Monday, April 29, 2013

Dear Boo (who probably should be titled Nigga I need to let go but hey, such is life),

I don't really know what I want to say here but I do know its a lot. It will probably all sound like mumbo jumbo to you but trust me, it all makes sense in my head. Some days I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and some days things seem as bleek as they did starting off. We've both grown up right in front of each other. Its kinda weird because it definitely wasn't the best of times, but it felt special, so it definitely wasn't the worse of times. I just don't know where this boat, train or plane ends. Are we supposed to continue to grow with each other forever or are we at our final destination? I'm feeling like we're coming to an end but it could also be a beginning. I don't fucking know. I go back and forth with shit so much because nothing makes sense. Everything seems doomed to fail. Past events don't help me make the decision to stay involved because I could risk it all again, but I'm really tryna avoid hurt feelings this go around. I'd be a fool to sit back and allow that to happen again.

But how am I supposed to fulfill my dreams with all this doubt in my head concerning it? I am a definite believer that God can work a miracle. I know this. I've seen it. Shit, a lot of times I feel like a miracle cause Lord knows I would not be where I am today without him. I'd probably be somewhere secretly stalking somebody from a far or some shit. Don't judge me. Just know that I did not become that person as I so easily could have LOL. God saved me forreal. So I know for a fact he could save us. How long is it gonna take though? Is it gonna happen? THis lifetime, cause I promise the end can really seem so far sometimes? Must not be the end then. And that makes me think even more that I need to just let it go. I'm a very persevering, determined person. I can work with somebody that I'm willing to work with. I just don't know if you're workable. You're more like a piece of work that I just don't know if Imma be satisfied with the outcome because the whole process is just draining. for me at least. You don't seem to give a fuck one way or the other. Which makes it even harder for me to decide cause i don't know if you don't care, or if you're pretending not to. I hate having to decode everything. As honest as we are with each other about stuff, like why are we still tip toeing around what we really have to say? I'm over it. I'm tired of trying to read into words and piece shit together. This is life. Its not a puzzle. I know how I feel, I know what I wanna do, and I know how to say it out loud to somebody who knows how he feels, and what he wants to do. And we can go from there. I'm good at figuring shit out, no great, BUT its obvious key pieces to this puzzle are missing. I just need to know if I should continue working on this one, or start a new one. I'm ready to have that conversation, and it scares me because shit is gonna get real and imm have to deal with it however it turns out. And of course, I can only see the bad side of it. I can't even think what the good side would be. I guess us being together, but with all the bullshit that comes with that, I just don't even know if we would be able to even enjoy it. Its too much.

Thats why most days I prefer to walk away instead of deal. Its easier this way. But reality is reality. I can't run from it, I must accept it in whatever way I can. And with said, I guess everything is what it is. I can't convince somebody who only thinks logically that feelings matter. My feelings matter to me, but clearly his feelings don't matter to him. Not more than money. Not more than keeping up with whatever is going on. I have to worry about me and my feelings that matter to me, and I don't want to be depressed again. I want to be happy. I want to smile. I want great days because of great feelings. And its very sketchy as to whether you can do this for me or not. My heart wants to believe but my mind is like bitch be for real. What the fuck has he done lately to even make you begin to think otherwise? NOT SHIT. okay sorry, my ego might have took over that one. My multiple personalities are showing in this post LOL. And on that note, Imma say this...LORD PLEASE HELP YOUR CHILD OUT HERE. Idk what to do or say anymore. I'm always asking for guidance and then don't do shit, smh. I need help moving my feet. You know my heart.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Stream of Conciousness

And Go...

So today I don't even know what I want to write. My mind is actually kind of blank here lately. Its amazing how thoughts can just disappear like that. Something that was once on my mind constantly is in the back of my mind just like that. I'm trying to write without thinking, its not really working. I'm too controlling lol. But as far as my thoughts go, thats a good thing. I need positivity in my life. Negative shit affects me in such horrible ways. I can't take that shit. From anything or anybody. I need love, respect, honesty, trustworthiness, and all the good emotions. I want to feel alive. I want to wake up and take life all in and be completely satisfied with how things are and where they are headed. I'm getting there. Right now I have no complaints. I kind of worry about things that aren't progressing in my life and it comes across as complaints but for right now I'm almost 99% sure that I am doing what I should be doing. Anything else would only be a distraction. Theres money to be made, best believe a nigga clocked in. Thats all I can really think about these days. I have things I want to do in life and money is the means to do it. So I have to devise a plan with God to get this money. The world is full of opportunities and ways for me to do it and I need to capitalize on what I can now. I believe network marketing will be good for me because it will allow me to rest on the things that I know I am capable of doing and it will introduce me to things that I normally shrink away from and avoid. The one downside for the network marketing to me is the recruitment part. To me thats definitely gonna be the hardest part. And I think thats a lot of the reason why I don't invest in certain stuff because I don't know if people will support it. People are finicky. But I guess if i produce a product that I know people will use and love at the same time, then things should work out fine. I have no idea what that product would be. I know beauty products and things that make people feel good will always have a market. always. I think thats where my niche is because I really do believe that when you look and feel good, you do good and its a cycle that continues to repeat itself. But I don't necessarily want to sell makeup and stuff like that. I would, but I would want my focus to be on distributing products or services that help make people feel better. Whether its a self-help book/workshop, clothing, accessories, life coaching services, or whatever. I think I have a lot to offer but I need to start developing these products and services before I can offer or market them to anyone. The idea will come to me. I think I am leaning to becoming a distribution company. But what am I gonna sell? Am i gonna work with other companies on selling their products or marketing their products or my own? or both? I think both would be a good option. How do you reach out to companies to help distribute their products? would I do it online or would I need a warehouse? What do I need to start up this distribution process? How could i work on getting a distribution deal with someone? That could eventually bring more jobs and stuff to this area and people could work in my warehouse packing and shipping things. I'm trying to think of things on a more global scale. I need to look into distribution deals and see how they come about and what I would need to do to get one. I don't want to limit myself to one thing, but I don't want to take on too much at one time. That is my problem.I have a milliion ideas and I need to prioritize and see which ones are actually feasible and which ones I need to put to the side for now. I have my creative side but I also need to think logically about how I can produce a profit from my creative ideas. I guess the more I write, the more I can get stuff out of my head and start narrowing things down to a point where I can devise an action plan to get these things done. I still need to work more on my screenplay that I have written. I need to register it and then start shipping it out to people so they can read it. I know its not formal to do things online but shit I'd rather get my story out there and get feedback from it before I try and submit it to a major production studio. I need to get an agent too so they can shop my screenplay. Somebody who believes in me and my vision. Why couldn't I have an Uncle Russell in my life? lol. I always think about how much success Vanessa and Angela have achieved all from their one idea to design a shoe line for Women because nobody had any cutes one that they liked. They had all the resources they needed and he stepped out on a limb for them and they did way more than I'm sure he ever projected. Thats whats up. Stories like that inspire me. I need people who want to take a chance with me. Someone who believes in my vision. I guess I need to get my vision together before I try to present it to the world and get people to support me. Thats my main problem. I will be working more on that. I have all the confidence in the world. I just need my desires to aline with the universe so I can get these resources that I need to do the things I have in mind. I just wish I knew what to focus on. I wish I could clearly see what would be my money maker. It could be anything and everything. I guess the more I start to hash things out and get things organized and in order, things will become much more clearer to me. Spirit guides please be with me. Guide me to where I need to be in order to attract the things and opportunities that are made for me in life so i can live this wonderful life that is in my heart and soul. What you want me to do sir? (lmao, i haven't thought about that in years, shoutout to my cousin Chaise, missing my laughing partner always, love you boo!!! I'm tryna make something happen for us Williams' so we can keep the party going for you hunny!!)

Monday, April 22, 2013

I came here to say something

And as I begin to type what that something was, nothing is coming to mind. Normally I have a head full of shit to rant and rave about, but lately I've been so blank minded. This is not like me at all. I don't know whats going on. I haven't been this clear headed in such a long time it feels kind of weird. I must be about to have some moment of clarity situations or something where I need a clear head to get through it all. Its just weird because normally I have a million pressing issues to deal with but lately things have been going pretty smooth. I have a couple of things I need to pay and shit that I said I was gonna do for some people but thats about it. It feels good to finally feel like I only have myself to worry about. I have a tendency to take on other peoples problems without even realizing it a lot of times.

I feel kind of lost now. Like I just don't know where my life is headed. I've been doing things that seem extremely random to me now but i'm waiting for the aha! full circle moment when things start to come together and make sense. Right now, I'm just tryna prepare myself for whatever opportunity may present itself. I really believe God led me to that Network Marketing book for a reason and trust me, Imma read that joint from cover to cover and devise some type of plan soon. I never check the book section, so this was a clear sign from God to me. I'm about to get on it. In fact, imma go get the book and start reading on my lunch break. Surplus money to do all the things my heart desires and early retirement (no later than 31) is in my future. Me and God getting to work on that as I type.

My love life is blah. I don't really  have any complaints because I have too much I need to do for myself before I can really worry about a man in my life. So I guess my current situation will work for now. I guess. I've put that on the back burner. I have someone in my heart but he don't act right so its still a matter of time before I really know whats up with me and him. I try to not think about it because that never amounts to anything but me worrying my self to death about some shit that I have no control over. I'm not the forcing type so if I don't appeal to someone enough to make them want to do right on their own, then all I can do is wash my hands and move on. I'm getting to that point but right now everything is fine.

I just...SIGH...I need to know I'm doing the right things in some way form or fashion. I need to know that what I'm doing now is not what I am setting myself up for in the future because this shit is not gonna work for me forever. I need to start developing my ideas more and go from there. I need to start doing things that coincide with what I want to do. I need to get it together on my end. I haven't been as focused as I need to be and this needs to change. I do not want to get stuck here. I want to develop a lifestyle for myself that works with me and fits me and goes with the things I want to do and am interested in. I'm over just working a job. I need to develop a career for myself that produces a plethora of money for me to live off of and to be able to afford the things that i want in life for myself and for other people. I want to travel. I want to explore the world. I want to be able to call my friends and be like pack your bags we're going to such and such place for a couple days. I got your tickets ready. I want to be able to help people monetarily. Thats the kind of life i want to live. I gotta get this money first. Somehow. God please be with me. Guide me. Amen.

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