Friday, April 17, 2015

"I think I like who I'm becoming..." - Drake

I decided to come to this blog with a different attitude today and instead of discussing my frustrations, I want to speak on some accomplishments I've made in the past couple years.

One of the biggest accomplishments I have made recently is surviving having my heartbroken and remaining positive about love despite it all. It was not easy at all. I spent many nights crying myself to sleep and waking up with puffy eyes. I've written many poems, letters and songs to my ex boo. I even wrote a screenplay detailing a lot of my emotions that at the moment, I could not express in a positive manner. That screenplay probably saved my life more than anything. It was so cathartic for me. I remember writing it and I would literally be laughing or crying or angry depending on the moment. It allowed me to write a happy ending to a story that in reality did not end as well as I had hoped it would. And one day, I hope to have this screenplay turned into a movie for the whole world to see. 

Another accomplishment that I'm proud of is accepting myself. I remember a time where I could be me so effortlessly. I didn't feel the need to hide myself from others. And then my mom told me I was being mean and needed to check my attitude. So I started being nice to people. I started giving them the benefit of the doubt. I started keeping my attitude to myself and it probably helped me in some instances like being a professional at work. But in my personal life, me always feeling like I had to go the nice route was wearing on my soul. And it make me feel like I wasn't naturally a nice person because being nice seemed so hard. And I started feeling like maybe my mom was right, maybe I am a mean person. Maybe I'm not that good of a person that I thought I was. It made me question who I was and eventually I found myself in many situations that showed me who I was. 

And through more heartbreak, losing people I considered my friends, and many cold war tension days, I realized that I am a nice person but I'm also not for the bullshit of people treating me with disrespect or disdain. And I learned that it is okay to take up for myself and not let people tell me who I am. I know me very well, always have. But I guess I had to go through some things like that to make it more clear to myself that I am a good person who deserves love and respect and honesty and understanding and all the positive things that make life worth while. 

And I learned how important it is to not hold grudges, but to let people make their decisions and just carry on with my life because I am the only person I can control. The past 5 years have been a huge self discovery and learning experience for me in many areas of my life. I feel more like I used to as far as myself goes, but I know that I've grown up in so many ways that I'm not the same person at all. And I am proud of that. 

I've learned a lot about love and what it means to me and how important it is for happiness in my life. Loving god and myself being the most important and loving others coming in a close second. And thats another accomplishment that I am proud of as well; establishing and building my own personal relationship with God. I always believed in God. I went to church and sunday school and bible study growing up. It wasn't a regular thing all the time, but I was very well aware of this higher being that was watching me and looking out for me in times where I wasn't looking out for myself. But to grow from that and have my own outlook on what God has been to me has changed my world for the better. It's been a lot of situations that I've been through that have made me question myself a lot, and sometimes even God. I remember many nights laying in bed asking God to help me do better. Help me be better. Help me not feel all the negativity that was brewing inside of me. Help me to let it go. Help me to realize that my life is important and I should be enjoying as much of it as I possibly can. God really saved me. And I dedicate myself to being a person that God can be proud of. A person that God can say is at least trying to do their part in helping people realize their potential and live their best lives and get closer to God on a more spiritual level. 

And sometimes, I help people to the point where I put myself in a bad position and I'm learning how to say no so I don't get caught up in stuff like that anymore. But at the end of the day, I do it because I want to help people do better and live better. It really hurts me to see others hurting so I try to do what I can to help them help themselves. And I'm proud of the accomplishments I've made in that arena as well. I have friends who know and trust that if nothing else, the advice I give them is all about helping them be better people to themselves. And it makes me feel good to know that people trust my advice whether they take it or not. Cause at the end of the day, I am a genuine person. If I fuck with you, I fuck with you. If I don't, its no beef, I just chose to be around people who I feel more comfortable being around. And I'm proud that I'm learning to be more selfish and look out for myself because I have a tendency to always be doing things in the grand scheme for others and not for myself. 

I really do think I like who I'm becoming. I'm still a work in progress. I still clam up sometimes and stress over telling people no, but I make myself do it when I know I need to. I still have some negative feelings toward love mainly because love hasn't worked out in my favor yet. Yet being the opportune word because again, I still believe that Love, true love will happen for me one day in some form and all the other shit I had to deal with to get there will be water under the bridge at that point. 

I guess I am in a good place mentally and emotionally, if nothing else. My mother recently came to me and told me that she felt like she had been slacking in the showing me love department and she was going to do better. That really touched my heart because I been feeling like she doesn't show me the same love that she does say my brother or nephew sometimes and it has been hurting my feelings. And I've been trying to express it for years but it always turns into a situation where I have to end up apologizing for how I felt. And this last altercation we had, I think she realized how she can make things about her all the time and my feelings get pushed to the side. And I still was the one to apologize to her because for me, at the end of the day, nothing is more important than maintaining a loving relationship with my mom. Even if I have to be the one to suck up all my feelings and let her be her. But for some reason, I feel things may start being different for us. I accomplished expressing myself to my mother, which has always been a hard thing for me to do because she is so sensitive and its almost always easier for me to just let it go than to try and convince her to care about how I feel she's treating me. But I have been trying to do with better with letting people know how I feel about things. And I'm proud of what I've accomplished so far. 

Especially with Marcel. I'm a completely different person with him and I'd bet money that he knows it. I'm no longer attached to him emotionally and lord knows that is a great accomplishment for me. lol. It's been a long time coming. And the fact that I can still be cool with him makes the accomplishment even more satisfying because that is what I wanted. I fought hard not to hate him and I can honestly say that I don't. I hate how things have turned out between us and its nobody's fault. Its life. I was 20 when I met him. I'll be 29 this year. Growing up has a way of putting things into perspective and at the end of the day, me being happy with the decisions I have made and will make in life became more important than the hopes, wishes and dreams I had for myself in the past. I'm getting back to living in the moment and learning to enjoy creating a life around the people and things I love and enjoy. 

Of course its some things that I still worry about and need to pray on. My car situation is one of them. And mainly because besides the monthly $410 car payment and $125 insurance payment, I still have to put gas in my car. I still have to clean it. I still have to keep it serviced. I need tires right now. I had to get brakes a few months ago. Its A LOT of financial responsibility and I'm already in over my head with money issues. The number of loans I have is crazy. And that is my fault. I overspent my credit cards trying to keep myself and others happy, but again that is my fault and lesson learned. And I've been praying for some additional income from somewhere. I want to get a part-time job, but it has to be one that is worth it and won't put too much more stress on me. Right now, I'm managing everything but the thought of having to keep up with this shit for the next 5 years is really bothering me. Mainly because I feel stuck in the life I'm living for the next 5 years at least. I pray my car is still in good shape by then cause I refuse to EVER get another car payment again. I knew I never wanted one, but at the same time, I need this financial responsibility practice for when I get older and want things that require to show that I can be trusted. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to be alone forever. More so because I feel like I've been alone for so long and it doesn't really bother me that much, and that kind of scares me. Its a feeling that I've grown so accustomed to that I don't know how to act like I want to be in a relationship. Because I've always wanted to be in a relationship. A good loving one, to be more specific. But apparently, I do not come across as the relationship wanting type. And I don't really know how to work on that. When I like someone, I show them. So to me, if the relationship is supposed to progress to something more serious than being friends or friends with benefits then it will. I don't like putting pressure on love. I can only hope that someone will take the time to get to know me and want our relationship to develop naturally and genuinely.

Life is great, and if its not feeling that way right now, it won't be long before it will again. I have to always remind myself of this. 

Thursday, April 9, 2015


I came here to kind of get some things off my chest about my life. Then I re-read some of my previous posts and realize that I keep falling intot the same trap with people and I always end up on the disappointed side.

My mom had her appendix removed recently and she's been being an evil bitch. Mainly because she thinks nobody is sympathetic to what she is going through so she feels like she is dealing with it alone. But shit, thats how I feel about life 99% of the time. I think she being dramatic and depressing because the people that she have to help her, she won't use them. She'd rather just complain about the people who not doing shit. And be miserable and take it out on everybody else. I aint got time for that shit.

I'm so sick of people, idk what to do with myself sometimes. I want beat motherfuckers up. I wanna slap people upside the head. I want them to get where I'm coming from FOR ONCE. Like with my mom, I'm not uncaring to what she is going through right now. But in the grand scheme, she's doing fine. She need to start getting up and stop being the lazy, evil bitch she is and start working on recovering. She probably mad right now cause she don't have her pain pills anymore, but she knew they weren't giving her another dose so she need to just get the fuck over it.

I'm just sick of having to deal with other people being "the way they are." But when I do anything that isn't considered nice, I get called so many names. And I think part of it is I feel bad about being not nice on my own so when people put their two cents in, it kinda pisses me off. Im a nice person 90% of the time. I think I'm allowed to have a couple bad days. And even when I am having a moment, I stay to myself because I know how I can sulk and just be in a bad mood. And when I'm over it, I'll resurface.

I feel like this is a test from God in some way. But I don't know how to talk to people who use feelings and emotions to their advantage. My mom and Marcel act the exact same. They both try to make me feel like I'm wrong all the time and it weighs on me because I love them and I'm the type of person that will apologize whether I felt like I was wrong or not. Just because I care more about my relationships with people than being right. But I'm tired of being the one who is apologetic. I'm tired of always having to be the peacemaker.

At this point in my life, if you choose to treat me like anything, then fuck you. And you can be my mama, ex boo, whomever. I just don't give a fuck anymore. And its not even really an option to talk to these people because they can't get outta their own feelings for one second to see that they are being complete assholes to people who genuinely care about them and want to see them doing good.

I love my mother to death but she petty, she got jealous tendencies, she dramatic, she will definitely lie when she feel like its necessary. She take everything personal. She treat  me like I've never done anything for her when I'm the only person who she can truly rely on to help her whenever.

I'm just not the type of person who know how to come back from people treating me poorly when I treat them very well. I can't help that people get mad when I treat them how they treat me. My mom has never made me a priority in her life. She was there for me when I had my surgery that time, but because I would have been there by myself if she wasn't. And still, she always think about that time as a moment that people should have been there for her and what she had to go through in dealing with me. When in actuality, I was fine. I was recovering but I was fine.

My attitude is just so different from my mom's and its hard for me to deal with her because she is very negative in her attitude right now and I just can't deal with it. It really makes me angry. She acting like a spoiled rich kid whose parents decide to send them to a third world country for the summer just to show them how good they really got it.

And everybody keep making excuses for her behavior. Oh it takes her a long time to recover. What that gotta do wit her being a bitch to people that are trying to make her feel better? If she wanna be a miserable evil bitch and cry and complain about an appendix surgery that went well and now she has to spend weeks recovering from, then thats on her. If she don't want to look on the bright side of things, then what the fuck can I do? She want somebody to sympathize with her but she being real depressing for no real reason. That makes it hard for me to sympathize cause its like you want to be sad. You want to be depressed. You want to sit around and think about people not doing this and not doing that. You want all the negative emotions you are feeling because if you wanted to be happy, thats what you would be trying to do. You would be trying to be nice to people. AT LEAST. You would be trying to get up and move around and do things. You would go sit outside during the day because it has been nice.

And again, its nothing I can do for someone who wants to be miserable. You can have all that shit. I currently got a lot of shit going in my life that makes me miserable enough, I don't need help. I don't want help.

Life is going to start looking up. I'm going to be re-reading these posts soon enough and think back on life like damn bitch you was really unhappy, I'm glad  you bossed up and made your life better for yourself. I'm glad you realized you can't save everybody and you're not responsible for people who want to be miserable just because that's what they are used to. I'm glad you're living your life and not letting people make you feel bad about it. I want to read posts on here that describe me having fun in life and not dealing with the fuck shit of others.

One day Lord. One day.

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