My Thoughts in Poetry form

I need to talk to a couple real niggas who know me.
Cause I'm tired of people making me feel like I'm phony.
Making me feel like I'm lucifer. Lord tell me what did I do to her?
I don't get it. Probably never will.
Not a sociopath, but thats something I'll never feel.
You can't tell me I'm a bad person.
And if I am, who am I out here hurting?
What am I out here doing? Explain please before our friendship is ruined.
I don't assume. I wait for people to tell me the truth.
And when you do, don't try to discredit the proof.
I knew my role in your life when I agreed to play it.
It is what it is, I'm just not afraid to say it.
Give and take relationships are the norm, thats not the issue.
Fucking with me like its a secret is what makes me dismiss you.
I'm trouble in your world, but you painted that picture.
You drew all the side eyes that look at me different.
So its hard to believe that you give a fuck when you always searching for moments not to give a fuck.
Cause if you cared, self defense wouldn't be your mechanism.
My feelings weren't attacking you.
It was all about clarity. And I said that to you.
But I'm negative. I'm drama filled.
Whatever man, lets be real.

Real Shit

I'm gonna have to get a couple second opinions from people who know me very well so I can gauge if I should be an asshole or not. Because my first reaction was expected. I knew what kind of response I was gonna get and I was hoping for something more understanding. I should have known better though. My second thought was to start explaining myself. To defend myself. But to me, thats besides the point. Even though it would help my case to literally refute every statement with proof. I could literally do that but its my word and not necessarily proof, so at the same time, it would be irrelevant because the issue is nobody believes me anyway. And I'm a very honest person. I'm not necessarily upfront with everything. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. But I don't hide how i'm feeling either. I keep shit under control until I feel its necessary to bring it to the light.

I'm just really confused as to how to proceed with what I want to say. Because the asshole in me is like go head and say what you really wanna say. But the person that still kinda cares is like be tactful and diplomatic. Have some couth. So I'm torn between "the asshole" and the "the human being" sides of me. And honestly, I don't know if either one actually even cares though. I'm getting a little don't give a fuck from both sides because for one, I'm not a bad person. And number two, I'm definitely not a bad person to her. And number three, I specifically stated my intentions so to put the label of drama or negativity to what I said, is fucking crazy. Period. And thats what bothers me the most about everything. Even still, after I sat here and said if your only response is to call me crazy or make me feel bad, then don't respond. Make me understand because right now, all the shit that was said, came from a personal point of view. Everything I said was flipped in a way to try and make me feel bad for my feelings. My feelings work fine like I stated. And they don't come from anywhere.

Like the fact that no matter how close our relationship is, I'm going to always be my cousin's cousin. Period. She said that. And she never wanted to know any of us in the first place, but she dealt with it because Terrell was so adamant about it. You look at us like family but you deal with us accordingly. Accordingly how? Treat us like family but still be acting like we out to get you for whatever reason. My family don't operate like that, so I'm confused. If I treat somebody like family, I bring them into my world. I accept them for who they are. I don't make them feel bad for what they chose to do. I believe what they say, and even if they try to manipulate me, its funny. I say no and move on. I treat family differently and that might be the disconnection I'm feeling.

I could really break it down and explain but I don't know if I even care to though forreal. And its funny because everything she said is exactly why I feel the way I do. So I know my feelings are valid because she brought the shit up that was always sketchy to me. So there's no way that she can escape or come up with an excuse when I present it to her. But she's just gone think I took everything she said and flipped it for my purposes. But I'll know, and thats good enough for me. Like I'm not tryna argue. I don't even wanna discuss it anymore. I'm over it. Sadly. For our relationship because the feedback that I'm getting lets me know that I care more. It basically confirms what I was thinking. And I don't really know how to express that in a nice way. And I don't want to argue or make things worse. But I don't really see a resolution other than we'll probably just grow apart. I don't know to what extent, but its very apparent to me that everyone looks at me like i'm a negative person in her life and thats fine. They can think what they want, but the fact that she looks at me like this negative,drama filled person is fucking insane and I don't really know how to cordially deal with that shit. I'm not that advanced yet.

Over It

That moment when you no longer care. *sigh* I kinda don't like getting to this point because I know its all downhill from here. lol. 

People don't understand its a chore for me to care in the first place. It takes work. I don't have a natural affinity to giving a fuck about shit that does not concern me. I'd prefer to mind my own business. But people like when you care about them, so I try. I put forth the effort. I do the work. And sometimes it pays off. Most people appreciate me. Even if its just because I can provide laughs or feel good moments. I'll take that cause thats who I try to be to people. I try to be positive. I try to keep shit light-hearted. I try to have fun. I try to be real, to myself and to others. 

So of course, I would feel some type of way about people who pretend to care about me. I don't pretend. If I care, its forreal. It might not last forever, but I can put my shit to the side for someone else and be there for them. Not forever, but for as long as I can stand it. And if I feel like the person recognizes and appreciates the stuff I do, then I could probably stand it forever. Its the other side of that equation that causes me to stop fucking with people. And that's never a choice I want to make but people always seem to make it for me. 

Because at the end of the day, I know I don't treat people badly. I'm honest, and some people would rather me lie and bullshit, but I'm still honest. I cant hide how I feel. I can put the shit to the side, but it doesn't go away. I guess I'm just upset to find out how people really look at me. I truly try not to judge other people for what they do. I have my own standards that I live by, and I have my opinion on what people chose to do, but I never want to make them feel like I'm right and their wrong. Or my way of living is better than what they choose to do with their lives. I can respect everyone's individuality and I wish people would respect mine. 

People have always told me that they admired me for being myself. But thats funny to me because I'm not sure who else I would be if I wasn't being myself. Like that whole admiration is weird to me because I don't even know how I could be someone else. I couldn't imagine waking up every day and feeling like I had to act a certain way for whatever reason. Work related shit is about the only time when I have to do things that I probably wouldn't personally chose, but even then, I'm still me. I don't let people make me feel like I have to do anything, boss or not. I'm the boss of me. I move when God tell me to move. And thats it. Period. 

The more I think, the more I probably will be single forever because I like my comfort and freedom way to much to compromise it for anyone. He'd have to be a very special man in order for me to even consider it. And not too many niggas I know got the glow I'm looking for. I attract all these ego-driven motherfuckers and I get it cause my ego is very important to me as well. But not in the sense where I think I'm the shit, and everybody else is beneath me. I control my ego, not the other way around. I was raised to appreciate everybody. Every person on this earth has something to offer, whether they act like it or appear that way or whatever. I try to be humble because I see arrogant ass people who act like they can't even be associated with someone just because of what someone else might think. I've never been like that. I like who I like and thats good enough for me. In fact, I have a tendency to like "crazy" people better because at least they are real. At least I can get a honest response out of them. Sometimes too honest, but shit I can respect that more than people who lie to me about who they are, and who I am to them. 

I will never get used to people using me for their own selfish purposes. And not even providing me with the option to agree to it or not. People make me feel obligated. And when I make it known that I don't like that shit, im the problem. I probably need to just find my own place and just get away from everybody. Nobody ever thinks about me. Not proactively. Its always after the fact. If then. Like this morning, everybody knows my car is messed up. Did anybody think to see if I had a way to work? Nope. No surprise to me, but then when I said something about it, its like oh well they'll be back. I'm just supposed to be miss calm, cool and collected. That shit really annoys me. 

I'm just irritable today. Not in a good mood at all. And I should be seeing as how I got a lil money today. Thank God! I need to flip it somehow. I really need to start on my clothing inventory and see what my potential profit could be. I might just sell my clothes to the lady at the furniture store. Or maybe she'll let me come out there and sell them. Idk. My mom is adamant about doing something Saturday, which is fine by me. I need to talk to Candice about renting 43. I'll bring that shit back. I gotta do something to start making some extra money so I can start going on some trips. First treat is Miami. I gotta get there soon. 

And I'm about to start traveling alone. I'm just tired of going along with other people and what they want. Thats how I never really feel satisfied because I'm always tryna appease everybody else first, then myself. That shit about to change forreal. And I don't mean any harm by it, but I'm sick of catering to everyone else. I just be chillin most of the time. And most people would label that as lazy but guaranteed I'll run circles around anybody tryna label me lazy. I do have my moments where I'm perfectly fine doing nothing but that does not equate to lazy. Trust and believe I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Lazy is when you know you need to do something but you don't do it because its takes time, effort or energy to do it. And you'd rather just complain and come up with a million excuses as to why you don't need to do it right now, or at all. I know lazy people, and trust me, they wouldn't last a fucking second in my world. 

My computer froze and I forgot where I was going with this but yeah I'm over it. lol

Good Morning

First I want to thank God for waking me up and allowing me to see this wonderful Friday. I appreciate it. Next, I want to apologize for all the depressing posts about friends and family lately. I get in my feelings sometime with how people treat me. And I'm hoping that I'm not coming across like I deserve to be treated a certain way because thats not how I feel. But when it comes to certain people in my life, I have to keep a keen eye to what I allow and accept because I don't just treat people any kind of way. If I'm at the point where I'm talking shit, its because I'm tired of going along with what everyone else wants to do and when it times to give a fuck about what I want, everybody turning a blind eye, and twiddling their fucking thumbs and shit. And looking at me to just understand and be cool with it, like I always am. 

FUCK THAT SHIT! I keep thinking if I'm being unreasonable and having way too many expectations but I'm not. I know I'm not. Because I don't come out my mouth and ask people for shit. And again, this past month all I wanted was for people to celebrate my birthday with me. I didn't say it had to be this expensive extravaganza. I never asked for anybody's heart or lung. I just asked for people to care that it was my birthday and spend some time with me celebrating it. But I guess that was asking too much. 

It's not the same if you just penciling me into your already made plans. Like who wants to feel that on their birthday that everybody is their for their own purposes. Even with the night we all went out to see Stalley for "my birthday", the night ended because of a fight that I heard was started because people was tryna leave me in my own car. And then I got blamed for it because apparently theres always some drama when I come around. I'm not sure how that was my fault seeing as how I was in the club trying to enjoy myself. I didn't start shit with anybody. But I bring the drama. 

At this point in my life, I should honestly be used to it. I've dealt with my so-called family and friends making me look like the bad guy just to clean up their image a bit. I really have no idea what it is I do to people to make them treat me the way they do. It would be different if it was random occurrences, but this is at least the 2nd friend that I've had that I felt makes me look bad to everyone else, but won't talk that shit to me. We besties when its just us. But everybody else in their world looks at me like I'm trouble. And to me, as a friend, I don't allow that shit. My family could not stand one of my friends for a long time. Nobody liked her forreal but me. They all dealt with her because they knew that was my friend and as far as I was concerned, she was gonna continue to be my friend and they would have to get over it. So it was never an issue of them always tryna find a reason to be like see, I told you, she's a bad influence. And that shit never fails to hurt my feelings because my friends of all people should know that I just be tryna help and be a friend. But apparently, I'm this horrible person that does nothing but cause trouble in other people's lives. 

I can't ignore what I know people are saying about me behind my back. And I know they are saying not so good stuff because of the attitude everybody has towards me. Some days I wish I had a private island I could fly off too and chill, just to get away from everybody. Because right now, I kinda hate everybody. I'm just tired of people acting like I'm so mean, and ruthless and insensitive. Like I know I can be like that but it doesn't come from nowhere. I don't wake up with attitudes like some people. And even if I do, I work hard to make sure I'm still pleasant. Even if I feel the urge to tell everybody to leave me the fuck alone. I rarely ever do it. They'd have to really be getting on my nerves for me to come out of my mouth and say that. 

I treat people how they treat me. If you show me that you fuck with me, I'll fuck with you. If you show me the level that you fuck with me on, then that's what Imma revert to when it comes to you. Because its not fair that I hold up my end of the bargain and you get to do whatever the fuck you want to and I'm supposed to be cool with it. But naw, for once in my life, I'm going to stand up for myself forreal. I'm going to speak up and tell people how I feel. Regardless of how crazy it may come across, I don't even care anymore. I'm acting super dramatic but hey, thats how I feel when I'm hurt. Everything is magnified to me and I can't ignore the shit that makes me feel a certain way. Especially when its more than one or two instances that I can call on to prove my point. And I don't expect these grand displays of affection and love from people, but I do expect to feel the love and a lot of times, I don't. I feel it when I'm doing something somebody else wants me to do. But when it comes time to fuck with me and do something I really want to do that the person might not necessarily want to do, its nothing for them to pull out an excuse or sob story and I'm just supposed to care huh?

FUCK THAT SHIT TOO! And its not just one specific person that I'm talking about. A lot of people in my life treat me this way but its because I've been allowing it. Its because I care more about our relationship than fighting over petty shit that I can look over. But having to continue to look over fuck shit is not something I can get accustomed to because it makes me feel stupid. It makes me think I'm just setting myself up to be hurt and taken advantage of. I don't fuck with people I don't care about. And maybe I'm wrong for expecting people to fuck with me in the way that I want them to. But I do that for them ALL THE TIME. If people think I signed up to sit around and listen to them talk about the same shit over and over, then they are crazy. If people think I enjoy being looked at like this bad person, then they need some serious help. If people think I enjoy giving them money or paying for their shit when we go out, then they got some delusions of grandeur. Because I would prefer to spend my money on me but the sad part is if I want to do stuff with people I actually enjoy, I have to offer something that appeals to them or otherwise they won't do it. They won't care about what I want to do. And that shit makes me feel like I'm bribing people or paying them to be my friends. The shit that I do for you is my payment to being your friend. But what do I get in return? Besides shitty ass fucking attitudes towards me because I'm mad everybody basically saying fuck me when I've never carried them that way. 

Maybe I'm being stubborn. Maybe I'm being over the top. Maybe my feelings are made up and what I think is going on is all in my head. But at the same time, I pick up on feelings. And I know that a lot of shit I deal with concerning Marcel affects me a lot emotionally but at the same time, I put that shit to the side and it has nothing to do with anybody else. My mama even makes me feel like she don't give a fuck about me and then she tries to blame it on me like everybody else. She went out of her way to make sure she does something for my brothers birthday, normally cooking. But when it comes to me, she's like well I ate so much the day before that I didn't want to see any food the next day. Oh really? So fuck me and my birthday huh? I didn't even get a fucking cake. No happy birthday wishes. No card. NO NOTHING. The strangers that I met out on U street made me feel more like it was my birthday than the people who should have actually cared. And then once I started talking shit everybody wants to try and make up. Or do this. Or do that. And to me, its not about spending money. I used to be broke all the time but I made sure my bitches had a good birthday. And I've complained about this before but NOBODY EVER cares enough about me to do stuff like that. 

They'll tell me they hope I had a good time. But nobody ever tries to make sure. Well Jennifer did. She looked out for me and I will forever appreciate it. Danielle incorporated me into plans and things that she already had arranged, and I can appreciate that much. But I drove all the way to Maryland for her birthday. Got my party people together and we went out to celebrate. I made the whole night about her, whether she was embarrassed by it or not. It was all about her. Because to me its a sad thing to feel like nobody cares about you enough to put their lives aside and help you celebrate your special life moment. And I didn't do it because I felt sorry for her, I did it because I appreciate our friendship and I wanted to show her that I cared, despite what everybody around her would like her to think about me. And I just don't feel like I got the same treatment. And I guess I can't necessarily be mad at her for that, but it is upsetting. Because now it just seems like I care more about our friendship than she does. And I've always felt like it was more of a I can relate to you type thing but as soon as she decides to stop fucking with Terrell, she won't have a reason to continue to be friends with me. Because we don't really have too much more in common other than that. She's a girly girl, and I'm more comfortable dealing with niggas. And she be all on this if we have nothing to relate to each other, then we have nothing. I feel like she look at me like I'm this ratchet ass lil girl who needs to learn how to present myself so that a man will want me.  I don't carry myself like her other friends do. I'm not sex and the city-esque. Its fun to play that role sometimes, but thats not me. And I just don't feel accepted. I feel like I'm being judged all the time, or I'm being looked at like some kind of project she took on because my cousin told her I needed a friend. And I don't want to think of our friendship in those terms but its hard for me not to when I have various moments I can recall that seem sketchy to me. 

And Marcel just never gonna get it. He loves assuming shit about me too, when he knows me. He has a very selective memory and I'm sick of his ass too. I try to work through all my feelings and emotions when it comes to him but he is no help. And a lot of times, I would rather walk away than to try and convince him that I'm forreal. I'm tired of feeling like I have to prove that I'm a good person. I know I am. These motherfuckers know I am. And I guess I'm not supposed to get mad. I'm supposed to be happy all the time. I'm supposed to fake my emotions forever like everybody else. 

FUCK THAT SHIT!!!! Imma get over this shit one day. Its gonna happen lol

Kids

are worrisome as shit. I still love them but GOT DAMN...

that is all. lol

Friends vs. Family

One thing I can say about family and friends is they both will try to take advantage of you. Family mainly because they know you, and friends mainly because they don't.

And when you peep them taking advantage of you, and still let it happen, they think shit sweet. But as soon as you call them out on it, just for 'I see what you up to" purposes, they either try to laugh it off, or get mad at you for exposing them.

My family will be quick to be like, yeah we came along cause we knew you was gonna pay. But my friends will be like, I can't believe you would even think that about me.

And I just laugh because clearly if you kept it real with yourself and me, you would at least give me the family response and I could respect that. I lose all everything for people who want me to go along with their bullshit just because we are friends. That friend shit don't mean anything to me at the end of the day. Majority of my friends, I treat like family anyway. So if you just a friend, and you fucking up, its nothing to walk away. I don't have to see you. I don't have to talk to you. I don't have to do anything. Family are the only people I feel obligated to and even some of them get the friend, or even worse, stranger treatment. I deal with people accordingly. If you act like you don't give a fuck about me, I will stop giving a fuck about you. If you act like you could care less about me, then I will care less about you. Shit very simple in my world.

I guess at the end of the day I have issues with certain people expecting me to be a friend to them, but when it comes time to being a friend to me, I'm supposed to understand everything they going through and the reason behind why they can't perform their role as my friend as they should. But again, true friends don't play roles. I'm not an actress. I'm a human being with feelings. So when you fake on your role, its not just an acting misstep to me. Its real. It means you never fully committed to being my real friend to me. Which means you never really committed to me. Which means we never was really friends. More like associates. More like co-workers. More like two people who ride the train together every morning and have a 10 minute conversation each day. These people are a part of your lives, but they do not make up your life. They can be replaced. They are interchangeable. Those roles could be filled by anybody. Everybody can't be a true friend. Because that role requires being authentic and genuine. You can't fake that shit. And a circumstantial friend always reveals themselves, in due time.

My Feelings

I swear sometimes I don't even know why I try to build connections and maintain relationships with people. I think maybe I expect too much from them because I would be willing to do that much for them. And usually I'm the one being true to my role, and the other person gets to bullshit around and make excuses for why they didn't do what they were supposed to, in the role they are playing.

For instance, I have been through two different situations where me being loving and supporting towards a friend was taken for granted. And the reason for that is because I am usually always there for them. In some capacity. I provide laughs, good times and overall good feelings about oneself. But for some reason, my friends always try to expose my "bad" side. But what they fail to realize is I don't hide my bad side. Anybody who has taken the time to really get to know me KNOWS that I can definitely be a bitch and difficult to deal with at times. I have mood swings. I'm ratchet and I don't feel the need to conform to social norms and rules. I do me. And I've learned how to use my different personalities to suit my purposes. I'm a bitch when I need to be. And I'm a sweetheart when the situation calls for it.

Some people confuse this for being fake or manipulative. But I never use my "powers" to take advantage of or use anyone for my own selfish reasons. I try to approach every situation with consideration for myself and others. Depending on the situation, if my needs aren't that serious at the moment, I can consider the needs of others and work things out. But in no way do I ever USE people for what I need them for and then act like they never did a got damn thing for me. Sorry my frustration came out in that last line. lol.

But seriously, even if I need somebody for something I want, I will let them know upfront that I need them. That's me being courteous enough to let them decide whether they want to go along with me and what I want or not. And to me, thats showing respect for a person's time, life, and personal choices. People think that just because somebody is your friend or your boyfriend or whatever that you have to make certain sacrifices that go along with playing that particular role.

Like for instance, friends tell each other happy birthday. They may exchange gifts. They check up on each other when they know one is going through something. They tell your kids happy birthday. They remember important moments in your life. They are their to listen and give advice. They keep your secrets to themselves. I could go on and on about what friends do because its a role and people definitely know how to play it.

But when it comes to being a real friend. A true friend. Its one key thing about that kind of friendship that differs from somebody playing the role as your friend. A true friend actually cares about yall relationship and they would never do anything to jeopardize it. A true friend will say fuck whatever I have going on and make sure their friend is okay if they are going through something. A true friend knows a person character and will never make assumptions about them because they know them. They allow people to have opinions of their friends but if somebody tries to slander their friends name or put negative labels on them, they would take up for them immediately, and not even allow it for one second. A true friend doesn't try to solve shit through petty methods. They would want to talk it out because they would want to clear things up in the friendship.

I could go on and on forever about that too. But I said all that to say, true friends are hard to find. And the fucked up part about it sometimes is you can tell when somebody believes somebody is their true friend or when somebody is just fucking with them for whatever reason. And for me, I see how some of my friends treat certain people who they call their friends. And it should be no surprise to me that they would treat me the same way. And for my case, I have to deal with people labeling me as this bad person, making up stories to suit their image, and its fucked up. True friends don't use each other as scapegoats. True friends be like I was right there with my bitch when shit popped off, we in this together. If you think she a hoe, well i'm a hoe too then. Not oh ummmmm, i don't have anything to do with that. I stayed at home. She's my friend but I don't do the shit she does. Like that throw a person under the bus shit is not what true friends do. You'll play your own face just to save your friends. Because again, at the end of the day, what REALLY matters is you and friends relationship. And if you have to deal with people looking at you funny because of who you hang out with then you live with it. Because thats a true friend.

I'm not wishy washy when it comes to people I fuck with. But when I start feeling like you only keeping me arond for your own selfish purposes, and not because you fuck with me, then it gotta cut my ties because those aren't the people I want in my life. I want people who actually fuck with me. People who take the time to get to know and understand me. And when somebody doesn't take the chance to even try to understand me, I can instantly tell that they never gave a fuck about me. Because anybody that I fuck with who tries to put all this bad shit on me, lets me know that you don't really fuck with me. Because I don't treat anybody that I fuck with badly, so I can never understand where that shit comes from.

Watch the company you keep is right. And I need to start realizing that just because I can care about people outside of myself does not mean they are capable of doing so. I need to find people who are. Those are my kindred spirits. Message!

Still Depressed lol

But forreal, I do feel like I could use a pick me up. But whatever, I'll just focus on getting my business up and running by October 1st. That's my goal. I want to have a spot by October so I can bank on a Halloween themed month. I have a bunch of ideas that I think would be cool. I'm excited about it. This post probably should go on my other blog, but even though I'm talking about business, its still more personal.

I've said all that to say that idea is about the only thing I feel the need to focus on right now. My birthday celebration plans didn't quite go as I hoped, but at the end of the day I had a good time. I didn't expect to be so stressed but whatever, I'm over it. Its just always a blow to me when I find out how much somebody REALLY fucks with me. Because in my experience, niggas swear they fuck with you until its time to fuck with you and then every got damn excuse in the book gets pulled out their ass. I'm really not even mad about it, im just over it. Especially when the opportunity to address whatever is bothering you is presented and you don't say shit, or you just be complaining about petty shit thats not really bothering you, then what the fuck is my purpose at that point? Should I force you to tell me whats wrong? How can you even do that? I don't have those powers. So if somebody has a problem with me and they won't express it to me, then is it really a problem to them? Because I'm not understanding how that works. If I have issues with somebody but I know its not a problem at the end of the day, then i'm not gonna be acting like its a problem. I'm gonna act like shit cool, not be mad at some shit underneath the surface. If imma get over it, imma get over it.Especially when I've been nothing but nice and motherfuckers feel like they deserve some type of special treatment for the shit they've did for me. Like I haven't done anything. I dont announce the stuff I do. I don't make people feel obligated to me when I do stuff for them. I could really be a pure cold blooded asshole, but I try to care. Or at least sympathize, and if I can help monetarily, I will. If its support or just a person to listen, I can do that too. But when you do stuff for people without making a big announcement about it, they don't notice. Because for some reason they feel like they deserve to be treated nicely. Well maybe you get treated like shit because you treat people like shit. Because you not going out of your way forreal to do something for someone else. I treat people how they treat me. You fuck with me, I'll fuck with you. You look out for me and I'll look out for you. And I'll go first, i don't mind. But if you don't get me, then thats a violation. And I'll probably overlook it because I'm too fuckin nice. But if its a consistent thing, then I gotta stop fucking with you. Especially if its blatant that what I want to do doesn't fucking matter to you at all.

If I'm a bad person, lord please let me know. If I be out here being a ruthless, insensitive motherfucker let me know. Because some people I know would swear out thats me and they are the ones I treat the nicest. I guess they want me to lie to them like everybody else. They want me to make them falsely feel good about themselves. Or they want me to talk shit to them because that means I love them and care about them. Or basically they want me to go along with the lies they put out in their world, and I'll let them do them, all I ask is don't judge me. But that never happens. I could join a convent and people would still find some bad shit to say about that. I'd be the whore in nun's clothing or something. Hey that would make a good movie. Sister Act-esque. lol. But forreal, its hard out here when people try to use you as a scapegoat for why their life is fucked up. I swear I didn't make any final decisions on anybody's life, so the shit you dealing with is all you. I just happen to be around. And thats probably because most people in my life only really wanna fuck with me when they going through some shit and they need some support or somebody to talk to or whatever. And I try not to give too much advice because then people will say I told them to do it. But then when I don't say anything, its because I don't really care. How can I feel sorry for someone who makes a conscious decision to do what they do? How can you be mad at me for listening to you complain and cry about a problem, and then you go right back to the problem like shit straight? And when I'm no longer emotionally invested because I've heard it all before, i'm rude, insensitive, and an asshole motherfucker who only cares about herself. And I get blamed for not caring anymore but I just don't know how much I can really fuck with somebody who uses me just to get what they want. Everyone does though. I should be used to it but that's something that I will never understand. I'm a genuine person. I don't like being fake, unless I have to. And the only time being fake is necessary to me is work-related shit. If I gotta talk to a bitch I don't really fuck with or something, but thats it. In my personal life I don't have to do shit but what I want to. And I don't have to hang around people who fuck with me when they chose. MAN if I only fucked with people when I wanted to, people wouldn't fuck with me at all. Because I'd only come around if I wanted or needed something lol. But again, I make a conscious effort to really only fuck with people whose company I enjoy because I don't like being used, so I don't wanna use people. I'll let somebody know what I need them for, and let them decide if they want to do it or not. No hard feelings. I love the fact that I have choices in my life, I can't be mad if somebody doesn't do what I want them to do. I don't feel like I deserve shit from anybody except proper treatment because I don't set out in my life to do bad shit to people. But I'm always the bad guy. I always get used. And I should be used to it.

Like seriously, I should really be used to it. But I don't like the shit. If you gone use me, at least let me know. At least, keep it real with me because I can see through the bullshit. People always wanna keep connections with me but I want people to fuck with me. Show me you love me cause otherwise, I'll go find some people who will. And I don't think its too much to ask people to love me or leave me alone. Point blank period. That's how I'm carrying my life from now on because that's how I feel. Don't tell me how much you fuck with me. Don't come up with some beautiful words and put them together like its supposed to mean shit to me. SHOW ME. Because if actions speak louder than words, then its a good thing I got Jesus. And a couple other important people in my life because I'd be so sad and alone. Its just gotta be hard being around people who know they don't really fuck with you. They do it for their own selfish reasons and then have you walking around looking stupid because you actually care about them, outside of yourself. I want somebody to do something for me that has nothing to do with them. And all because they fuck with me.

I think thats one lesson that maybe I'm missing the point of. I can be naive. And I think I am very optimistic when it comes to people and my relationships with them. BUT GOTDAMN, can I please just get some people in my life who want me to be in theirs? And who not gone fight their feelings for me. Or who not gone think that I'm tryna judge them or make them look like a bad person. Or who would be willing to take up for me and not let others opinions or even their own opinion influence how they treat me.

Because basically if I let other people tell it, I'm insensitive, rude, I don't care about any else's feelings or problems, I'm a whore and no one is ever gonna date me because of it, I'm a bad house guest because I cook and don't wash dishes. I'm a liar because I'm vague with details because I'm tired of explaining myself. Or I'm a liar just because everybody else in their world is apparently liars. I'm manipulative. I'm crazy. I'm an angry black woman. I'm mean. I don't give a fuck about anyone but myself. I'm mentally retarded. I'm probably never gonna find a guy who wants to love me because apparently I'm not all that lovable. The list could go on and on and thats all the shit I heard just from the month of July. My birthday month. Its good to know how people really feel about me. But I could have dealt with that shit after my birthday month. I wanted to have fun lol.

But the crazy part about all that is I know for a FACT that I am none of those things because I make conscious efforts to try and be nice and understanding and all that. When in actuality, i'm more comfortable not caring. So I inconvenience myself to give a fuck about people who really don't give a fuck about me. See how i'm losing in that situation? When you start caring about people, especially needy people, they expect you to care forever. all the fucking time. I get to a point where I'm like you should care more about yourself. The only person who really cares is Jesus. And that's real. And I don't say shit like that to be mean or to get people off my back, but I say it because its the fucking truth. You and Jesus are the only two people in your life who can always be there for you. And expecting someone else to be your savior, is a set up for failure. Or at least its a set up for a reality check because again, nobody cares but Jesus. I can sympathize with someone, but if you actually want me to care about your problems like they are mine, then I think you're crazy. Because their your problems. Instead of trying to find someone to care about them, solve them. Everybody has a sob story. Yours ain't no different. We all tryna live out here, and we're doing nobody a favor by solving their problems for them. I know I have a way of calming people down  and getting them going and I hate it because people swear out they wanna change, but they really just wanna complain. They just wanna talk about shit so that they feel better about themselves. Because let a lot of motherfuckers tell it, including myself, we know how shit should be. But its not how shit is, and I know complaining ain't changing anything. I can show a motherfucker how shit should be way better than I could tell them.

I cannot wait until the day God blesses me with a man who knows me and loves me anyway. A guy who is very stand up and about his business. A man who will look at me as his support system and he can feel safe telling me any and everything. A gentleman who has that hood nigga swag to him. Trill shit. Real shit. I wanna be able to feel it. I want the love to seep out my pores and just surround us. I want people to look at us and KNOW we happy forreal. Thats it not any bullshitting going on at all. I want a love that only God could bless with me. A love that is satisfying. A love that is understanding. A love that is God-like in nature and will stand the test of time and our lives and the world we live in. I'm getting to this selfish stuff because I believe thats the only way Imma get to this life that God has waiting for me. I wanna be in a position to help people. I can't help people be happy and satisfied, if I'm not happy or satisfied. I could but again, I'd rather show them what I be talking about instead of just running my mouth about it. I believe its a man out there just for me. He gone get me. And he's going to be available for me. And he's going to want a spot in my life without me having to convince him that its a good idea. He'll be able to feel that its a great idea. That in fact, he knows and recognizes beforehand that it would be the worse decision of his life to walk away from me. He would never let me go. And I would never want him to. I would want to spend my life with him and no one else. And our love would be the number one and most important reason we were together, for both of us. I will feel like I have a partner. Somebody to go at life with together. And carve our own slot. Make our own lane. Show people that you can follow your own rules and its not blasphemous. Its not just something that happens in movies. That in fact, God wants us to enjoy ourselves and have the time of our lives all the time, and not just in spurs. I'm ready. Amen.

I must be depressed

Because lord knows I attract some of the most depressed motherfuckers. lol. I get it in a sense because I'm essentially living a life that I want to change for the better in various ways. I don't mope around because of it. I'm not out here tryna party and act like shit ain't real. I'm just chillin tryna take life one day at a time but everybody around me seems so depressed. Like I was so excited to be where I am for this month and for my birthday. I was ready to have fun, have a good time, show out and experience the city FOR ONCE. I actually had money and I was ready. Everybody knew I was coming and we decided to do this and that, and we went out of course, but that's nothing different from normal.

And the crazy part about it is people be looking at my like its my fault we haven't done shit. I'm like I've been waiting for yall. Every time Im excited to do shit, this person don't have money and that person don't really wanna go. I don't have much to work with. And its nobody fault. I'm not mad, I'm just over depressing and broke people. lol. I need some happy life living motherfuckers who don't mind spending money in my life. Those are my true kindred spirits. lol.  I feel sad as fuck right now for no real reason. That's the real sad part lol. I have fun in my spirit but it must be some spirit demons stealing my joy around me or something cause GOT DAMN. lol. I don't know where I belong. I leave NC to come have a life and get here and do less and spend more money than I probably would have if I just stayed my ass at home. I always end up like this for my birthday. I'm depressed. I need a money and fun miracle in my life right now. That would be love.

Until next time...

That Moment

When you realize all your hard work has amounted to NOTHING. And all thats left for you to do is walk away and begin anew. I feel sad, angry, frustrated, mad, hurt, just super super emotional in a not so good way. Its not necessarily bad because I need something to click in my head, and I think this was really it for me. And I think what is really becoming a moral crisis to me is that fact that I have been trying to care for years despite how much I wanted to say Fuck it, because I was really in love. To me thats the definition of Love. I don't give a fuck about much but I always try when it comes to love. I just rarely succeed lol.

Its almost like the more I love people, the more they push me away. And the more I don't care, the more they want me around. I don't operate like that. If I love you, I want more. If I don't, then I want less. I may very well be the crazy one, but thats how I work. And I don't really understand anything else. I've been trying to get it. But forreal one of the craziest things in the world to me is people who chose to stay and stick around people who are bad for them. Like the situation with me and my friend fits that category. I think she appreciated the shit I did for her and the fact that I tried to be a good person, but at the same time, hated me for it because it only magnified how fucked up she really was. So therefore in her mind, I was purposely trying to make her feel bad or look bad. When that was so not the case. I never try to make anyone feel anything. I prayed away negativity and her ass was the first to go lol. It is what it is.

But back to the point I was trying to make. I just can't seem to get any magic going in my love life. I've been cursed lol. Venus in Virgo says it all. pray for me lol. Thats my only hope forreal. I'm too calculating with love but that shit is such a risk and in my past experience, I'd be better off being a bachelorette for the rest of my life. I always get guys who wanna be in love with me from day one, or they wanna fight being in love with me. They not used to somebody like me so they assume the worst. Story of my love life. I've even been in situations where a guy swear he love me and wanna talk to me but he has a girlfriend, then as soon as they break up, he went and got another girlfriend and said fuck me. And of course, that new girlfriend said fuck him, and then he tried to come back to me and I had to walk away. I have stories like these for days, months, years lol. I must have broke a lot of hearts in my past life cause Lord knows I just don't deserve this treatment. lol. I'm laughing but I'm so serious.

Am I doomed to life of fucking around with niggas forever? I so wanna settle down, you wouldn't know it from how I act, but I only party and shit like I do because what else should I be doing? I don't have any kids. I don't have any huge financial responsibilities. I don't have a man. I have one friend that I actually hang out with and she's in another state. I work from time to time on coming up with a great business idea and model and I reward myself with fun. I be on it and that probably sounds like the life to somebody with more serious and rigid responsibilities but the set up of my current life is all circumstance. I'd rather be with my boo, building a life together, creating a home and family, arguing about dumb shit like whose turn it is to take out the trash, and what to eat for dinner but I don't know any men who want to do that with me. And that makes me sad. All guys that I've ever tried to fuck with on a serious level always make me feel like they decided to fuck with me because they probably should. Its like idk what it is about her, but I should probably keep this bitch on my team. And thats it. Im always just a team member. Never a starter, never a franchise player. I'm the secret weapon niggas pull out when their team fucking suck and they need an extra boost to get them through to the next level. I'm clutch. I make shit happen. I'll turn some shit around and get us through the fire. But as soon as we reach the other side, I be the only one there. Maybe I expect too much. But I would never abandon a person that has always been there for me. Especially if they've always treated me good and made me feel loved. I make a conscious effort to do that for people, not for myself, but for them.

And I guess I'm getting to the root of my problem. I never feel treated good or loved. Just this morning me and my mom had a "moment" because I was trying to meditate this morning and she walked in a ruined my vibe by cutting on a light after I said, don't come up in here turning on lights. And then when I get up to turn the light off, she looking at me like Really, you want me to keep the light off. Do I have a tendency to say shit and not be serious about it? I must do because no one takes me seriously. I have to go off and talk shit and channel my natural inner asshole before people take heed to what I say. And then they just label me crazy afterwards. And I'm like I don't be wanting to act like this, but people don't get that just because I try to be nice and understanding doesn't mean that I am. I'm really a bitch. I really don't care. I'm out here tryna provide a service to the world by being nice because most people don't. Most people don't give a fuck. Most people feel like their problems are so much bigger than everyone elses. Most people think its okay to go off on somebody just because of how they feel. Most people are cool with being a bitch because it just means they know what they want and are willing to do whatever to get it. I'm not. I don't want to take advantage of a person's fear or weakness to force them to do what I want them to do. thats the way of the world, but that shit is so wrong to me. If anything we should be trying to help people get over their fears and work through their weaknesses, and that way you can feel good knowing the person decided to be with you because they wanted to, not because you played the game so well.

I can never get accustomed to treating love like its a game. Because to me, its not something you should play with at all. It should always be about expressing honest feelings and creating real moments. You know real love is some good shit cause people will pretend and play roles forever just to appear like they got it. You gotta draw a line to that fake it til you make it shit. Some shit you can get away with, but love is not one of them. You know when that shit is real. You don't even have to have any prior experience with Love to know when its real. I even think you can have a fucked up view of love and still know that its fake and shouldn't be like that. Because even if you never loved another person, you probably have loved something in life. You may love to play video games, or sports. Or you might love talking shit. Or you might love how it feels after you leave a concert. And all those good feelings you get from doing things you love, you will NEVER forget. So for people to tell me they don't care about love, or believe in love, or trust love or whatever, I don't understand because we all love something and we know how good that something makes us feel. And thats just as much a real love as falling in love with a person.

I'll even go a step further and talk about my love of money. When I have money, I'm the happiest person alive. When I don't, shit sucks. I'm not necessarily unhappy when I'm broke and poor, but I know I can be much happier with money. lol. But at the same time, money is not the end all, be all to my happiness. If I never made another dime, I could still be happy because there are people and things to do in my life that mean more to me than money ever will. Money just affords me the opportunity to spend time with people I love and do things that I love. Thats all it is for me. Its a tool. Just like instagram is a tool that allows me to keep a record of all my good times. Or how Google is a tool that keeps answers to my questions at my fingertips. Or my cellphone is a tool to helping me keep in contact with people. Money is the link to me being able to do things I want with people I love. And whereas that link is very vital to myself and my happiness, I still could never let it control me. I could never be happy in a situation where I have access to an unlimited source of money but I had no one to really share it with. I could always look out for strangers or do charitable things of that sort, but it would mean more to me to help out someone that I knew personally. I guess I could get to know someone personally and achieve the same result. I guess. In fact, now that I think about it, people who don't know me, are more appreciative of my help and support. And a lot of times, I'm not overly helpful to people who know me because they'll just sit back and want me to do everything.

I think I just have a problem with the people who know me. I get no respect from them. They'd rather fear me and all I want is to be loved and respected. People treat me like a dictator when I'm really more like Project Manager. I guess I could come across like i'm barking out orders and my way is the best way, BUT I would never recommend somebody do something that would harm or hurt them or set them back in any way. I'm always looking out for everybody else best interest. I don't normally reflect on my life in association with someone else's so I can give advice that will better someone instead of keeping them where they are. I'm always looking out for people or doing that something extra, requested or not, and I just never really feel like I have that here on earth. Caretakers and givers of the world need love too. Through God I've found a couple people throughout life who I can honestly and truly from the bottom of my heart say that I know love me and as long as I am me, they will. My mother and brother and his fam is one group of people. My new friend Danielle. My cousins. My aunts and uncles. My old supervisor Nora. My old friends Quita and Sharnece and Courtney. I've generalized some of these groups and some of the people are a lil sketchy, but i do believe that at the end of the day, they want me to do well for myself. Whether they are helpful or supportive about it. I don't assume that these people wish bad things on me. I know Nora prays for my wellbeing and success. I think my mom does too. I need to start praying more.

This is the longest random post ever but this is my mind right now. All over the damn place. I been crying since 2:30 am last night and I don't even really know why. I'm trying to figure it out. I'm just sad. Im not good with taking emotional losses. My persistence has a tendency to hold on to things longer than needed. I'm hurt. I want to be bitter. I want to be spiteful. I want to be petty. And I was basically given permission to do all those things BUT I can't. I really can't. And I think thats why I'm so frustrated, because I really do put forth the effort to be a good person and to handle shit in a good way, but I always get the short end of the stick. Im always left to deal. Everybody else go on their merry way like shit sweet and I'm suffering emotionally because I can't shake being mistreated or disrespected as quick as other people. That shit really bothers me and I always just ignore it. I distance myself or walk away from a situation. And I think this time I would go unnoticed because thats what I been doing. I wanna say something. I wanna scream. I wanna yell. I wanna fight. I wanna let it be known how I really feel. Because people never notice when you walk away, they just notice what you don't do anymore. The notice your presence is gone. And it takes a real person to admit they were wrong or admit they could have handled shit better. Thats what people do when they appreciated your presence and they miss you and want you back in their life. And I think the situation I'm in now is so sad for me because he's not gonna care. I've walked away from this nigga a million times. He knows I love him but he told me he doesn't want me to care anymore.And I wanna not care SO BAD, but that shit is not in his best interest lol. I don't know how to just turn it off. Or how it turn it down. Either I care or I don't. I don't know how to halfway care. I don't know how to fake my feelings. I know how to not show them but I don't know how to not feel them.

My feelings are so important to me that I could never discredit them. Its been times where I was like wtf were you thinking, but at the end of the day, I know my feelings work properly. My mind and ego be on some other shit. When something makes me angry, I get upset. When somebody tells me a story, I can feel if it was some bullshit involved. When I'm happy, I'm on top of the world. If I'm excessively worried about something, I know its a real risk involved. I don't understand how people can live a life where their feelings dont matter. They have to feel like they don't matter. I used to be like that. And I still feel like nobody gives a fuck about me and my feelings. But I care. And if I care, I can at least stand up for myself and feelings and not let people discredit it just because it doesn't mean shit to them.

He really hurt my feelings yesterday. If I had wrote him a love letter, he wouldn't have called me with a soliloquy. He would have ignored that shit. But I send him a message talking shit and I get a response right away. Its sad. For him. And for us because I don't want to be in that kind of relationship. If the only way I can get you to do stuff is to nag and talk shit until you are tired of hearing my mouth, then its a problem. I can go find a motherfucker who will listen the first time. I don't need that stress lol. I don't even want to be that person. Thats not a good place for me lol. I can be a bitch forreal given the right circumstances and I don't want to become accustomed to being that type of person all the time. Bitches be mad at the world for any and everything, I just wanna be happy. I wanna keep a real smile on my face naturally. I just wanna be so happy that I can't not be happy. lol. I felt that way when me and him first started talking, I remember I came home one day and my cousin broke my laptop, and my cousin boyfriend at the time, broke my dvd player. And my boo was mad at me because I wasn't mad at them. I'm like they're poor, they can't replace it, its no need for me to be mad. Its okay. lol. I didn't give a fuck, I had my boo, thats all i cared about lol. I'm not material at all. Love may not pay the bills, but shit, if Love not involved, I don't think the bills worth paying. And I really believe that lol

I'm a different breed. I've recognized it a long time ago. And I rarely find people who get me. I'll continue to search though. Its funny because I need somebody loving and supporting but that shit makes me so uncomfortable at the same time because I don't know how to respond to it because I'm not used to it. I know how to be loving and supporting but I don't know how to receive it. I need to work on that. Maybe that will be my breakthrough moment. Lord knows I need one. I haven't given up faith wise, but i need a reminder why doing the right thing is so important. Or doing what feels right. Are they the same thing? I need blinders cause I just get caught up in other people getting what they want through fucked up purposes, and how easy it seems. My poor little heart won't let me do evil things so I guess I'll continue on this path of righteousness. God please allow me to see the light, I need to know its there because this tunnel seems super long. Or maybe I'm just driving super slow. Whatever it is. Please help me see it. Amen. Love ya, thank you!