing? I don't have any kids. I don't have any huge financial responsibilities. I don't have a man. I have one friend that I actually hang out with and she's in another state. I work from time to time on coming up with a great business idea and model and I reward myself with fun. I be on it and that probably sounds like the life to somebody with more serious and rigid responsibilities but the set up of my current life is all circumstance. I'd rather be with my boo, building a life together, creating a home and family, arguing about dumb shit like whose turn it is to take out the trash, and what to eat for dinner but I don't know any men who want to do that with me. And that makes me sad. All guys that I've ever tried to fuck with on a serious level always make me feel like they decided to fuck with me because they probably should. Its like idk what it is about her, but I should probably keep this bitch on my team. And thats it. Im always just a team member. Never a starter, never a franchise player. I'm the secret weapon niggas pull out when their team fucking suck and they need an extra boost to get them through to the next level. I'm clutch. I make shit happen. I'll turn some shit around and get us through the fire. But as soon as we reach the other side, I be the only one there. Maybe I expect too much. But I would never abandon a person that has always been there for me. Especially if they've always treated me good and made me feel loved. I make a conscious effort to do that for people, not for myself, but for them.
And I guess I'm getting to the root of my problem. I never feel treated good or loved. Just this morning me and my mom had a "moment" because I was trying to meditate this morning and she walked in a ruined my vibe by cutting on a light after I said, don't come up in here turning on lights. And then when I get up to turn the light off, she looking at me like Really, you want me to keep the light off. Do I have a tendency to say shit and not be serious about it? I must do because no one takes me seriously. I have to go off and talk shit and channel my natural inner asshole before people take heed to what I say. And then they just label me crazy afterwards. And I'm like I don't be wanting to act like this, but people don't get that just because I try to be nice and understanding doesn't mean that I am. I'm really a bitch. I really don't care. I'm out here tryna provide a service to the world by being nice because most people don't. Most people don't give a fuck. Most people feel like their problems are so much bigger than everyone elses. Most people think its okay to go off on somebody just because of how they feel. Most people are cool with being a bitch because it just means they know what they want and are willing to do whatever to get it. I'm not. I don't want to take advantage of a person's fear or weakness to force them to do what I want them to do. thats the way of the world, but that shit is so wrong to me. If anything we should be trying to help people get over their fears and work through their weaknesses, and that way you can feel good knowing the person decided to be with you because they wanted to, not because you played the game so well.
I can never get accustomed to treating love like its a game. Because to me, its not something you should play with at all. It should always be about expressing honest feelings and creating real moments. You know real love is some good shit cause people will pretend and play roles forever just to appear like they got it. You gotta draw a line to that fake it til you make it shit. Some shit you can get away with, but love is not one of them. You know when that shit is real. You don't even have to have any prior experience with Love to know when its real. I even think you can have a fucked up view of love and still know that its fake and shouldn't be like that. Because even if you never loved another person, you probably have loved something in life. You may love to play video games, or sports. Or you might love talking shit. Or you might love how it feels after you leave a concert. And all those good feelings you get from doing things you love, you will NEVER forget. So for people to tell me they don't care about love, or believe in love, or trust love or whatever, I don't understand because we all love something and we know how good that something makes us feel. And thats just as much a real love as falling in love with a person.
I'll even go a step further and talk about my love of money. When I have money, I'm the happiest person alive. When I don't, shit sucks. I'm not necessarily unhappy when I'm broke and poor, but I know I can be much happier with money. lol. But at the same time, money is not the end all, be all to my happiness. If I never made another dime, I could still be happy because there are people and things to do in my life that mean more to me than money ever will. Money just affords me the opportunity to spend time with people I love and do things that I love. Thats all it is for me. Its a tool. Just like instagram is a tool that allows me to keep a record of all my good times. Or how Google is a tool that keeps answers to my questions at my fingertips. Or my cellphone is a tool to helping me keep in contact with people. Money is the link to me being able to do things I want with people I love. And whereas that link is very vital to myself and my happiness, I still could never let it control me. I could never be happy in a situation where I have access to an unlimited source of money but I had no one to really share it with. I could always look out for strangers or do charitable things of that sort, but it would mean more to me to help out someone that I knew personally. I guess I could get to know someone personally and achieve the same result. I guess. In fact, now that I think about it, people who don't know me, are more appreciative of my help and support. And a lot of times, I'm not overly helpful to people who know me because they'll just sit back and want me to do everything.
I think I just have a problem with the people who know me. I get no respect from them. They'd rather fear me and all I want is to be loved and respected. People treat me like a dictator when I'm really more like Project Manager. I guess I could come across like i'm barking out orders and my way is the best way, BUT I would never recommend somebody do something that would harm or hurt them or set them back in any way. I'm always looking out for everybody else best interest. I don't normally reflect on my life in association with someone else's so I can give advice that will better someone instead of keeping them where they are. I'm always looking out for people or doing that something extra, requested or not, and I just never really feel like I have that here on earth. Caretakers and givers of the world need love too. Through God I've found a couple people throughout life who I can honestly and truly from the bottom of my heart say that I know love me and as long as I am me, they will. My mother and brother and his fam is one group of people. My new friend Danielle. My cousins. My aunts and uncles. My old supervisor Nora. My old friends Quita and Sharnece and Courtney. I've generalized some of these groups and some of the people are a lil sketchy, but i do believe that at the end of the day, they want me to do well for myself. Whether they are helpful or supportive about it. I don't assume that these people wish bad things on me. I know Nora prays for my wellbeing and success. I think my mom does too. I need to start praying more.
This is the longest random post ever but this is my mind right now. All over the damn place. I been crying since 2:30 am last night and I don't even really know why. I'm trying to figure it out. I'm just sad. Im not good with taking emotional losses. My persistence has a tendency to hold on to things longer than needed. I'm hurt. I want to be bitter. I want to be spiteful. I want to be petty. And I was basically given permission to do all those things BUT I can't. I really can't. And I think thats why I'm so frustrated, because I really do put forth the effort to be a good person and to handle shit in a good way, but I always get the short end of the stick. Im always left to deal. Everybody else go on their merry way like shit sweet and I'm suffering emotionally because I can't shake being mistreated or disrespected as quick as other people. That shit really bothers me and I always just ignore it. I distance myself or walk away from a situation. And I think this time I would go unnoticed because thats what I been doing. I wanna say something. I wanna scream. I wanna yell. I wanna fight. I wanna let it be known how I really feel. Because people never notice when you walk away, they just notice what you don't do anymore. The notice your presence is gone. And it takes a real person to admit they were wrong or admit they could have handled shit better. Thats what people do when they appreciated your presence and they miss you and want you back in their life. And I think the situation I'm in now is so sad for me because he's not gonna care. I've walked away from this nigga a million times. He knows I love him but he told me he doesn't want me to care anymore.And I wanna not care SO BAD, but that shit is not in his best interest lol. I don't know how to just turn it off. Or how it turn it down. Either I care or I don't. I don't know how to halfway care. I don't know how to fake my feelings. I know how to not show them but I don't know how to not feel them.
My feelings are so important to me that I could never discredit them. Its been times where I was like wtf were you thinking, but at the end of the day, I know my feelings work properly. My mind and ego be on some other shit. When something makes me angry, I get upset. When somebody tells me a story, I can feel if it was some bullshit involved. When I'm happy, I'm on top of the world. If I'm excessively worried about something, I know its a real risk involved. I don't understand how people can live a life where their feelings dont matter. They have to feel like they don't matter. I used to be like that. And I still feel like nobody gives a fuck about me and my feelings. But I care. And if I care, I can at least stand up for myself and feelings and not let people discredit it just because it doesn't mean shit to them.
He really hurt my feelings yesterday. If I had wrote him a love letter, he wouldn't have called me with a soliloquy. He would have ignored that shit. But I send him a message talking shit and I get a response right away. Its sad. For him. And for us because I don't want to be in that kind of relationship. If the only way I can get you to do stuff is to nag and talk shit until you are tired of hearing my mouth, then its a problem. I can go find a motherfucker who will listen the first time. I don't need that stress lol. I don't even want to be that person. Thats not a good place for me lol. I can be a bitch forreal given the right circumstances and I don't want to become accustomed to being that type of person all the time. Bitches be mad at the world for any and everything, I just wanna be happy. I wanna keep a real smile on my face naturally. I just wanna be so happy that I can't not be happy. lol. I felt that way when me and him first started talking, I remember I came home one day and my cousin broke my laptop, and my cousin boyfriend at the time, broke my dvd player. And my boo was mad at me because I wasn't mad at them. I'm like they're poor, they can't replace it, its no need for me to be mad. Its okay. lol. I didn't give a fuck, I had my boo, thats all i cared about lol. I'm not material at all. Love may not pay the bills, but shit, if Love not involved, I don't think the bills worth paying. And I really believe that lol
I'm a different breed. I've recognized it a long time ago. And I rarely find people who get me. I'll continue to search though. Its funny because I need somebody loving and supporting but that shit makes me so uncomfortable at the same time because I don't know how to respond to it because I'm not used to it. I know how to be loving and supporting but I don't know how to receive it. I need to work on that. Maybe that will be my breakthrough moment. Lord knows I need one. I haven't given up faith wise, but i need a reminder why doing the right thing is so important. Or doing what feels right. Are they the same thing? I need blinders cause I just get caught up in other people getting what they want through fucked up purposes, and how easy it seems. My poor little heart won't let me do evil things so I guess I'll continue on this path of righteousness. God please allow me to see the light, I need to know its there because this tunnel seems super long. Or maybe I'm just driving super slow. Whatever it is. Please help me see it. Amen. Love ya, thank you!
Its almost like the more I love people, the more they push me away. And the more I don't care, the more they want me around. I don't operate like that. If I love you, I want more. If I don't, then I want less. I may very well be the crazy one, but thats how I work. And I don't really understand anything else. I've been trying to get it. But forreal one of the craziest things in the world to me is people who chose to stay and stick around people who are bad for them. Like the situation with me and my friend fits that category. I think she appreciated the shit I did for her and the fact that I tried to be a good person, but at the same time, hated me for it because it only magnified how fucked up she really was. So therefore in her mind, I was purposely trying to make her feel bad or look bad. When that was so not the case. I never try to make anyone feel anything. I prayed away negativity and her ass was the first to go lol. It is what it is.
But back to the point I was trying to make. I just can't seem to get any magic going in my love life. I've been cursed lol. Venus in Virgo says it all. pray for me lol. Thats my only hope forreal. I'm too calculating with love but that shit is such a risk and in my past experience, I'd be better off being a bachelorette for the rest of my life. I always get guys who wanna be in love with me from day one, or they wanna fight being in love with me. They not used to somebody like me so they assume the worst. Story of my love life. I've even been in situations where a guy swear he love me and wanna talk to me but he has a girlfriend, then as soon as they break up, he went and got another girlfriend and said fuck me. And of course, that new girlfriend said fuck him, and then he tried to come back to me and I had to walk away. I have stories like these for days, months, years lol. I must have broke a lot of hearts in my past life cause Lord knows I just don't deserve this treatment. lol. I'm laughing but I'm so serious.
Am I doomed to life of fucking around with niggas forever? I so wanna settle down, you wouldn't know it from how I act, but I only party and shit like I do because what else should I be doing? I don't have any kids. I don't have any huge financial responsibilities. I don't have a man. I have one friend that I actually hang out with and she's in another state. I work from time to time on coming up with a great business idea and model and I reward myself with fun. I be on it and that probably sounds like the life to somebody with more serious and rigid responsibilities but the set up of my current life is all circumstance. I'd rather be with my boo, building a life together, creating a home and family, arguing about dumb shit like whose turn it is to take out the trash, and what to eat for dinner but I don't know any men who want to do that with me. And that makes me sad. All guys that I've ever tried to fuck with on a serious level always make me feel like they decided to fuck with me because they probably should. Its like idk what it is about her, but I should probably keep this bitch on my team. And thats it. Im always just a team member. Never a starter, never a franchise player. I'm the secret weapon niggas pull out when their team fucking suck and they need an extra boost to get them through to the next level. I'm clutch. I make shit happen. I'll turn some shit around and get us through the fire. But as soon as we reach the other side, I be the only one there. Maybe I expect too much. But I would never abandon a person that has always been there for me. Especially if they've always treated me good and made me feel loved. I make a conscious effort to do that for people, not for myself, but for them.
And I guess I'm getting to the root of my problem. I never feel treated good or loved. Just this morning me and my mom had a "moment" because I was trying to meditate this morning and she walked in a ruined my vibe by cutting on a light after I said, don't come up in here turning on lights. And then when I get up to turn the light off, she looking at me like Really, you want me to keep the light off. Do I have a tendency to say shit and not be serious about it? I must do because no one takes me seriously. I have to go off and talk shit and channel my natural inner asshole before people take heed to what I say. And then they just label me crazy afterwards. And I'm like I don't be wanting to act like this, but people don't get that just because I try to be nice and understanding doesn't mean that I am. I'm really a bitch. I really don't care. I'm out here tryna provide a service to the world by being nice because most people don't. Most people don't give a fuck. Most people feel like their problems are so much bigger than everyone elses. Most people think its okay to go off on somebody just because of how they feel. Most people are cool with being a bitch because it just means they know what they want and are willing to do whatever to get it. I'm not. I don't want to take advantage of a person's fear or weakness to force them to do what I want them to do. thats the way of the world, but that shit is so wrong to me. If anything we should be trying to help people get over their fears and work through their weaknesses, and that way you can feel good knowing the person decided to be with you because they wanted to, not because you played the game so well.
I can never get accustomed to treating love like its a game. Because to me, its not something you should play with at all. It should always be about expressing honest feelings and creating real moments. You know real love is some good shit cause people will pretend and play roles forever just to appear like they got it. You gotta draw a line to that fake it til you make it shit. Some shit you can get away with, but love is not one of them. You know when that shit is real. You don't even have to have any prior experience with Love to know when its real. I even think you can have a fucked up view of love and still know that its fake and shouldn't be like that. Because even if you never loved another person, you probably have loved something in life. You may love to play video games, or sports. Or you might love talking shit. Or you might love how it feels after you leave a concert. And all those good feelings you get from doing things you love, you will NEVER forget. So for people to tell me they don't care about love, or believe in love, or trust love or whatever, I don't understand because we all love something and we know how good that something makes us feel. And thats just as much a real love as falling in love with a person.
I'll even go a step further and talk about my love of money. When I have money, I'm the happiest person alive. When I don't, shit sucks. I'm not necessarily unhappy when I'm broke and poor, but I know I can be much happier with money. lol. But at the same time, money is not the end all, be all to my happiness. If I never made another dime, I could still be happy because there are people and things to do in my life that mean more to me than money ever will. Money just affords me the opportunity to spend time with people I love and do things that I love. Thats all it is for me. Its a tool. Just like instagram is a tool that allows me to keep a record of all my good times. Or how Google is a tool that keeps answers to my questions at my fingertips. Or my cellphone is a tool to helping me keep in contact with people. Money is the link to me being able to do things I want with people I love. And whereas that link is very vital to myself and my happiness, I still could never let it control me. I could never be happy in a situation where I have access to an unlimited source of money but I had no one to really share it with. I could always look out for strangers or do charitable things of that sort, but it would mean more to me to help out someone that I knew personally. I guess I could get to know someone personally and achieve the same result. I guess. In fact, now that I think about it, people who don't know me, are more appreciative of my help and support. And a lot of times, I'm not overly helpful to people who know me because they'll just sit back and want me to do everything.
I think I just have a problem with the people who know me. I get no respect from them. They'd rather fear me and all I want is to be loved and respected. People treat me like a dictator when I'm really more like Project Manager. I guess I could come across like i'm barking out orders and my way is the best way, BUT I would never recommend somebody do something that would harm or hurt them or set them back in any way. I'm always looking out for everybody else best interest. I don't normally reflect on my life in association with someone else's so I can give advice that will better someone instead of keeping them where they are. I'm always looking out for people or doing that something extra, requested or not, and I just never really feel like I have that here on earth. Caretakers and givers of the world need love too. Through God I've found a couple people throughout life who I can honestly and truly from the bottom of my heart say that I know love me and as long as I am me, they will. My mother and brother and his fam is one group of people. My new friend Danielle. My cousins. My aunts and uncles. My old supervisor Nora. My old friends Quita and Sharnece and Courtney. I've generalized some of these groups and some of the people are a lil sketchy, but i do believe that at the end of the day, they want me to do well for myself. Whether they are helpful or supportive about it. I don't assume that these people wish bad things on me. I know Nora prays for my wellbeing and success. I think my mom does too. I need to start praying more.
This is the longest random post ever but this is my mind right now. All over the damn place. I been crying since 2:30 am last night and I don't even really know why. I'm trying to figure it out. I'm just sad. Im not good with taking emotional losses. My persistence has a tendency to hold on to things longer than needed. I'm hurt. I want to be bitter. I want to be spiteful. I want to be petty. And I was basically given permission to do all those things BUT I can't. I really can't. And I think thats why I'm so frustrated, because I really do put forth the effort to be a good person and to handle shit in a good way, but I always get the short end of the stick. Im always left to deal. Everybody else go on their merry way like shit sweet and I'm suffering emotionally because I can't shake being mistreated or disrespected as quick as other people. That shit really bothers me and I always just ignore it. I distance myself or walk away from a situation. And I think this time I would go unnoticed because thats what I been doing. I wanna say something. I wanna scream. I wanna yell. I wanna fight. I wanna let it be known how I really feel. Because people never notice when you walk away, they just notice what you don't do anymore. The notice your presence is gone. And it takes a real person to admit they were wrong or admit they could have handled shit better. Thats what people do when they appreciated your presence and they miss you and want you back in their life. And I think the situation I'm in now is so sad for me because he's not gonna care. I've walked away from this nigga a million times. He knows I love him but he told me he doesn't want me to care anymore.And I wanna not care SO BAD, but that shit is not in his best interest lol. I don't know how to just turn it off. Or how it turn it down. Either I care or I don't. I don't know how to halfway care. I don't know how to fake my feelings. I know how to not show them but I don't know how to not feel them.
My feelings are so important to me that I could never discredit them. Its been times where I was like wtf were you thinking, but at the end of the day, I know my feelings work properly. My mind and ego be on some other shit. When something makes me angry, I get upset. When somebody tells me a story, I can feel if it was some bullshit involved. When I'm happy, I'm on top of the world. If I'm excessively worried about something, I know its a real risk involved. I don't understand how people can live a life where their feelings dont matter. They have to feel like they don't matter. I used to be like that. And I still feel like nobody gives a fuck about me and my feelings. But I care. And if I care, I can at least stand up for myself and feelings and not let people discredit it just because it doesn't mean shit to them.
He really hurt my feelings yesterday. If I had wrote him a love letter, he wouldn't have called me with a soliloquy. He would have ignored that shit. But I send him a message talking shit and I get a response right away. Its sad. For him. And for us because I don't want to be in that kind of relationship. If the only way I can get you to do stuff is to nag and talk shit until you are tired of hearing my mouth, then its a problem. I can go find a motherfucker who will listen the first time. I don't need that stress lol. I don't even want to be that person. Thats not a good place for me lol. I can be a bitch forreal given the right circumstances and I don't want to become accustomed to being that type of person all the time. Bitches be mad at the world for any and everything, I just wanna be happy. I wanna keep a real smile on my face naturally. I just wanna be so happy that I can't not be happy. lol. I felt that way when me and him first started talking, I remember I came home one day and my cousin broke my laptop, and my cousin boyfriend at the time, broke my dvd player. And my boo was mad at me because I wasn't mad at them. I'm like they're poor, they can't replace it, its no need for me to be mad. Its okay. lol. I didn't give a fuck, I had my boo, thats all i cared about lol. I'm not material at all. Love may not pay the bills, but shit, if Love not involved, I don't think the bills worth paying. And I really believe that lol
I'm a different breed. I've recognized it a long time ago. And I rarely find people who get me. I'll continue to search though. Its funny because I need somebody loving and supporting but that shit makes me so uncomfortable at the same time because I don't know how to respond to it because I'm not used to it. I know how to be loving and supporting but I don't know how to receive it. I need to work on that. Maybe that will be my breakthrough moment. Lord knows I need one. I haven't given up faith wise, but i need a reminder why doing the right thing is so important. Or doing what feels right. Are they the same thing? I need blinders cause I just get caught up in other people getting what they want through fucked up purposes, and how easy it seems. My poor little heart won't let me do evil things so I guess I'll continue on this path of righteousness. God please allow me to see the light, I need to know its there because this tunnel seems super long. Or maybe I'm just driving super slow. Whatever it is. Please help me see it. Amen. Love ya, thank you!
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Oh yeah...
I'm going to go see Young Jeezy at the end of this month. I LOVE LOVE LOVE ME SOME JEEZY.
Okay that is all. lol.
Okay that is all. lol.
Possible Going Back to School Opportunity
It looks like I may be a college graduate one day after all. I think I have found a program that is gonna work with me. And the best part about it all is they have 5 week sessions where I can get 18 credits at the time, and they offer life experience credits. And I would only have classes certain nights of the week and I think I could deal with that too. Its kinda unreal cause it seems too perfect and too good to be true but I'm going to check it out and if I can have a degree by the end of the year or before summer starts next year. That would be WONDERFUL! Like God Imma follow my leads on this one and please bless this opportunity and make it legit and easy and not a hassle and give me the strength and patience to get through it. I could suffer through Warrenton for another year for this. At least I would feel like I have a reason for being here other than my job because honestly I could work somewhere else and be happy, but this option would set my future up in a much better fashion. Like I'm actually kind of excited just from what I have seen and heard so far. Like if this works out, I may have found my educational loop hole. THANK GOD! Cause lord knows, if I had to start over or suffer through Chapel Hill, I wasn't gonna go back to school. I'm sorry. It just wasn't gonna happen. Fingers crossed cause I NEED THIS IN MY LIFE! Megan the college graduate. I get that under my belt and Imma be the shit forreal. I'm the shit now but society is basically forcing me to get a degree because my word, and resume just isn't trustworthy enough. The games we have to play, but such is life.
Shit, this is a major accomplishment for me. I'm excited about going to school. And normally, when I even think about going back to school, it puts me into an immediate deep depression. I kind of feel good and want things to work out for me this time around. I want to graduate. I want to get a bachelors degree. I want to finally put that goal to rest. For myself. Because I know I need to. Got damn, who would have thought? lol. I'm growing up man. I can't believe it. I actually WANT to go back to school. I was just saying this morning something completely opposite. lol. God works magic, I'm tryna tell you. You better get you some in your life. And by some, I mean God. Thank you for everything again. I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart, I don't know where I would be without you. MUAH!!!!
Shit, this is a major accomplishment for me. I'm excited about going to school. And normally, when I even think about going back to school, it puts me into an immediate deep depression. I kind of feel good and want things to work out for me this time around. I want to graduate. I want to get a bachelors degree. I want to finally put that goal to rest. For myself. Because I know I need to. Got damn, who would have thought? lol. I'm growing up man. I can't believe it. I actually WANT to go back to school. I was just saying this morning something completely opposite. lol. God works magic, I'm tryna tell you. You better get you some in your life. And by some, I mean God. Thank you for everything again. I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart, I don't know where I would be without you. MUAH!!!!
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Birthday Plans #TEAMLEO
I'm getting kinda excited about my birthday festivities. I have never planned anything this far in advance in my life. But hopefully this will encourage more people I know and love to join me in celebrating my birthday this year. I already know the shit is gonna turn into that Emerald Pointe situation and everybody is gonna forget that its my birthday and it was my idea, but I can live with that. As long as everyone has a good time, I'm good. I know my nephews are going to go crazy. Like they are going to flip out forreal. I can't wait to see their faces.
Feelings
I hate talking to people about my feelings cause 9 times out of 10, they gone relate what I'm saying to themselves and try and get me to solve my problems their way. I do the same when I talk to people but I always let them know that this is what worked for me and its just an option and they should do whats best for them. Because I can feel when somebody is giving me a generic type answer and I hate that. I'd rather they say nothing and just listen. Sometimes I just want someone to listen. And I talk to God a lot but I think I have a problem receiving the feedback from him. Idk, I be looking for something, anything, everything and end up doing nothing cause I'm scared its the wrong thing. And I know what that means, i need to stop being a bitch about shit and get it poppin. Easier said than done. *sigh*
I think this rainy weather has me depressed lol.
I think this rainy weather has me depressed lol.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Dear Boo (who probably should be titled Nigga I need to let go but hey, such is life),
I don't really know what I want to say here but I do know its a lot. It will probably all sound like mumbo jumbo to you but trust me, it all makes sense in my head. Some days I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and some days things seem as bleek as they did starting off. We've both grown up right in front of each other. Its kinda weird because it definitely wasn't the best of times, but it felt special, so it definitely wasn't the worse of times. I just don't know where this boat, train or plane ends. Are we supposed to continue to grow with each other forever or are we at our final destination? I'm feeling like we're coming to an end but it could also be a beginning. I don't fucking know. I go back and forth with shit so much because nothing makes sense. Everything seems doomed to fail. Past events don't help me make the decision to stay involved because I could risk it all again, but I'm really tryna avoid hurt feelings this go around. I'd be a fool to sit back and allow that to happen again.
But how am I supposed to fulfill my dreams with all this doubt in my head concerning it? I am a definite believer that God can work a miracle. I know this. I've seen it. Shit, a lot of times I feel like a miracle cause Lord knows I would not be where I am today without him. I'd probably be somewhere secretly stalking somebody from a far or some shit. Don't judge me. Just know that I did not become that person as I so easily could have LOL. God saved me forreal. So I know for a fact he could save us. How long is it gonna take though? Is it gonna happen? THis lifetime, cause I promise the end can really seem so far sometimes? Must not be the end then. And that makes me think even more that I need to just let it go. I'm a very persevering, determined person. I can work with somebody that I'm willing to work with. I just don't know if you're workable. You're more like a piece of work that I just don't know if Imma be satisfied with the outcome because the whole process is just draining. for me at least. You don't seem to give a fuck one way or the other. Which makes it even harder for me to decide cause i don't know if you don't care, or if you're pretending not to. I hate having to decode everything. As honest as we are with each other about stuff, like why are we still tip toeing around what we really have to say? I'm over it. I'm tired of trying to read into words and piece shit together. This is life. Its not a puzzle. I know how I feel, I know what I wanna do, and I know how to say it out loud to somebody who knows how he feels, and what he wants to do. And we can go from there. I'm good at figuring shit out, no great, BUT its obvious key pieces to this puzzle are missing. I just need to know if I should continue working on this one, or start a new one. I'm ready to have that conversation, and it scares me because shit is gonna get real and imm have to deal with it however it turns out. And of course, I can only see the bad side of it. I can't even think what the good side would be. I guess us being together, but with all the bullshit that comes with that, I just don't even know if we would be able to even enjoy it. Its too much.
Thats why most days I prefer to walk away instead of deal. Its easier this way. But reality is reality. I can't run from it, I must accept it in whatever way I can. And with said, I guess everything is what it is. I can't convince somebody who only thinks logically that feelings matter. My feelings matter to me, but clearly his feelings don't matter to him. Not more than money. Not more than keeping up with whatever is going on. I have to worry about me and my feelings that matter to me, and I don't want to be depressed again. I want to be happy. I want to smile. I want great days because of great feelings. And its very sketchy as to whether you can do this for me or not. My heart wants to believe but my mind is like bitch be for real. What the fuck has he done lately to even make you begin to think otherwise? NOT SHIT. okay sorry, my ego might have took over that one. My multiple personalities are showing in this post LOL. And on that note, Imma say this...LORD PLEASE HELP YOUR CHILD OUT HERE. Idk what to do or say anymore. I'm always asking for guidance and then don't do shit, smh. I need help moving my feet. You know my heart.
But how am I supposed to fulfill my dreams with all this doubt in my head concerning it? I am a definite believer that God can work a miracle. I know this. I've seen it. Shit, a lot of times I feel like a miracle cause Lord knows I would not be where I am today without him. I'd probably be somewhere secretly stalking somebody from a far or some shit. Don't judge me. Just know that I did not become that person as I so easily could have LOL. God saved me forreal. So I know for a fact he could save us. How long is it gonna take though? Is it gonna happen? THis lifetime, cause I promise the end can really seem so far sometimes? Must not be the end then. And that makes me think even more that I need to just let it go. I'm a very persevering, determined person. I can work with somebody that I'm willing to work with. I just don't know if you're workable. You're more like a piece of work that I just don't know if Imma be satisfied with the outcome because the whole process is just draining. for me at least. You don't seem to give a fuck one way or the other. Which makes it even harder for me to decide cause i don't know if you don't care, or if you're pretending not to. I hate having to decode everything. As honest as we are with each other about stuff, like why are we still tip toeing around what we really have to say? I'm over it. I'm tired of trying to read into words and piece shit together. This is life. Its not a puzzle. I know how I feel, I know what I wanna do, and I know how to say it out loud to somebody who knows how he feels, and what he wants to do. And we can go from there. I'm good at figuring shit out, no great, BUT its obvious key pieces to this puzzle are missing. I just need to know if I should continue working on this one, or start a new one. I'm ready to have that conversation, and it scares me because shit is gonna get real and imm have to deal with it however it turns out. And of course, I can only see the bad side of it. I can't even think what the good side would be. I guess us being together, but with all the bullshit that comes with that, I just don't even know if we would be able to even enjoy it. Its too much.
Thats why most days I prefer to walk away instead of deal. Its easier this way. But reality is reality. I can't run from it, I must accept it in whatever way I can. And with said, I guess everything is what it is. I can't convince somebody who only thinks logically that feelings matter. My feelings matter to me, but clearly his feelings don't matter to him. Not more than money. Not more than keeping up with whatever is going on. I have to worry about me and my feelings that matter to me, and I don't want to be depressed again. I want to be happy. I want to smile. I want great days because of great feelings. And its very sketchy as to whether you can do this for me or not. My heart wants to believe but my mind is like bitch be for real. What the fuck has he done lately to even make you begin to think otherwise? NOT SHIT. okay sorry, my ego might have took over that one. My multiple personalities are showing in this post LOL. And on that note, Imma say this...LORD PLEASE HELP YOUR CHILD OUT HERE. Idk what to do or say anymore. I'm always asking for guidance and then don't do shit, smh. I need help moving my feet. You know my heart.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Stream of Conciousness
And Go...
So today I don't even know what I want to write. My mind is actually kind of blank here lately. Its amazing how thoughts can just disappear like that. Something that was once on my mind constantly is in the back of my mind just like that. I'm trying to write without thinking, its not really working. I'm too controlling lol. But as far as my thoughts go, thats a good thing. I need positivity in my life. Negative shit affects me in such horrible ways. I can't take that shit. From anything or anybody. I need love, respect, honesty, trustworthiness, and all the good emotions. I want to feel alive. I want to wake up and take life all in and be completely satisfied with how things are and where they are headed. I'm getting there. Right now I have no complaints. I kind of worry about things that aren't progressing in my life and it comes across as complaints but for right now I'm almost 99% sure that I am doing what I should be doing. Anything else would only be a distraction. Theres money to be made, best believe a nigga clocked in. Thats all I can really think about these days. I have things I want to do in life and money is the means to do it. So I have to devise a plan with God to get this money. The world is full of opportunities and ways for me to do it and I need to capitalize on what I can now. I believe network marketing will be good for me because it will allow me to rest on the things that I know I am capable of doing and it will introduce me to things that I normally shrink away from and avoid. The one downside for the network marketing to me is the recruitment part. To me thats definitely gonna be the hardest part. And I think thats a lot of the reason why I don't invest in certain stuff because I don't know if people will support it. People are finicky. But I guess if i produce a product that I know people will use and love at the same time, then things should work out fine. I have no idea what that product would be. I know beauty products and things that make people feel good will always have a market. always. I think thats where my niche is because I really do believe that when you look and feel good, you do good and its a cycle that continues to repeat itself. But I don't necessarily want to sell makeup and stuff like that. I would, but I would want my focus to be on distributing products or services that help make people feel better. Whether its a self-help book/workshop, clothing, accessories, life coaching services, or whatever. I think I have a lot to offer but I need to start developing these products and services before I can offer or market them to anyone. The idea will come to me. I think I am leaning to becoming a distribution company. But what am I gonna sell? Am i gonna work with other companies on selling their products or marketing their products or my own? or both? I think both would be a good option. How do you reach out to companies to help distribute their products? would I do it online or would I need a warehouse? What do I need to start up this distribution process? How could i work on getting a distribution deal with someone? That could eventually bring more jobs and stuff to this area and people could work in my warehouse packing and shipping things. I'm trying to think of things on a more global scale. I need to look into distribution deals and see how they come about and what I would need to do to get one. I don't want to limit myself to one thing, but I don't want to take on too much at one time. That is my problem.I have a milliion ideas and I need to prioritize and see which ones are actually feasible and which ones I need to put to the side for now. I have my creative side but I also need to think logically about how I can produce a profit from my creative ideas. I guess the more I write, the more I can get stuff out of my head and start narrowing things down to a point where I can devise an action plan to get these things done. I still need to work more on my screenplay that I have written. I need to register it and then start shipping it out to people so they can read it. I know its not formal to do things online but shit I'd rather get my story out there and get feedback from it before I try and submit it to a major production studio. I need to get an agent too so they can shop my screenplay. Somebody who believes in me and my vision. Why couldn't I have an Uncle Russell in my life? lol. I always think about how much success Vanessa and Angela have achieved all from their one idea to design a shoe line for Women because nobody had any cutes one that they liked. They had all the resources they needed and he stepped out on a limb for them and they did way more than I'm sure he ever projected. Thats whats up. Stories like that inspire me. I need people who want to take a chance with me. Someone who believes in my vision. I guess I need to get my vision together before I try to present it to the world and get people to support me. Thats my main problem. I will be working more on that. I have all the confidence in the world. I just need my desires to aline with the universe so I can get these resources that I need to do the things I have in mind. I just wish I knew what to focus on. I wish I could clearly see what would be my money maker. It could be anything and everything. I guess the more I start to hash things out and get things organized and in order, things will become much more clearer to me. Spirit guides please be with me. Guide me to where I need to be in order to attract the things and opportunities that are made for me in life so i can live this wonderful life that is in my heart and soul. What you want me to do sir? (lmao, i haven't thought about that in years, shoutout to my cousin Chaise, missing my laughing partner always, love you boo!!! I'm tryna make something happen for us Williams' so we can keep the party going for you hunny!!)
So today I don't even know what I want to write. My mind is actually kind of blank here lately. Its amazing how thoughts can just disappear like that. Something that was once on my mind constantly is in the back of my mind just like that. I'm trying to write without thinking, its not really working. I'm too controlling lol. But as far as my thoughts go, thats a good thing. I need positivity in my life. Negative shit affects me in such horrible ways. I can't take that shit. From anything or anybody. I need love, respect, honesty, trustworthiness, and all the good emotions. I want to feel alive. I want to wake up and take life all in and be completely satisfied with how things are and where they are headed. I'm getting there. Right now I have no complaints. I kind of worry about things that aren't progressing in my life and it comes across as complaints but for right now I'm almost 99% sure that I am doing what I should be doing. Anything else would only be a distraction. Theres money to be made, best believe a nigga clocked in. Thats all I can really think about these days. I have things I want to do in life and money is the means to do it. So I have to devise a plan with God to get this money. The world is full of opportunities and ways for me to do it and I need to capitalize on what I can now. I believe network marketing will be good for me because it will allow me to rest on the things that I know I am capable of doing and it will introduce me to things that I normally shrink away from and avoid. The one downside for the network marketing to me is the recruitment part. To me thats definitely gonna be the hardest part. And I think thats a lot of the reason why I don't invest in certain stuff because I don't know if people will support it. People are finicky. But I guess if i produce a product that I know people will use and love at the same time, then things should work out fine. I have no idea what that product would be. I know beauty products and things that make people feel good will always have a market. always. I think thats where my niche is because I really do believe that when you look and feel good, you do good and its a cycle that continues to repeat itself. But I don't necessarily want to sell makeup and stuff like that. I would, but I would want my focus to be on distributing products or services that help make people feel better. Whether its a self-help book/workshop, clothing, accessories, life coaching services, or whatever. I think I have a lot to offer but I need to start developing these products and services before I can offer or market them to anyone. The idea will come to me. I think I am leaning to becoming a distribution company. But what am I gonna sell? Am i gonna work with other companies on selling their products or marketing their products or my own? or both? I think both would be a good option. How do you reach out to companies to help distribute their products? would I do it online or would I need a warehouse? What do I need to start up this distribution process? How could i work on getting a distribution deal with someone? That could eventually bring more jobs and stuff to this area and people could work in my warehouse packing and shipping things. I'm trying to think of things on a more global scale. I need to look into distribution deals and see how they come about and what I would need to do to get one. I don't want to limit myself to one thing, but I don't want to take on too much at one time. That is my problem.I have a milliion ideas and I need to prioritize and see which ones are actually feasible and which ones I need to put to the side for now. I have my creative side but I also need to think logically about how I can produce a profit from my creative ideas. I guess the more I write, the more I can get stuff out of my head and start narrowing things down to a point where I can devise an action plan to get these things done. I still need to work more on my screenplay that I have written. I need to register it and then start shipping it out to people so they can read it. I know its not formal to do things online but shit I'd rather get my story out there and get feedback from it before I try and submit it to a major production studio. I need to get an agent too so they can shop my screenplay. Somebody who believes in me and my vision. Why couldn't I have an Uncle Russell in my life? lol. I always think about how much success Vanessa and Angela have achieved all from their one idea to design a shoe line for Women because nobody had any cutes one that they liked. They had all the resources they needed and he stepped out on a limb for them and they did way more than I'm sure he ever projected. Thats whats up. Stories like that inspire me. I need people who want to take a chance with me. Someone who believes in my vision. I guess I need to get my vision together before I try to present it to the world and get people to support me. Thats my main problem. I will be working more on that. I have all the confidence in the world. I just need my desires to aline with the universe so I can get these resources that I need to do the things I have in mind. I just wish I knew what to focus on. I wish I could clearly see what would be my money maker. It could be anything and everything. I guess the more I start to hash things out and get things organized and in order, things will become much more clearer to me. Spirit guides please be with me. Guide me to where I need to be in order to attract the things and opportunities that are made for me in life so i can live this wonderful life that is in my heart and soul. What you want me to do sir? (lmao, i haven't thought about that in years, shoutout to my cousin Chaise, missing my laughing partner always, love you boo!!! I'm tryna make something happen for us Williams' so we can keep the party going for you hunny!!)
Monday, April 22, 2013
I came here to say something
And as I begin to type what that something was, nothing is coming to mind. Normally I have a head full of shit to rant and rave about, but lately I've been so blank minded. This is not like me at all. I don't know whats going on. I haven't been this clear headed in such a long time it feels kind of weird. I must be about to have some moment of clarity situations or something where I need a clear head to get through it all. Its just weird because normally I have a million pressing issues to deal with but lately things have been going pretty smooth. I have a couple of things I need to pay and shit that I said I was gonna do for some people but thats about it. It feels good to finally feel like I only have myself to worry about. I have a tendency to take on other peoples problems without even realizing it a lot of times.
I feel kind of lost now. Like I just don't know where my life is headed. I've been doing things that seem extremely random to me now but i'm waiting for the aha! full circle moment when things start to come together and make sense. Right now, I'm just tryna prepare myself for whatever opportunity may present itself. I really believe God led me to that Network Marketing book for a reason and trust me, Imma read that joint from cover to cover and devise some type of plan soon. I never check the book section, so this was a clear sign from God to me. I'm about to get on it. In fact, imma go get the book and start reading on my lunch break. Surplus money to do all the things my heart desires and early retirement (no later than 31) is in my future. Me and God getting to work on that as I type.
My love life is blah. I don't really have any complaints because I have too much I need to do for myself before I can really worry about a man in my life. So I guess my current situation will work for now. I guess. I've put that on the back burner. I have someone in my heart but he don't act right so its still a matter of time before I really know whats up with me and him. I try to not think about it because that never amounts to anything but me worrying my self to death about some shit that I have no control over. I'm not the forcing type so if I don't appeal to someone enough to make them want to do right on their own, then all I can do is wash my hands and move on. I'm getting to that point but right now everything is fine.
I just...SIGH...I need to know I'm doing the right things in some way form or fashion. I need to know that what I'm doing now is not what I am setting myself up for in the future because this shit is not gonna work for me forever. I need to start developing my ideas more and go from there. I need to start doing things that coincide with what I want to do. I need to get it together on my end. I haven't been as focused as I need to be and this needs to change. I do not want to get stuck here. I want to develop a lifestyle for myself that works with me and fits me and goes with the things I want to do and am interested in. I'm over just working a job. I need to develop a career for myself that produces a plethora of money for me to live off of and to be able to afford the things that i want in life for myself and for other people. I want to travel. I want to explore the world. I want to be able to call my friends and be like pack your bags we're going to such and such place for a couple days. I got your tickets ready. I want to be able to help people monetarily. Thats the kind of life i want to live. I gotta get this money first. Somehow. God please be with me. Guide me. Amen.
I feel kind of lost now. Like I just don't know where my life is headed. I've been doing things that seem extremely random to me now but i'm waiting for the aha! full circle moment when things start to come together and make sense. Right now, I'm just tryna prepare myself for whatever opportunity may present itself. I really believe God led me to that Network Marketing book for a reason and trust me, Imma read that joint from cover to cover and devise some type of plan soon. I never check the book section, so this was a clear sign from God to me. I'm about to get on it. In fact, imma go get the book and start reading on my lunch break. Surplus money to do all the things my heart desires and early retirement (no later than 31) is in my future. Me and God getting to work on that as I type.
My love life is blah. I don't really have any complaints because I have too much I need to do for myself before I can really worry about a man in my life. So I guess my current situation will work for now. I guess. I've put that on the back burner. I have someone in my heart but he don't act right so its still a matter of time before I really know whats up with me and him. I try to not think about it because that never amounts to anything but me worrying my self to death about some shit that I have no control over. I'm not the forcing type so if I don't appeal to someone enough to make them want to do right on their own, then all I can do is wash my hands and move on. I'm getting to that point but right now everything is fine.
I just...SIGH...I need to know I'm doing the right things in some way form or fashion. I need to know that what I'm doing now is not what I am setting myself up for in the future because this shit is not gonna work for me forever. I need to start developing my ideas more and go from there. I need to start doing things that coincide with what I want to do. I need to get it together on my end. I haven't been as focused as I need to be and this needs to change. I do not want to get stuck here. I want to develop a lifestyle for myself that works with me and fits me and goes with the things I want to do and am interested in. I'm over just working a job. I need to develop a career for myself that produces a plethora of money for me to live off of and to be able to afford the things that i want in life for myself and for other people. I want to travel. I want to explore the world. I want to be able to call my friends and be like pack your bags we're going to such and such place for a couple days. I got your tickets ready. I want to be able to help people monetarily. Thats the kind of life i want to live. I gotta get this money first. Somehow. God please be with me. Guide me. Amen.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Crossroads
I don't know if anyone else experiences as much anxiety as I do when it comes to making major decisions in my life that I know will have an impact on me. Its nothing for me to weigh the options of doing something that won't make any difference either way. Most decisions I make only prompt the questions when and where and if I don't have any prior engagements, I'm there.
Now when it comes to making decisions that bring up questions such as If I get this job, what if I don't like it and then regret giving up a job that I did like? Where I am going to live until I get enough money to get my own place? What if I can't get my own place because of my credit history? What if I move to Maryland only to be reminded even more of how me and my wannabe boo aren't together? What if I can't handle that? What if we do get together, how are we going to make it work? How are we going to move forward with our lives? How are we going to merge our lives in a way where neither one of us feels like we're sacrificing everything just for each other? What if we get together and things are what we expect them to be? What if things are great, how will we keep that up? I have a million and one scenarios goin through my head and they are all very possible and noteworthy to my decision making process.
I'm scared that everything could go wrong and everything could go right at the same damn time. (Got damn Future lol.) But guess only my expectations will set me up for failure. But at the same time, if I'm not looking for something specific to happen, what am I even going for? I don't necessarily need or want a different job right now. I want to live in a different place. But I could be happy living where I am if I had a family type home situation that I could look forward to at the end of the day. I guess I'm ready to settle down and that ain't really available for me where I'm currently located. I have honestly tried without trying to find someone around here but it hasn't worked out. I want to be a wife one day and these men just want someone to play wife until they are ready to be a husband. Ain't nobody got time for that. (Got damn Sweet Brown LOL)
And its funny because all i hear from people lately is marriage and baby talk. Which I don't mind but it just makes me want to get away and try at that life again. I can't pretend that my biggest dreams are to have a lot of money and be successful. The one thing that I could be satisfied with doing in life is having a family which for me means being a wife and mom. Taking care of a home. I want that support system in my life.
Lord please help me make a decision. Guide me. Amen.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
