Monday, November 3, 2014

So Annoyed

Some people really just know exactly how to annoy the fuck out of me. When I'm done with a situation, nothing pisses me off more to have to continue to hear about the shit. Especially when I've been very vocal about shit and NOW you feel like you should have listened to me. NOW you feel wrong for what you did. NOW you realize that I wasn't being a nag but I was trying to help you out in concern for our relationship. 

Now you wanna admit that you know I was a good girl instead of tryna tell everybody how mean and crazy I am. Now you can see that you're over-reacting and being crazy about shit is what pushed me away. I tried despite ALL THE FUCK SHIT that went on between us because most of it was funny to me and I didn't take it seriously. 

I'm just so fucking sick of guys wanting to feel some kind of way about me after the fact. Why can't I find a man who want to appreciate a bitch like me? lol. 

I stay attracting men with these egos that definitely supercede themselves, and I think its because I like confidence in guys, but not false confidence. And maybe thats something i need to work on within myself. I need to work on being more confident so I can attract a man that can handle me. 

Because I think I give the impression that I'm this meek and mild woman that a guy can easily control and manipulate into whatever they want and a lot of times I do go along with shit but when I get to a point where going along with shit not working for me, then shit can get real. And most guys don't know how to handle that honest side of me. 

In a relationship, I don't mind doing the work but you not gone be pretending that you're doing what you're supposed to and expecting me to actually pull through for you. GOT ME FUCKED UP!

Cause one I'm not pretending to do shit, so if I'm not feeling like my efforts are being noticed then I'm out. I've put in too much time into relationships that were never going anywhere to waste another second on some bullshit. I can cipher through the bullshitters and wait for the right man for me. I've been single this long and I've even been enjoying myself so win/win for me either way. 

The lord gone bless me and I cannot wait. 

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Expressing Feelings

Am I the only person who ends up feeling bad about expressing their feelings to people? Maybe because it always turns into an argument or bad situation. Its like people expect you to go along with shit just because you are in some form of relationship with them. Be it friends, a lover, family, co-worker, whatever. But the moment you open your mouth to express something a person is doing to bother you, you're being argumentative or mean or ruthless or whatever other negative action people wanna put on you for being honest about how you feel.

I used to be that person who just let people do and say whatever towards me and I just sucked it up and let it go. It was never bad stuff being said to my face, but me hearing about things being said about me behind my back or people treating me funny style. And I can always pick up on shit like that because I notice behavior of people. You don't ever have to express to me that you have a problem with me because I can normally tell by how you act towards me. And I used to be the type of person who would just distance myself from people who acted like they had a problem with me, especially if they never express it. But I have grown up a lot in the past couple of years and I appreciate relationships where we can talk about things and express how we really feel about each other- good and bad.

But I'm come to realize that not a lot of people are like that at all. They either do not know how to express their feelings properly, or they shy away from discussing their feelings all together. One thing about me is I can definitely put into words how I feel about someone or a situation. But sometimes it does come across as ruthless and insensitive to someone else's feelings. And I usually do feel bad about it afterwards but I know how important it is to be 100% honest about how I feel. If I think something is stupid, Imma say its stupid. If I think you're being an asshole, Imma say that.And maybe I need to work on keeping my mouth closed, but if you are repeatedly doing stuff, then its hard for me to do that.

I'm starting to really realize that people do not like hearing an honest opinion about themselves. I'm very conscious of my actions and I keep it real with myself. I do sometimes have a tendency to go off about shit when I feel offended or provoked and feel bad about it afterwards but I will apologize. It doesn't excuse my behavior but it shows that I acknowledge it and I want the person to know. I don't go off often. Its usually when I'm tired of ignoring some shit that a person continually does towards me that I do not like. And I oftentimes express that I don't like it way before I ever go off about it.

I guess I just feel like people don't respect or take me seriously. Its annoying and irritating. Even my own mama do it to me and I have to get loud and aggressive with her. That is not who I want to be. I enjoy being happy and in a positive frame of mind and not walking around mad at the world because I'm in my feelings about some shit. And I really try not to take what has happened to me in the past out on people in my present world. I think that is so unfair to others and I've had that happen to me and I never want to treat somebody a certain way just because of how others treated me.

I had to change to protect myself in a way but I'm still me. I'm still nice and sweet and willing to do just about anything for somebody else. I just chose to look out for myself and make sure its not inconveniencing me or that people are just trying to take advantage of me. And I usually wait for people to show me what their intentions are with me before I ever assume anything about them. I go off of how I am treated and I adjust accordingly. And if its too much for me to deal with, I will just peace out.

This time I think I will be upfront and honest about how I really feel despite feeling like the person is not going to receive what I have to say very well. But I do want it to be known why I am choosing to distance myself from someone who I feel brings a lot more stress into my life than happiness and peace. Its just hard sometimes when you do like a person and you can have good moments but it never lasts long enough to even enjoy it. I don't want to be in that type of relationship.

I want a relationship that lifts me up and makes me feel good about myself. A relationship that allows me to be the person I want to be. A relationship that has freedom and we both understand and get why. A relationship where we can communicate honestly. A relationship where we can respect each others feelings and trust that the other is not trying to control or get the upper hand in the relationship. A relationship where we understand that discussing our issues with each other is not about winning an argument but about trying to understand where the other person is coming from. A relationship where me and the person mesh well with each other. I can have a good time with just about anybody but I want a relationship that goes beyond that. A relationship where we both are willing to do the work to make it work. A relationship where the other person actually takes the time to get to know me. A relationship where I don't have to always explain myself. A relationship where my partner knows that I gonna always look out for them but I'm not going to babysit them. A relationship where my man acts like the grown man he swear he is. A relationship where we just connect and actually get each other. A relationship that only God can cultivate. A relationship that allows me to be myself.

I want to be sweet and lovey dovey and affectionate and all over my man. I want to be happy and want to enjoy spending time with him. I know everything not gonna always be unicorns and glitter but for the most part it should be. If I have to spend my days being mad and arguing because I know you don't want to talk about shit, then thats probably not the relationship for me. I would honestly rather be alone. It's been just me all this time and I don't have a problem going back to it. I will miss the company but I will get over it.

I just don't know what to do these days but I do know I need to make a decision for myself. And its leaning more towards me being single than being in a relationship that is not doing anything for me but getting on my damn nerves.

Vent Session: Love Relationships

One thing about me that I know is I cannot be with a controlling person. I have always known that about myself and I make sure to let people know that I cannot be tamed.

First of all, if I'm in a relationship then I really like the person. I must have a good time with them and can see us turning it into something for the future if I even consider them being my boyfriend. I'm not the perfect girlfriend. I don't sit back and allow you to do things that I do not like and make excuses for it. If I have a problem with something, I will express it. I will do it right then and there and I will make a mental note if you chose not to do anything about it. I can usually get over most things, as long as they do not continue to occur. When something continues to occur that I have a problem with and you just brush it off like its nothing, then that creates an even bigger problem to me. So the next time its brought up, I'll probably be more angry about it because I feel ignored.

One thing I hate about my current love relationship is that the person chooses to antagonize me and make me feel like a bad person. So when I go off about shit, he plays the innocent role and will switch a story up just so he can WIN the argument. When shit wasn't even really an argument to me until he started trying to WIN the argument. If I can't express how I feel without it feeling like we're arguing then I can't deal. I really can't.

And its always something so fucking simple. If somebody brings up a topic to you and you ask a question and they respond "Don't worry about it. You don't need to know that." And so when I question why they even told me in the first, and they reply I just thought it was ironic. WHY BRING IT UP TO ME IF YOU'RE NOT EVEN GONNA TELL ME ABOUT IT? WHY? WHY? WHY? Especially when you know I hate that shit. That's so irritating to me. And then when I start going off about it and you start trying to shape the story to fit your story and I call you out on that shit too and then you get mad and say I'm always tryna argue and start shit. NO BITCH, you always doing dumb shit that start shit.

I just really cannot stand when somebody try and tell me what I'm doing. I'm me so I'm very well aware of the shit I do and 99% of the time when somebody try and accuse me of doing shit, it be the furthest thing from my mind. Another argument that started was because I erased a text out of my phone that contained a phone number I needed to call my boo, and couldn't call because I didn't have the number. The first thing I said to him was give me the number because I erased it out of my phone without thinking about it. And then I mentioned how if he got a phone like he said then we wouldn't have to jump through so many hoops just to talk to each other. And he took offense to that and said I tried to blame him for not being able to call him. I told you why I couldn't call. Its nobody fault because its not even that deep to even blame somebody. It wasn't a problem. I solved the problem by asking for the number but still didn't get it.

I'm just over dealing with dumb ass shit. I'm not an argumentative person but you not gone put no dumb shit on me just because of what you chose to think. Shit can get real and I think when I get like that people don't know how to take it because it does seem to come out of nowhere, but it rarely ever does. I just be so annoyed by the fact that if I'm telling you I don't like something and you continue to do it, then just leave me the fuck alone. Simple. I'm not about to keep reminding you about some shit I don't like. Imma just stop fucking with you because explaining myself to somebody who thinks I'm tryna control them will never end well.

I'm controlling when it comes to myself but people are allowed to make their own decisions and if I'm telling you that bringing shit up to me and then not answering me when I ask questions about it pisses me off and you continue to do it, why wouldn't I be mad about it? And why would you have a problem with me telling you about it?

And people always look at me like I act like I do no wrong but the difference with me is when I feel like I'm wrong, I will admit it. Or if I feel like something I did made you feel some type of way, I will apologize and try to fix it whether I thought I was wrong or not. But for somebody who always gotta be right or WIN in some way, I can't deal with. I hate that shit.

And people love making me look like the bad person but it always backfires in their face because I don't treat people badly. I don't even be thinking about shit like that at all. Most times I just be in my own world thinking about nothing forreal.

I'm just really at a point in my life where I can't stand a bunch of shit and it irritates my soul. I can't be with somebody who stay in everybody else business more than they in their own. Or somebody who swear they don't be doing shit and be doing some crazy ass shit. Or somebody who try their best to control me but its gonna backfire in their face EVERY SINGLE TIME. Play dumb with the people who you can get over on, I am not the one. I'm just over it.  And the bad part is I always feel bad after expressing myself. I always feel like I was wrong for getting upset. I always feel like I should have just let it go again but I be tired of letting shit go. If people would stop doing the fuck shit they do towards me it wouldn't be a problem.

I'm very go with the flow. Very chill and cool about shit. And a lot of shit I keep to myself instead of making a big deal out of it because I know how I can be nit-picky and I like things a certain way and I try to let people live. But you not about to inconvenience me so you can get your way. And then put it on me when I speak up about it and you say I'm always tryna get my way. If I don't speak up about it, what I want will never matter to somebody who only give a fuck about themselves.

I can't stress to guys enough, IF YOU WANT A GIRL WHO WILL DO WHATEVER YOU SAY, I AM NOT THE ONE. If you want to be in a relationship with somebody who you can beat in arguments and just gone shut up and bow down to what you say, I AM NOT THE ONE. If I'm so bad, just LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!

I know how to handle shit in a good way, but if you get argumentative with me, then why would I not get that way back. I guess the lesson in this is to learn how not to let people upset me so much. I'll just let them think what they want and move on. That is all I can do. I'm not gonna continue explaining myself to someone who doesn't listen to my explanation anyway. All they are waiting for is their moment to respond and explain. They don't want to understand. And that is fine.




Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Sigh

For some reason today I am feeling very depressed about where I see my life going. And I don't really know why because its not really bad but I just feel like I won't ever be satisfied. It's so many things I want to do with myself but its hard for me to figure out how to get there. Essentially I am so tired of working a job. I've been working a job since I was 14, so that makes 14 years that I have been getting up out of my bed and doing what other people want me to do. I'm so over it but I believe its so ingrained in my head that this is what I should be doing that I really don't know how to shake it. And because I have bills that have to be paid, I don't see it as something that I will ever realistically be able to let go off. Some days I really wish I could just hit the lottery so that all my financial worries can subside and I can just do what I want every single day. And most people would call that me being lazy and even God might be giving me the side eye but it is really how I feel deep down.

I hate school. I really do not want to go back because it is more of a hassle to me than something that will be beneficial. It would help me get a good paying job but the root of the problem is I'm tired of just being somebody else's worker. I think I'm so much more than that. I want to be my own worker. I want to feel like an asset to an organization and not just an entity that could be replaced at any moment. With my last job at University of Maryland, I could see that the work I was doing mattered. People appreciated me. Not everyone of course, but the ones who did really made me feel like I meant something. My current job rarely makes me feel good. I have to fight so hard sometimes just to not be labeled the bad guy that it really takes away from the accomplishments and achievements I do make.

I think I'm just tired of being the savior and having to put myself on the back burner for others. I want to work towards building the life I want. I want to be the person I want to be. I want to decide how my work day will go. I want all directives to come from me. I know being my own boss would allow me to do that and I believe I would be happy. And I know in my current job, being my own boss would NEVER happen. I'm just tired of doing support work. I'm tired of having to put on a smile and talk to people day in and day out. I'm tired of having to be at work doing nothing when I could be somewhere making moves for myself. And the real sad part of the situation is I have no better opportunities that would allow me to pay my car note, insurance, phone bill and debts off each month. I feel stuck and I hate feeling stuck. And I really feel like I am going to be stuck for a while now because what else can I do? I have a plethora of skills but I do not know how to monetize them. I don't know how to convince people that I am worth giving their money to. I don't know how to get over this hump that I am feeling inside.

I want so much more for my life and I feel the determination inside me to get there. I just don't know how to get there. I need to do some more soul searching because it is really eating at me that I am not feeling like I'm doing what I should be in life. Maybe its just me and I am right where God wants me to be and if I am, I will try to suck it up and enjoy it. But if its not, like I think it is, then God please help me do what I need to in order to get there.

Amen.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

That Moment (Old Post)

When you want to make a response to something, but you want it to come across in a cordial way. But its not really a cordial way to say what you feel needs to be said...

Yeah I'm there right now. Because real shit, anybody who wants to label me as crazy and drama-filled and negativity are welcome to make whatever decision they want behind that. And that comes across like I don't care but to me, don't let our friendship make you feel obligated to fuck with me. If you think you would be better off not associating or dealing with me, then I'll remove myself from your world. You won't EVER have to worry about me again. I'll provide that service for you. But when I walk away, please know, aint no coming back. Ain't no apologies. Ain't no I was going through some things and blah blah blah. Aint no I was drunk. Or I let this person get in my head. I'm not gonna care. Imma say whats up and keep it moving. Because if you wanna treat me like you don't know me personally, I can do the exact same.

"Live wit it. Now you gotta roommate" -Big Sean.

August 1, 2013 at 11:42 in MD

Know Me

Listen...
You got me fucked up forreal.
I'm come from a bloodline of killers, my first instinct is to kill.
Okay, I'm lying, we some lovers, but you can get fucked up still.
I'm trying to love you, but you working my last nerve.
What did I do to deserve
this shit?
I can't even be mad.
I probably should be glad cause its sad but I know the life we could live more than likely would turn out bad.
What we had was a fad.
A glimmer of hope in a world gone mad.
My soul mate.
I'm afraid to admit that to you.
But sometimes it feels like I'm connected to you.
No Martin Luther King, but I be having dreams and a psychic told me once that you're not the one for me and even she can't see why I put up with you.
I don't know whats up with you,
but you got me FUCKED UP
forreal.
The shit I deal with nobody would and you know thats real.
Your bitch mad at me cause she know how you feel.
Classic babymama shit.
Like I don't even know how you put up with it.
You a good one.
Can't knock a man for trying and I won't.
Give the side bitch role to someone who want it cause I don't.
You don't get it.
But you will.
One day you'll be on Facebook being nosey and run across a picture of me and my fiance posing.
You'll be stuck staring at the screen frozen.
You're not gonna wanna believe it until you notice
how hard I'm cheesing.
You're gonna remember that smile forever
because that'll be the moment you realize the chances of me coming back are NEVER.
I'll be out of reach.
You could call me but I probably won't speak.
I'm a faithful woman, I don't even wanna cheat.
And you know that.
And you got me fucked up forreal if you think I would blow that,
FOR YOU.
I put my life on the slow track FOR YOU.
You know what nigga?
FUCK YOU.
I'm tired of explaining.
You a fucking headache, I'm tired of migraining.
I'm reinstating my pimp card on your ass.
You just play games boo, I. COULD. TEACH. A. CLASS.
Know me, cause listen...
You got me FUCKED UP forreal.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2013 reflections- Its been real!

So today is New Year's Eve and I feel the urge to reflect on a couple things from 2013. If i had to describe this year in a couple adjectives I would call it transformative, eye opening, and life changing. Despite the fuck shit I had to deal with early in the year with Tiffany and Deron, the year was filled with lots of laughs and good times. I didn't travel much. Went to Charlotte, myrtle beach and dc of course. Strengthened a couple friendships, me and Sharnece recognized that our friendship meant more than some nigga. And that really meant a lot to me because people don't normally chose me. She knew my character and stood up for me and I will always love her for that. That's friendship to me. I even made a few new friends. I met Carlton who scares me even though he seems like a nice guy. He scares me mainly because he's probably everything I want in a guy including ambition but only time will tell. He's focused on his career right now and I'm not mad at that. Shit, I'm focused on me and my career too. I can't have the love life I want right now so I may as well go after my other dreams. Other dreams to include establishing myself as an up and coming screenwriter. Better yet, up and coming creator of wonderful life changing profitable things. I plan to be innovative and a visionary. Steve jobs the movie and documentary I watched was so inspiring. That's me all day. To be able to give the world something that will change their life for the better and represent a brand that's all about creativity, innovation and impacting the world is so me. I feel like I did a lot of soul searching this year and got rid of dead weight and emotions that were holding me back. I'm in a good place mentally and I couldn't ask for a better start to 2014. The possibilities are endless. The opportunities are just waiting for me to arrive so they can take me on an adventure that I will absolutely love and be amazed by. I really feel like something special is gonna happen for me in 2014. I feel like this is my moment. I feel like I gotta get down to business. I'm not sure how to get started but I know god will make sure I find the way. I'm really ready to achieve something for myself. I've always been the type of person to look out for and help others get what they want out of life. I've been practicing for years and now it's time to put it to use for myself. Imma have to be even more reclusive this year to get what I need to done. I have no real complaints about my job but I would love a new offer for a better position that works within the realm of what I actually want to do. I am interested in computer science but I'd rather build an it team that works together on projects rather than trying to accomplish everything myself. I would have to learn too much stuff when it's people who know exactly what to do. Hopefully this Microsoft teaching experience will open up doors for me to branch out into a different world that better suites me. I love my city. Warrenton has my heart for life and I will always rep my city but in order for me to do better, I gotta get away. I could comfortably live there for life. But I wouldn't be satisfied knowing that I just settled and didn't at least try to achieve my goals in life. Emphasis on my because I have a tendency to get sucked into other peoples lives and I'm over it. I wanna live for me. I'm finally starting to feel comfortable about it. It used to make me feel selfish but I know now that is just the worlds way of tryna keep you down. I know selfish people and I'm mother Teresa compared to them so I know my heart is in the right place, I just gotta get there. And with gods help and the universe conspiring to make all my dreams come true, I'm so ready to start 2014. I'm debating now about whether I should go home or stay in MD. I only wanna be here because I might get to see my boo again before I leave. But that's not even up to me. That's all on him. Like I really need to be starting my New Year's Eve off with him lol. Despite how crazy it is, I still love him like I used to. Seeing him always confirms it and I know he feels it too. It's outta my control though so i gotta live with it. When god sees fit to send me the man of my dreams, I just hope and pray I'm able to recognize and appreciate it. I just wanna be happy. 2013 has definitely taught me that I have to keep a handle on my happiness and stop letting others steal my joy with their shenanigans. I gotta keep my distance most of the time because I am sensitive and it's very easy to throw me off my game or make me feel some type of way. Keeping positive uplifting supportive people around me is so crucial to my spirit remaining happy. I gotta remember that. I gotta protect and stand up for myself. I have to look out for me. I know god got me but I have to stay on my toes. Especially when dealing with shady people. Another life lesson in the books. In fact, 2007-2013 has been nothing but life lessons. That have brought me back to me. And it's crazy cause all of this is stuff I've always known but needed to register for myself. It has made me stronger and better than ever. I feel like Megan 2.0 forreal. The same me, just an updated version. A more grown up version. Still ratchet as ever just more well defined grown up goals. I've been transformed kinda back into the person I've always been. But at the same time, even better. And man I was great back then, so lord knows it's only a matter of time before I'm back on top again. Hopefully I've created some good karma to carry over with me in 2014. I wanna make some money. Like some real money. Like go online and book flights for my people to meet me out in Fiji money. Money that changes lifestyles. Not people, just the lifestyle. I still wanna be me, no matter what. I wanna create. Any and everything. I wanna impact the world Ina Steve jobs kinda way. That's super ambitious but hey, Steve jobs didn't become Steve jobs by being scared of a lil work. He became Steve jobs by putting in the work. By being himself and making sure his vision was carried out despite everything! And he wasn't afraid to go off and look crazy in front of people because he knew his vision would be successful. He knew it would change lives in a positive way. He believed in the possibilities and worked with others to make it happen. That's true character. That's determination. That's everything. I want that type of pioneering spirit to take over me in 2014. I don't wanna be a bitch. But I do recognize that I will have to be aggressive and expressive. I want what is for me. Not sure what that is yet but I'm willing to find out. I know it's going to be wonderful. And concerning my love life, denario marcel Williams is my heart currently. I really love him and it shows every time we have a moment together. Not sure if it's supposed to be like this or whose fault it is, or who needs to fix it but I do know I love him. And again, only time will tell. Him quitting weed is a good thing. That's really all he needed to do to leave. That's all she could say and now she cant. It's gonna open a door for him that he couldn't see before. Hopefully. God please show him that door! Well no I take that back cause idk if he wants to leave forreal. I guess you can show him the door but it's still up to him whether he will walk through it or not. Lord make him walk through it for me lol! Can I be selfish? Lol honestly, I'm still not over his babymama telling me I didn't stand a chance. Let her know god! Only I can limit myself. I had just as much chance as she did. In fact, I gave you the opportunity you have. Cause shit could have been so much realer but my love for Marcel wouldn't let me act up like I wanted to. I just can't believe I'm still on this guy lol. Love is something else. I know people go through shit but got damn. And idk where any of this is gonna take me but I trust God so I'm ready for whatever. No weapons formed against me shall prosper. 2014 will be the start of some wonderful ness. I cannot wait to get it started. Peace and blessings to myself and others. Amen. Thank you god for such a wonderful year. I wouldn't change a thing. 2014, let's go get em! 

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Frustrationnnnnnnnsssss....

In my Miguel voice.

I woke up from a dream last night so mad and irritated. I had to meditate this morning because Lord knows I would be in a fucked up mood if I didn't. I'm still not my normal cheery self and I think people can tell. lol.

I am becoming more and more frustrated with a lot of things. I need a change of scenery. I'm not to the point where I just want to quit and say fuck everything but I can feel it coming.

I need some adventure. I'm getting bored with life again. The students give me a little excitement for the day but otherwise, I'd rather be anywhere else but here. I have a fear of getting stuck here. I'll be like Whitehead. lol. Been leaving WCHS for at least 10 years now and still ain't went nowhere. I dont mind being here but Lord, Imma need a man, so I can start a family. That is about the only incentive I see to staying around here.

Otherwise, I have got to get the fuck, and since I have not met anybody here that is even remotely worth staying around here with, I gotta go to Plan B.

Don't ask me what Plan B is yet. I'm still trying to figure that out myself. Well no, Plan B is these screenplays. I got to get on that somehow. Thats gonna be my claim to fame. My door into the lifestyle I want to live. I think, lol. We gone see. Basically thats where I'm at in my life right now. Doing a bunch of we will seeing. lol

Which is not bad but its not all that good either. But hey, no risk, no reward. God send me on an adventure. I'm ready for something new and exciting and different and amazing and JUST FOR ME.

Let me know what I need to do. Amen. Thanks for everything. You know I'm beyond grateful.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

My Thoughts in Poetry form

I need to talk to a couple real niggas who know me.
Cause I'm tired of people making me feel like I'm phony.
Making me feel like I'm lucifer. Lord tell me what did I do to her?
I don't get it. Probably never will.
Not a sociopath, but thats something I'll never feel.
You can't tell me I'm a bad person.
And if I am, who am I out here hurting?
What am I out here doing? Explain please before our friendship is ruined.
I don't assume. I wait for people to tell me the truth.
And when you do, don't try to discredit the proof.
I knew my role in your life when I agreed to play it.
It is what it is, I'm just not afraid to say it.
Give and take relationships are the norm, thats not the issue.
Fucking with me like its a secret is what makes me dismiss you.
I'm trouble in your world, but you painted that picture.
You drew all the side eyes that look at me different.
So its hard to believe that you give a fuck when you always searching for moments not to give a fuck.
Cause if you cared, self defense wouldn't be your mechanism.
My feelings weren't attacking you.
It was all about clarity. And I said that to you.
But I'm negative. I'm drama filled.
Whatever man, lets be real.






Real Shit

I'm gonna have to get a couple second opinions from people who know me very well so I can gauge if I should be an asshole or not. Because my first reaction was expected. I knew what kind of response I was gonna get and I was hoping for something more understanding. I should have known better though. My second thought was to start explaining myself. To defend myself. But to me, thats besides the point. Even though it would help my case to literally refute every statement with proof. I could literally do that but its my word and not necessarily proof, so at the same time, it would be irrelevant because the issue is nobody believes me anyway. And I'm a very honest person. I'm not necessarily upfront with everything. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. But I don't hide how i'm feeling either. I keep shit under control until I feel its necessary to bring it to the light.

I'm just really confused as to how to proceed with what I want to say. Because the asshole in me is like go head and say what you really wanna say. But the person that still kinda cares is like be tactful and diplomatic. Have some couth. So I'm torn between "the asshole" and the "the human being" sides of me. And honestly, I don't know if either one actually even cares though. I'm getting a little don't give a fuck from both sides because for one, I'm not a bad person. And number two, I'm definitely not a bad person to her. And number three, I specifically stated my intentions so to put the label of drama or negativity to what I said, is fucking crazy. Period. And thats what bothers me the most about everything. Even still, after I sat here and said if your only response is to call me crazy or make me feel bad, then don't respond. Make me understand because right now, all the shit that was said, came from a personal point of view. Everything I said was flipped in a way to try and make me feel bad for my feelings. My feelings work fine like I stated. And they don't come from anywhere.

Like the fact that no matter how close our relationship is, I'm going to always be my cousin's cousin. Period. She said that. And she never wanted to know any of us in the first place, but she dealt with it because Terrell was so adamant about it. You look at us like family but you deal with us accordingly. Accordingly how? Treat us like family but still be acting like we out to get you for whatever reason. My family don't operate like that, so I'm confused. If I treat somebody like family, I bring them into my world. I accept them for who they are. I don't make them feel bad for what they chose to do. I believe what they say, and even if they try to manipulate me, its funny. I say no and move on. I treat family differently and that might be the disconnection I'm feeling.

I could really break it down and explain but I don't know if I even care to though forreal. And its funny because everything she said is exactly why I feel the way I do. So I know my feelings are valid because she brought the shit up that was always sketchy to me. So there's no way that she can escape or come up with an excuse when I present it to her. But she's just gone think I took everything she said and flipped it for my purposes. But I'll know, and thats good enough for me. Like I'm not tryna argue. I don't even wanna discuss it anymore. I'm over it. Sadly. For our relationship because the feedback that I'm getting lets me know that I care more. It basically confirms what I was thinking. And I don't really know how to express that in a nice way. And I don't want to argue or make things worse. But I don't really see a resolution other than we'll probably just grow apart. I don't know to what extent, but its very apparent to me that everyone looks at me like i'm a negative person in her life and thats fine. They can think what they want, but the fact that she looks at me like this negative,drama filled person is fucking insane and I don't really know how to cordially deal with that shit. I'm not that advanced yet.

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