Tuesday, March 17, 2015


Some people really get on my nerves. I try to be nice and keep people on my good side but its like a never ending struggle to be that way. Why I always gotta bring out the me that don't give a fuck? People don't want me to be nice to them I'm starting to learn. Its the craziest thing in the world to me. Imma just really start ignoring people. Like really start making it very clear cause some people just annoy me to the point where I think about doing some real mean shit because its apparent they take my kindness for weakness. I don't understand.

I really need to hit the lottery for a couple million so I can just get the fuck and go enjoy my life. All these spirit draining, life complaining, my life more important than yours acting ass motherfuckers have really taken a toll on my spirit. I feel like I can't even be myself forreal. I can't even be nice. I gotta resort to the me that could care less about anybody else and all their life troubles that they swear my fault. Its so annoying.

And Im more annoyed now than ever because its like I continue to expect something different from people. Especially people who I've been nothing but nice to. And they never change. They never give a fuck. I'm the crazy one. Clearly. I keep thinking something gone be different. It never is and it only upsets me.

And I'm not even upset to the point where its bothering me emotionally forreal. I'm more mad that I believe over and over again that shit will change. This gift and a curse of having an optimistic spirit and mindset. Always looking at the bright side of things doesn't work because the reality of the situation is some people will NEVER give a fuck and some situations in conjunction with certain people will always leave me disappointed in myself for even believing them again.

And being honest rarely helps cause people rarely take the time to see your side of the story cause they too busy trying to defend theirs. I'm so sick of it. I know I stick with my story because one thing I try to do is be rational and honest with myself. Which leaves a lot of room in my stories for the truth and not my personal feelings. I could care less about being right in a situation, but you won't get away with trying to make me feel wrong when I know for a fucking fact that I am not. And even if I feel remotely wrong, I can admit it. I can apologize. And I can make up for what I did if there is a way that it can be made up to someone. I do the fucking work. No one else does and I'm sick of it.

This is one of those days where I just want to be around people who understand me. People who really know me. People who not always trying to manipulate me or take advantage of the fact that I am a REAL human being. I don't pretend to be hard. Or pretend to not be hurt. Or pretend that I'm happier being a ruthless selfish bitch who don't give a fuck about nobody but myself. Pretending that I don't need anybody. I'm just sick and tired lord. I need a permanent vacation from this bullshit. I can't take it. I need a new life lord. I don't wanna die though. lol.

I need some new scenery. I need some new air to breathe. I need some new interactions with people that are refreshing and make me feel like the universe is working in my favor cause right now, I'm just sick of everything. I can't pretend to be happy about shit anymore. I can't pretend that I'm cool with going with the flow. What do I have to do to get over this hump of life that is holding me back from where I know I can be? Its so frustrating and I feel so stressed and unattached from life. I don't feel like I'm living. I'm existing. I'm here for everybody's guilty pleasure. I'm here to pick up other peoples slack. I'm here to make other peoples problems my own. And when I try to get away from shit like that I get people wondering why I'm abandoning them. Why I'm ignoring them. Why I'm actually putting MY LIFE in the forefront of theirs.

Being a nice person has it perks but lord knows these are the down sides. People expect WAY TOO MUCH especially when I've gone above and beyond with little to no thank you or appreciation. If I could win the lottery, I'd be on first flight to a beach somewhere and probably would NEVER return.
Well i won't say never cause there are people whom I love who do look out for me and I dont' want to ever distance myself from them. So I'd come see them, but then I'd be right back to my private island where I don't have to worry about a got damn thing but myself.

I gotta keep reminding myself that as long as I am single with no kids the ONLY person i need to worry about is myself. Thats my only responsibility. Thats the only person who I need to be putting in an extra above and beyond effort to make happy and satisfied. I'm the only person who is going to ever really appreciate and reciprocate that effort anyway. Me and God. I guess God proud of me for one thing- I don't give up on people like I probably should. Until its very obvious and clear that me not giving up on them is hurting me more than it is hurting them.

Okay i'm tired of ranting. Just had to get that off my chest. I'll be okay once I just start doing what I need to do for me.

Monday, March 9, 2015

2015 still cool, i guess. lol

That great start kinda fizzling out but I'm still trying to remain on the sane side of life. lol.

I'm still working out and getting in better shape. I really gotta start going beast mode cause i'm maintaining but i want to lose a little more and tone up a lot. I've been doing research on how to do that so its just a matter of me getting off my lazy ass and making it happen. I worked out this morning and I always feel good about that.

My love life still shitty. I'm starting to believe that may never change. Its been bleek for too long. Ion know what lesson God tryna teach me in regards to my love life, but apparently I'm not getting it cause the fuck shit won't end. lol. I meet a lot of guys who pretend to be interested in me just to get some vagina. I probably assume most guys are like this but thats probably because I never feel like they genuinely want to get to know me. And that may be because I spend time with people I want to get to know and I guess I expect that out of others too. Its hard for me to believe you want to get to know me when all you ever really wanna do is fuck.

Awwww man, saying that gave me a glimpse into myself. Don't you hate those moments? Cause I do that shit too but I just don't get enough sex in my life so when I get the opportunity with somebody i like, idk how to act lol And I've recognized that within myself and I have been working on it. Don't know if I'm making any progress but I am working on it lol.

I think what I'm waiting for in my love life is for somebody to simply care about me. Like for somebody to take the time to think about me. And not think about me cause they dick hard, but to actually be like I wonder if Megan is having a good day. And if she not, I wonder what I could do to make her day better. I wonder if Megan wants to go have some fun with me tonight cause I know she be in the house bored as hell most of the time. I wonder if Megan wants some company cause I miss being around her. I wonder if Megan needs a mental break from life and would want to come spend the weekend with me. LIKE WHERE DEY AT DOE? WHO IS THINKING ABOUT ME BESIDES ME? lol.

And sometimes I think guys probably would be like that with me but they think all I care about is sex so they don't think about much else with me. I'm not gone fake and act like sex not important to me. I can't do it. I'm sorry. If Imma be with someone forever, sex gotta be on fleek. I want other things too but sexually I'm too much of a sexually expressive person to be repressed in a relationship cause I act like Ion care about sex. Cause i do lol

And I don't know how to come across in a better way. Somebody just gone have to love me for me. Some things I can accommodate to wade in the waters of the world but some shit, I got to keep cause its me. And being in a relationship that allows me to comfortably express my sexuality is something I need. And its not just sex. Its affection. When I'm really feeling somebody, I turn into a sex crazed maniac. I wanna lay up. I wanna do girly stuff. I wanna make him cupcakes and cookies and shit. I wanna try all the freaky shit that I think of with him. I'm very lovey dovey but in the beginning its going to come across as sex crazed maniac cause I don't get a lot of action where I can just lay up and fuck and feel complete. I can be that honest with  myself. If they can look over that part of me in the beginning and tell me no sometimes, and not assume i'm a nympho, we can make it. I know it lol.

That seems to be the hard part for me. Everybody scared they looking like hoes or wifing up hoes so people go through great lengths to come across as this person who just been sitting back waiting on God to send them the one. Cause enjoying a healthy sex life in the meantime is blasphemous. Everybody wanna be religious, but don't nobody wanna be religious. lol

I read somewhere how some King back in the day basically made up and adopted a new religion so that he could divorce his wife. Never mind just saying fuck what people think and being a leader of your own life and not letting anything dictate it. But basically finagle your way to what you want while keeping the image you presented to people who just gone find some new shit you doing wrong to focus on.

Soapbox. Sorry. Ummm, 2015 going good i guess. I just gotta figure out how imma get this money. What I gotta do besides play to win the lottery? is that it lord? lol

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

I'm off to a great 2015

Just a couple quick updates on my life. I've been doing more soul searching lately because I really feel like I'm at a point where I want to change things about myself for the better. I've been working out lately trying to get into shape so that I can really be in that two piece this summer. I been talking about that shit for years and have yet to make the necessary changes to do so until now. Since the beginning of the year, I've lost about 7-8 pounds by changing my eating habits and exercising. I'm very proud of myself and the progress I've been making and I cannot wait to see more results.

I've been being more selfish this year and looking out for myself and not overextending me for others. This year is all about me and I'm sorry to anyone who cannot understand that but me and the Lord know its WAY PAST DUE. But I guess its right on time in the same sense. I gotta do it for myself and I just hope and pray that the people who claim to love me will understand that I am trying to for once look out for myself entirely. I usually put myself on the back burner for others, but this year I have to work on me. Ever since my grandfather died, I really feel free to kind of start living my life again. I wanted to be there for him throughout everything and now I can see why I ended up back in Warrenton and I wouldn't change anything for the world. I got to be with my grandfather in his last days, and it felt good knowing that he could recognize and see how much I loved him and had his back. If no one else in the world understood me, it was him. And it was refreshing to finally hear somebody recognize me for the shit that I know I do in silence. My grandfather was my world for a long time and now I have the opportunity to go carve out my own life and its good to know he in heaven looking over me. Him, grandma and Chaise cause lord knows I need all the help I can get. And its funny cause they are probably some of the few people in this world who I know got me. And I miss them so much and I want to keep the party going for them and make a lot of money doing it.

Relationship wise, I'm still single. No real surprise since I do still reside in NC. I did meet this one guy recently that I really like. He's a lot younger than me but I fuck with him. I'm not exactly sure how he feels about me or what he thinks about me and idk if I'll ever even find out. He's cool though. Its weird because he is like everything I want in a man. He fine as motherfucker. I could just stare at him some days cause he so pleasing to look at lol. And his smile so sexy I just feel like sexing him all the damn time. He's funny as shit and playful and love that because I want a fun relationship. Not one where everything so serious or calculated or planned out. He dresses so nice, I fucking love it. Like literally everything I can imagine me wanting in a man is him. But again, he's young so who knows where his mind is at and that's understandable to me. If I can't have him God, can i just put in the word that as far as i know him to be, he's my type and I want one like him lol.

But forreal, being single hasn't been horrible. I'd rather be single than be in a meaningless, stressful relationship that does nothing for me. I haven't had any sex in 2015 either. Idk if this is a good thing or bad thing but I'm going with it for as long as I can stand it. I think about dick all the time, but I really only want sex when its late night and I'm in my room fingering myself and I feel stupid about it cause its so many dicks out here that I could be sitting on but I chose to be celibate for no real reason. I'm over me haha

All in all, 2015 is showing me how serious I am about some of my goals this year. But I guess so since I've had them for about 3-4 years now, if not more. I've always wanted to be able to wear and feel comfortable in a two piece swimsuit. I want to start going after more of my goals and dreams in life. I want to complete some of these processes. I want to share my passions with the world. I want to express myself. I want to be great. Ion want no mediocre. lol.

I wanna be ExtraORDINARY. Cause I'm really no different from anyone else, but I do want to go the extra mile and do what it takes to be able to live this life that I imagine. Traveling the world. Eating great food. Meeting even better people. Making connections. Living Life. Enjoying Life. No stress zone. Financial freedom.

And love that is reciprocated without me having to talk shit first. lol. Sad but true. I'm bout to go on a soapbox here but its like sometimes people only do stuff because they feel like if they don't, its going to have a negative effect. And for me, I don't make big deals out of shit so people just always feel like I don't really care. But to me, if you really fuck with me, I shouldn't have to. It should be understood that for my birthday, we should all come together and have a good time in celebration of me. Thats what I do for everybody else and their birthdays. Or at least try my best to. And I just never feel like I get it back in return. I will never forget my mama telling me she aint cook me nothing for my birthday because she had ate so much the day before. Thats the type of responses I get to shit. lol. But she went all out of her way to make sure she did something for my brother. Or even my cousin, who she told me she spent $100 on her baby shower at work. But I try not to let that shit bother me, but it does. And thats why this year, 2015, I chose to be a little more selfish in concern for myself.

My birthday last year wasn't bad but again, it wasn't necessarily what I would like to happen. I want a birthday where I can just show up and have a good time. Not one where I have to plan everything, invite everybody and then people halfway show up. Last year I cooked and did everything for my bday. My Aunt Lisa did come help me decorate and I appreciate that from her. But my own friends was late for my bday dinner. They came when it was over and I felt some type of way but it is what it is. I just plan things to be different this year. Hopefully people can take the time and money out of their lives to fuck with me for my birthday. That's all i really want from the people in my life this year. Just show me you fuck with me. Okay I'm done being semi-sad. lol

Monday, November 3, 2014

So Annoyed

Some people really just know exactly how to annoy the fuck out of me. When I'm done with a situation, nothing pisses me off more to have to continue to hear about the shit. Especially when I've been very vocal about shit and NOW you feel like you should have listened to me. NOW you feel wrong for what you did. NOW you realize that I wasn't being a nag but I was trying to help you out in concern for our relationship. 

Now you wanna admit that you know I was a good girl instead of tryna tell everybody how mean and crazy I am. Now you can see that you're over-reacting and being crazy about shit is what pushed me away. I tried despite ALL THE FUCK SHIT that went on between us because most of it was funny to me and I didn't take it seriously. 

I'm just so fucking sick of guys wanting to feel some kind of way about me after the fact. Why can't I find a man who want to appreciate a bitch like me? lol. 

I stay attracting men with these egos that definitely supercede themselves, and I think its because I like confidence in guys, but not false confidence. And maybe thats something i need to work on within myself. I need to work on being more confident so I can attract a man that can handle me. 

Because I think I give the impression that I'm this meek and mild woman that a guy can easily control and manipulate into whatever they want and a lot of times I do go along with shit but when I get to a point where going along with shit not working for me, then shit can get real. And most guys don't know how to handle that honest side of me. 

In a relationship, I don't mind doing the work but you not gone be pretending that you're doing what you're supposed to and expecting me to actually pull through for you. GOT ME FUCKED UP!

Cause one I'm not pretending to do shit, so if I'm not feeling like my efforts are being noticed then I'm out. I've put in too much time into relationships that were never going anywhere to waste another second on some bullshit. I can cipher through the bullshitters and wait for the right man for me. I've been single this long and I've even been enjoying myself so win/win for me either way. 

The lord gone bless me and I cannot wait. 

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Expressing Feelings

Am I the only person who ends up feeling bad about expressing their feelings to people? Maybe because it always turns into an argument or bad situation. Its like people expect you to go along with shit just because you are in some form of relationship with them. Be it friends, a lover, family, co-worker, whatever. But the moment you open your mouth to express something a person is doing to bother you, you're being argumentative or mean or ruthless or whatever other negative action people wanna put on you for being honest about how you feel.

I used to be that person who just let people do and say whatever towards me and I just sucked it up and let it go. It was never bad stuff being said to my face, but me hearing about things being said about me behind my back or people treating me funny style. And I can always pick up on shit like that because I notice behavior of people. You don't ever have to express to me that you have a problem with me because I can normally tell by how you act towards me. And I used to be the type of person who would just distance myself from people who acted like they had a problem with me, especially if they never express it. But I have grown up a lot in the past couple of years and I appreciate relationships where we can talk about things and express how we really feel about each other- good and bad.

But I'm come to realize that not a lot of people are like that at all. They either do not know how to express their feelings properly, or they shy away from discussing their feelings all together. One thing about me is I can definitely put into words how I feel about someone or a situation. But sometimes it does come across as ruthless and insensitive to someone else's feelings. And I usually do feel bad about it afterwards but I know how important it is to be 100% honest about how I feel. If I think something is stupid, Imma say its stupid. If I think you're being an asshole, Imma say that.And maybe I need to work on keeping my mouth closed, but if you are repeatedly doing stuff, then its hard for me to do that.

I'm starting to really realize that people do not like hearing an honest opinion about themselves. I'm very conscious of my actions and I keep it real with myself. I do sometimes have a tendency to go off about shit when I feel offended or provoked and feel bad about it afterwards but I will apologize. It doesn't excuse my behavior but it shows that I acknowledge it and I want the person to know. I don't go off often. Its usually when I'm tired of ignoring some shit that a person continually does towards me that I do not like. And I oftentimes express that I don't like it way before I ever go off about it.

I guess I just feel like people don't respect or take me seriously. Its annoying and irritating. Even my own mama do it to me and I have to get loud and aggressive with her. That is not who I want to be. I enjoy being happy and in a positive frame of mind and not walking around mad at the world because I'm in my feelings about some shit. And I really try not to take what has happened to me in the past out on people in my present world. I think that is so unfair to others and I've had that happen to me and I never want to treat somebody a certain way just because of how others treated me.

I had to change to protect myself in a way but I'm still me. I'm still nice and sweet and willing to do just about anything for somebody else. I just chose to look out for myself and make sure its not inconveniencing me or that people are just trying to take advantage of me. And I usually wait for people to show me what their intentions are with me before I ever assume anything about them. I go off of how I am treated and I adjust accordingly. And if its too much for me to deal with, I will just peace out.

This time I think I will be upfront and honest about how I really feel despite feeling like the person is not going to receive what I have to say very well. But I do want it to be known why I am choosing to distance myself from someone who I feel brings a lot more stress into my life than happiness and peace. Its just hard sometimes when you do like a person and you can have good moments but it never lasts long enough to even enjoy it. I don't want to be in that type of relationship.

I want a relationship that lifts me up and makes me feel good about myself. A relationship that allows me to be the person I want to be. A relationship that has freedom and we both understand and get why. A relationship where we can communicate honestly. A relationship where we can respect each others feelings and trust that the other is not trying to control or get the upper hand in the relationship. A relationship where we understand that discussing our issues with each other is not about winning an argument but about trying to understand where the other person is coming from. A relationship where me and the person mesh well with each other. I can have a good time with just about anybody but I want a relationship that goes beyond that. A relationship where we both are willing to do the work to make it work. A relationship where the other person actually takes the time to get to know me. A relationship where I don't have to always explain myself. A relationship where my partner knows that I gonna always look out for them but I'm not going to babysit them. A relationship where my man acts like the grown man he swear he is. A relationship where we just connect and actually get each other. A relationship that only God can cultivate. A relationship that allows me to be myself.

I want to be sweet and lovey dovey and affectionate and all over my man. I want to be happy and want to enjoy spending time with him. I know everything not gonna always be unicorns and glitter but for the most part it should be. If I have to spend my days being mad and arguing because I know you don't want to talk about shit, then thats probably not the relationship for me. I would honestly rather be alone. It's been just me all this time and I don't have a problem going back to it. I will miss the company but I will get over it.

I just don't know what to do these days but I do know I need to make a decision for myself. And its leaning more towards me being single than being in a relationship that is not doing anything for me but getting on my damn nerves.

Vent Session: Love Relationships

One thing about me that I know is I cannot be with a controlling person. I have always known that about myself and I make sure to let people know that I cannot be tamed.

First of all, if I'm in a relationship then I really like the person. I must have a good time with them and can see us turning it into something for the future if I even consider them being my boyfriend. I'm not the perfect girlfriend. I don't sit back and allow you to do things that I do not like and make excuses for it. If I have a problem with something, I will express it. I will do it right then and there and I will make a mental note if you chose not to do anything about it. I can usually get over most things, as long as they do not continue to occur. When something continues to occur that I have a problem with and you just brush it off like its nothing, then that creates an even bigger problem to me. So the next time its brought up, I'll probably be more angry about it because I feel ignored.

One thing I hate about my current love relationship is that the person chooses to antagonize me and make me feel like a bad person. So when I go off about shit, he plays the innocent role and will switch a story up just so he can WIN the argument. When shit wasn't even really an argument to me until he started trying to WIN the argument. If I can't express how I feel without it feeling like we're arguing then I can't deal. I really can't.

And its always something so fucking simple. If somebody brings up a topic to you and you ask a question and they respond "Don't worry about it. You don't need to know that." And so when I question why they even told me in the first, and they reply I just thought it was ironic. WHY BRING IT UP TO ME IF YOU'RE NOT EVEN GONNA TELL ME ABOUT IT? WHY? WHY? WHY? Especially when you know I hate that shit. That's so irritating to me. And then when I start going off about it and you start trying to shape the story to fit your story and I call you out on that shit too and then you get mad and say I'm always tryna argue and start shit. NO BITCH, you always doing dumb shit that start shit.

I just really cannot stand when somebody try and tell me what I'm doing. I'm me so I'm very well aware of the shit I do and 99% of the time when somebody try and accuse me of doing shit, it be the furthest thing from my mind. Another argument that started was because I erased a text out of my phone that contained a phone number I needed to call my boo, and couldn't call because I didn't have the number. The first thing I said to him was give me the number because I erased it out of my phone without thinking about it. And then I mentioned how if he got a phone like he said then we wouldn't have to jump through so many hoops just to talk to each other. And he took offense to that and said I tried to blame him for not being able to call him. I told you why I couldn't call. Its nobody fault because its not even that deep to even blame somebody. It wasn't a problem. I solved the problem by asking for the number but still didn't get it.

I'm just over dealing with dumb ass shit. I'm not an argumentative person but you not gone put no dumb shit on me just because of what you chose to think. Shit can get real and I think when I get like that people don't know how to take it because it does seem to come out of nowhere, but it rarely ever does. I just be so annoyed by the fact that if I'm telling you I don't like something and you continue to do it, then just leave me the fuck alone. Simple. I'm not about to keep reminding you about some shit I don't like. Imma just stop fucking with you because explaining myself to somebody who thinks I'm tryna control them will never end well.

I'm controlling when it comes to myself but people are allowed to make their own decisions and if I'm telling you that bringing shit up to me and then not answering me when I ask questions about it pisses me off and you continue to do it, why wouldn't I be mad about it? And why would you have a problem with me telling you about it?

And people always look at me like I act like I do no wrong but the difference with me is when I feel like I'm wrong, I will admit it. Or if I feel like something I did made you feel some type of way, I will apologize and try to fix it whether I thought I was wrong or not. But for somebody who always gotta be right or WIN in some way, I can't deal with. I hate that shit.

And people love making me look like the bad person but it always backfires in their face because I don't treat people badly. I don't even be thinking about shit like that at all. Most times I just be in my own world thinking about nothing forreal.

I'm just really at a point in my life where I can't stand a bunch of shit and it irritates my soul. I can't be with somebody who stay in everybody else business more than they in their own. Or somebody who swear they don't be doing shit and be doing some crazy ass shit. Or somebody who try their best to control me but its gonna backfire in their face EVERY SINGLE TIME. Play dumb with the people who you can get over on, I am not the one. I'm just over it.  And the bad part is I always feel bad after expressing myself. I always feel like I was wrong for getting upset. I always feel like I should have just let it go again but I be tired of letting shit go. If people would stop doing the fuck shit they do towards me it wouldn't be a problem.

I'm very go with the flow. Very chill and cool about shit. And a lot of shit I keep to myself instead of making a big deal out of it because I know how I can be nit-picky and I like things a certain way and I try to let people live. But you not about to inconvenience me so you can get your way. And then put it on me when I speak up about it and you say I'm always tryna get my way. If I don't speak up about it, what I want will never matter to somebody who only give a fuck about themselves.

I can't stress to guys enough, IF YOU WANT A GIRL WHO WILL DO WHATEVER YOU SAY, I AM NOT THE ONE. If you want to be in a relationship with somebody who you can beat in arguments and just gone shut up and bow down to what you say, I AM NOT THE ONE. If I'm so bad, just LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!

I know how to handle shit in a good way, but if you get argumentative with me, then why would I not get that way back. I guess the lesson in this is to learn how not to let people upset me so much. I'll just let them think what they want and move on. That is all I can do. I'm not gonna continue explaining myself to someone who doesn't listen to my explanation anyway. All they are waiting for is their moment to respond and explain. They don't want to understand. And that is fine.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014


For some reason today I am feeling very depressed about where I see my life going. And I don't really know why because its not really bad but I just feel like I won't ever be satisfied. It's so many things I want to do with myself but its hard for me to figure out how to get there. Essentially I am so tired of working a job. I've been working a job since I was 14, so that makes 14 years that I have been getting up out of my bed and doing what other people want me to do. I'm so over it but I believe its so ingrained in my head that this is what I should be doing that I really don't know how to shake it. And because I have bills that have to be paid, I don't see it as something that I will ever realistically be able to let go off. Some days I really wish I could just hit the lottery so that all my financial worries can subside and I can just do what I want every single day. And most people would call that me being lazy and even God might be giving me the side eye but it is really how I feel deep down.

I hate school. I really do not want to go back because it is more of a hassle to me than something that will be beneficial. It would help me get a good paying job but the root of the problem is I'm tired of just being somebody else's worker. I think I'm so much more than that. I want to be my own worker. I want to feel like an asset to an organization and not just an entity that could be replaced at any moment. With my last job at University of Maryland, I could see that the work I was doing mattered. People appreciated me. Not everyone of course, but the ones who did really made me feel like I meant something. My current job rarely makes me feel good. I have to fight so hard sometimes just to not be labeled the bad guy that it really takes away from the accomplishments and achievements I do make.

I think I'm just tired of being the savior and having to put myself on the back burner for others. I want to work towards building the life I want. I want to be the person I want to be. I want to decide how my work day will go. I want all directives to come from me. I know being my own boss would allow me to do that and I believe I would be happy. And I know in my current job, being my own boss would NEVER happen. I'm just tired of doing support work. I'm tired of having to put on a smile and talk to people day in and day out. I'm tired of having to be at work doing nothing when I could be somewhere making moves for myself. And the real sad part of the situation is I have no better opportunities that would allow me to pay my car note, insurance, phone bill and debts off each month. I feel stuck and I hate feeling stuck. And I really feel like I am going to be stuck for a while now because what else can I do? I have a plethora of skills but I do not know how to monetize them. I don't know how to convince people that I am worth giving their money to. I don't know how to get over this hump that I am feeling inside.

I want so much more for my life and I feel the determination inside me to get there. I just don't know how to get there. I need to do some more soul searching because it is really eating at me that I am not feeling like I'm doing what I should be in life. Maybe its just me and I am right where God wants me to be and if I am, I will try to suck it up and enjoy it. But if its not, like I think it is, then God please help me do what I need to in order to get there.


Thursday, March 13, 2014

That Moment (Old Post)

When you want to make a response to something, but you want it to come across in a cordial way. But its not really a cordial way to say what you feel needs to be said...

Yeah I'm there right now. Because real shit, anybody who wants to label me as crazy and drama-filled and negativity are welcome to make whatever decision they want behind that. And that comes across like I don't care but to me, don't let our friendship make you feel obligated to fuck with me. If you think you would be better off not associating or dealing with me, then I'll remove myself from your world. You won't EVER have to worry about me again. I'll provide that service for you. But when I walk away, please know, aint no coming back. Ain't no apologies. Ain't no I was going through some things and blah blah blah. Aint no I was drunk. Or I let this person get in my head. I'm not gonna care. Imma say whats up and keep it moving. Because if you wanna treat me like you don't know me personally, I can do the exact same.

"Live wit it. Now you gotta roommate" -Big Sean.

August 1, 2013 at 11:42 in MD

Know Me

You got me fucked up forreal.
I'm come from a bloodline of killers, my first instinct is to kill.
Okay, I'm lying, we some lovers, but you can get fucked up still.
I'm trying to love you, but you working my last nerve.
What did I do to deserve
this shit?
I can't even be mad.
I probably should be glad cause its sad but I know the life we could live more than likely would turn out bad.
What we had was a fad.
A glimmer of hope in a world gone mad.
My soul mate.
I'm afraid to admit that to you.
But sometimes it feels like I'm connected to you.
No Martin Luther King, but I be having dreams and a psychic told me once that you're not the one for me and even she can't see why I put up with you.
I don't know whats up with you,
but you got me FUCKED UP
The shit I deal with nobody would and you know thats real.
Your bitch mad at me cause she know how you feel.
Classic babymama shit.
Like I don't even know how you put up with it.
You a good one.
Can't knock a man for trying and I won't.
Give the side bitch role to someone who want it cause I don't.
You don't get it.
But you will.
One day you'll be on Facebook being nosey and run across a picture of me and my fiance posing.
You'll be stuck staring at the screen frozen.
You're not gonna wanna believe it until you notice
how hard I'm cheesing.
You're gonna remember that smile forever
because that'll be the moment you realize the chances of me coming back are NEVER.
I'll be out of reach.
You could call me but I probably won't speak.
I'm a faithful woman, I don't even wanna cheat.
And you know that.
And you got me fucked up forreal if you think I would blow that,
I put my life on the slow track FOR YOU.
You know what nigga?
I'm tired of explaining.
You a fucking headache, I'm tired of migraining.
I'm reinstating my pimp card on your ass.
You just play games boo, I. COULD. TEACH. A. CLASS.
Know me, cause listen...
You got me FUCKED UP forreal.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2013 reflections- Its been real!

So today is New Year's Eve and I feel the urge to reflect on a couple things from 2013. If i had to describe this year in a couple adjectives I would call it transformative, eye opening, and life changing. Despite the fuck shit I had to deal with early in the year with Tiffany and Deron, the year was filled with lots of laughs and good times. I didn't travel much. Went to Charlotte, myrtle beach and dc of course. Strengthened a couple friendships, me and Sharnece recognized that our friendship meant more than some nigga. And that really meant a lot to me because people don't normally chose me. She knew my character and stood up for me and I will always love her for that. That's friendship to me. I even made a few new friends. I met Carlton who scares me even though he seems like a nice guy. He scares me mainly because he's probably everything I want in a guy including ambition but only time will tell. He's focused on his career right now and I'm not mad at that. Shit, I'm focused on me and my career too. I can't have the love life I want right now so I may as well go after my other dreams. Other dreams to include establishing myself as an up and coming screenwriter. Better yet, up and coming creator of wonderful life changing profitable things. I plan to be innovative and a visionary. Steve jobs the movie and documentary I watched was so inspiring. That's me all day. To be able to give the world something that will change their life for the better and represent a brand that's all about creativity, innovation and impacting the world is so me. I feel like I did a lot of soul searching this year and got rid of dead weight and emotions that were holding me back. I'm in a good place mentally and I couldn't ask for a better start to 2014. The possibilities are endless. The opportunities are just waiting for me to arrive so they can take me on an adventure that I will absolutely love and be amazed by. I really feel like something special is gonna happen for me in 2014. I feel like this is my moment. I feel like I gotta get down to business. I'm not sure how to get started but I know god will make sure I find the way. I'm really ready to achieve something for myself. I've always been the type of person to look out for and help others get what they want out of life. I've been practicing for years and now it's time to put it to use for myself. Imma have to be even more reclusive this year to get what I need to done. I have no real complaints about my job but I would love a new offer for a better position that works within the realm of what I actually want to do. I am interested in computer science but I'd rather build an it team that works together on projects rather than trying to accomplish everything myself. I would have to learn too much stuff when it's people who know exactly what to do. Hopefully this Microsoft teaching experience will open up doors for me to branch out into a different world that better suites me. I love my city. Warrenton has my heart for life and I will always rep my city but in order for me to do better, I gotta get away. I could comfortably live there for life. But I wouldn't be satisfied knowing that I just settled and didn't at least try to achieve my goals in life. Emphasis on my because I have a tendency to get sucked into other peoples lives and I'm over it. I wanna live for me. I'm finally starting to feel comfortable about it. It used to make me feel selfish but I know now that is just the worlds way of tryna keep you down. I know selfish people and I'm mother Teresa compared to them so I know my heart is in the right place, I just gotta get there. And with gods help and the universe conspiring to make all my dreams come true, I'm so ready to start 2014. I'm debating now about whether I should go home or stay in MD. I only wanna be here because I might get to see my boo again before I leave. But that's not even up to me. That's all on him. Like I really need to be starting my New Year's Eve off with him lol. Despite how crazy it is, I still love him like I used to. Seeing him always confirms it and I know he feels it too. It's outta my control though so i gotta live with it. When god sees fit to send me the man of my dreams, I just hope and pray I'm able to recognize and appreciate it. I just wanna be happy. 2013 has definitely taught me that I have to keep a handle on my happiness and stop letting others steal my joy with their shenanigans. I gotta keep my distance most of the time because I am sensitive and it's very easy to throw me off my game or make me feel some type of way. Keeping positive uplifting supportive people around me is so crucial to my spirit remaining happy. I gotta remember that. I gotta protect and stand up for myself. I have to look out for me. I know god got me but I have to stay on my toes. Especially when dealing with shady people. Another life lesson in the books. In fact, 2007-2013 has been nothing but life lessons. That have brought me back to me. And it's crazy cause all of this is stuff I've always known but needed to register for myself. It has made me stronger and better than ever. I feel like Megan 2.0 forreal. The same me, just an updated version. A more grown up version. Still ratchet as ever just more well defined grown up goals. I've been transformed kinda back into the person I've always been. But at the same time, even better. And man I was great back then, so lord knows it's only a matter of time before I'm back on top again. Hopefully I've created some good karma to carry over with me in 2014. I wanna make some money. Like some real money. Like go online and book flights for my people to meet me out in Fiji money. Money that changes lifestyles. Not people, just the lifestyle. I still wanna be me, no matter what. I wanna create. Any and everything. I wanna impact the world Ina Steve jobs kinda way. That's super ambitious but hey, Steve jobs didn't become Steve jobs by being scared of a lil work. He became Steve jobs by putting in the work. By being himself and making sure his vision was carried out despite everything! And he wasn't afraid to go off and look crazy in front of people because he knew his vision would be successful. He knew it would change lives in a positive way. He believed in the possibilities and worked with others to make it happen. That's true character. That's determination. That's everything. I want that type of pioneering spirit to take over me in 2014. I don't wanna be a bitch. But I do recognize that I will have to be aggressive and expressive. I want what is for me. Not sure what that is yet but I'm willing to find out. I know it's going to be wonderful. And concerning my love life, denario marcel Williams is my heart currently. I really love him and it shows every time we have a moment together. Not sure if it's supposed to be like this or whose fault it is, or who needs to fix it but I do know I love him. And again, only time will tell. Him quitting weed is a good thing. That's really all he needed to do to leave. That's all she could say and now she cant. It's gonna open a door for him that he couldn't see before. Hopefully. God please show him that door! Well no I take that back cause idk if he wants to leave forreal. I guess you can show him the door but it's still up to him whether he will walk through it or not. Lord make him walk through it for me lol! Can I be selfish? Lol honestly, I'm still not over his babymama telling me I didn't stand a chance. Let her know god! Only I can limit myself. I had just as much chance as she did. In fact, I gave you the opportunity you have. Cause shit could have been so much realer but my love for Marcel wouldn't let me act up like I wanted to. I just can't believe I'm still on this guy lol. Love is something else. I know people go through shit but got damn. And idk where any of this is gonna take me but I trust God so I'm ready for whatever. No weapons formed against me shall prosper. 2014 will be the start of some wonderful ness. I cannot wait to get it started. Peace and blessings to myself and others. Amen. Thank you god for such a wonderful year. I wouldn't change a thing. 2014, let's go get em! 

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