Friday, January 22, 2010

Anybody got a Do's and Don't's of Relationship Guide???

Does one of those actually exist? If not, I need to start doing some research and start writing one. Cause ya girl could definitely use one ASAP. I used to think I would be ready for a relationship when the time came up. I always thought I would be a perfect girlfriend. And I strive to be that, but its like the smallest shit can make my boo mad. Even when I do the right thing. Like he not mad cause I fucked up, he mad cause he can't handle me talking to another nigga. And I literally mean just talking, conversating. And thats apparently just one of those do's and don't's that I clearly don't know about.

Pray for

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Back to Blogging

I am going through an emotionally intense time ( and its CRAZY because everything that the website says, I AM GOING THROUGH at this moment.

Like it says that pretty much this year, I need to focus on myself. I have to be my own priority. No matter what. And already, not but 19 days into the year, I was faced with my first REMINDER, that this year is suppose to be all about ME!

My "boo"has been refusing to answer his phone when I call him on the weekends. Especially Saturdays. He has been obviously and blatantly ignoring me. AND I HATE IT!!! And I've tried talking to him about it. FAIL. Ive tried showing him I was mad in an attempt that he would see how this affects me and he would stop. FAIL. So I warned him that my next approach, he would not like. I decided to stop caring. But I quickly realized that with him, it is easier said than done. Because of the fact that I actually do care, its hard to turn it off at this point.

And the more that I tried to not care this weeekend, the more I realized I did. And I started thinking about WHY I was really mad. Like is the issue really him not answering his phone, or is it something else? And after a VERY LONG WEEKEND to myself, I realized that the underlying issue is the fact that I do not have a life. I was depending on other people's company, and I realize that I can't do that. He has a life outside of me and I can't be selfish or demanding. I realize now that I can be demanding, but he can't fault me because I was used to spending all my weekend time with him, and now all of sudden, things are changing.

Like this all comes down to a bunch of stuff. Like everything stems from him answering his phone, and so I wanted to blame him for my loneliness. Which he can take partial blame for because he has a responsibility as my boo. But I can't fully blame everything on him. He has a life outside of me. And I realize that now. I have a life outside of him as well, but its just work. So after work, its whatever. But now that I realize that, we can probably get over this snag in our progression. Cause hopefully thats the only reason he's been avoiding me, because he thinks Im mad at him, and hes not gonna answer until he is ready to hear what he thinks I have to say. Cause I can see the tension building, like we recently almost argued over what flavor ice cream to buy, and thats not good...

Imma shock the shit out of him with this revelation, cause just his luck, its works out for him. THIS TIME.

Boo-1, Megan-0.

For Now...

And this is what my year will entail of...Wanting to blame other people for my problems, and then realizing that it is something within myself that I must change. WISH ME LUCK!! Me and emotions dont mix very well together. I can't deal with them, and the only way I know how to not let stuff bother me, is to not care. And now that I think about it, my boo is the exact same way...NOT TOO GOOD. Something is going to have to give, we can't walk around not caring about everything when we obviously care. WISH ME LUCK (again) cause relationships are new to me also. Im scared Imma fail, but thats another blog entry...

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Old Poem, Same Feelings

Titled: Venus in Virgo

Ive seen it too many times, so I know it all too well.
The moment you think everything is going good; that's when it all turns to hell.
I want to let love run its course because only time can tell,
but the moment I try to free myself, expectations send me back to jail.
I want to love with everything I've got, so you know no one could ever take your spot.
But it seems as if no matter what I do, something makes me think twice about loving you.

I titled this poem Venus in Virgo because that is the placement of my love sign. Which is actually the worst placement for love because it makes you very calculating and reserved about love. And anybody who knows love KNOWS that you can't predict or even begin to try. Its one of those works best if you go with the flow type things, but Venus in Virgo does not just go with the flow, unless the flow is going the way it wants. Most Venus in Virgo's are picky, and will not settle. So once they find what they want, they will usually stick with it, being some of the most forgiving and willing to put forth an effort to make it work. However, once they realize it will not work for them, then they are OUT. No questions, no answers, no nothing. Because deciding to leave is never something that is spur of the moment, it was pondered upon for months, maybe even years, weighing the good and bad CONSTANTLY, and once the bad outweighs the good, and the effort isn't worth it anymore, its over. So it may seem like Venus in Virgo will leave at the drop of a dime, but it is never really like that at all.

And thats kind of what I am going through now. Everything is either Good or Bad for me. No middle ground at all. Its either Love or Hate. And couple that with my feelings, and the bad stuff can seem like the worst thing in the world to me. But on the plus side, when everything is good, everything is GREAT! I need to learn to find this middle ground. I see that it is the only way we are going to work for the long haul. ...Almost 2 years and counting...I hope he know what he got himself into...


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