FUCK THAT SHIT! I keep thinking if I'm being unreasonable and having way too many expectations but I'm not. I know I'm not. Because I don't come out my mouth and ask people for shit. And again, this past month all I wanted was for people to celebrate my birthday with me. I didn't say it had to be this expensive extravaganza. I never asked for anybody's heart or lung. I just asked for people to care that it was my birthday and spend some time with me celebrating it. But I guess that was asking too much.
It's not the same if you just penciling me into your already made plans. Like who wants to feel that on their birthday that everybody is their for their own purposes. Even with the night we all went out to see Stalley for "my birthday", the night ended because of a fight that I heard was started because people was tryna leave me in my own car. And then I got blamed for it because apparently theres always some drama when I come around. I'm not sure how that was my fault seeing as how I was in the club trying to enjoy myself. I didn't start shit with anybody. But I bring the drama.
At this point in my life, I should honestly be used to it. I've dealt with my so-called family and friends making me look like the bad guy just to clean up their image a bit. I really have no idea what it is I do to people to make them treat me the way they do. It would be different if it was random occurrences, but this is at least the 2nd friend that I've had that I felt makes me look bad to everyone else, but won't talk that shit to me. We besties when its just us. But everybody else in their world looks at me like I'm trouble. And to me, as a friend, I don't allow that shit. My family could not stand one of my friends for a long time. Nobody liked her forreal but me. They all dealt with her because they knew that was my friend and as far as I was concerned, she was gonna continue to be my friend and they would have to get over it. So it was never an issue of them always tryna find a reason to be like see, I told you, she's a bad influence. And that shit never fails to hurt my feelings because my friends of all people should know that I just be tryna help and be a friend. But apparently, I'm this horrible person that does nothing but cause trouble in other people's lives.
I can't ignore what I know people are saying about me behind my back. And I know they are saying not so good stuff because of the attitude everybody has towards me. Some days I wish I had a private island I could fly off too and chill, just to get away from everybody. Because right now, I kinda hate everybody. I'm just tired of people acting like I'm so mean, and ruthless and insensitive. Like I know I can be like that but it doesn't come from nowhere. I don't wake up with attitudes like some people. And even if I do, I work hard to make sure I'm still pleasant. Even if I feel the urge to tell everybody to leave me the fuck alone. I rarely ever do it. They'd have to really be getting on my nerves for me to come out of my mouth and say that.
I treat people how they treat me. If you show me that you fuck with me, I'll fuck with you. If you show me the level that you fuck with me on, then that's what Imma revert to when it comes to you. Because its not fair that I hold up my end of the bargain and you get to do whatever the fuck you want to and I'm supposed to be cool with it. But naw, for once in my life, I'm going to stand up for myself forreal. I'm going to speak up and tell people how I feel. Regardless of how crazy it may come across, I don't even care anymore. I'm acting super dramatic but hey, thats how I feel when I'm hurt. Everything is magnified to me and I can't ignore the shit that makes me feel a certain way. Especially when its more than one or two instances that I can call on to prove my point. And I don't expect these grand displays of affection and love from people, but I do expect to feel the love and a lot of times, I don't. I feel it when I'm doing something somebody else wants me to do. But when it comes time to fuck with me and do something I really want to do that the person might not necessarily want to do, its nothing for them to pull out an excuse or sob story and I'm just supposed to care huh?
FUCK THAT SHIT TOO! And its not just one specific person that I'm talking about. A lot of people in my life treat me this way but its because I've been allowing it. Its because I care more about our relationship than fighting over petty shit that I can look over. But having to continue to look over fuck shit is not something I can get accustomed to because it makes me feel stupid. It makes me think I'm just setting myself up to be hurt and taken advantage of. I don't fuck with people I don't care about. And maybe I'm wrong for expecting people to fuck with me in the way that I want them to. But I do that for them ALL THE TIME. If people think I signed up to sit around and listen to them talk about the same shit over and over, then they are crazy. If people think I enjoy being looked at like this bad person, then they need some serious help. If people think I enjoy giving them money or paying for their shit when we go out, then they got some delusions of grandeur. Because I would prefer to spend my money on me but the sad part is if I want to do stuff with people I actually enjoy, I have to offer something that appeals to them or otherwise they won't do it. They won't care about what I want to do. And that shit makes me feel like I'm bribing people or paying them to be my friends. The shit that I do for you is my payment to being your friend. But what do I get in return? Besides shitty ass fucking attitudes towards me because I'm mad everybody basically saying fuck me when I've never carried them that way.
Maybe I'm being stubborn. Maybe I'm being over the top. Maybe my feelings are made up and what I think is going on is all in my head. But at the same time, I pick up on feelings. And I know that a lot of shit I deal with concerning Marcel affects me a lot emotionally but at the same time, I put that shit to the side and it has nothing to do with anybody else. My mama even makes me feel like she don't give a fuck about me and then she tries to blame it on me like everybody else. She went out of her way to make sure she does something for my brothers birthday, normally cooking. But when it comes to me, she's like well I ate so much the day before that I didn't want to see any food the next day. Oh really? So fuck me and my birthday huh? I didn't even get a fucking cake. No happy birthday wishes. No card. NO NOTHING. The strangers that I met out on U street made me feel more like it was my birthday than the people who should have actually cared. And then once I started talking shit everybody wants to try and make up. Or do this. Or do that. And to me, its not about spending money. I used to be broke all the time but I made sure my bitches had a good birthday. And I've complained about this before but NOBODY EVER cares enough about me to do stuff like that.
They'll tell me they hope I had a good time. But nobody ever tries to make sure. Well Jennifer did. She looked out for me and I will forever appreciate it. Danielle incorporated me into plans and things that she already had arranged, and I can appreciate that much. But I drove all the way to Maryland for her birthday. Got my party people together and we went out to celebrate. I made the whole night about her, whether she was embarrassed by it or not. It was all about her. Because to me its a sad thing to feel like nobody cares about you enough to put their lives aside and help you celebrate your special life moment. And I didn't do it because I felt sorry for her, I did it because I appreciate our friendship and I wanted to show her that I cared, despite what everybody around her would like her to think about me. And I just don't feel like I got the same treatment. And I guess I can't necessarily be mad at her for that, but it is upsetting. Because now it just seems like I care more about our friendship than she does. And I've always felt like it was more of a I can relate to you type thing but as soon as she decides to stop fucking with Terrell, she won't have a reason to continue to be friends with me. Because we don't really have too much more in common other than that. She's a girly girl, and I'm more comfortable dealing with niggas. And she be all on this if we have nothing to relate to each other, then we have nothing. I feel like she look at me like I'm this ratchet ass lil girl who needs to learn how to present myself so that a man will want me. I don't carry myself like her other friends do. I'm not sex and the city-esque. Its fun to play that role sometimes, but thats not me. And I just don't feel accepted. I feel like I'm being judged all the time, or I'm being looked at like some kind of project she took on because my cousin told her I needed a friend. And I don't want to think of our friendship in those terms but its hard for me not to when I have various moments I can recall that seem sketchy to me.
And Marcel just never gonna get it. He loves assuming shit about me too, when he knows me. He has a very selective memory and I'm sick of his ass too. I try to work through all my feelings and emotions when it comes to him but he is no help. And a lot of times, I would rather walk away than to try and convince him that I'm forreal. I'm tired of feeling like I have to prove that I'm a good person. I know I am. These motherfuckers know I am. And I guess I'm not supposed to get mad. I'm supposed to be happy all the time. I'm supposed to fake my emotions forever like everybody else.
FUCK THAT SHIT!!!! Imma get over this shit one day. Its gonna happen lol
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