Wednesday, June 23, 2010

smh. Boys. ugh.

He never ceases to disappoint me. He didnt answer the phone last night as expected. His silly mad ass. I have never in my life wanted to just fucking choke somebody to death. Until Him. I find myself daydreaming about murdering him all the time. I just wanna kill this niggas. He does the dumbest stuff ever.

How can you possibly be mad at me for JOKING AROUND, but yet, shit is real for you. And just because I don't say anything, it doesn't mean that shit doesnt bother me. Because it does, but I assume that my feelings dont matter. So I dont bring them up.

I know him too well. He doesn't want to admit to me that he cares because I know he assumes he shouldn't. And he really shouldn't. But just like with me, it is hard not to care about somebody when you've spent time with them like that. So he reacted to my comments, first with an attitude and madness. Then once he realized I knew he cared, he switched to acting like he didnt care about my comments. HE ALWAYS DOES THIS. It never fails. Showing any sign of emotion is weak to him. He only does it when he feels he has to.

I understand him so well that when he does stuff like this I don't even really get mad because I know where its coming from. So I feel bad for making him believe I was gonna fuck his co-workers. But I wont let him continue to blame shit on me like everything that went wrong in his life was my fault. Like I really think he blames me for it. At least some aspects of it. But I cant make any life decisions for him. Anything he decided to do, he decided to do. At first I thought maybe he was on his life path of accepting responsibility, but the more I talk to him, the more I realize that he is not. Everything is everybody else's fault and it just leaves him to deal with it. Thats what he believes. I know it.

I wanna save him. I do. I really do. And I think I will try. Because I know he feeling like he don't have anybody right now. And so I feel bad that I faked my not caring. Maybe thats why I still care. Maybe that is the reason. Maybe thats why I'm getting all these insights on him, and for the most part, they all have been true. But the hardest thing to do is going to be getting him to really talk to me. To just trust me because for some reason he doesn't. I dont know. Imma pray for him and this situation. I just want him to be happy. And I can tell he is miserable.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

so confused.

The more I think I understand him, the more he proves me right. I knew he would feel some type of way about me saying I was going to make one of his co-workers my new boo. And he reacted pretty much as I expected, but I didn’t. I thought maybe I wouldn’t care. Maybe him acting like he cared wouldn’t bother me, and I would be able to just dismiss it like I do other guys. But he was different. Again. I felt bad. Especially after he started accusing me of being different, and saying I have changed. And I know exactly what he is talking about. I get this all the time. He is not used to this me. He has never seen this Me. He is used to the Me that likes him, not the me that does not care. And maybe that is mean of me to assume that he didn’t care, but how could I ever tell he did. Like I have a conscious and I do feel bad because I know he feels that I just want to talk shit, and get my sodas, and that I don’t really care. And that’s the furthest thing from the truth, but I also don’t know if I should let him know that. I don’t want to put myself back in a crazy situation that I know won’t end happily for me. Because I will never be able to have what I want. I can get it when I can, but never when I want. And that’s what I won’t like. I can’t go back. I said it. And I know I shouldn’t be talking to him,but I also know that I probably will. Shit, you live and you learn right? I don’t wanna make the same mistake twice , so I guess I better learn as much as I can from this situation. Like I find myself wanting to talk to him just to see how its gonna make me feel. Like testing everything just to see if I can handle it for myself, because I am going to have to be able to handle the situation. Because I can’t expect him to handle it for me. At all. I know that much now. But he can suck me in so easy, I know it. When it comes to him, I am weak. And the only way this will work is if I can keep my emotions uninvolved. But I am going to talk to him. And try my best to explain this all to him. Because he needs to know that its all an act that I feel I should be putting on for myself and for him. Because everything is what it is. I don’t see anything changing. And I guess that is what I have to keep reminding myself. I cant be living in hopes of stuff to happen., I just have to live. Do whats right for me. And see what happens. I mean, I care for him for a reason. Guess I will find that reason out later.

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