Friday, August 28, 2009

This website is amazing for various reasons...

For instance, as of yesterday and especially today I have noticed that I am very irritable, moody and things of that nature. I don't feel like doing too much, but at the same time I am restless. And while I was in a state of peace with myself, I can almost feel my feelings and emotions building up inside me. I can't stop thinking about everything, but in particular, my moving to my new apartment (YAY ME!!!) and my love life, as usual.

So I said all that to say that the above website, pretty much predicted all of this to me. And I read about it yesterday. Crazy right? Read this...


You've reached a time of inner peace and balance. Your perceptions and communication are operating on both emotional and intellectual levels, creating a much more satisfying method of interacting with the world at large. Your personal relationships, especially with the women in your life, are running very smoothly; if you're used to having trouble communicating with your sister or your mother, for example, call her up and enjoy a delightful conversation! If you have a solid emotional base in your life -- a long-term lover, a close connection with your parents, even a very loyal and loving pet -- you'll reap the benefits of that relationship. If not, now is the perfect time to start laying that kind of foundation with other people. If you're single and looking for a lover, this is a good time -- your communication is soulful, emotional and true. If you're single and loving it, this is the perfect time to rediscover how much emotional nourishment you can actually provide for yourself. After all, your relationship with yourself may be the most important of all your personal relationships, and is certainly one to be cultivated.


You're feeling out of sync with your environment and out of sorts for no conceivable reason right now. A rebellious, restless energy passes through your day, disrupting your routine, your work and your mood. If you allow this energy to take hold, you could suddenly find yourself in an argument you wouldn't usually have strong emotions about. Your actions or utterances may surprise you and those around you; you're uncharacteristically defiant and agitated.Keep close watch on yourself, your emotions and your behavior. In a positive sense, any long-buried or suppressed feelings are now coming to the surface, asking for your examination.The work and relationships you are involved in on a daily basis are undergoing some sort of challenge. The people with whom you are closest seem suddenly removed from you; your relationships with them are tense and strained. Rather than simmering under the surface, these tensions are welling up and out; thus, arguments and misunderstandings are likely during this period. You may not be conscious of the fact that there are feelings at work within you that are coloring all your interactions; you would do well to think about what these feelings might be so that you can deal with the world -- and with your friends and loved ones -- on a more direct basis. You feel a bit emotionally jagged now, somehow out of sorts, as if you are not communicating well with yourself. You may get into disagreements with others as a result, especially if you normally tend toward moodiness and irritability. The current energy lends itself well to friction, so the more naturally susceptible you are to getting out of balance, the more this energy will affect you.

See how one day can make such a difference? And its crazy because I can FEEL all of this happening, as we speak. And with this website you can read days ahead, and this intense emotional energy that I feel is suppose to only get stronger. And it is suppose to be the universe's way of getting me to focus more on myself, and my desires, wants, needs, feelings, everything. And I can say that I went through all of this earlier this year, and it lasted from about February to May. But it may have lasted that long because I kind of tried to resist everything that was going on the first time, but as soon as I gave in, I noticed things started to change, and I become more at peace with myself, and what was going on in my life. And my mind was able to rest. It was refreshing.

But I can feel it happening all over again. And I just don't want to go through it, but I know that the more I resist, the longer it will take for this energy to pass. But I am dreading the emotional bursts, and outpours that I know I am bound to experience soon. But I know that all of this will better me somehow in the end, so I have no choice but to suffer through it. But I really hate feelig all extra emotional. I know Im already an extremely emotional person, I just don't show it.

And also, I read on the website that now is a great time to reveal my feelings to my lover. And during my last "whatever you wanna call it," my only concern was letting my "lover" (lol) know exactly how I felt. Like I knew that I had to tell him, but it never actually happened. And now those same feelings are all coming back to me, and I feel the urge to tell him how I feel- AGAIN. Why couldn't I have just stayed the "Carefree don't really give a fuck" girl that I was really starting to love. Because I noticed that some of the normal shit that really got on my nerves months back has not been bothering me at all recently. But I do know that this is something that I am going to eventually HAVE to do, like there is no way around it. It is inevitable, but I can't help but to put it off.

See let me explain. I know exactly how I feel, and in my mind I know exactly what I want to tell my "lover." (lol, that word is so funny to me) But here is my dilemma, I am very emotional on the inside, but I don't express my emotions on the outside, too often. Which, I assume, is why people always tell me they can't figure me out, or that I am hard to understand. But I conciously know the extent of my emotions. I get extremely passionate about stuff that I am interested in. So I do not want to scare my "lover" away by coming off like Im head over heels in love. Because in my approach to explain how I feel, I would need to make sure I told the person how I show somebody I like them. Because I know from just regular observation that my approach is alot less demonstrative in terms of words, and more centered on showing someone how I feel through my actions. And even with my actions, I don't do grand displays of affection, but alot of small stuff that I think really matters in terms of love.

Because for me, just simply being able to stand being around somebody is what matters most. Building a relationship based on friendship is important because with a friendship you learn to love the greatness of that person, but you also learn to accept their flaws. And so I believe in taking my time, and not rushing things. But then I think because I am a girl, guys expect me to be pressing the issue about things, but I don't. I am extremely laid back and cool when it comes to dealing with guys. Especially guys that I like. I try not to develop expectations because that usually only sets me up for disappointment. But I don't want my feelings to be discredited because I don't openly or so dramatically express them, as other women typically do.

And I was told to stop thinking about my feelings, and just feel them. But Im kind of scared because I know how intense my feelings can be. And I know I would be one of those crazy girls if I let my feelings dictate my actions. Cause I be ready to fuck a motherfucker up for small shit that I can't stand. But I know its small, so I get over it. And I don't like arguing, so I avoid it when I can. I don't think Im a lost cause anymore, I just think I need more time. And more lovers. (lol)

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

I Need To Write

My mind is so emotional right now, its crazy. All I think about are my feelings, how I feel about this, how I feel about that. How he feels about this, how he feels about that. And it is driving me fucking crazy. Like I can't even focus. Im at work staring at the computer because I can't get this bullshit out of my head.

I hate feelings. Anybody who knows me well, knows that I am not an emotional person. Or better yet, I rarely have public displays of my emotions. Mainly because Ive mastered the art of controlling my emotions. Well moreso mastered the art of controlling how I express my emotions. Because emotions are uncontrollable. I can't stop myself from getting mad or jealous, but I can control how I express it.

But what I hate is when a surge or overflow of emotions comes over me, and its too much for me to control, and I guess in my attempt to try and control myself, I cry. Whenever Im feeling any type of emotion in an extreme, I cry. And I can't help it.

Its like Im trying so hard to control my emotions, that they build up and build up, and so when they are finally released, I don't know how to handle them. Or when a certain unexpected situation comes up that triggers my emotions, it takes over my mind, and body. I start crying, my voice will start cracking, and I won't be able to talk at all. And then, I won't be able to stop thinking about it. EVER. Because I remember every detail about stuff, and I cant forget. And so stuff is always replaying through my mind. OVER AND OVER.

And it drives me crazy. I hate it. Like I give my friends hell when they fall head over heels in love with people (usually no-good guys), but at the same time Im jealous at the fact that I just can't allow myself to do that. Like I want to not worry, and not wonder, and not be so afraid of how I feel. And be able to express exactly how I feel. But I can't help it. (Im a Leo, My Venus and Rising Sign is in Virgo). So I feel like I was doomed in matters of the heart and Love from day 1.

Because being a Leo means that Im ruled by my heart, and therefore I desire love more than anything else. Which is true. But with my Venus and Rising Sign in Virgo, it makes me very skeptical, critical, and analytical of everything, but especially love and matters of the heart. Which is also true. But then I also have the power of the Leo EGO working against me as well. Because I will not allow anything compromise my pride, and Love is just one of those things that you have to but aside your pride sometimes and just go with the flow.

And I've been trying. I have. But another thing that also makes it hard for me is the fact that I can almost look at somebody and tell whether or not they are worth my time or not. And I've even tried talking to people that I felt wasn't right for me from the moment I met them, only to find out that I was right, and they just wasn't the person for me.

And while that is a good thing, because it saves me alot of heartache and time because I can weed out the non-potentials, it makes finding somebody that I actually like, a very rare occurence. In fact, I can honestly say that I have only really liked 3 people in my entire 22 years of life (about to be 23 soon), and that is including the person that I am currently "liking."

And its bad because I will never really move on until I find somebody else that I really like. And then I drop everything and won't ever look back. Its crazy. And I can't help it. Its how I am. And its crazy because I know everything I do, in matters of love, is all out of fear of being played, rejected, and heartbroken.

Which is another reason that I have such a hard time with love. Because of my fear of having my heart broke, I will never show my the extent of my emotions anymore than the person I like. I will treat him how he treats me. And I always wonder how the person really feels about me, but because I have a hard time telling somebody how I really feel about them, I never ask because I know that conversation is always gonna end up with me having to tell them how I really feel too.
Like I wish I could just do it. Like no worries, this is how I feel. And I have people who tell me I just need to do it. But I can't. Even though I know how bad I need to let somebody know how I feel sometimes.

And whats frustrating me so much now is that I have a guy that I care about. I don't love him. I like him and I care about him. But we aren't boyfriend/girlfriend or anything, so I try not to have too many expectations of him. But we have been talking for a while now and so I do have feelings for him. We don't have any problems. We've never had an argument, or fight. When we're together we get along great. But its a constant love/hate thing with me because of the fact that he is so unpredictable and unreliable.

Like I can see him and talk to him endlessly one week, and then will not hear from him at all for 2 weeks. And I will call and text and he won't return them, and it makes me angry at myself for even wasting my time with him. And then as soon as Ive decided that he is not worth it, and stop calling and texting him, he calls me. And the cycle is repeated. And I can't figure out how to break it. Because I don't want to stop talking to him. I want him to act right. But he has been like this for a while now, and so I can see that it is just him. But it still drives me crazy.

And now my dilemma is whether I can deal with that part of his personality, or not. And the way that I've been dealing with it is by not calling and texting him, but thats getting to be hard because I want to call him and see him, and talk to him. I just can't win it seems like.

But I think Im making it more difficult than it actually is, because at the very least I know he respects me. And I know he wouldn't intentionally hurt my feelings. But whether unintentional or not, I can see myself getting hurt by him. From the moment I realized I liked him, I said he was going to be the guy to completely break my heart. And Im really scared that he will. And Im trying not to develop a self-fulfillilng prophecy about it, but I can't help it.

And Ive tried trying to find more guys to talk to, so that I could at least get my mind off him for a while. But again, that doesn't work because I want him. I don't want anybody else. At least thats what my heart is telling me. Because I do like him, and he does make me happy when Im with him, but it drives me crazy with all the thinking, feeling, and emotions when Im not. And then facebook doesn't help. And then knowing that he talks to other girls doesn't help. And knowing that he is a Gemini doesn't help. And not knowing exactly how he feels doesn't help.

But at the same time, I don't want to ask him how he feels because I don't want it to change anything. Because I don't want him to be my boyfriend. I ultimately just want the boy to answer his phone, and not ignore me. Because if I don't answer his texts back within a reasonable time, he will call me, and text me stuff like "how you gone text me then not text me back." And I fall for it every time. He makes me weak. And that is not a good thing. For me. At All. Because usually I be wanting to see him so bad, that I will forget all the shit that I was mad at him for as soon as he calls or texts me. Its bad. Really bad.

And I kinda wanna just start ignoring him and stuff when he calls me, but Im too scared my plan will backfire. Plus I don't like playing games anyway. Id rather not, but Im not above it. But Id rather not. I guess I just want some type of reaction out of him. SOMETHING. that will let me know where I stand. Because I know how I feel and where I stand, but I don't know with him, and so I can't really make the decision of whether I want to say fuck it or not. Because I don't think it would be fair for me to just decide to say fuck it when I never told him how I felt, and he has never told me.

I don't know. I guess I just know how serious Love is. See how my mind works. I can't think of anything without going through every possible situation. Which may work out in other aspects of my life that requires that, but not in Love.

Love is suppose to be spontaneous, and spur of the moment. Its suppose to come in and swoop you off your feet (and sometimes bring you back to reality) without a moment's notice. You should never have specific expectations of Love. Because the way I love you, may be different from the way you love me. And the way I show you that I love you, may be different from the way you show you love me. But it does not mean that I love you any less or more.

And while I know all of this, and can pull all of this out of my head, I still just can't seem to let myself love and be loved. But Im working on being more verbally expressive of my true feelings. And stopping trying to think about my feelings so much, and to just feel them. Baby Steps, Baby Steps.

(whew) This really helped...

Thursday, April 23, 2009


Thats actually a good sigh. Like a breath of fresh air. For the past couple of months I have been what I call "Rolling Stoning." Just pretty much doing what the fuck I want to do. I had to get a way and clear my mind and refocus and recenter. Im getting there. Learning something different about myself everyday. I always joke with my mother about turning into the "into the wild" guy, but I would seriously consider doing something like that. But not to that extreme.

These past couple of months have made me realize even more that I DO NOT want to work for anybody else. If I am going to be slaving, day in and day out, living paycheck to paycheck, and barely making it, I want all that hard work to be put into establishing something of my own. I say something because I haven't gotten that far in my transformation. Baby steps, baby steps.

Its funny because Im actually beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Like the lightbulb finally came on. And I realized that everything I was doing beforehand was me just doing something so that people would not be bothering me about "what Im doing with my life." But now I don't care. Like really. I didn't care before but Im respectful, and I was trying to please other people because I used to think that sometimes its just better to go ahead and do what somebody asks of you instead of not doing it and have to hear about it FOREVER.

But fuck all that. I am only responsible for pleasing one person in life, and thats me. I didn't say God because he knows our relationship, and pleasing myself is akin to pleasing him. I know that in life I just want to be happy. If I can wake up every morning and not have to force a smile on my face then Im happy. Nothing in this world is permanent. Whats here today, may be gone tomorrow. So I enjoy life's moments and make the best of every situation thats placed before me.

Nothing is going the way I want it to in my life. Ive been looking for a job for the past 3 months with no luck. Ive had a couple of bullshit jobs but they were not something that I wanted to do, so I didn't do it. Simple as that. And I have a job offer back home waiting for me but I honestly dont want to take it because Im just going to be going back and doing exactly what I was doing when I left. And I left home mainly because I was tired of the same old shit and I didn't want to get stuck. And if I go back I feel like I am going to be stuck.

I found out the other day that the only guy that I actually like, may have a girlfriend. MAYBE. Too much facebooking put me in a bad position because now I don't know what to do with him. I can't ask him about it because he doesnt know that I know. Because of course he didn't tell me he had a girlfriend, but I know for a fact that Ive been talking to him longer than her. But he made her the girlfriend, not me. But if he still talks to me while he alledgely has a girlfriend, then do I really even wanna be the girlfriend? And then I don't know if I wanna keep talking to him because I do like him but I don't want to put myself in a position where I might get hurt. Its complicated. And long and drawn out. And I don't even like talking to guys who have girlfriends because I believe in karma and I want to have a good boyfriend some day.

I don't have my car anymore. I really don't have anything. The only thing that I can say that I own is my cellphone. Its pretty much all I have to show for myself, as far as material things go. And its crazy because I don't care. I knew that I had to fall off, so that I could build myself back up. And thats the process that Im in right now, building myself back up. But this time being smarter about the decisions I make. Because in the past Ive made decisions based off how I was feeling at the moment. And at that moment, I didn't a fuck about school, when everything in my life was built on my being in school. But I didn't care and therefore I didn't achieve to the best of my ability and Im paying for it now. Which is fine, because at least I can say that I did what I wanted to do. CARTE BLANCHE.

At the end of the day, I want to be able to say I lived my life how I wanted to. Thats all I want.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

In My Mind

How You Gone Bench Your Star Player??

(This is for all guys, in words they can understand, who have or had a good girl in their life and just didn't realize it or took way too long.)

She was repping for the team when it had the worst record in franchise history.
When everyone else seemed to lack motivation, she was playing hard in the paint for you every night.
Never was late for or even missed practice for any reason.
In fact, you would find her coming in early or leaving late just so she could practice her free throws and lay-ups.
She has the mentality that "offense sells tickets, but defense wins games," so she doesn't focus on the losses, its all about the team, and her game.
And it eventually pays off, and the team starts winning games, but thats also about the same time everything starts to change.

Winning makes you greedy because you're constantly hungry for the attention that comes along with it.
You win one, you wanna win another.
Losing becomes your last option.
So you start trying things out and moving people around, thinking that it is better for the franchise.
Now everybody wants to be the star player.
Everybody wants to come in early and leave late.
With so many new options, you can make so many more new plays that you hope will win you more games, cause it is all about winning right?

But what about losing your former star player?
The one who was down to represent the franchise when nobody else cared.
The one who was always on point from day one of being apart of the team.
You had your very own Lebron James.
You inadvertently made your former top starter, your number one bench warmer.
Reducing her playing time, making her sub in and out only when the other players don't care about playing up to their full potential.
Those players don't care about the team, they are their for the side show.
They want the groupies, and VIP club access. They don't appreciate the team.
So now your star player feels like her efforts are in vain.
It is no need for her to try anymore because when she does you still treat her the same.

But don't worry about your star player because they're all pretty smart.
While you think she's still repping, she's discussing trade options to be star player for someone else's franchise team.
Whether you realize it or not, she understands that "offense sells tickets, but defense wins games."
Its like how Kobe can drop 50 points in a half easy, but his team still lose the game.
Cause without a Shaq to block shots, you won't get a championship ring.
And by the 4th quarter, Game 7 of the Finals, you're gonna wish you had a star player on your team.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

25 Random Things About Me

Ive seen millions of people doing this on Facebook, here is mine:

1. I LOVE taking HOT showers. They are so refreshing.

2. Ive been crying a lot lately, which is 100% times more than usual, since Im not a cryer AT ALL. But I've actually been crying in a way that is helping me, if that makes sense. Sometimes a good cry helps.

3. I haven't had a Valentine since the 7th grade, which is equivalent to not having a Valentine at all because it doesn't really count

4. I put on this front that I don't care about alot of stuff especially when it comes to guys, but I usually do. But from the self-fulfilling prophecy idea, I figure that if I tell myself I don't care, then eventually I won't. And it works because eventually I end up not caring forreal.

5. I have never seen my father a day in my life. Never talked to him. I used to know what his name was but over the years I forgot. And I can honestly say that I don't really care.

6. Im a Mama's Girl.

7. I just started tearing up as Im writing this. I don't even know why. lol

8. Ever since this guy I met died in a freak accident, I worry that things like that are going to happen to my family and friends.

9. I hate college. Never liked it. Never felt like it was anything other than the next step after high school.

10. But I regret not fully participating in the college experience. I should have went to a black school

11. I hate UNC for my own personal reasons and I refuse to wear any of my Carolina clothing or Carolina blue at all for that matter. And I vow never to step foot in Chapel Hill again once I graduate.

12. Yes, I haven't graduated. And at this point, I don't really care whether I do or not. But I will, only because it would devastate my mother if I didn't.

13. I hate when people insinuate stuff about me that is completely out of my character. For example, this guy asked me if I was playing on his phone, and I got mad. Because I don't even like talking on the phone, number 1, and playing on the phone is some childish ass shit that Im just too grown to be doing.

14. Speaking of guys, I hate when they assume that Im going to act just like the little childish ass girls they are used to dealing with, and so they treat me and talk to me as such. Fuck that. Im not a dumb female AT ALL. Im smart, for future reference.

15. The greatest thing a guy has ever said to me was, "I wish you was a dumb girl who would just do whatever I ask them to do." All I could do was smile...

16. I hate the sound styrofoam makes when you move it or touch it. It makes me cringe

17. My first tattoo will be the words Carte Blanch somewhere on my body.

18. I used to not really like light skinned guys, unless they were extra sexy. But now, since living in MD, I want me one so bad. lol. I see them all the time, with long ass ponytails, and hats. SEXY. I even used to hate hair on guys, I think I love it now. lol

19. I want some white friends. No disrespect to my black friends, but I be wanting to do some different shit, and experience some different things. Cause its so hard to get my black friends to do "white stuff," like karaoke, and skydiving.

20. Lately, I have been going to sleep around 10-11 pm and waking up at 8:30 am. So Not me. My former hours were probably going to sleep around 3-4 am and waking up around 11 am.

21. I read the dictionary. In fact, I was on looking up words the other day, FOR FUN. My vocabulary is impeccable.

22. I hate wearing underwear. But I pretty much have to, so the only time I don't put any on is when I'm going to sleep or just chillin at home. I started wearing alot of thongs lately too. They are the closest thing to wearing nothing.

23. I want to travel. Everywhere. From the smallest towns, to the most exotic of places.

24. One of my legs used to be shorter than the other one because I broke one of my legs in the growth plate on a trampoline when I was younger. And I had to wait until my other one stopped growing before I could do anything about it.

25. I bought something for a guy for the first time in my life this past Christmas. And it was weird because I actually wanted to get him something, and I didn't care whether he got me something or not. I think I just like giving people stuff just so I can see their reactions.


(I complain on here way too

1. I need a JOB...ASAP

2. I Need My Car...BAD

3. I have a book/short story to write that should have been turned in yesterday. And I haven't started at all. (besides the basics of the plot and characters)

4. I have a paper due Friday for my history class, but my book is at home, and I am not.

5. Valentines Day is coming up, and I need a date (or a victim)

6. my hair needs to be cut...this is about the time of year that I start hating it because its growing out of control.

7. I need some female friends...But DC Bitches...idk about...

8. My phone bill needs to be paid ASAP

9. My appetite is fucked up from my Half-Baked Project (but plus side- Ive lost like 10 pounds) But it was from long days of being hungry, but I can't eat, because as soon as I take one bite of anything I feel full, and my stomach starts hurting, and I feel as if Im going to throw up, and I hate throwing up

10. The only guy that I even remotely care for is acting stupid and we're beefing (well I'm beefing with him)...and its starting to make me not like him...forreal...and once I stop liking someone, its a wrap. I don't do second chances AT ALL... And to make matters even worse, I think my mother actually likes this guy, and she's never even met him. I know she likes him because she always asks me about him, and she never asks me about guys that she doesn't care too much for.

But on a good note...

Ive still got my health, except for my eczema driving me slightly crazy with the itching. So I can't really complain. All of this is expected as I have FINALLY branched out and started moving forward with my life. For a while, Ive been at a standstill, but that had to stop because I will not be stuck.

So the grind...yeah Im on it...the struggle...yeah I feel it...But it will all be worth it...Things are working out, things are looking up...You gotta have the struggle, so you can appreciate the success right?


Saturday, January 24, 2009


Dec. 9th was my last post. I been slacking BIG TIME.

I don't even really have anything to say now. Its fairly early, Im up, but thats because I went to sleep at like 11 on a FRIDAY NIGHT. So not me. But TONIGHT, Im partying HARD. My bitches are coming to visit, (btw Im out of town AGAIN) so I know it will be a crazy night. I was suppose to get my hair done but my aunt is booked up today, so now Imma have to do something to this mess I call hair. And I need a new outfit. So my day will pretty much go as such...

Shower ( if you remember I love showers lol)

Put on Clothes

Fix Hair

Go to cousins house and wait for her to get ready (hours of waiting time im sure)

Go to Mall


Go back to the house


Get Dressed

...the next couple of activites need not be mentioned...
(I don't wanna tarnish my good girl reputation HAHA)

Shake my ass in the club

...More activities that need not be mentioned...


Blame It (Remix) - Jamie Foxx feat. Busta Rhymes, Lil Wayne And T-Pain

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