I am so unfocused right now, its crazy. I haven't done anymore research on my business plan. I'm behind in my class assignments. I haven't worked on my screenplay in about a week. My mind is all over the place right now and I'm trying to pull it back together but idk how. I really need to focus and re-center and gather my to-do list again. But I think a lot of my unfocusedness is coming from my non-caring about the things that I have to do in my life. At the time they were what I wanted to do but now its starting to be a hassle. Mainly the business plan program I am in. I want to start my own business but the ideas that I've had are very ambitious and require a lot of work that I'm not really into right now. Not into the idea, I don't mind the work. I need to devise a business plan that goes along with my interests. And I almost feel like I need to settle down before I make a decision that might have me stuck in a place that I don't really want to be.
God I need some extra guidance right now because I really don't know what to do. I have so many emotions that I am trying to put a hold on and its definitely complicating my life. I need to resolve the things that are going on in my head. I think the shit with my friend or whatever the fuck she was supposed to be is really bothering me and I can't get it out my head. I need to get over it somehow. I need to let it go somehow. I need to stop letting it get to me. But it hurts. God please allow me to be at peace with everything in my life. Please allow me to weed out whats not important and keep what is. Please allow me to do what I need to do to be where I want to be and where you think I should be. I need your help now. Amen.
P.S. I sound so depressed and stuff but I'm really not, its just a lot going on with me right now and my mind is not at all where it needs to be to do what I need to do. Discipline is the name of the game.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Feelings
I've been in my feelings about a lot of stuff lately. Mainly my love life, which concerns more than just romantic relationships for me. Friendships are becoming a big issue in my life. As far as my family goes everything is good as far as I know. We get along again and that is a great accomplishment because for a long time, everybody was getting on my nerves. Probably for my own reasons but i'm over it now.
But when it comes to friends, I can say that I have one person that fits what I think a friend should be. I've always been cool with a lot of different people. I understand that as I grow older and start to explore different things that I will make new friends and associates. But I also respect and love all my "old" friends the same, even if we seem to be on different pages in life. Its mind boggling to me how I can be so cool with someone and in an instant they can become a stranger. For me, I don't have too many requirements when it comes to friends. I like people whose company I enjoy and that was all I cared about for a long time. Just recently, I've had to add trustworthiness as a quality because clearly I was delusional about who I could trust. But what really has me in my feelings about this friend shit is the people that I fucked with the most were the ones who were so quick to say fuck me when a situation came up to do so. Its like they were waiting for me to do something that they could say that I did towards them so they could try and make me look like the bad person. I don't really understand especially when I know I tried to be a friend despite the fuck shit going on around me that I couldn't necessarily pinpoint at the time, but I could feel that it was going on. And I was right about it, but I still feel like I was wrong for some reason. Idk. I think everybody could have handled the situation better. I think we all could have communicated in a more direct manner. My issue was that when I tried to be real about how I felt, everybody just labeled me as crazy, but when shit turned out like I knew it would, everybody still blamed me. Its my fault that such and such happened.
But you gotta be whack as a motherfucker to do some shit just because somebody thinks you're doing it and you chose to prove them right. I always get the side eye when it comes to my "friends" niggas. I put friends in quotations because if they were really my friends they would know that I would never cross that line. But whether they said it or not, I know my friends would feel some type of way about me being cool with their dudes. I'm the friend that won't say a word to my friends nigga cause I don't even wanna start the confusion and crazy thinking. I avoid that shit like the plague. I don't even really like chillin with my friends when they are around their guys. I give couples their space. Its just a common courtesy to me. Thats one issue that I've had to deal with concerning my friends recently.
Ive also had to deal with my friend having sex with a guy she know I was talking to. I blame her and the guy because I felt like they had some kind of feelings or whatever between them, and I gave them both opportunities to say something about it. Neither did. It would have been as simple as that to me. I would have felt some type of way about them wanting to be together after the fact but I would have gotten over it eventually for the sake of my friendship. I do want to see my friends happy and if she saw her happiness in a dude I was fucking with that I know I didn't really want forreal, she could have him. I can be grown about shit regardless of how hard it may seem to do on the outside. I would have needed some time but I could have gotten over it. What pisses me off about it is instead of my friend being real with me about how she felt, she tried to hide it. She was being sneaky. She was on some other shit. She wasn't being the friend that she was claiming to be on the outside looking in. You wanna cry to me about how hurt you was that I had suspicions about you, but you go and do exactly what I knew you would. It was like she wanted me to give her ANY reason to fuck this nigga, and I never did, so she created on in her head. She made it okay for her in her mind because apparently I was kicking her to the curb for this guy anyway.
I will admit that I was distancing myself from her, but that shit had nothing to do with him. It had everything to do with her and her attitude towards me that I could pick up on whether she expressed it or not. I could tell from her actions. From her trying to hide how she really felt. It came out whether she realized it or not. And I played dumb for a long time because I was just waiting to see what she was gonna do. How she was gonna play shit, and she definitely chose that nigga over our friendship AND THEN tried to put it on me. AFTER THE FACT THO. Like you can't be mad at me for not wanting to fuck with you after you been backdooring me and being wild disrespectful about it. And just because you thought I didn't know you still continued to TRY and be friends with me. I don't need friends that bad. I will be alone before I be around people I KNOW I can't trust. Like if you was such an upstanding person you would have did whatever to not make it seem like what I thought instead of trying to hide it and be sneaky about it. And lie to me for niggas that came right back around and told me some truths, cause I know he didn't tell the whole story. But it was enough to let me know that my friend didn't give a fuck about me like I gave a fuck about her.
Competition in friendships means its no friendship to me. We rivals. We enemies without being at each other throats about it but if you always tryna think of ways you can one up me, or get at me in some way on some funny shit, i don't need you around. Period. What I look like competing for attention with my friends? In fact, they can have all the attention cause I don't even like it. I'm always about doing what I came for and leaving, I don't like wasting time on extra shit. Hold up let me add on to a previous statement, what I look like competing for attention with my friends with a nigga that they could have had in the first place?
Shit was all good when I was the one who didn't have any male prospects on my team. When I was the one sitting at home doing nothing because I didn't have niggas taking me out places and doing stuff with me. It wasn't a problem then. Nobody wanted the nigga until I started fucking with him then its like everybody feelings came out of nowhere. When the nigga was tryna fuck with yall where was your mind at then? Not on him, but the second I start fucking with the nigga its a problem. Im saying fuck my friends for the nigga. I'm the bad friend because now I chose to spend my time and money with a man instead of my friends. Now that I had developed some type of life outside of my friends, all hell broke loose. And the crazy part about it is I considered EVERYONE in the situation. EVERYONE. I thought about one friend who I knew would probably feel some type of way about me talking to the dude because she used to, and it was a couple times that I went to visit her just to tell her about me and him. I will admit I was scared of what she would say about it, and how it would affect our friendship. I knew I needed to tell her but eventually shit got to point with me and him where it wasn't even shit to tell because of all the drama that was goin on. I'll take that situation on the job and admit that I should have said something because I should have. As a friend. But I didnt try to hide it. I didn't try to be sneaky about it. I didn't lie about anything because I was never asked about anything. But I did leave the truth out but I always said I would deal with it when it came up and right now I feel like it has come up in a sense. And whereas I don't expect anything to change, I would like to talk to this friend about everything because I just want to clear it up and let her know that I was wrong, I should have said something, and I'm sorry. I didn't apologize to her like I did my other friend and I do owe her that much. For my sake. Whatever she wants to do with my apology, is up to her. I just need to get it off my chest because I do feel bad about it.
Now when it comes to the other friend, I don't know how I feel about it. I still have mixed feelings about everything only because I haven't heard her side of the story but I don't know if I can handle it. Idk if I'm ready to sit down and hear a bunch of excuses because I know thats what it will be. And I know that I could never let her back into my life until we had a conversation about everything. I just want to be at peace with the situation and right now I'm not. I feel like I did something that caused her to act that way but I don't know what. I feel like its a lot deeper issues than her fucking him because they wanted to. I can't really pinpoint what could have created this situation because on my end, I tried. I really put forth the effort to be a good friend. Even when I knew it was fuck shit going on behind the scenes. I still went through the friend motions even though I knew won't a lot of friendly shit going on between us. My friendship with this girl meant more to me than a nigga and she can ask anybody I talked to about it. That was the one thing I kept saying that I didn't like that dude enough to say fuck our friendship over him. But apparently she did. It was something. He even admitted to me that he felt like she was mad at me because I had somebody that I could talk to and chill with and spend time with. I just really can't understand and I think thats what bothers me most. I feel like I almost need to talk to her just so I can hear where she was coming from and then go from there. I mean as far as us being friends like we were thats dead. But we do have mutual friends and I would like for shit to be cordial at the very least. I don't have to fuck wit her anymore, but I just know Imma have to see her one day and I don't hate her at all. I hate the decision that she made and how it has affected our friendship and I just don't know how to come back from that. Especially when we've had a falling out before because of some of the same issues and I'm not a fool. And we never really talked about shit then, I just let it go eventually over time and we became cool again. I'm wondering if thats what she thinks is gonna happen because this shit is on a whole different level than before. This shit is a trust issue. Its a respect issue. Its a honesty issue. I don't feel like she was ever really my friend, especially since people have told me that they thought she was on some other shit when it came to me back in the day. I feel like it has been going on and me being me, I just been ignoring it. But now I've been on this whole you gone treat me right type shit or imma peace out on that ass, and believing the bullshit even when I know its lies days are over with.
I really think what happened was is her normal tactics that she would use towards me wasn't working. I stopped caring. I stopped going out of my way for her. I started being the friend to her that she been to me all this time and she wasn't happy about it. But it was long overdue. She always talking about her situation this and that, but she knows that I hate being used and taken advantage of and I hate needy ass people but that didn't stop her from always wanting to use our friendship as a motive to get me to do shit for her. And thats basically what it was. Like I said, my only requirement for friendship is me enjoying their company. I can pretty much deal with other shit, as long as the negativity isn't too bad. But her negativity had gotten to be too much for me.
I be tryna be a grown up, and most situations I never been down for, so now that I'm older its definitely out of the question for me. I don't care how small of a town we are from, its not cool to be sharing niggas with your friends. Shit like that does not exist in my world and I will do whatever to avoid it. I will pass a nigga on to my friend that I know I liked but just to avoid tension she can have him cause at the end of the day, the man decides who he wants and if he wants to try both of us, he won't the nigga for me anyway. The nigga thats for me gone be like Nope I want her, and I wouldn't fuck with any of her friends to jeopardize what we could have. He wouldn't even cross the line with any of my friends because he knows about respect and he won't let his dick make decisions for him. But sharing niggas, naw I'm not down for. And that was the main issue to me. I felt like she was cool with it. Like she didn't care about me fucking around with him as long as it didn't interfere with what she wanted him to do for her. And when it started to interfere it was like she felt like I was taking something from her and she had to fight back. But thats mindboggling to me because I went above and beyond and kept cool about them texting and talking to each other even when I felt like as a friend she should have drew the line herself but she didn't. And a lot of times I would talk to him about drawing the line between them two but he never did it either. I don't wanna say I let them be cool, but I let them live when it came to their friendship. What bitch do you know would have sat back and been cool about that shit and give them the benefit of the doubt about it even when YOU KNOW its a bunch of bullshit anyway?
I'm way too fucking nice and I know it. But I chose to be nice in a lot of situations because I just can't force myself to be mean on purpose, even when I feel like people deserve the mean side of me. I'm not a punk or a bitch but I will avoid unnecessary conflict. I can walk away from some shit but this situation seems to need some type of conflict since me being peaceful doesn't make me feel better about it. I won't get any satisfaction from walking away this time because I have some things I want to express and get off my chest. A much needed conversation has to be had on both ends because I feel like this is something that would eat away at me for life. And I will feel better with myself knowing I tried to understand and that I tried to settle it and talk about it and get things back to a point where at least the tension is gone. I'm tryna be a grown up about it but I can't force anyone to be a grown up with me. And thats the bottom line of the situation. Everybody wanna act like they so grown and so responsible and so real, but when it comes down to being those things forreal, everybody flake out. That shit is not easy. I struggle with tryna be a grown up because I'd rather have things taken care of for me too but I can't live like this forever. I'm 26. And I could live on my own but right now I have a situation where I live with other people and help out as they need me to. I have my freedom, and space, but having a space of your own is always the best. At least to me. I'm tryna take life one day at a time and do the right thing by myself and people. And I need to get myself together because these extra thoughts are distracting me right now and I do not need distractions. I have to handle this, both situations, well its actually three, but I pray that God gives me the strength and courage to be honest and to be real and to keep calm when I know I will probably want to lash out and be defensive. being defensive is not gonna solve anything. God please allow me to be open to criticism about myself and allow me to express my feelings about others to them in a manner that will come across well. Amen.
But when it comes to friends, I can say that I have one person that fits what I think a friend should be. I've always been cool with a lot of different people. I understand that as I grow older and start to explore different things that I will make new friends and associates. But I also respect and love all my "old" friends the same, even if we seem to be on different pages in life. Its mind boggling to me how I can be so cool with someone and in an instant they can become a stranger. For me, I don't have too many requirements when it comes to friends. I like people whose company I enjoy and that was all I cared about for a long time. Just recently, I've had to add trustworthiness as a quality because clearly I was delusional about who I could trust. But what really has me in my feelings about this friend shit is the people that I fucked with the most were the ones who were so quick to say fuck me when a situation came up to do so. Its like they were waiting for me to do something that they could say that I did towards them so they could try and make me look like the bad person. I don't really understand especially when I know I tried to be a friend despite the fuck shit going on around me that I couldn't necessarily pinpoint at the time, but I could feel that it was going on. And I was right about it, but I still feel like I was wrong for some reason. Idk. I think everybody could have handled the situation better. I think we all could have communicated in a more direct manner. My issue was that when I tried to be real about how I felt, everybody just labeled me as crazy, but when shit turned out like I knew it would, everybody still blamed me. Its my fault that such and such happened.
But you gotta be whack as a motherfucker to do some shit just because somebody thinks you're doing it and you chose to prove them right. I always get the side eye when it comes to my "friends" niggas. I put friends in quotations because if they were really my friends they would know that I would never cross that line. But whether they said it or not, I know my friends would feel some type of way about me being cool with their dudes. I'm the friend that won't say a word to my friends nigga cause I don't even wanna start the confusion and crazy thinking. I avoid that shit like the plague. I don't even really like chillin with my friends when they are around their guys. I give couples their space. Its just a common courtesy to me. Thats one issue that I've had to deal with concerning my friends recently.
Ive also had to deal with my friend having sex with a guy she know I was talking to. I blame her and the guy because I felt like they had some kind of feelings or whatever between them, and I gave them both opportunities to say something about it. Neither did. It would have been as simple as that to me. I would have felt some type of way about them wanting to be together after the fact but I would have gotten over it eventually for the sake of my friendship. I do want to see my friends happy and if she saw her happiness in a dude I was fucking with that I know I didn't really want forreal, she could have him. I can be grown about shit regardless of how hard it may seem to do on the outside. I would have needed some time but I could have gotten over it. What pisses me off about it is instead of my friend being real with me about how she felt, she tried to hide it. She was being sneaky. She was on some other shit. She wasn't being the friend that she was claiming to be on the outside looking in. You wanna cry to me about how hurt you was that I had suspicions about you, but you go and do exactly what I knew you would. It was like she wanted me to give her ANY reason to fuck this nigga, and I never did, so she created on in her head. She made it okay for her in her mind because apparently I was kicking her to the curb for this guy anyway.
I will admit that I was distancing myself from her, but that shit had nothing to do with him. It had everything to do with her and her attitude towards me that I could pick up on whether she expressed it or not. I could tell from her actions. From her trying to hide how she really felt. It came out whether she realized it or not. And I played dumb for a long time because I was just waiting to see what she was gonna do. How she was gonna play shit, and she definitely chose that nigga over our friendship AND THEN tried to put it on me. AFTER THE FACT THO. Like you can't be mad at me for not wanting to fuck with you after you been backdooring me and being wild disrespectful about it. And just because you thought I didn't know you still continued to TRY and be friends with me. I don't need friends that bad. I will be alone before I be around people I KNOW I can't trust. Like if you was such an upstanding person you would have did whatever to not make it seem like what I thought instead of trying to hide it and be sneaky about it. And lie to me for niggas that came right back around and told me some truths, cause I know he didn't tell the whole story. But it was enough to let me know that my friend didn't give a fuck about me like I gave a fuck about her.
Competition in friendships means its no friendship to me. We rivals. We enemies without being at each other throats about it but if you always tryna think of ways you can one up me, or get at me in some way on some funny shit, i don't need you around. Period. What I look like competing for attention with my friends? In fact, they can have all the attention cause I don't even like it. I'm always about doing what I came for and leaving, I don't like wasting time on extra shit. Hold up let me add on to a previous statement, what I look like competing for attention with my friends with a nigga that they could have had in the first place?
Shit was all good when I was the one who didn't have any male prospects on my team. When I was the one sitting at home doing nothing because I didn't have niggas taking me out places and doing stuff with me. It wasn't a problem then. Nobody wanted the nigga until I started fucking with him then its like everybody feelings came out of nowhere. When the nigga was tryna fuck with yall where was your mind at then? Not on him, but the second I start fucking with the nigga its a problem. Im saying fuck my friends for the nigga. I'm the bad friend because now I chose to spend my time and money with a man instead of my friends. Now that I had developed some type of life outside of my friends, all hell broke loose. And the crazy part about it is I considered EVERYONE in the situation. EVERYONE. I thought about one friend who I knew would probably feel some type of way about me talking to the dude because she used to, and it was a couple times that I went to visit her just to tell her about me and him. I will admit I was scared of what she would say about it, and how it would affect our friendship. I knew I needed to tell her but eventually shit got to point with me and him where it wasn't even shit to tell because of all the drama that was goin on. I'll take that situation on the job and admit that I should have said something because I should have. As a friend. But I didnt try to hide it. I didn't try to be sneaky about it. I didn't lie about anything because I was never asked about anything. But I did leave the truth out but I always said I would deal with it when it came up and right now I feel like it has come up in a sense. And whereas I don't expect anything to change, I would like to talk to this friend about everything because I just want to clear it up and let her know that I was wrong, I should have said something, and I'm sorry. I didn't apologize to her like I did my other friend and I do owe her that much. For my sake. Whatever she wants to do with my apology, is up to her. I just need to get it off my chest because I do feel bad about it.
Now when it comes to the other friend, I don't know how I feel about it. I still have mixed feelings about everything only because I haven't heard her side of the story but I don't know if I can handle it. Idk if I'm ready to sit down and hear a bunch of excuses because I know thats what it will be. And I know that I could never let her back into my life until we had a conversation about everything. I just want to be at peace with the situation and right now I'm not. I feel like I did something that caused her to act that way but I don't know what. I feel like its a lot deeper issues than her fucking him because they wanted to. I can't really pinpoint what could have created this situation because on my end, I tried. I really put forth the effort to be a good friend. Even when I knew it was fuck shit going on behind the scenes. I still went through the friend motions even though I knew won't a lot of friendly shit going on between us. My friendship with this girl meant more to me than a nigga and she can ask anybody I talked to about it. That was the one thing I kept saying that I didn't like that dude enough to say fuck our friendship over him. But apparently she did. It was something. He even admitted to me that he felt like she was mad at me because I had somebody that I could talk to and chill with and spend time with. I just really can't understand and I think thats what bothers me most. I feel like I almost need to talk to her just so I can hear where she was coming from and then go from there. I mean as far as us being friends like we were thats dead. But we do have mutual friends and I would like for shit to be cordial at the very least. I don't have to fuck wit her anymore, but I just know Imma have to see her one day and I don't hate her at all. I hate the decision that she made and how it has affected our friendship and I just don't know how to come back from that. Especially when we've had a falling out before because of some of the same issues and I'm not a fool. And we never really talked about shit then, I just let it go eventually over time and we became cool again. I'm wondering if thats what she thinks is gonna happen because this shit is on a whole different level than before. This shit is a trust issue. Its a respect issue. Its a honesty issue. I don't feel like she was ever really my friend, especially since people have told me that they thought she was on some other shit when it came to me back in the day. I feel like it has been going on and me being me, I just been ignoring it. But now I've been on this whole you gone treat me right type shit or imma peace out on that ass, and believing the bullshit even when I know its lies days are over with.
I really think what happened was is her normal tactics that she would use towards me wasn't working. I stopped caring. I stopped going out of my way for her. I started being the friend to her that she been to me all this time and she wasn't happy about it. But it was long overdue. She always talking about her situation this and that, but she knows that I hate being used and taken advantage of and I hate needy ass people but that didn't stop her from always wanting to use our friendship as a motive to get me to do shit for her. And thats basically what it was. Like I said, my only requirement for friendship is me enjoying their company. I can pretty much deal with other shit, as long as the negativity isn't too bad. But her negativity had gotten to be too much for me.
I be tryna be a grown up, and most situations I never been down for, so now that I'm older its definitely out of the question for me. I don't care how small of a town we are from, its not cool to be sharing niggas with your friends. Shit like that does not exist in my world and I will do whatever to avoid it. I will pass a nigga on to my friend that I know I liked but just to avoid tension she can have him cause at the end of the day, the man decides who he wants and if he wants to try both of us, he won't the nigga for me anyway. The nigga thats for me gone be like Nope I want her, and I wouldn't fuck with any of her friends to jeopardize what we could have. He wouldn't even cross the line with any of my friends because he knows about respect and he won't let his dick make decisions for him. But sharing niggas, naw I'm not down for. And that was the main issue to me. I felt like she was cool with it. Like she didn't care about me fucking around with him as long as it didn't interfere with what she wanted him to do for her. And when it started to interfere it was like she felt like I was taking something from her and she had to fight back. But thats mindboggling to me because I went above and beyond and kept cool about them texting and talking to each other even when I felt like as a friend she should have drew the line herself but she didn't. And a lot of times I would talk to him about drawing the line between them two but he never did it either. I don't wanna say I let them be cool, but I let them live when it came to their friendship. What bitch do you know would have sat back and been cool about that shit and give them the benefit of the doubt about it even when YOU KNOW its a bunch of bullshit anyway?
I'm way too fucking nice and I know it. But I chose to be nice in a lot of situations because I just can't force myself to be mean on purpose, even when I feel like people deserve the mean side of me. I'm not a punk or a bitch but I will avoid unnecessary conflict. I can walk away from some shit but this situation seems to need some type of conflict since me being peaceful doesn't make me feel better about it. I won't get any satisfaction from walking away this time because I have some things I want to express and get off my chest. A much needed conversation has to be had on both ends because I feel like this is something that would eat away at me for life. And I will feel better with myself knowing I tried to understand and that I tried to settle it and talk about it and get things back to a point where at least the tension is gone. I'm tryna be a grown up about it but I can't force anyone to be a grown up with me. And thats the bottom line of the situation. Everybody wanna act like they so grown and so responsible and so real, but when it comes down to being those things forreal, everybody flake out. That shit is not easy. I struggle with tryna be a grown up because I'd rather have things taken care of for me too but I can't live like this forever. I'm 26. And I could live on my own but right now I have a situation where I live with other people and help out as they need me to. I have my freedom, and space, but having a space of your own is always the best. At least to me. I'm tryna take life one day at a time and do the right thing by myself and people. And I need to get myself together because these extra thoughts are distracting me right now and I do not need distractions. I have to handle this, both situations, well its actually three, but I pray that God gives me the strength and courage to be honest and to be real and to keep calm when I know I will probably want to lash out and be defensive. being defensive is not gonna solve anything. God please allow me to be open to criticism about myself and allow me to express my feelings about others to them in a manner that will come across well. Amen.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Brainstorming
I'm the kind of person who constantly has ideas for all kinds of random things. I'm currently working on a screenplay and trying to develop a business plan for a top secret project. Okay its not really top secret, but only me and Jesus know whats up at the moment. I have a very hard time focusing on anything so working on different things at once actually works for me. It allows me to rest my brain and stay fresh with what I am trying to do. Once I get writers block, I can always move on to one of my other ideas and start developing that more.
My dilemma is I am not a good finisher. I've been working on that here lately but I still suck at completing things. I am a great starter and a mediocre follow upper but when it comes to finishing, I'm more of the procrasinate until the last minute and make whatever I have look as good as it possibly can. And thats when I have deadlines. I really have to start carving out specific times where I work on certain things. I really do have too many hobbies and interests to narrow down. I almost want to try everything out. Thats not exactly good for business purposes and the fact that I need to finish something in order for the magic to happen. I know God is waiting on me. I need help on getting it together. I think if I had my own space to really work on things I would do better but my rooms at home are a mess. Yes I said rooms but one is just where I sleep and the other is where I store my mass amounts of crap that I accumulate from who knows where.
I need to get it together. I need to find a place where I can go and write and relax and not be bothered by people or excessive noise. I have no idea where that would be, besides the library. I guess I could do that. I am not the work from home type. When my shit start poppin, Imma definitely have to have some office space, not at home. I guess my work office can do for now. I get a lot of downtime, which is good. Most days. God just let me know what I should do.
Peace and Love.
My dilemma is I am not a good finisher. I've been working on that here lately but I still suck at completing things. I am a great starter and a mediocre follow upper but when it comes to finishing, I'm more of the procrasinate until the last minute and make whatever I have look as good as it possibly can. And thats when I have deadlines. I really have to start carving out specific times where I work on certain things. I really do have too many hobbies and interests to narrow down. I almost want to try everything out. Thats not exactly good for business purposes and the fact that I need to finish something in order for the magic to happen. I know God is waiting on me. I need help on getting it together. I think if I had my own space to really work on things I would do better but my rooms at home are a mess. Yes I said rooms but one is just where I sleep and the other is where I store my mass amounts of crap that I accumulate from who knows where.
I need to get it together. I need to find a place where I can go and write and relax and not be bothered by people or excessive noise. I have no idea where that would be, besides the library. I guess I could do that. I am not the work from home type. When my shit start poppin, Imma definitely have to have some office space, not at home. I guess my work office can do for now. I get a lot of downtime, which is good. Most days. God just let me know what I should do.
Peace and Love.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
I'm Back!
Did you miss me or miss my raps bitch? -Gucci.
WHATS GOOD?!? I'm currently talking to myself I'm sure but let me tell you, it feels good to be back. Back in the sense of feeling like myself again. Back in the sense of me returning from a place but being exactly where I need to be. That place meaning a previous state of mind. A state of mind that was not working out for me and the life I want to live. A life of love. Loving everything in my world and letting go of whats not working for me anymore. Life. Live and you learn is right.
I'm so excited to say that I feel more like the real me. I'm not fighting myself anymore. My heart and mind have come to terms and have decided to compromise. FINALLY. It didn't happen over night, thats for damn sure. I'm in a good place right now. My social life SUCKS, but that was pretty expected. Whenever I feel like I'm doing good and making progress in life, I always feel alone. Its weird. I'm never on the same page with my friends. Which probably is a sign that I need to get new friends. Which is a totally different subject that I don't know if I want to even get started on right now. I might be back to that.
But its amazing to me how strangers can be more of a support system at times. I feel better telling people I don't know about whats going on with me because they actually seem happy for me. I get tired of tryna brainstorm with people and their only feedback is why it wouldn't work. I appreciate the concerns but I'm not afraid of hard work and effort. The fact that it might be too much work doesn't move me. I can handle the work. I just need to feel like my hard work and effort will be worth it. Are people gonna support me? Am I gonna make the profits I'm looking to make? Am I gonna make a difference in people's lives? Are people gonna get my loving message? Those are the questions that concern me.
I'm currently in Entrepreneurial school. Its more of a program that helps equip you to start your own small business, but I call it school cause they give me homework. Which I still haven't done; I've never been a fan of homework. I'm tryna get my life together. I decided I will be a philanthropist and entrepreneur. And thats narrowing it down for me. God has definitely been connecting me with the resources I need. I pray I take advantage of what will really help me in the long run. I gotta start setting time aside to really focus on what I want to do. I'm an ideas person so I always have an idea for something, its bringing to to fruition where imma need some work. I think working on getting things out of my head and written down in a business plan will help tremendously.
Back to my social life though, can we say damn near non-existent? lol. My one female friend I was hanging out with on a normal basis crossed the friendship line so I had to let her go. I still feel some kind of way about it but I don't need well-wishing, friendly acting, envy-hiding snakes around me. I don't need crabs in a barrel tryna pull me down to their level. I'm really tryna actively do something with my life. And not just have fun, but set my future self up in a good position where I don't have to worry about money and things. Where I can have a peace of mind and trust those around me. I gotta have that. I don't function properly when I'm not feeling the love or at least respect. I don't take well to be disrespected and I don't care who you are, I will shut down and it will be wrap for you on my end. It is what it is. I didn't make the decision to stop being friends, it was made for me. Its a loss but I think it was a much needed one. For my sake. Long over due, according to anybody who knew our relationship.
Feelings get the best of people which is why I always encourage talking and trying to stay on the same page. But I can't make people be honest with me. I can't make people express how they really feel. I can't make anyone do shit. All I can do is deal accordingly and my way of dealing with things I can't change is to distance myself. You can't talk to a brick wall and expect it to respond back. I've learned that. And even though I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, I cannot hide how I'm feeling. Its gonna come out. I don't like dealing with things in sneaky, underhanded ways. I'd rather talk about it and deal with the truth. Good karma over everything.
But Long post short, Life is Good. I woke up this morning. I made it to my job. I have my health. My fam is good. Fun is in the air. God loves me and I love him more. I have everything I need. Time to kick it up a notch and show out a little bit just because I can.
You ready God, lets go get em!!!!!!!
LOVE.
WHATS GOOD?!? I'm currently talking to myself I'm sure but let me tell you, it feels good to be back. Back in the sense of feeling like myself again. Back in the sense of me returning from a place but being exactly where I need to be. That place meaning a previous state of mind. A state of mind that was not working out for me and the life I want to live. A life of love. Loving everything in my world and letting go of whats not working for me anymore. Life. Live and you learn is right.
I'm so excited to say that I feel more like the real me. I'm not fighting myself anymore. My heart and mind have come to terms and have decided to compromise. FINALLY. It didn't happen over night, thats for damn sure. I'm in a good place right now. My social life SUCKS, but that was pretty expected. Whenever I feel like I'm doing good and making progress in life, I always feel alone. Its weird. I'm never on the same page with my friends. Which probably is a sign that I need to get new friends. Which is a totally different subject that I don't know if I want to even get started on right now. I might be back to that.
But its amazing to me how strangers can be more of a support system at times. I feel better telling people I don't know about whats going on with me because they actually seem happy for me. I get tired of tryna brainstorm with people and their only feedback is why it wouldn't work. I appreciate the concerns but I'm not afraid of hard work and effort. The fact that it might be too much work doesn't move me. I can handle the work. I just need to feel like my hard work and effort will be worth it. Are people gonna support me? Am I gonna make the profits I'm looking to make? Am I gonna make a difference in people's lives? Are people gonna get my loving message? Those are the questions that concern me.
I'm currently in Entrepreneurial school. Its more of a program that helps equip you to start your own small business, but I call it school cause they give me homework. Which I still haven't done; I've never been a fan of homework. I'm tryna get my life together. I decided I will be a philanthropist and entrepreneur. And thats narrowing it down for me. God has definitely been connecting me with the resources I need. I pray I take advantage of what will really help me in the long run. I gotta start setting time aside to really focus on what I want to do. I'm an ideas person so I always have an idea for something, its bringing to to fruition where imma need some work. I think working on getting things out of my head and written down in a business plan will help tremendously.
Back to my social life though, can we say damn near non-existent? lol. My one female friend I was hanging out with on a normal basis crossed the friendship line so I had to let her go. I still feel some kind of way about it but I don't need well-wishing, friendly acting, envy-hiding snakes around me. I don't need crabs in a barrel tryna pull me down to their level. I'm really tryna actively do something with my life. And not just have fun, but set my future self up in a good position where I don't have to worry about money and things. Where I can have a peace of mind and trust those around me. I gotta have that. I don't function properly when I'm not feeling the love or at least respect. I don't take well to be disrespected and I don't care who you are, I will shut down and it will be wrap for you on my end. It is what it is. I didn't make the decision to stop being friends, it was made for me. Its a loss but I think it was a much needed one. For my sake. Long over due, according to anybody who knew our relationship.
Feelings get the best of people which is why I always encourage talking and trying to stay on the same page. But I can't make people be honest with me. I can't make people express how they really feel. I can't make anyone do shit. All I can do is deal accordingly and my way of dealing with things I can't change is to distance myself. You can't talk to a brick wall and expect it to respond back. I've learned that. And even though I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, I cannot hide how I'm feeling. Its gonna come out. I don't like dealing with things in sneaky, underhanded ways. I'd rather talk about it and deal with the truth. Good karma over everything.
But Long post short, Life is Good. I woke up this morning. I made it to my job. I have my health. My fam is good. Fun is in the air. God loves me and I love him more. I have everything I need. Time to kick it up a notch and show out a little bit just because I can.
You ready God, lets go get em!!!!!!!
LOVE.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Frustrated
I can literally feel myself getting to the point of going the fuck off. I've been taking care of a lot of shit in my life and I am greatly satisfied with how things are coming together. Nothing is set in stone right now, but I have options. I do not feel stuck anymore at all. If anything I am so ready to break free of the bullshit and move on that hopefully my anxiousness doesn't make me jump the gun on anything. I'm still trying to be patient and just see what option will be best for me, in the short and long run.
But the one thing that I am still dealing with is Him. I just don't even know where to begin. I get mad whenever I talk to him. I don't even really know why. Well I take that back, I know exactly why I get mad, I just don't know why I bother getting mad. That sounds better. I am really getting to the point where Imma just be over it all if something doesn't change soon. Something that lets me know we are moving towards being with each other. But he just not in the mind frame for that. His mind frame is too wrapped into his reality that he has to deal with and he is losing sight of what he really wants. Everything is all about keeping what he has going on together.
He trying but fuck that. And what really pisses me off is he acts like he taking this big fucking risk like I have never done anything for him. Everything that happened with him was my worst fear. Shit like what happened is one of the major reasons why I never really wanted to fall in love with somebody. But thats not shit to him though because I didn't lose any money. I just lost my ability to fall in love and really trust somebody ever again. Well i'm exaggerating, but shit he don't know that. That shit really could have fucked me up. And if it wasn't for me talking to his ex and seeing how fucked up she was, I would be down a totally different path right now. Luckily I'm used to not allowing shit to fuck me up for too long, and I can deal with shit and eventually regain my own happiness.
I JUST got back to the point where I feel like my old self again. I won't say that he necessarily started the downward spiral but he damn sure catapulted me to what I think was one of my lowest moments ever. I didn't know if I was gonna ever recover from that shit. How do you accept KNOWING that someone would rather be with you but because he had a child, he feels like he should be with his babymama for his child's sake? I see the logic in that but to me everything does not have to make sense in the mind. And it should be a balance between your heart and mind. Because just following one or the other could lead you to some fucked up places.
And all I really want him to do is recognize all the shit that I have done FOR HIM. Because I can tell in his mind, he doesn't see where I have done anything for him. Because its not in terms of money or anything that you can physically see. But just how I handled and carried myself in the situation made a lot of difference in how things are playing out today. The things that I could have done and said and been RIGHTFULLY SO would have fucked up a lot of shit for him and his relationship with his son. I recognized that and avoided it despite being disrespected and played as this homewrecker who was trying to fuck up a family. I HAD SO MUCH SHIT THAT I COULD HAVE SAID and it was all truth so there was no way that he would be able to deny it and she would believe me over him anyway. I didn't have to make up lies to make her feel bad like she tried to do with me. I could have crushed her spirit with the truth, but I chose not to because it was not my place to say anything. I cleared my name in the situation because I am not a homewrecker, but as far as telling truths that didn't affect me, I kept all that to myself. He asked me to chill out when things were really crazy and I did. I don't get any credit for that though.
I know he think my mom likes him and there's no doubt in my mind that she doesn't. However, the only reason she still likes him after everything was because of me. She definitely wanted to hate him because she knew how much I liked him and she liked the fact that he made me so happy. So of course, she was ready to say fuck him once i told her what happened, but I made him look like a fucking saint to her compared to how he really made me feel. The only reason any of my friends or family haven't been talking cold shit about his ass is because of me. I didn't allow them to do it. I shut it down as soon as they tried to start. They didn't know him like I did and I didn't want them forming opinions about him based off stuff I said and how I was feeling at the moment. Once again, I looked out for him despite how stupid I had to sound for taking up for somebody that just fucking ripped my heart out and stomped on the motherfucker. But I don't get any credit for that either.
I don't get any credit for trying to be understanding about what he was going through and the decisions he had to make concerning everything. I even placed a lot of the blame on myself for a while, and I could have handled things differently but in that moment, i thought what i was doing was the right thing to do. And in a sense I was. I was threatening to stop fucking with him all the time because I was hoping he wouldn't let it happen. I was hoping that he would see that I wasn't playing and he would fix the situation. But he didn't. All he saw was me saying I would leave him, and that probably was not the best thing to be showing him at that time. I recognize that now, but even still, he should have seen it as more than that. He should have known that I didn't want to stop talking to him, but I had to. He was making me feel stupid. I don't give a fuck what somebody else think, but I can't sit around and be involved in dumb shit regardless of how much I care. I always care about me more.
All I'm stuck with nowadays is trying to prove and explain myself because of all the assumptions he wants to make about me and the things that I do towards him when he should KNOW that I have looked out for him from day one. When I would go grocery shopping, I went shopping for both of us. It was no coincidence that I always had shit he liked. For holidays, I made sure I bought him something. I noticed how he had all these cute boxers with sayings and shit, so whenever I would go in stores, I would always go look and see if they had any good ones. Or how I always made it my business to make sure I fucked him very well. Lets not even talk about all the shit that he NEVER got to see for Valentines day and the breakfast I made with heart pancakes and all that shit that I had to just throw away. Or the time I went to go see him and I had $20 to my name for the week until I got paid, and I spent $15 of that on a cab to his house. Or how I got Jennifer to take me around to places where I knew he would be and I made these cute Have you seen my snuggie signs just because I wanted him to know I still cared about him, but I still wanted to respect that we decided to stop talking.
And to top that all off, I have NEVER asked him for anything. Well I do remember asking him for some money one time but that was only because I really needed it, but of course, he couldn't give it to me. But that was it. I know for a fact that it is not one thing on this earth that I have come out of my mouth and asked him for. Even with everything not once have I ever told him to leave her or be disrespectful or play her in anyway. I'm sure its easy to tell that I want him to leave her but I never ever asked him to carry her for me. Thats the type of shit she wanted him to do towards me. And another thing thats fucked up is he actually would do it. Like just tell me whatever to make her happy. Just fuck my feelings huh? I don't know why I even get mad anymore. She been working on getting him to carry me for a while. I should be used to it by now. It's so bad now that he carry me all the time and don't even realize it. In whose mind does it make sense for you to call me and ask me about having a threesome with you and a bitch that YOU KNOW I feel some type of way about. And then wonder why I got mad about it. But what really pissed me off is that he told me HE KNEW I would get mad about it but he asked me anyway because she kept bothering him to do it. I hope the bitch don't ever ask him to kill me or some shit like that. I don't know how far he willing to take it, but if we going off his track record, I'm as good as dead. But I kinda went off an a tangent there.
Back to what I was saying...I've always been cool about shit. I didn't start tripping about shit until he started acting stupid. I kept my mouth shut about ALOT of stuff because I would always tell myself he can do whatever he want because he not your boyfriend. I always from day one whenever he called me I would stop whatever I was doing and find a way to get to him. If I didn't give a fuck, I could have easily been like I'm busy. Or I'm not driving right now. I made myself available. When he was coming to my house every weekend without me even asking, I missed a bunch bday parties, thanksgiving and christmas' with my family FOR HIM. Anybody who knows me knows that I am family first so for me to miss thanksgiving and christmas for a nigga, thats serious.
And I think thats what hurts me the most now. Throughout everything I never once was on some I dont give a fuck shit. If anything, I cared way too fucking much. I still think I care too much even though I've let a lot of shit go when it comes to the situation, but its still shit that pisses me off because even though I know his intentions are not bad, everything he does towards me comes across like I don't give a fuck about Megan until my dick get hard. We used to talk all the time about everything. He probably knows more about me than a lot of my friends do. I treated him like family. And by family, I mean I inconvenienced myself a lot for his sake. I thought about him before I thought about myself. I let my family do that because I really care and I like to think that if I ever need them, they got me. I guess with my family track record, I really shouldn't be surprised. They definitely didn't help me when I needed it. So the shit hurts my feelings that he only calls me when he can fuck. That's the only time he will make an effort to see me. Not just to see how I'm doing. Or to just chill. But to fuck. Thats the main goal. And then he wanna know why I tell him shit like well if you just wanna fuck somebody, find you a bitch close that you can fuck. You don't need me. If its just pussy you want, then you live with a pussy you can have anytime. Fuck her. I'm sure its bitches around where you live that would give you some ass. Fuck them.
And it confuses the fuck out of me when he says shit like I can't stop talking to you. Wait what? Ummm we don't talk. So I can't tell. It seems like you have no problem not talking to me. He doesn't ever just call me to talk. If I get a message from him I already know he must have a window of opportunity to come fuck me. So maybe he can't stop wanting to fuck me. That would make more sense to me. Because that matches up with his actions and the things that I can tell from observation. He says he don't just be talking good shit, but he never acts on it, so either way, its just words until he starts acting on them. It just hurts because I actually really fucking care despite all the bullshit and at the end of the day I really appreciate all the time we spent, and him bringing me pads, and cooking me thanksgiving dinner, and calling me everyday to talk and making an effort to come see me on the weekends so im not in the house alone. I was feeling real fucked up about how my family was treating me and he really helped me deal with all that. And im sure he doesn't even know it. He was the only person that I could depend on and that I fucked with up here. It was just the fact that he was there. And I miss having somebody looking out for me and my best interests. Somebody I can trust and be myself with. And I am not sure if he will ever realize how much I mean everything I say to him. Cause if I didn't really love him and give a fuck, I would have been done WAY before a child ever came into the picture. Hopefully something will get through to him one day. *sigh*
But the one thing that I am still dealing with is Him. I just don't even know where to begin. I get mad whenever I talk to him. I don't even really know why. Well I take that back, I know exactly why I get mad, I just don't know why I bother getting mad. That sounds better. I am really getting to the point where Imma just be over it all if something doesn't change soon. Something that lets me know we are moving towards being with each other. But he just not in the mind frame for that. His mind frame is too wrapped into his reality that he has to deal with and he is losing sight of what he really wants. Everything is all about keeping what he has going on together.
He trying but fuck that. And what really pisses me off is he acts like he taking this big fucking risk like I have never done anything for him. Everything that happened with him was my worst fear. Shit like what happened is one of the major reasons why I never really wanted to fall in love with somebody. But thats not shit to him though because I didn't lose any money. I just lost my ability to fall in love and really trust somebody ever again. Well i'm exaggerating, but shit he don't know that. That shit really could have fucked me up. And if it wasn't for me talking to his ex and seeing how fucked up she was, I would be down a totally different path right now. Luckily I'm used to not allowing shit to fuck me up for too long, and I can deal with shit and eventually regain my own happiness.
I JUST got back to the point where I feel like my old self again. I won't say that he necessarily started the downward spiral but he damn sure catapulted me to what I think was one of my lowest moments ever. I didn't know if I was gonna ever recover from that shit. How do you accept KNOWING that someone would rather be with you but because he had a child, he feels like he should be with his babymama for his child's sake? I see the logic in that but to me everything does not have to make sense in the mind. And it should be a balance between your heart and mind. Because just following one or the other could lead you to some fucked up places.
And all I really want him to do is recognize all the shit that I have done FOR HIM. Because I can tell in his mind, he doesn't see where I have done anything for him. Because its not in terms of money or anything that you can physically see. But just how I handled and carried myself in the situation made a lot of difference in how things are playing out today. The things that I could have done and said and been RIGHTFULLY SO would have fucked up a lot of shit for him and his relationship with his son. I recognized that and avoided it despite being disrespected and played as this homewrecker who was trying to fuck up a family. I HAD SO MUCH SHIT THAT I COULD HAVE SAID and it was all truth so there was no way that he would be able to deny it and she would believe me over him anyway. I didn't have to make up lies to make her feel bad like she tried to do with me. I could have crushed her spirit with the truth, but I chose not to because it was not my place to say anything. I cleared my name in the situation because I am not a homewrecker, but as far as telling truths that didn't affect me, I kept all that to myself. He asked me to chill out when things were really crazy and I did. I don't get any credit for that though.
I know he think my mom likes him and there's no doubt in my mind that she doesn't. However, the only reason she still likes him after everything was because of me. She definitely wanted to hate him because she knew how much I liked him and she liked the fact that he made me so happy. So of course, she was ready to say fuck him once i told her what happened, but I made him look like a fucking saint to her compared to how he really made me feel. The only reason any of my friends or family haven't been talking cold shit about his ass is because of me. I didn't allow them to do it. I shut it down as soon as they tried to start. They didn't know him like I did and I didn't want them forming opinions about him based off stuff I said and how I was feeling at the moment. Once again, I looked out for him despite how stupid I had to sound for taking up for somebody that just fucking ripped my heart out and stomped on the motherfucker. But I don't get any credit for that either.
I don't get any credit for trying to be understanding about what he was going through and the decisions he had to make concerning everything. I even placed a lot of the blame on myself for a while, and I could have handled things differently but in that moment, i thought what i was doing was the right thing to do. And in a sense I was. I was threatening to stop fucking with him all the time because I was hoping he wouldn't let it happen. I was hoping that he would see that I wasn't playing and he would fix the situation. But he didn't. All he saw was me saying I would leave him, and that probably was not the best thing to be showing him at that time. I recognize that now, but even still, he should have seen it as more than that. He should have known that I didn't want to stop talking to him, but I had to. He was making me feel stupid. I don't give a fuck what somebody else think, but I can't sit around and be involved in dumb shit regardless of how much I care. I always care about me more.
All I'm stuck with nowadays is trying to prove and explain myself because of all the assumptions he wants to make about me and the things that I do towards him when he should KNOW that I have looked out for him from day one. When I would go grocery shopping, I went shopping for both of us. It was no coincidence that I always had shit he liked. For holidays, I made sure I bought him something. I noticed how he had all these cute boxers with sayings and shit, so whenever I would go in stores, I would always go look and see if they had any good ones. Or how I always made it my business to make sure I fucked him very well. Lets not even talk about all the shit that he NEVER got to see for Valentines day and the breakfast I made with heart pancakes and all that shit that I had to just throw away. Or the time I went to go see him and I had $20 to my name for the week until I got paid, and I spent $15 of that on a cab to his house. Or how I got Jennifer to take me around to places where I knew he would be and I made these cute Have you seen my snuggie signs just because I wanted him to know I still cared about him, but I still wanted to respect that we decided to stop talking.
And to top that all off, I have NEVER asked him for anything. Well I do remember asking him for some money one time but that was only because I really needed it, but of course, he couldn't give it to me. But that was it. I know for a fact that it is not one thing on this earth that I have come out of my mouth and asked him for. Even with everything not once have I ever told him to leave her or be disrespectful or play her in anyway. I'm sure its easy to tell that I want him to leave her but I never ever asked him to carry her for me. Thats the type of shit she wanted him to do towards me. And another thing thats fucked up is he actually would do it. Like just tell me whatever to make her happy. Just fuck my feelings huh? I don't know why I even get mad anymore. She been working on getting him to carry me for a while. I should be used to it by now. It's so bad now that he carry me all the time and don't even realize it. In whose mind does it make sense for you to call me and ask me about having a threesome with you and a bitch that YOU KNOW I feel some type of way about. And then wonder why I got mad about it. But what really pissed me off is that he told me HE KNEW I would get mad about it but he asked me anyway because she kept bothering him to do it. I hope the bitch don't ever ask him to kill me or some shit like that. I don't know how far he willing to take it, but if we going off his track record, I'm as good as dead. But I kinda went off an a tangent there.
Back to what I was saying...I've always been cool about shit. I didn't start tripping about shit until he started acting stupid. I kept my mouth shut about ALOT of stuff because I would always tell myself he can do whatever he want because he not your boyfriend. I always from day one whenever he called me I would stop whatever I was doing and find a way to get to him. If I didn't give a fuck, I could have easily been like I'm busy. Or I'm not driving right now. I made myself available. When he was coming to my house every weekend without me even asking, I missed a bunch bday parties, thanksgiving and christmas' with my family FOR HIM. Anybody who knows me knows that I am family first so for me to miss thanksgiving and christmas for a nigga, thats serious.
And I think thats what hurts me the most now. Throughout everything I never once was on some I dont give a fuck shit. If anything, I cared way too fucking much. I still think I care too much even though I've let a lot of shit go when it comes to the situation, but its still shit that pisses me off because even though I know his intentions are not bad, everything he does towards me comes across like I don't give a fuck about Megan until my dick get hard. We used to talk all the time about everything. He probably knows more about me than a lot of my friends do. I treated him like family. And by family, I mean I inconvenienced myself a lot for his sake. I thought about him before I thought about myself. I let my family do that because I really care and I like to think that if I ever need them, they got me. I guess with my family track record, I really shouldn't be surprised. They definitely didn't help me when I needed it. So the shit hurts my feelings that he only calls me when he can fuck. That's the only time he will make an effort to see me. Not just to see how I'm doing. Or to just chill. But to fuck. Thats the main goal. And then he wanna know why I tell him shit like well if you just wanna fuck somebody, find you a bitch close that you can fuck. You don't need me. If its just pussy you want, then you live with a pussy you can have anytime. Fuck her. I'm sure its bitches around where you live that would give you some ass. Fuck them.
And it confuses the fuck out of me when he says shit like I can't stop talking to you. Wait what? Ummm we don't talk. So I can't tell. It seems like you have no problem not talking to me. He doesn't ever just call me to talk. If I get a message from him I already know he must have a window of opportunity to come fuck me. So maybe he can't stop wanting to fuck me. That would make more sense to me. Because that matches up with his actions and the things that I can tell from observation. He says he don't just be talking good shit, but he never acts on it, so either way, its just words until he starts acting on them. It just hurts because I actually really fucking care despite all the bullshit and at the end of the day I really appreciate all the time we spent, and him bringing me pads, and cooking me thanksgiving dinner, and calling me everyday to talk and making an effort to come see me on the weekends so im not in the house alone. I was feeling real fucked up about how my family was treating me and he really helped me deal with all that. And im sure he doesn't even know it. He was the only person that I could depend on and that I fucked with up here. It was just the fact that he was there. And I miss having somebody looking out for me and my best interests. Somebody I can trust and be myself with. And I am not sure if he will ever realize how much I mean everything I say to him. Cause if I didn't really love him and give a fuck, I would have been done WAY before a child ever came into the picture. Hopefully something will get through to him one day. *sigh*
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Two Posts in One Day. I predict snow tomorrow.
Lol.
I crack myself up. Today started off very slow, but it seems like it may end kinda promising. I'm going to go cook some more tonight. Thinking about starting a cupcake business. I have so many great ideas. I need some investors.
Ta-Ta For Now!
I crack myself up. Today started off very slow, but it seems like it may end kinda promising. I'm going to go cook some more tonight. Thinking about starting a cupcake business. I have so many great ideas. I need some investors.
Ta-Ta For Now!
Progression
Thats always a good thing. I have decided that LOVE is going to be the motivation. I have a very huge list of things that I would LOVE to do or experience in life. I am in the process of trying to sort things out so that I can start accomplishing this long list of things I want to do and experience. From all different types of standpoints; career, love, traveling, family and so forth. I am not concerned with trying to be this larger than life person who makes this great big difference in the world. I'm more concerned with doing something that I love, and I guess if thats what happens as a result of it, then I'll take that.
I just want to be me, and have fun and experience life. I want to enjoy life first, and do and be with those things that will allow me to do that. That is the main goal. Good times and stories to tell the grandkids is very important to me. I want to live the life that I have imagined. I want to be the person that God intended me to be. I am working hard on that.
Doing the "right" thing is very hard when everyone around you is doing the "wrong" thing and getting the results that you would damn near die to have. And what makes it even harder to bare is knowing that people work so hard to get what they say they want, and then won't even enjoy it. Or people who know there is something better for them, but won't do what they need to do to get it. Its very frustrating and defeating.
I try to not be so concerned with what everyone else is out here doing. I can only control myself. And everything just is what it is. I keep telling myself I need to just do me, but its hard when I'd rather do him. Thats kind of on a whole different subject, but that is a lot of my problem now. Him. Boy if I had one of those MIB flashy things I would have definitely used it by now. I am trying to remain open minded, but its hard when I know EXACTLY what I want, but I can't have it because its not my decision to make. And I don't necessarily want to influence the decision by doing anything, I want minds to be made up on their own. To me that is the better outcome because that way no one can say that I had anything to do with it.
And while I'm just rambling, I just want things to come to an end now. I feel it all coming to some type of conclusion soon, and I like to hope that I have proven myself enough, but you never know what someone else is thinking. I've given it to God and as of lately, I see a little promise for the future, but again, nothing definitive that I can say with absolute certainty, so therefore, I try to pay it no mind. I like to base my decisions on truth and fact, not what people think or opinions or even what they say or do. I would need a clear cut sign that this is the desired outcome before I can proceed with Him any further. I'm not asking to be married tomorrow, I just want some type of commitment. Something letting me know that he is serious this time, and not just saying shit cause it sound nice. Cause I can tell thats the type of shit he on, and thats not where I feel he need to be if he gone ever do what he know he need to do.
But I digress, "Whoever said progress was a slow process wasn't talking about me..." I pay attention to shit and I feel like the universe is gonna make sure I find out everything I need to know for me.
Love is the Motivation. Progression is the Desired Result. Enjoying Life is the Main Goal.
I just want to be me, and have fun and experience life. I want to enjoy life first, and do and be with those things that will allow me to do that. That is the main goal. Good times and stories to tell the grandkids is very important to me. I want to live the life that I have imagined. I want to be the person that God intended me to be. I am working hard on that.
Doing the "right" thing is very hard when everyone around you is doing the "wrong" thing and getting the results that you would damn near die to have. And what makes it even harder to bare is knowing that people work so hard to get what they say they want, and then won't even enjoy it. Or people who know there is something better for them, but won't do what they need to do to get it. Its very frustrating and defeating.
I try to not be so concerned with what everyone else is out here doing. I can only control myself. And everything just is what it is. I keep telling myself I need to just do me, but its hard when I'd rather do him. Thats kind of on a whole different subject, but that is a lot of my problem now. Him. Boy if I had one of those MIB flashy things I would have definitely used it by now. I am trying to remain open minded, but its hard when I know EXACTLY what I want, but I can't have it because its not my decision to make. And I don't necessarily want to influence the decision by doing anything, I want minds to be made up on their own. To me that is the better outcome because that way no one can say that I had anything to do with it.
And while I'm just rambling, I just want things to come to an end now. I feel it all coming to some type of conclusion soon, and I like to hope that I have proven myself enough, but you never know what someone else is thinking. I've given it to God and as of lately, I see a little promise for the future, but again, nothing definitive that I can say with absolute certainty, so therefore, I try to pay it no mind. I like to base my decisions on truth and fact, not what people think or opinions or even what they say or do. I would need a clear cut sign that this is the desired outcome before I can proceed with Him any further. I'm not asking to be married tomorrow, I just want some type of commitment. Something letting me know that he is serious this time, and not just saying shit cause it sound nice. Cause I can tell thats the type of shit he on, and thats not where I feel he need to be if he gone ever do what he know he need to do.
But I digress, "Whoever said progress was a slow process wasn't talking about me..." I pay attention to shit and I feel like the universe is gonna make sure I find out everything I need to know for me.
Love is the Motivation. Progression is the Desired Result. Enjoying Life is the Main Goal.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Threesome...yes AGAIN! smh.
I must have the look and personality of somebody who is willing to have a threesome. I have been propositioned once again, and it is the weirdest situation in the world to me. I don't even want to explain it because it is sooooooo crazy and personal. But hypothetically, lets say someone you used to fuck with called and asked you to have a threesome with them and their current sex partner.
Maybe that shit is a natural occurrence somewhere, but it will never get old to me. I am not a prude so its not really the idea of a threesome that I object to. But I have jealous tendencies and there is no way I could have a threesome with someone I used to fuck with, especially if i really cared about them.
I really think the show 'The Game' and that Melanie and Derwin threesome episode is fucking people up. Well some people I personally know. I already know the only way I could have a threesome is if it was some random bitch, but who wants to just fuck some random bitch. That shit is nasty when you think about it. But I couldn't fuck with someone that I knew cause that would be even weirder. I'd be somewhere swabbing vaginas running tests first cause you never know these days. "The prettiest people, do the ugliest things" (c) Kanye West.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Stream of Consciousness
We used to do this all the time in my Honors English classes in HS. 15 minutes and you write down everything that comes to your mind...
AND GO...
i dont even know where to begin. this is some bullshit. what this is I really don't know,but I do know it includes alot of bullshit. i hate everybody, i really do. and i dont mean to, i dont want to, but i fucking do. and i can't help it. alot of shit in my life needs to change. people wont respect me on their own so i will make them. i know i can't force anybody to do anything but i will try. at least when it comes to making people respect me. I treat people how i would like to be treated but I always get the short end of the stick because its some very selfish non-giving a fuck motherfuckers out here who only care about themselves and can't even begin to look past them and do something nice for somebody else just because its the right thing to do. well not necessarily right but its the godlike thing to do. its just what the fuck you suppose to do. and what can i do about people who chose not to walk the same path as me. nothing i guess. but i know one thing i wont be doing anymore. and thats loving and caring for people too much. i am soooooo over that shit. way beyond it all because im tired of people caring about me and loving me when its convenient for them. im not like that so the shit is mind boggling to me how it can even be done. If i care about you, i care about you. If I love you, I love you. And regardless of what happens, i always will, if i really truly deep down honestly have a connection with you and love you like i love myself. I love everybody generally but of course there are certain people who mean more to me than others and so therefore I love them more. which is understandable.
but i am just tired of dealing with people who are only capable of thinking about themselves. Im always self-minded thats just how i am. but i can think about others too. and I think right now I am noticing and thinking about others and why they are so fucked up when i should be thinking about me and why im so fucked up. and why im in the situations that i am in. Because this is some bullshit and i am tired of complaining about it. i want to fix it. and i will. i just need time. in due time all is well. I will have peace once again. that is the day that i am waiting for. the day when i can breathe a sigh of relief and say i have everything that i want. im good. that will be the fucking day.
But until then, i might need to start a bail money account cause i be on the fucking edge with everybody. and they all so used to me being nice calm megan, and just letting them fuck me over and take advantage of me that everybody has forgotten that I have feelings that need to be considered to. And i dont necessarily want to go into this protective shell and say fuck everybody. but thats what its coming down to. Cause thats how I feel. Fuck everybody. if you not helping me, you hurting me. and thats that. i'll be back on my shit one day, and im giving everybody that ever doubted me or had some negative shit to say, or who just refused to fucking help me when they know they could, my ass to kiss. But not in a fuck the world type way, but in a way, yeah bitches, you thought i really needed you huh? yeah kiss my ass motherfuckers. lol.
okay im done...LMAO!
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