Tuesday, January 20, 2015

I'm off to a great 2015

Just a couple quick updates on my life. I've been doing more soul searching lately because I really feel like I'm at a point where I want to change things about myself for the better. I've been working out lately trying to get into shape so that I can really be in that two piece this summer. I been talking about that shit for years and have yet to make the necessary changes to do so until now. Since the beginning of the year, I've lost about 7-8 pounds by changing my eating habits and exercising. I'm very proud of myself and the progress I've been making and I cannot wait to see more results.

I've been being more selfish this year and looking out for myself and not overextending me for others. This year is all about me and I'm sorry to anyone who cannot understand that but me and the Lord know its WAY PAST DUE. But I guess its right on time in the same sense. I gotta do it for myself and I just hope and pray that the people who claim to love me will understand that I am trying to for once look out for myself entirely. I usually put myself on the back burner for others, but this year I have to work on me. Ever since my grandfather died, I really feel free to kind of start living my life again. I wanted to be there for him throughout everything and now I can see why I ended up back in Warrenton and I wouldn't change anything for the world. I got to be with my grandfather in his last days, and it felt good knowing that he could recognize and see how much I loved him and had his back. If no one else in the world understood me, it was him. And it was refreshing to finally hear somebody recognize me for the shit that I know I do in silence. My grandfather was my world for a long time and now I have the opportunity to go carve out my own life and its good to know he in heaven looking over me. Him, grandma and Chaise cause lord knows I need all the help I can get. And its funny cause they are probably some of the few people in this world who I know got me. And I miss them so much and I want to keep the party going for them and make a lot of money doing it.

Relationship wise, I'm still single. No real surprise since I do still reside in NC. I did meet this one guy recently that I really like. He's a lot younger than me but I fuck with him. I'm not exactly sure how he feels about me or what he thinks about me and idk if I'll ever even find out. He's cool though. Its weird because he is like everything I want in a man. He fine as motherfucker. I could just stare at him some days cause he so pleasing to look at lol. And his smile so sexy I just feel like sexing him all the damn time. He's funny as shit and playful and love that because I want a fun relationship. Not one where everything so serious or calculated or planned out. He dresses so nice, I fucking love it. Like literally everything I can imagine me wanting in a man is him. But again, he's young so who knows where his mind is at and that's understandable to me. If I can't have him God, can i just put in the word that as far as i know him to be, he's my type and I want one like him lol.

But forreal, being single hasn't been horrible. I'd rather be single than be in a meaningless, stressful relationship that does nothing for me. I haven't had any sex in 2015 either. Idk if this is a good thing or bad thing but I'm going with it for as long as I can stand it. I think about dick all the time, but I really only want sex when its late night and I'm in my room fingering myself and I feel stupid about it cause its so many dicks out here that I could be sitting on but I chose to be celibate for no real reason. I'm over me haha

All in all, 2015 is showing me how serious I am about some of my goals this year. But I guess so since I've had them for about 3-4 years now, if not more. I've always wanted to be able to wear and feel comfortable in a two piece swimsuit. I want to start going after more of my goals and dreams in life. I want to complete some of these processes. I want to share my passions with the world. I want to express myself. I want to be great. Ion want no mediocre. lol.

I wanna be ExtraORDINARY. Cause I'm really no different from anyone else, but I do want to go the extra mile and do what it takes to be able to live this life that I imagine. Traveling the world. Eating great food. Meeting even better people. Making connections. Living Life. Enjoying Life. No stress zone. Financial freedom.

And love that is reciprocated without me having to talk shit first. lol. Sad but true. I'm bout to go on a soapbox here but its like sometimes people only do stuff because they feel like if they don't, its going to have a negative effect. And for me, I don't make big deals out of shit so people just always feel like I don't really care. But to me, if you really fuck with me, I shouldn't have to. It should be understood that for my birthday, we should all come together and have a good time in celebration of me. Thats what I do for everybody else and their birthdays. Or at least try my best to. And I just never feel like I get it back in return. I will never forget my mama telling me she aint cook me nothing for my birthday because she had ate so much the day before. Thats the type of responses I get to shit. lol. But she went all out of her way to make sure she did something for my brother. Or even my cousin, who she told me she spent $100 on her baby shower at work. But I try not to let that shit bother me, but it does. And thats why this year, 2015, I chose to be a little more selfish in concern for myself.

My birthday last year wasn't bad but again, it wasn't necessarily what I would like to happen. I want a birthday where I can just show up and have a good time. Not one where I have to plan everything, invite everybody and then people halfway show up. Last year I cooked and did everything for my bday. My Aunt Lisa did come help me decorate and I appreciate that from her. But my own friends was late for my bday dinner. They came when it was over and I felt some type of way but it is what it is. I just plan things to be different this year. Hopefully people can take the time and money out of their lives to fuck with me for my birthday. That's all i really want from the people in my life this year. Just show me you fuck with me. Okay I'm done being semi-sad. lol

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