My Feelings

I swear sometimes I don't even know why I try to build connections and maintain relationships with people. I think maybe I expect too much from them because I would be willing to do that much for them. And usually I'm the one being true to my role, and the other person gets to bullshit around and make excuses for why they didn't do what they were supposed to, in the role they are playing.

For instance, I have been through two different situations where me being loving and supporting towards a friend was taken for granted. And the reason for that is because I am usually always there for them. In some capacity. I provide laughs, good times and overall good feelings about oneself. But for some reason, my friends always try to expose my "bad" side. But what they fail to realize is I don't hide my bad side. Anybody who has taken the time to really get to know me KNOWS that I can definitely be a bitch and difficult to deal with at times. I have mood swings. I'm ratchet and I don't feel the need to conform to social norms and rules. I do me. And I've learned how to use my different personalities to suit my purposes. I'm a bitch when I need to be. And I'm a sweetheart when the situation calls for it.

Some people confuse this for being fake or manipulative. But I never use my "powers" to take advantage of or use anyone for my own selfish reasons. I try to approach every situation with consideration for myself and others. Depending on the situation, if my needs aren't that serious at the moment, I can consider the needs of others and work things out. But in no way do I ever USE people for what I need them for and then act like they never did a got damn thing for me. Sorry my frustration came out in that last line. lol.

But seriously, even if I need somebody for something I want, I will let them know upfront that I need them. That's me being courteous enough to let them decide whether they want to go along with me and what I want or not. And to me, thats showing respect for a person's time, life, and personal choices. People think that just because somebody is your friend or your boyfriend or whatever that you have to make certain sacrifices that go along with playing that particular role.

Like for instance, friends tell each other happy birthday. They may exchange gifts. They check up on each other when they know one is going through something. They tell your kids happy birthday. They remember important moments in your life. They are their to listen and give advice. They keep your secrets to themselves. I could go on and on about what friends do because its a role and people definitely know how to play it.

But when it comes to being a real friend. A true friend. Its one key thing about that kind of friendship that differs from somebody playing the role as your friend. A true friend actually cares about yall relationship and they would never do anything to jeopardize it. A true friend will say fuck whatever I have going on and make sure their friend is okay if they are going through something. A true friend knows a person character and will never make assumptions about them because they know them. They allow people to have opinions of their friends but if somebody tries to slander their friends name or put negative labels on them, they would take up for them immediately, and not even allow it for one second. A true friend doesn't try to solve shit through petty methods. They would want to talk it out because they would want to clear things up in the friendship.

I could go on and on forever about that too. But I said all that to say, true friends are hard to find. And the fucked up part about it sometimes is you can tell when somebody believes somebody is their true friend or when somebody is just fucking with them for whatever reason. And for me, I see how some of my friends treat certain people who they call their friends. And it should be no surprise to me that they would treat me the same way. And for my case, I have to deal with people labeling me as this bad person, making up stories to suit their image, and its fucked up. True friends don't use each other as scapegoats. True friends be like I was right there with my bitch when shit popped off, we in this together. If you think she a hoe, well i'm a hoe too then. Not oh ummmmm, i don't have anything to do with that. I stayed at home. She's my friend but I don't do the shit she does. Like that throw a person under the bus shit is not what true friends do. You'll play your own face just to save your friends. Because again, at the end of the day, what REALLY matters is you and friends relationship. And if you have to deal with people looking at you funny because of who you hang out with then you live with it. Because thats a true friend.

I'm not wishy washy when it comes to people I fuck with. But when I start feeling like you only keeping me arond for your own selfish purposes, and not because you fuck with me, then it gotta cut my ties because those aren't the people I want in my life. I want people who actually fuck with me. People who take the time to get to know and understand me. And when somebody doesn't take the chance to even try to understand me, I can instantly tell that they never gave a fuck about me. Because anybody that I fuck with who tries to put all this bad shit on me, lets me know that you don't really fuck with me. Because I don't treat anybody that I fuck with badly, so I can never understand where that shit comes from.

Watch the company you keep is right. And I need to start realizing that just because I can care about people outside of myself does not mean they are capable of doing so. I need to find people who are. Those are my kindred spirits. Message!