Dear Boo (who probably should be titled Nigga I need to let go but hey, such is life),

I don't really know what I want to say here but I do know its a lot. It will probably all sound like mumbo jumbo to you but trust me, it all makes sense in my head. Some days I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and some days things seem as bleek as they did starting off. We've both grown up right in front of each other. Its kinda weird because it definitely wasn't the best of times, but it felt special, so it definitely wasn't the worse of times. I just don't know where this boat, train or plane ends. Are we supposed to continue to grow with each other forever or are we at our final destination? I'm feeling like we're coming to an end but it could also be a beginning. I don't fucking know. I go back and forth with shit so much because nothing makes sense. Everything seems doomed to fail. Past events don't help me make the decision to stay involved because I could risk it all again, but I'm really tryna avoid hurt feelings this go around. I'd be a fool to sit back and allow that to happen again.

But how am I supposed to fulfill my dreams with all this doubt in my head concerning it? I am a definite believer that God can work a miracle. I know this. I've seen it. Shit, a lot of times I feel like a miracle cause Lord knows I would not be where I am today without him. I'd probably be somewhere secretly stalking somebody from a far or some shit. Don't judge me. Just know that I did not become that person as I so easily could have LOL. God saved me forreal. So I know for a fact he could save us. How long is it gonna take though? Is it gonna happen? THis lifetime, cause I promise the end can really seem so far sometimes? Must not be the end then. And that makes me think even more that I need to just let it go. I'm a very persevering, determined person. I can work with somebody that I'm willing to work with. I just don't know if you're workable. You're more like a piece of work that I just don't know if Imma be satisfied with the outcome because the whole process is just draining. for me at least. You don't seem to give a fuck one way or the other. Which makes it even harder for me to decide cause i don't know if you don't care, or if you're pretending not to. I hate having to decode everything. As honest as we are with each other about stuff, like why are we still tip toeing around what we really have to say? I'm over it. I'm tired of trying to read into words and piece shit together. This is life. Its not a puzzle. I know how I feel, I know what I wanna do, and I know how to say it out loud to somebody who knows how he feels, and what he wants to do. And we can go from there. I'm good at figuring shit out, no great, BUT its obvious key pieces to this puzzle are missing. I just need to know if I should continue working on this one, or start a new one. I'm ready to have that conversation, and it scares me because shit is gonna get real and imm have to deal with it however it turns out. And of course, I can only see the bad side of it. I can't even think what the good side would be. I guess us being together, but with all the bullshit that comes with that, I just don't even know if we would be able to even enjoy it. Its too much.

Thats why most days I prefer to walk away instead of deal. Its easier this way. But reality is reality. I can't run from it, I must accept it in whatever way I can. And with said, I guess everything is what it is. I can't convince somebody who only thinks logically that feelings matter. My feelings matter to me, but clearly his feelings don't matter to him. Not more than money. Not more than keeping up with whatever is going on. I have to worry about me and my feelings that matter to me, and I don't want to be depressed again. I want to be happy. I want to smile. I want great days because of great feelings. And its very sketchy as to whether you can do this for me or not. My heart wants to believe but my mind is like bitch be for real. What the fuck has he done lately to even make you begin to think otherwise? NOT SHIT. okay sorry, my ego might have took over that one. My multiple personalities are showing in this post LOL. And on that note, Imma say this...LORD PLEASE HELP YOUR CHILD OUT HERE. Idk what to do or say anymore. I'm always asking for guidance and then don't do shit, smh. I need help moving my feet. You know my heart.

Stream of Conciousness

And Go...

So today I don't even know what I want to write. My mind is actually kind of blank here lately. Its amazing how thoughts can just disappear like that. Something that was once on my mind constantly is in the back of my mind just like that. I'm trying to write without thinking, its not really working. I'm too controlling lol. But as far as my thoughts go, thats a good thing. I need positivity in my life. Negative shit affects me in such horrible ways. I can't take that shit. From anything or anybody. I need love, respect, honesty, trustworthiness, and all the good emotions. I want to feel alive. I want to wake up and take life all in and be completely satisfied with how things are and where they are headed. I'm getting there. Right now I have no complaints. I kind of worry about things that aren't progressing in my life and it comes across as complaints but for right now I'm almost 99% sure that I am doing what I should be doing. Anything else would only be a distraction. Theres money to be made, best believe a nigga clocked in. Thats all I can really think about these days. I have things I want to do in life and money is the means to do it. So I have to devise a plan with God to get this money. The world is full of opportunities and ways for me to do it and I need to capitalize on what I can now. I believe network marketing will be good for me because it will allow me to rest on the things that I know I am capable of doing and it will introduce me to things that I normally shrink away from and avoid. The one downside for the network marketing to me is the recruitment part. To me thats definitely gonna be the hardest part. And I think thats a lot of the reason why I don't invest in certain stuff because I don't know if people will support it. People are finicky. But I guess if i produce a product that I know people will use and love at the same time, then things should work out fine. I have no idea what that product would be. I know beauty products and things that make people feel good will always have a market. always. I think thats where my niche is because I really do believe that when you look and feel good, you do good and its a cycle that continues to repeat itself. But I don't necessarily want to sell makeup and stuff like that. I would, but I would want my focus to be on distributing products or services that help make people feel better. Whether its a self-help book/workshop, clothing, accessories, life coaching services, or whatever. I think I have a lot to offer but I need to start developing these products and services before I can offer or market them to anyone. The idea will come to me. I think I am leaning to becoming a distribution company. But what am I gonna sell? Am i gonna work with other companies on selling their products or marketing their products or my own? or both? I think both would be a good option. How do you reach out to companies to help distribute their products? would I do it online or would I need a warehouse? What do I need to start up this distribution process? How could i work on getting a distribution deal with someone? That could eventually bring more jobs and stuff to this area and people could work in my warehouse packing and shipping things. I'm trying to think of things on a more global scale. I need to look into distribution deals and see how they come about and what I would need to do to get one. I don't want to limit myself to one thing, but I don't want to take on too much at one time. That is my problem.I have a milliion ideas and I need to prioritize and see which ones are actually feasible and which ones I need to put to the side for now. I have my creative side but I also need to think logically about how I can produce a profit from my creative ideas. I guess the more I write, the more I can get stuff out of my head and start narrowing things down to a point where I can devise an action plan to get these things done. I still need to work more on my screenplay that I have written. I need to register it and then start shipping it out to people so they can read it. I know its not formal to do things online but shit I'd rather get my story out there and get feedback from it before I try and submit it to a major production studio. I need to get an agent too so they can shop my screenplay. Somebody who believes in me and my vision. Why couldn't I have an Uncle Russell in my life? lol. I always think about how much success Vanessa and Angela have achieved all from their one idea to design a shoe line for Women because nobody had any cutes one that they liked. They had all the resources they needed and he stepped out on a limb for them and they did way more than I'm sure he ever projected. Thats whats up. Stories like that inspire me. I need people who want to take a chance with me. Someone who believes in my vision. I guess I need to get my vision together before I try to present it to the world and get people to support me. Thats my main problem. I will be working more on that. I have all the confidence in the world. I just need my desires to aline with the universe so I can get these resources that I need to do the things I have in mind. I just wish I knew what to focus on. I wish I could clearly see what would be my money maker. It could be anything and everything. I guess the more I start to hash things out and get things organized and in order, things will become much more clearer to me. Spirit guides please be with me. Guide me to where I need to be in order to attract the things and opportunities that are made for me in life so i can live this wonderful life that is in my heart and soul. What you want me to do sir? (lmao, i haven't thought about that in years, shoutout to my cousin Chaise, missing my laughing partner always, love you boo!!! I'm tryna make something happen for us Williams' so we can keep the party going for you hunny!!)

I came here to say something

And as I begin to type what that something was, nothing is coming to mind. Normally I have a head full of shit to rant and rave about, but lately I've been so blank minded. This is not like me at all. I don't know whats going on. I haven't been this clear headed in such a long time it feels kind of weird. I must be about to have some moment of clarity situations or something where I need a clear head to get through it all. Its just weird because normally I have a million pressing issues to deal with but lately things have been going pretty smooth. I have a couple of things I need to pay and shit that I said I was gonna do for some people but thats about it. It feels good to finally feel like I only have myself to worry about. I have a tendency to take on other peoples problems without even realizing it a lot of times.

I feel kind of lost now. Like I just don't know where my life is headed. I've been doing things that seem extremely random to me now but i'm waiting for the aha! full circle moment when things start to come together and make sense. Right now, I'm just tryna prepare myself for whatever opportunity may present itself. I really believe God led me to that Network Marketing book for a reason and trust me, Imma read that joint from cover to cover and devise some type of plan soon. I never check the book section, so this was a clear sign from God to me. I'm about to get on it. In fact, imma go get the book and start reading on my lunch break. Surplus money to do all the things my heart desires and early retirement (no later than 31) is in my future. Me and God getting to work on that as I type.

My love life is blah. I don't really  have any complaints because I have too much I need to do for myself before I can really worry about a man in my life. So I guess my current situation will work for now. I guess. I've put that on the back burner. I have someone in my heart but he don't act right so its still a matter of time before I really know whats up with me and him. I try to not think about it because that never amounts to anything but me worrying my self to death about some shit that I have no control over. I'm not the forcing type so if I don't appeal to someone enough to make them want to do right on their own, then all I can do is wash my hands and move on. I'm getting to that point but right now everything is fine.

I just...SIGH...I need to know I'm doing the right things in some way form or fashion. I need to know that what I'm doing now is not what I am setting myself up for in the future because this shit is not gonna work for me forever. I need to start developing my ideas more and go from there. I need to start doing things that coincide with what I want to do. I need to get it together on my end. I haven't been as focused as I need to be and this needs to change. I do not want to get stuck here. I want to develop a lifestyle for myself that works with me and fits me and goes with the things I want to do and am interested in. I'm over just working a job. I need to develop a career for myself that produces a plethora of money for me to live off of and to be able to afford the things that i want in life for myself and for other people. I want to travel. I want to explore the world. I want to be able to call my friends and be like pack your bags we're going to such and such place for a couple days. I got your tickets ready. I want to be able to help people monetarily. Thats the kind of life i want to live. I gotta get this money first. Somehow. God please be with me. Guide me. Amen.

Crossroads

I don't know if anyone else experiences as much anxiety as I do when it comes to making major decisions in my life that I know will have an impact on me. Its nothing for me to weigh the options of doing something that won't make any difference either way. Most decisions I make only prompt the questions when and where and if I don't have any prior engagements, I'm there. 

Now when it comes to making decisions that bring up questions such as If I get this job, what if I don't like it and then regret giving up a job that I did like?  Where I am going to live until I get enough money to get my own place? What if I can't get my own place because of my credit history? What if I move to Maryland only to be reminded even more of how me and my wannabe boo aren't together? What if I can't handle that? What if we do get together, how are we going to make it work? How are we going to move forward with our lives? How are we going to merge our lives in a way where neither one of us feels like we're sacrificing everything just for each other? What if we get together and things are what we expect them to be? What if things are great, how will we keep that up? I have a million and one scenarios goin through my head and they are all very possible and noteworthy to my decision making process. 

I'm scared that everything could go wrong and everything could go right at the same damn time. (Got damn Future lol.)  But guess only my expectations will set me up for failure. But at the same time, if I'm not looking for something specific to happen, what am I even going for? I don't necessarily need or want a different job right now. I want to live in a different place. But I could be happy living where I am if I had a family type home situation that I could look forward to at the end of the day. I guess I'm ready to settle down and that ain't really available for me where I'm currently located. I have honestly tried without trying to find someone around here but it hasn't worked out. I want to be a wife one day and these men just want someone to play wife until they are ready to be a husband. Ain't nobody got time for that. (Got damn Sweet Brown LOL) 

And its funny because all i hear from people lately is marriage and baby talk. Which I don't mind but it just makes me want to get away and try at that life again. I can't pretend that my biggest dreams are to have a lot of money and be successful. The one thing that I could be satisfied with doing in life is having a family which for me means being a wife and mom. Taking care of a home. I want that support system in my life. 

Lord please help me make a decision. Guide me. Amen. 

Distractions

I am so unfocused right now, its crazy. I haven't done anymore research on my business plan. I'm behind in my class assignments. I haven't worked on my screenplay in about a week. My  mind is all over the place right now and I'm trying to pull it back together but idk how. I really need to focus and re-center and gather my to-do list again. But I think a lot of my unfocusedness is coming from my non-caring about the things that I have to do in my life. At the time they were what I wanted to do but now its starting to be a hassle. Mainly the business plan program I am in. I want to start my own business but the ideas that I've had are very ambitious and require a lot of work that I'm not really into right now. Not into the idea, I don't mind the work. I need to devise a business plan that goes along with my interests. And I almost feel like I need to settle down before I make a decision that might have me stuck in a place that I don't really want to be.

God I need some extra guidance right now because I really don't know what to do. I have so many emotions that I am trying to put a hold on and its definitely complicating my life. I need to resolve the things that are going on in my head. I think the shit with my friend or whatever the fuck she was supposed to be is really bothering me and I can't get it out my head. I need to get over it somehow. I need to let it go somehow. I need to stop letting it get to me. But it hurts. God please allow me to be at peace with everything in my life. Please allow me to weed out whats not important and keep what is. Please allow me to do what I need to do to be where I want to be and where you think I should be. I need your help now. Amen.

P.S. I sound so depressed and stuff but I'm really not, its just a lot going on with me right now and my mind is not at all where it needs to be to do what I need to do. Discipline is the name of the game.

Feelings

I've been in my feelings about a lot of stuff lately. Mainly my love life, which concerns more than just romantic relationships for me. Friendships are becoming a big issue in my life. As far as my family goes everything is good as far as I know. We get along again and that is a great accomplishment because for a long time, everybody was getting on my nerves. Probably for my own reasons but i'm over it now.

But when it comes to friends, I can say that I have one person that fits what I think a friend should be. I've always been cool with a lot of different people. I understand that as I grow older and start to explore different things that I will make new friends and associates. But I also respect and love all my "old" friends the same, even if we seem to be on different pages in life. Its mind boggling to me how I can be so cool with someone and in an instant they can become a stranger. For me, I don't have too many requirements when it comes to friends. I like people whose company I enjoy and that was all I cared about for a long time. Just recently, I've had to add trustworthiness as a quality because clearly I was delusional about who I could trust. But what really has me in my feelings about this friend shit is the people that I fucked with the most were the ones who were so quick to say fuck me when a situation came up to do so. Its like they were waiting for me to do something that they could say that I did towards them so they could try and make me look like the bad person. I don't really understand especially when I know I tried to be a friend despite the fuck shit going on around me that I couldn't necessarily pinpoint at the time, but I could feel that it was going on. And I was right about it, but I still feel like I was wrong for some reason. Idk. I think everybody could have handled the situation better. I think we all could have communicated in a more direct manner. My issue was that when I tried to be real about how I felt, everybody just labeled me as crazy, but when shit turned out like I knew it would, everybody still blamed me. Its my fault that such and such happened.

But you gotta be whack as a motherfucker to do some shit just because somebody thinks you're doing it and you chose to prove them right. I always get the side eye when it comes to my "friends" niggas. I put friends in quotations because if they were really my friends they would know that I would never cross that line. But whether they said it or not, I know my friends would feel some type of way about me being cool with their dudes. I'm the friend that won't say a word to my friends nigga cause I don't even wanna start the confusion and crazy thinking. I avoid that shit like the plague. I don't even really like chillin with my friends when they are around their guys. I give couples their space. Its just a common courtesy to me. Thats one issue that I've had to deal with concerning my friends recently.

Ive also had to deal with my friend having sex with a guy she know I was talking to. I blame her and the guy because I felt like they had some kind of feelings or whatever between them, and I gave them both opportunities to say something about it. Neither did. It would have been as simple as that to me. I would have felt some type of way about them wanting to be together after the fact but I would have gotten over it eventually for the sake of my friendship. I do want to see my friends happy and if she saw her happiness in a dude I was fucking with that I know I didn't really want forreal, she could have him. I can be grown about shit regardless of how hard it may seem to do on the outside. I would have needed some time but I could have gotten over it. What pisses me off about it is instead of my friend being real with me about how she felt, she tried to hide it. She was being sneaky. She was on some other shit. She wasn't being the friend that she was claiming to be on the outside looking in. You wanna cry to me about how hurt you was that I had suspicions about you, but you go and do exactly what I knew you would. It was like she wanted me to give her ANY reason to fuck this nigga, and I never did, so she created on in her head. She made it okay for her in her mind because apparently I was kicking her to the curb for this guy anyway.

I will admit that I was distancing myself from her, but that shit had nothing to do with him. It had everything to do with her and her attitude towards me that I could pick up on whether she expressed it or not. I could tell from her actions. From her trying to hide how she really felt. It came out whether she realized it or not. And I played dumb for a long time because I was just waiting to see what she was gonna do. How she was gonna play shit, and she definitely chose that nigga over our friendship AND THEN tried to put it on me. AFTER THE FACT  THO. Like you can't be mad at me for not wanting to fuck with you after you been backdooring me and being wild disrespectful about it. And just because you thought I didn't know you still continued to TRY and be friends with me. I don't need friends that bad. I will be alone before I be around people I KNOW I can't trust. Like if you was such an upstanding person you would have did whatever to not make it seem like what I thought instead of trying to hide it and be sneaky about it. And lie to me for niggas that came right back around and told me some truths, cause I know he didn't tell the whole story. But it was enough to let me know that my friend didn't give a fuck about me like I gave a fuck about her.

Competition in friendships means its no friendship to me. We rivals. We enemies without being at each other throats about it but if you always tryna think of ways you can one up me, or get at me in some way on some funny shit, i don't need you around. Period. What I look like competing for attention with my friends? In fact, they can have all the attention cause I don't even like it. I'm always about doing what I came for and leaving, I don't like wasting time on extra shit. Hold up let me add on to a previous statement, what I  look like competing for attention with my friends with a nigga that they could have had in the first place?

Shit was all good when I was the one who didn't have any male prospects on my team. When I was the one sitting at home doing nothing because I didn't have niggas taking me out places and doing stuff with me. It wasn't a problem then. Nobody wanted the nigga until I started fucking with him then its like everybody feelings came out of nowhere. When the nigga was tryna fuck with yall where was your mind at then? Not on him, but the second I start fucking with the nigga its a problem. Im saying fuck my friends for the nigga. I'm the bad friend because now I chose to spend my time and money with a man instead of my friends. Now that I had developed some type of life outside of my friends, all hell broke loose. And the crazy part about it is I considered EVERYONE in the situation. EVERYONE. I thought about one friend who I knew would probably feel some type of way about me talking to the dude because she used to, and it was a couple times that I went to visit her just to tell her about me and him. I will admit I was scared of what she would say about it, and how it would affect our friendship. I knew I needed to tell her but eventually shit got to point with me and him where it wasn't even shit to tell because of all the drama that was goin on. I'll take that situation on the job and admit that I should have said something because I should have. As a friend. But I didnt try to hide it. I didn't try to be sneaky about it. I didn't lie about anything because I was never asked about anything. But I did leave the truth out but I always said I would deal with it when it came up and right now I feel like it has come up in a sense. And whereas I don't expect anything to change, I would like to talk to this friend about everything because I just want to clear it up and let her know that I was wrong, I should have said something, and I'm sorry. I didn't apologize to her like I did my other friend and I do owe her that much. For my sake. Whatever she wants to do with my apology, is up to her. I just need to get it off my chest because I do feel bad about it.

Now when it comes to the other friend, I don't know how I feel about it. I still have mixed feelings about everything only because I haven't heard her side of the story but I don't know if I can handle it. Idk if I'm ready to sit down and hear a bunch of excuses because I know thats what it will be. And I know that I could never let her back into my life until we had a conversation about everything. I just want to be at peace with the situation and right now I'm not. I feel like I did something that caused her to act that way but I don't know what. I feel like its a lot deeper issues than her fucking him because they wanted to. I can't really pinpoint what could have created this situation because on my end, I tried. I really put forth the effort to be a good friend. Even when I knew it was fuck shit going on behind the scenes. I still went through the friend motions even though I knew won't a lot of friendly shit going on between us. My friendship with this girl meant more to me than a nigga and she can ask anybody I talked to about it. That was the one thing I kept saying that I didn't like that dude enough to say fuck our friendship over him. But apparently she did. It was something. He even admitted to me that he felt like she was mad at me because I had somebody that I could talk to and chill with and spend time with. I just really can't understand and I think thats what bothers me most. I feel like I almost need to talk to her just so I can hear where she was coming from and then go from there. I mean as far as us being friends like we were thats dead. But we do have mutual friends and I would like for shit to be cordial at the very least. I don't have to fuck wit her anymore, but I just know Imma have to see her one day and I don't hate her at all. I hate the decision that she made and how it has affected our friendship and I just don't know how to come back from that. Especially when we've had a falling out before because of some of the same issues and I'm not a fool. And we never really talked about shit then, I just let it go eventually over time and we became cool again. I'm wondering if thats what she thinks is gonna happen because this shit is on a whole different level than before. This shit is a trust issue. Its a respect issue. Its a honesty issue. I don't feel like she was ever really my friend, especially since people have told me that they thought she was on some other shit when it came to me back in the day. I feel like it has been going on and me being me, I just been ignoring it. But now I've been on this whole you gone treat me right type shit or imma peace out on that ass, and believing the bullshit even when I know its lies days are over with.

I really think what happened was is her normal tactics that she would use towards me wasn't working. I stopped caring. I stopped going out of my way for her. I started being the friend to her that she been to me all this time and she wasn't happy about it. But it was long overdue. She always talking about her situation this and that, but she knows that I hate being used and taken advantage of and I hate needy ass people but that didn't stop her from always wanting to use our friendship as a motive to get me to do shit for her. And thats basically what it was. Like I said, my only requirement for friendship is me enjoying their company. I can pretty much deal with other shit, as long as the negativity isn't too bad. But her negativity had gotten to be too much for me.

I be tryna be a grown up, and most situations I never been down for, so now that I'm older its definitely out of the question for me. I don't care how small of a town we are from, its not cool to be sharing niggas with your friends. Shit like that does not exist in my world and I will do whatever to avoid it. I will pass a nigga on to my friend that I know I liked but just to avoid tension she can have him cause at the end of the day, the man decides who he wants and if he wants to try both of us, he won't the nigga for me anyway. The nigga thats for me gone be like Nope I want her, and I wouldn't fuck with any of her friends to jeopardize what we could have. He wouldn't even cross the line with any of my friends because he knows about respect and he won't let his dick make decisions for him. But sharing niggas, naw I'm not down for. And that was the main issue to me. I felt like she was cool with it. Like she didn't care about me fucking around with him as long as it didn't interfere with what she wanted him to do for her. And when it started to interfere it was like she felt like I was taking something from her and she had to fight back. But thats mindboggling to me because I went above and beyond and kept cool about them texting and talking to each other even when I felt like as a friend she should have drew the line herself but she didn't. And a lot of times I would talk to him about drawing the line between them two but he never did it either. I don't wanna say I let them be cool, but I let them live when it came to their friendship. What bitch do you know would have sat back and been cool about that shit and give them the benefit of the doubt about it even when YOU KNOW its a bunch of bullshit anyway?

I'm way too fucking nice and I know it. But I chose to be nice in a lot of situations because I just can't force myself to be mean on purpose, even when I feel like people deserve  the mean side of me. I'm not a punk or a bitch but I will avoid unnecessary conflict. I can walk away from some shit but this situation seems to need some type of conflict since me being peaceful doesn't make me feel better about it. I won't get any satisfaction from walking away this time because I have some things I want to express and get off my chest. A much needed conversation has to be had on both ends because I feel like this is something that would eat away at me for life. And I will feel better with myself knowing I tried to understand and that I tried to settle it and talk about it and get things back to a point where at least the tension is gone. I'm tryna be a grown up about it but I can't force anyone to be a grown up with me. And thats the bottom line of the situation. Everybody wanna act like they so grown and so responsible and so real, but when it comes down to being those things forreal, everybody flake out. That shit is not easy. I struggle with tryna be a grown up because I'd rather have things taken care of for me too but I can't live like this forever. I'm 26. And I could live on my own but right now I have a situation where I live with other people and help out as they need me to. I have my freedom, and space, but having a space of your own is always the best. At least to me. I'm tryna take life one day at a time and do the right thing by myself and people. And I need to get myself together because these extra thoughts are distracting me right now and I do not need distractions. I have to handle this, both situations, well its actually three, but I pray that God gives me the strength and courage to be honest and to be real and to keep calm when I know I will probably want to lash out and be defensive. being defensive is not gonna solve anything. God please allow me to be open to criticism about myself and allow me to express my feelings about others to them in a manner that will come across well. Amen.

Brainstorming

I'm the kind of person who constantly has ideas for all kinds of random things. I'm currently working on a screenplay and trying to develop a business plan for a top secret project. Okay its not really top secret, but only me and Jesus know whats up at the moment. I have a very hard time focusing on anything so working on different things at once actually works for me. It allows me to rest my brain and stay fresh with what I am trying to do. Once I get writers block, I can always move on to one of my other ideas and start developing that more.

My dilemma is I am not a good finisher. I've been working on that here lately but I still suck at completing things. I am a great starter and a mediocre follow upper but when it comes to finishing, I'm more of the procrasinate until the last minute and make whatever I have look as good as it possibly can. And thats when I have deadlines. I really have to start carving out specific times where I work on certain things. I really do have too many hobbies and interests to narrow down. I almost want to try everything out. Thats not exactly good for business purposes and the fact that I need to finish something in order for the magic to happen. I know God is waiting on me. I need help on getting it together. I think if I had my own space to really work on things I would do better but my rooms at home are a mess. Yes I said rooms but one is just where I sleep and the other is where I store my mass amounts of crap that I accumulate from who knows where.

I need to get it together. I need to find a place where I can go and write and relax and not be bothered by people or excessive noise. I have no idea where that would be, besides the library. I guess I could do that. I am not the work from home type. When my shit start poppin, Imma definitely have to have some office space, not at home. I guess my work office can do for now. I get a lot of downtime, which is good. Most days. God just let me know what I should do.

Peace and Love.

Pay Day is Tomorrow!

That is all.

I'm Back!

Did you miss me or miss my raps bitch? -Gucci.

WHATS GOOD?!? I'm currently talking to myself I'm sure but let me tell you, it feels good to be back. Back in the sense of feeling like myself again. Back in the sense of me returning from a place but being exactly where I need to be. That place meaning a previous state of mind. A state of mind that was not working out for me and the life I want to live. A life of love. Loving everything in my world and letting go of whats not working for me anymore. Life. Live and you learn is right.

I'm so excited to say that I feel more like the real me. I'm not fighting myself anymore. My heart and mind have come to terms and have decided to compromise. FINALLY. It didn't happen over night, thats for damn sure. I'm in a good place right now. My social life SUCKS, but that was pretty expected. Whenever I feel like I'm doing good and making progress in life, I always feel alone. Its weird. I'm never on the same page with my friends. Which probably is a sign that I need to get new friends. Which is a totally different subject that I don't know if I want to even get started on right now. I might be back to that.

But its amazing to me how strangers can be more of a support system at times. I feel better telling people I don't know about whats going on with me because they actually seem happy for me. I get tired of tryna brainstorm with people and their only feedback is why it wouldn't work. I appreciate the concerns but I'm not afraid of hard work and effort. The fact that it might be too much work doesn't move me. I can handle the work. I just need to feel like my hard work and effort will be worth it. Are people gonna support me? Am I gonna make the profits I'm looking to make? Am I gonna make a difference in people's lives? Are people gonna get my loving message? Those are the questions that concern me.

I'm currently in Entrepreneurial school. Its more of a program that helps equip you to start your own small business, but I call it school cause they give me homework. Which I still haven't done; I've never been a fan of homework. I'm tryna get my life together. I decided I will be a philanthropist and entrepreneur. And thats narrowing it down for me. God has definitely been connecting me with the resources I need. I pray I take advantage of what will really help me in the long run. I gotta start setting time aside to really focus on what I want to do. I'm an ideas person so I always have an idea for something, its bringing to to fruition where imma need some work. I think working on getting things out of my head and written down in a business plan will help tremendously.

Back to my social life though, can we say damn near non-existent? lol. My one female friend I was hanging out with on a normal basis crossed the friendship line so I had to let her go. I still feel some kind of way about it but I don't need well-wishing, friendly acting, envy-hiding snakes around me. I don't need crabs in a barrel tryna pull me down to their level. I'm really tryna actively do something with my life. And not just have fun, but set my future self up in a good position where I don't have to worry about money and things. Where I can have a peace of mind and trust those around me. I gotta have that. I don't function properly when I'm not feeling the love or at least respect. I don't take well to be disrespected and I don't care who you are, I will shut down and it will be wrap for you on my end. It is what it is. I didn't make the decision to stop being friends, it was made for me. Its a loss but I think it was a much needed one. For my sake. Long over due, according to anybody who knew our relationship.

Feelings get the best of people which is why I always encourage talking and trying to stay on the same page. But I can't make people be honest with me. I can't make people express how they really feel. I can't make anyone do shit. All I can do is deal accordingly and my way of dealing with things I can't change is to distance myself. You can't talk to a brick wall and expect it to respond back. I've learned that. And even though I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, I cannot hide how I'm feeling. Its gonna come out. I don't like dealing with things in sneaky, underhanded ways. I'd rather talk about it and deal with the truth. Good karma over everything.

But Long post short, Life is Good. I woke up this morning. I made it to my job. I have my health. My fam is good. Fun is in the air. God loves me and I love him more. I have everything I need. Time to kick it up a notch and show out a little bit just because I can.

You ready God, lets go get em!!!!!!!

LOVE.

Frustrated

I can literally feel myself getting to the point of going the fuck off. I've been taking care of a lot of shit in my life and I am greatly satisfied with how things are coming together. Nothing is set in stone right now, but I have options. I do not feel stuck anymore at all. If anything I am so ready to break free of the bullshit and move on that hopefully my anxiousness doesn't make me jump the gun on anything. I'm still trying to be patient and just see what option will be best for me, in the short and long run.

But the one thing that I am still dealing with is Him. I just don't even know where to begin. I get mad whenever I talk to him. I don't even really know why. Well I take that back, I know exactly why I get mad, I just don't know why I bother getting mad. That sounds better. I am really getting to the point where Imma just be over it all if something doesn't change soon. Something that lets me know we are moving towards being with each other. But he just not in the mind frame for that. His mind frame is too wrapped into his reality that he has to deal with and he is losing sight of what he really wants. Everything is all about keeping what he has going on together.

He trying but fuck that. And what really pisses me off is he acts like he taking this big fucking risk like I have never done anything for him. Everything that happened with him was my worst fear. Shit like what happened is one of the major reasons why I never really wanted to fall in love with somebody. But thats not shit to him though because I didn't lose any money. I just lost my ability to fall in love and really trust somebody ever again. Well i'm exaggerating, but shit he don't know that. That shit really could have fucked me up. And if it wasn't for me talking to his ex and seeing how fucked up she was, I would be down a totally different path right now. Luckily I'm used to not allowing shit to fuck me up for too long, and I can deal with shit and eventually regain my own happiness.

I JUST got back to the point where I feel like my old self again. I won't say that he necessarily started the downward spiral but he damn sure catapulted me to what I think was one of my lowest moments ever. I didn't know if I was gonna ever recover from that shit. How do you accept KNOWING that someone would rather be with you but because he had a child, he feels like he should be with his babymama for his child's sake? I see the logic in that but to me everything does not have to make sense in the mind. And it should be a balance between your heart and mind. Because just following one or the other could lead you to some fucked up places.

And all I really want him to do is recognize all the shit that I have done FOR HIM. Because I can tell in his mind, he doesn't see where I have done anything for him. Because its not in terms of money or anything that you can physically see. But just how I handled and carried myself in the situation made a lot of difference in how things are playing out today. The things that I could have done and said and been RIGHTFULLY SO would have fucked up a lot of shit for him and his relationship with his son. I recognized that and avoided it despite being disrespected and played as this homewrecker who was trying to fuck up a family. I HAD SO MUCH SHIT THAT I COULD HAVE SAID and it was all truth so there was no way that he would be able to deny it and she would believe me over him anyway. I didn't have to make up lies to make her feel bad like she tried to do with me. I could have crushed her spirit with the truth, but I chose not to because it was not my place to say anything. I cleared my name in the situation because I am not a homewrecker, but as far as telling truths that didn't affect me, I kept all that to myself. He asked me to chill out when things were really crazy and I did. I don't get any credit  for that though.

I know he think my mom likes him and there's no doubt in my mind that she doesn't. However, the only reason she still likes him after everything was because of me. She definitely wanted to hate him because she knew how much I liked him and she liked the fact that he made me so happy. So of course, she was ready to say fuck him once i told her what happened, but I made him look like a fucking saint to her compared to how he really made me feel. The only reason any of my friends or family haven't been talking cold shit about his ass is because of me. I didn't allow them to do it. I shut it down as soon as they tried to start. They didn't know him like I did and I didn't want them forming opinions about him based off stuff I said and how I was feeling at the moment. Once again, I looked out for him despite how stupid I had to sound for taking up for somebody that just fucking ripped my heart out and stomped on the motherfucker. But I don't get any credit for that either.

I don't get any credit for trying to be understanding about what he was going through and the decisions he had to make concerning everything. I even placed a lot of the blame on myself for a while, and I could have handled things differently but in that moment, i thought what i was doing was the right thing to do. And in a sense I was. I was threatening to stop fucking with him all the time because I was hoping he wouldn't let it happen. I was hoping that he would see that I wasn't playing and he would fix the situation. But he didn't. All he saw was me saying I would leave him, and that probably was not the best thing to be showing him at that time. I recognize that now, but even still, he should have seen it as more than that. He should have known that I didn't want to stop talking to him, but I had to. He was making me feel stupid. I don't give a fuck what somebody else think, but  I can't sit around and be involved in dumb shit regardless of how much I care. I always care about me more.

All I'm stuck with nowadays is trying to prove and explain myself because of all the assumptions he wants to make about me and the things that I do towards him when he should KNOW that I have looked out for him from day one. When I would go grocery shopping, I went shopping for both of us. It was no coincidence that I always had shit he liked. For holidays, I made sure I bought him something. I noticed how he had all these cute boxers with sayings and shit, so whenever I would go in stores, I would always go look and see if they had any good ones. Or how I always made it my business to make sure I fucked him very well. Lets not even talk about all the shit that he NEVER got to see for Valentines day and the breakfast I made with heart pancakes and all that shit that I had to just throw away. Or the time I went to go see him and I had $20 to my name for the week until I got paid, and I spent $15 of that on a cab to his house. Or how I got Jennifer to take me around to places where I knew he would be and I made these cute Have you seen my snuggie signs just because I wanted him to know I still cared about him, but I still wanted to respect that we decided to stop talking.

And to top that all off, I have NEVER asked him for anything. Well I do remember asking him for some money one time but that was only because I really needed it, but of course, he couldn't give it to me. But that was it. I know for a fact that it is not one thing on this earth that I have come out of my mouth and asked him for. Even with everything not once have I ever told him to leave her or be disrespectful or play her in anyway. I'm sure its easy to tell that I want him to leave her but I never ever asked him to carry her for me. Thats the type of shit she wanted him to do towards me. And another thing thats fucked up is he actually would do it. Like just tell me whatever to make her happy. Just fuck my feelings huh? I don't know why I even get mad anymore. She been working on getting him to carry me for a while. I should be used to it by now. It's so bad now that he carry me all the time and don't even realize it. In whose mind does it make sense for you to call me and ask me about having a threesome with you and a bitch that YOU KNOW I feel some type of way about. And then wonder why I got mad about it. But what really  pissed me off is that he told me HE KNEW I would get mad about it but he asked me anyway because she kept bothering him to do it. I hope the bitch don't ever ask him to kill me or some shit like that. I don't know how far he willing to take it, but if we going off his track record, I'm as good as dead. But I kinda went off an a tangent there.

Back to what I was saying...I've always been cool about shit. I didn't start tripping about shit until he started acting stupid. I kept my mouth shut about ALOT of stuff because I would always tell myself he can do whatever he want because he not your boyfriend. I always from day one whenever he called me I would stop whatever I was doing and find a way to get to him. If I didn't give a fuck, I could have easily been like I'm busy. Or I'm not driving right now. I made myself available. When he was coming to my house every weekend without me even asking, I missed a bunch bday parties, thanksgiving and christmas' with my family FOR HIM. Anybody who knows me knows that I am family first so for me to miss thanksgiving and christmas for a nigga, thats serious.

And I think thats what hurts me the most now. Throughout everything I never once was on some I dont give a fuck shit. If anything, I cared way too fucking much. I still think I care too much even though I've let a lot of shit go when it comes to the situation, but its still shit that pisses me off because even though I know his intentions are not bad, everything he does towards me comes across like I don't give a fuck about Megan until my dick get hard. We used to talk all the time about everything. He probably knows more about me than a lot of my friends do. I treated him like family. And by family, I mean I inconvenienced myself a lot for his sake. I thought about him before I thought about myself. I let my family do that because I really care and I like to think that if I ever need them, they got me. I guess with my family track record, I really shouldn't be surprised. They definitely didn't help me when I needed it. So the shit hurts my feelings that he only calls me when he can fuck. That's the only time he will make an effort to see me. Not just to see how I'm doing. Or to just chill. But to fuck. Thats the main goal. And then he wanna know why I tell him shit like well if you just wanna fuck somebody, find you a bitch close that you can fuck. You don't need me. If its just pussy you want, then you live with a pussy you can have anytime. Fuck her. I'm sure its bitches around where you live that would give you some ass. Fuck them.

And it confuses the fuck out of me when he says shit like I can't stop talking to you. Wait what? Ummm we don't talk. So I can't tell. It seems like you have no problem not talking to me. He doesn't ever just call me to talk. If I get a message from him I already know he must have a window of opportunity to come fuck me. So maybe he can't stop wanting to fuck me. That would make more sense to me. Because that matches up with his actions and the things that I can tell from observation. He says he don't just be talking good shit, but he never acts on it, so either way, its just words until he starts acting on them. It just hurts because I actually really fucking care despite all the bullshit and at the end of the day I really appreciate all the time we spent, and him bringing me pads, and cooking me thanksgiving dinner, and calling me everyday to talk and making an effort to come see me on the weekends so im not in the house alone. I was feeling real fucked up about how my family was treating me and he really helped me deal with all that. And im sure he doesn't even know it. He was the only person that I could depend on and that I fucked with up here. It was just the fact that he was there. And I miss having somebody looking out for me and my best interests. Somebody I can trust and be myself with. And I am not sure if he will ever realize how much I mean everything I say to him. Cause if I didn't really love him and give a fuck, I would have been done WAY before a child ever came into the picture. Hopefully something will get through to him one day. *sigh*