Still Depressed lol

But forreal, I do feel like I could use a pick me up. But whatever, I'll just focus on getting my business up and running by October 1st. That's my goal. I want to have a spot by October so I can bank on a Halloween themed month. I have a bunch of ideas that I think would be cool. I'm excited about it. This post probably should go on my other blog, but even though I'm talking about business, its still more personal.

I've said all that to say that idea is about the only thing I feel the need to focus on right now. My birthday celebration plans didn't quite go as I hoped, but at the end of the day I had a good time. I didn't expect to be so stressed but whatever, I'm over it. Its just always a blow to me when I find out how much somebody REALLY fucks with me. Because in my experience, niggas swear they fuck with you until its time to fuck with you and then every got damn excuse in the book gets pulled out their ass. I'm really not even mad about it, im just over it. Especially when the opportunity to address whatever is bothering you is presented and you don't say shit, or you just be complaining about petty shit thats not really bothering you, then what the fuck is my purpose at that point? Should I force you to tell me whats wrong? How can you even do that? I don't have those powers. So if somebody has a problem with me and they won't express it to me, then is it really a problem to them? Because I'm not understanding how that works. If I have issues with somebody but I know its not a problem at the end of the day, then i'm not gonna be acting like its a problem. I'm gonna act like shit cool, not be mad at some shit underneath the surface. If imma get over it, imma get over it.Especially when I've been nothing but nice and motherfuckers feel like they deserve some type of special treatment for the shit they've did for me. Like I haven't done anything. I dont announce the stuff I do. I don't make people feel obligated to me when I do stuff for them. I could really be a pure cold blooded asshole, but I try to care. Or at least sympathize, and if I can help monetarily, I will. If its support or just a person to listen, I can do that too. But when you do stuff for people without making a big announcement about it, they don't notice. Because for some reason they feel like they deserve to be treated nicely. Well maybe you get treated like shit because you treat people like shit. Because you not going out of your way forreal to do something for someone else. I treat people how they treat me. You fuck with me, I'll fuck with you. You look out for me and I'll look out for you. And I'll go first, i don't mind. But if you don't get me, then thats a violation. And I'll probably overlook it because I'm too fuckin nice. But if its a consistent thing, then I gotta stop fucking with you. Especially if its blatant that what I want to do doesn't fucking matter to you at all.

If I'm a bad person, lord please let me know. If I be out here being a ruthless, insensitive motherfucker let me know. Because some people I know would swear out thats me and they are the ones I treat the nicest. I guess they want me to lie to them like everybody else. They want me to make them falsely feel good about themselves. Or they want me to talk shit to them because that means I love them and care about them. Or basically they want me to go along with the lies they put out in their world, and I'll let them do them, all I ask is don't judge me. But that never happens. I could join a convent and people would still find some bad shit to say about that. I'd be the whore in nun's clothing or something. Hey that would make a good movie. Sister Act-esque. lol. But forreal, its hard out here when people try to use you as a scapegoat for why their life is fucked up. I swear I didn't make any final decisions on anybody's life, so the shit you dealing with is all you. I just happen to be around. And thats probably because most people in my life only really wanna fuck with me when they going through some shit and they need some support or somebody to talk to or whatever. And I try not to give too much advice because then people will say I told them to do it. But then when I don't say anything, its because I don't really care. How can I feel sorry for someone who makes a conscious decision to do what they do? How can you be mad at me for listening to you complain and cry about a problem, and then you go right back to the problem like shit straight? And when I'm no longer emotionally invested because I've heard it all before, i'm rude, insensitive, and an asshole motherfucker who only cares about herself. And I get blamed for not caring anymore but I just don't know how much I can really fuck with somebody who uses me just to get what they want. Everyone does though. I should be used to it but that's something that I will never understand. I'm a genuine person. I don't like being fake, unless I have to. And the only time being fake is necessary to me is work-related shit. If I gotta talk to a bitch I don't really fuck with or something, but thats it. In my personal life I don't have to do shit but what I want to. And I don't have to hang around people who fuck with me when they chose. MAN if I only fucked with people when I wanted to, people wouldn't fuck with me at all. Because I'd only come around if I wanted or needed something lol. But again, I make a conscious effort to really only fuck with people whose company I enjoy because I don't like being used, so I don't wanna use people. I'll let somebody know what I need them for, and let them decide if they want to do it or not. No hard feelings. I love the fact that I have choices in my life, I can't be mad if somebody doesn't do what I want them to do. I don't feel like I deserve shit from anybody except proper treatment because I don't set out in my life to do bad shit to people. But I'm always the bad guy. I always get used. And I should be used to it.

Like seriously, I should really be used to it. But I don't like the shit. If you gone use me, at least let me know. At least, keep it real with me because I can see through the bullshit. People always wanna keep connections with me but I want people to fuck with me. Show me you love me cause otherwise, I'll go find some people who will. And I don't think its too much to ask people to love me or leave me alone. Point blank period. That's how I'm carrying my life from now on because that's how I feel. Don't tell me how much you fuck with me. Don't come up with some beautiful words and put them together like its supposed to mean shit to me. SHOW ME. Because if actions speak louder than words, then its a good thing I got Jesus. And a couple other important people in my life because I'd be so sad and alone. Its just gotta be hard being around people who know they don't really fuck with you. They do it for their own selfish reasons and then have you walking around looking stupid because you actually care about them, outside of yourself. I want somebody to do something for me that has nothing to do with them. And all because they fuck with me.

I think thats one lesson that maybe I'm missing the point of. I can be naive. And I think I am very optimistic when it comes to people and my relationships with them. BUT GOTDAMN, can I please just get some people in my life who want me to be in theirs? And who not gone fight their feelings for me. Or who not gone think that I'm tryna judge them or make them look like a bad person. Or who would be willing to take up for me and not let others opinions or even their own opinion influence how they treat me.

Because basically if I let other people tell it, I'm insensitive, rude, I don't care about any else's feelings or problems, I'm a whore and no one is ever gonna date me because of it, I'm a bad house guest because I cook and don't wash dishes. I'm a liar because I'm vague with details because I'm tired of explaining myself. Or I'm a liar just because everybody else in their world is apparently liars. I'm manipulative. I'm crazy. I'm an angry black woman. I'm mean. I don't give a fuck about anyone but myself. I'm mentally retarded. I'm probably never gonna find a guy who wants to love me because apparently I'm not all that lovable. The list could go on and on and thats all the shit I heard just from the month of July. My birthday month. Its good to know how people really feel about me. But I could have dealt with that shit after my birthday month. I wanted to have fun lol.

But the crazy part about all that is I know for a FACT that I am none of those things because I make conscious efforts to try and be nice and understanding and all that. When in actuality, i'm more comfortable not caring. So I inconvenience myself to give a fuck about people who really don't give a fuck about me. See how i'm losing in that situation? When you start caring about people, especially needy people, they expect you to care forever. all the fucking time. I get to a point where I'm like you should care more about yourself. The only person who really cares is Jesus. And that's real. And I don't say shit like that to be mean or to get people off my back, but I say it because its the fucking truth. You and Jesus are the only two people in your life who can always be there for you. And expecting someone else to be your savior, is a set up for failure. Or at least its a set up for a reality check because again, nobody cares but Jesus. I can sympathize with someone, but if you actually want me to care about your problems like they are mine, then I think you're crazy. Because their your problems. Instead of trying to find someone to care about them, solve them. Everybody has a sob story. Yours ain't no different. We all tryna live out here, and we're doing nobody a favor by solving their problems for them. I know I have a way of calming people down  and getting them going and I hate it because people swear out they wanna change, but they really just wanna complain. They just wanna talk about shit so that they feel better about themselves. Because let a lot of motherfuckers tell it, including myself, we know how shit should be. But its not how shit is, and I know complaining ain't changing anything. I can show a motherfucker how shit should be way better than I could tell them.

I cannot wait until the day God blesses me with a man who knows me and loves me anyway. A guy who is very stand up and about his business. A man who will look at me as his support system and he can feel safe telling me any and everything. A gentleman who has that hood nigga swag to him. Trill shit. Real shit. I wanna be able to feel it. I want the love to seep out my pores and just surround us. I want people to look at us and KNOW we happy forreal. Thats it not any bullshitting going on at all. I want a love that only God could bless with me. A love that is satisfying. A love that is understanding. A love that is God-like in nature and will stand the test of time and our lives and the world we live in. I'm getting to this selfish stuff because I believe thats the only way Imma get to this life that God has waiting for me. I wanna be in a position to help people. I can't help people be happy and satisfied, if I'm not happy or satisfied. I could but again, I'd rather show them what I be talking about instead of just running my mouth about it. I believe its a man out there just for me. He gone get me. And he's going to be available for me. And he's going to want a spot in my life without me having to convince him that its a good idea. He'll be able to feel that its a great idea. That in fact, he knows and recognizes beforehand that it would be the worse decision of his life to walk away from me. He would never let me go. And I would never want him to. I would want to spend my life with him and no one else. And our love would be the number one and most important reason we were together, for both of us. I will feel like I have a partner. Somebody to go at life with together. And carve our own slot. Make our own lane. Show people that you can follow your own rules and its not blasphemous. Its not just something that happens in movies. That in fact, God wants us to enjoy ourselves and have the time of our lives all the time, and not just in spurs. I'm ready. Amen.