Frustrated

I can literally feel myself getting to the point of going the fuck off. I've been taking care of a lot of shit in my life and I am greatly satisfied with how things are coming together. Nothing is set in stone right now, but I have options. I do not feel stuck anymore at all. If anything I am so ready to break free of the bullshit and move on that hopefully my anxiousness doesn't make me jump the gun on anything. I'm still trying to be patient and just see what option will be best for me, in the short and long run.

But the one thing that I am still dealing with is Him. I just don't even know where to begin. I get mad whenever I talk to him. I don't even really know why. Well I take that back, I know exactly why I get mad, I just don't know why I bother getting mad. That sounds better. I am really getting to the point where Imma just be over it all if something doesn't change soon. Something that lets me know we are moving towards being with each other. But he just not in the mind frame for that. His mind frame is too wrapped into his reality that he has to deal with and he is losing sight of what he really wants. Everything is all about keeping what he has going on together.

He trying but fuck that. And what really pisses me off is he acts like he taking this big fucking risk like I have never done anything for him. Everything that happened with him was my worst fear. Shit like what happened is one of the major reasons why I never really wanted to fall in love with somebody. But thats not shit to him though because I didn't lose any money. I just lost my ability to fall in love and really trust somebody ever again. Well i'm exaggerating, but shit he don't know that. That shit really could have fucked me up. And if it wasn't for me talking to his ex and seeing how fucked up she was, I would be down a totally different path right now. Luckily I'm used to not allowing shit to fuck me up for too long, and I can deal with shit and eventually regain my own happiness.

I JUST got back to the point where I feel like my old self again. I won't say that he necessarily started the downward spiral but he damn sure catapulted me to what I think was one of my lowest moments ever. I didn't know if I was gonna ever recover from that shit. How do you accept KNOWING that someone would rather be with you but because he had a child, he feels like he should be with his babymama for his child's sake? I see the logic in that but to me everything does not have to make sense in the mind. And it should be a balance between your heart and mind. Because just following one or the other could lead you to some fucked up places.

And all I really want him to do is recognize all the shit that I have done FOR HIM. Because I can tell in his mind, he doesn't see where I have done anything for him. Because its not in terms of money or anything that you can physically see. But just how I handled and carried myself in the situation made a lot of difference in how things are playing out today. The things that I could have done and said and been RIGHTFULLY SO would have fucked up a lot of shit for him and his relationship with his son. I recognized that and avoided it despite being disrespected and played as this homewrecker who was trying to fuck up a family. I HAD SO MUCH SHIT THAT I COULD HAVE SAID and it was all truth so there was no way that he would be able to deny it and she would believe me over him anyway. I didn't have to make up lies to make her feel bad like she tried to do with me. I could have crushed her spirit with the truth, but I chose not to because it was not my place to say anything. I cleared my name in the situation because I am not a homewrecker, but as far as telling truths that didn't affect me, I kept all that to myself. He asked me to chill out when things were really crazy and I did. I don't get any credit  for that though.

I know he think my mom likes him and there's no doubt in my mind that she doesn't. However, the only reason she still likes him after everything was because of me. She definitely wanted to hate him because she knew how much I liked him and she liked the fact that he made me so happy. So of course, she was ready to say fuck him once i told her what happened, but I made him look like a fucking saint to her compared to how he really made me feel. The only reason any of my friends or family haven't been talking cold shit about his ass is because of me. I didn't allow them to do it. I shut it down as soon as they tried to start. They didn't know him like I did and I didn't want them forming opinions about him based off stuff I said and how I was feeling at the moment. Once again, I looked out for him despite how stupid I had to sound for taking up for somebody that just fucking ripped my heart out and stomped on the motherfucker. But I don't get any credit for that either.

I don't get any credit for trying to be understanding about what he was going through and the decisions he had to make concerning everything. I even placed a lot of the blame on myself for a while, and I could have handled things differently but in that moment, i thought what i was doing was the right thing to do. And in a sense I was. I was threatening to stop fucking with him all the time because I was hoping he wouldn't let it happen. I was hoping that he would see that I wasn't playing and he would fix the situation. But he didn't. All he saw was me saying I would leave him, and that probably was not the best thing to be showing him at that time. I recognize that now, but even still, he should have seen it as more than that. He should have known that I didn't want to stop talking to him, but I had to. He was making me feel stupid. I don't give a fuck what somebody else think, but  I can't sit around and be involved in dumb shit regardless of how much I care. I always care about me more.

All I'm stuck with nowadays is trying to prove and explain myself because of all the assumptions he wants to make about me and the things that I do towards him when he should KNOW that I have looked out for him from day one. When I would go grocery shopping, I went shopping for both of us. It was no coincidence that I always had shit he liked. For holidays, I made sure I bought him something. I noticed how he had all these cute boxers with sayings and shit, so whenever I would go in stores, I would always go look and see if they had any good ones. Or how I always made it my business to make sure I fucked him very well. Lets not even talk about all the shit that he NEVER got to see for Valentines day and the breakfast I made with heart pancakes and all that shit that I had to just throw away. Or the time I went to go see him and I had $20 to my name for the week until I got paid, and I spent $15 of that on a cab to his house. Or how I got Jennifer to take me around to places where I knew he would be and I made these cute Have you seen my snuggie signs just because I wanted him to know I still cared about him, but I still wanted to respect that we decided to stop talking.

And to top that all off, I have NEVER asked him for anything. Well I do remember asking him for some money one time but that was only because I really needed it, but of course, he couldn't give it to me. But that was it. I know for a fact that it is not one thing on this earth that I have come out of my mouth and asked him for. Even with everything not once have I ever told him to leave her or be disrespectful or play her in anyway. I'm sure its easy to tell that I want him to leave her but I never ever asked him to carry her for me. Thats the type of shit she wanted him to do towards me. And another thing thats fucked up is he actually would do it. Like just tell me whatever to make her happy. Just fuck my feelings huh? I don't know why I even get mad anymore. She been working on getting him to carry me for a while. I should be used to it by now. It's so bad now that he carry me all the time and don't even realize it. In whose mind does it make sense for you to call me and ask me about having a threesome with you and a bitch that YOU KNOW I feel some type of way about. And then wonder why I got mad about it. But what really  pissed me off is that he told me HE KNEW I would get mad about it but he asked me anyway because she kept bothering him to do it. I hope the bitch don't ever ask him to kill me or some shit like that. I don't know how far he willing to take it, but if we going off his track record, I'm as good as dead. But I kinda went off an a tangent there.

Back to what I was saying...I've always been cool about shit. I didn't start tripping about shit until he started acting stupid. I kept my mouth shut about ALOT of stuff because I would always tell myself he can do whatever he want because he not your boyfriend. I always from day one whenever he called me I would stop whatever I was doing and find a way to get to him. If I didn't give a fuck, I could have easily been like I'm busy. Or I'm not driving right now. I made myself available. When he was coming to my house every weekend without me even asking, I missed a bunch bday parties, thanksgiving and christmas' with my family FOR HIM. Anybody who knows me knows that I am family first so for me to miss thanksgiving and christmas for a nigga, thats serious.

And I think thats what hurts me the most now. Throughout everything I never once was on some I dont give a fuck shit. If anything, I cared way too fucking much. I still think I care too much even though I've let a lot of shit go when it comes to the situation, but its still shit that pisses me off because even though I know his intentions are not bad, everything he does towards me comes across like I don't give a fuck about Megan until my dick get hard. We used to talk all the time about everything. He probably knows more about me than a lot of my friends do. I treated him like family. And by family, I mean I inconvenienced myself a lot for his sake. I thought about him before I thought about myself. I let my family do that because I really care and I like to think that if I ever need them, they got me. I guess with my family track record, I really shouldn't be surprised. They definitely didn't help me when I needed it. So the shit hurts my feelings that he only calls me when he can fuck. That's the only time he will make an effort to see me. Not just to see how I'm doing. Or to just chill. But to fuck. Thats the main goal. And then he wanna know why I tell him shit like well if you just wanna fuck somebody, find you a bitch close that you can fuck. You don't need me. If its just pussy you want, then you live with a pussy you can have anytime. Fuck her. I'm sure its bitches around where you live that would give you some ass. Fuck them.

And it confuses the fuck out of me when he says shit like I can't stop talking to you. Wait what? Ummm we don't talk. So I can't tell. It seems like you have no problem not talking to me. He doesn't ever just call me to talk. If I get a message from him I already know he must have a window of opportunity to come fuck me. So maybe he can't stop wanting to fuck me. That would make more sense to me. Because that matches up with his actions and the things that I can tell from observation. He says he don't just be talking good shit, but he never acts on it, so either way, its just words until he starts acting on them. It just hurts because I actually really fucking care despite all the bullshit and at the end of the day I really appreciate all the time we spent, and him bringing me pads, and cooking me thanksgiving dinner, and calling me everyday to talk and making an effort to come see me on the weekends so im not in the house alone. I was feeling real fucked up about how my family was treating me and he really helped me deal with all that. And im sure he doesn't even know it. He was the only person that I could depend on and that I fucked with up here. It was just the fact that he was there. And I miss having somebody looking out for me and my best interests. Somebody I can trust and be myself with. And I am not sure if he will ever realize how much I mean everything I say to him. Cause if I didn't really love him and give a fuck, I would have been done WAY before a child ever came into the picture. Hopefully something will get through to him one day. *sigh*

Two Posts in One Day. I predict snow tomorrow.

Lol.

I crack myself up. Today started off very slow, but it seems like it may end kinda promising. I'm going to go cook some more tonight. Thinking about starting a cupcake business. I have so many great ideas. I need some investors.

Ta-Ta For Now!

Progression

Thats always a good thing. I have decided that LOVE is going to be the motivation. I have a very huge list of things that I would LOVE to do or experience in life. I am in the process of trying to sort things out so that I can start accomplishing this long list of things I want to do and experience. From all different types of standpoints; career, love, traveling, family and so forth. I am not concerned with trying to be this larger than life person who makes this great big difference in the world. I'm more concerned with doing something that I love, and I guess if thats what happens as a result of it, then I'll take that.

I just want to be me, and have fun and experience life. I want to enjoy life first, and do and be with those things that will allow me to do that.  That is the main goal. Good times and stories to tell the grandkids is very important to me. I want to live the life that I have imagined. I want to be the person that God intended me to be. I am working hard on that.

Doing the "right" thing is very hard when everyone around you is doing the "wrong" thing and getting the results that you would damn near die to have. And what makes it even harder to bare is knowing that people work so hard to get what they say they want, and then won't even enjoy it. Or people who know there is something better for them, but won't do what they need to do to get it. Its very frustrating and defeating.

I try to not be so concerned with what everyone else is out here doing. I can only control myself. And everything just is what it is. I keep telling myself I need to just do me, but its hard when I'd rather do him. Thats kind of on a whole different subject, but that is a lot of my problem now. Him. Boy if I had one of those MIB flashy things I would have definitely used it by now. I am trying to remain open minded, but its hard when I know EXACTLY what I want, but I can't have it because its not my decision to make. And I don't necessarily want to influence the decision by doing anything, I want minds to be made up on their own. To me that is the better outcome because that way no one can say that I had anything to do with it.

And while I'm just rambling, I just want things to come to an end now. I feel it all coming to some type of conclusion soon, and I like to hope that I have proven myself enough, but you never know what someone else is thinking. I've given it to God and as of lately, I see a little promise for the future, but again, nothing definitive that I can say with absolute certainty, so therefore, I try to pay it no mind. I like to base my decisions on truth and fact, not what people think or opinions or even what they say or do. I would need a clear cut sign that this is the desired outcome before I can proceed with Him any further. I'm not asking to be married tomorrow, I just want some type of commitment. Something letting me know that he is serious this time, and not just saying shit cause it sound nice. Cause I can tell thats the type of shit he on, and thats not where I feel he need to be if he gone ever do what he know he need to do.

But I digress, "Whoever said progress was a slow process wasn't talking about me..." I pay attention to shit and I feel like the universe is gonna make sure I find out everything I need to know for me.

Love is the Motivation. Progression is the Desired Result. Enjoying Life is the Main Goal.

Threesome...yes AGAIN! smh.

I must have the look and personality of somebody who is willing to have a threesome. I have been propositioned once again, and it is the weirdest situation in the world to me. I don't even want to explain it because it is sooooooo crazy and personal. But hypothetically, lets say someone you used to fuck with called and asked you to have a threesome with them and their current sex partner.

Maybe that shit is a natural occurrence somewhere, but it will never get old to me. I am not a prude so its not really the idea of a threesome that I object to. But I have jealous tendencies and there is no way I could have a threesome with someone I used to fuck with, especially if i really cared about them.

I really think the show 'The Game' and that Melanie and Derwin threesome episode is fucking people up. Well some people I personally know. I already know the only way I could have a threesome is if it was some random bitch, but who wants to just fuck some random bitch. That shit is nasty when you think about it. But I couldn't fuck with someone that I knew cause that would be even weirder. I'd be somewhere swabbing vaginas running tests first cause you never know these days. "The prettiest people, do the ugliest things" (c) Kanye West.

Stream of Consciousness

We used to do this all the time in my Honors English classes in HS. 15 minutes and you write down everything that comes to your mind...

AND GO...

i dont even know where to begin. this is some bullshit. what this is I really don't know,but I do know it includes alot of bullshit. i hate everybody, i really do. and i dont mean to, i dont want to, but i fucking do. and i can't help it. alot of shit in my life needs to change. people wont respect me on their own so i will make them. i know i can't force anybody to do anything but i will try. at least when it comes to making people respect me. I treat people how i would like to be treated but I always get the short end of the stick because its some very selfish non-giving a fuck motherfuckers out here who only care about themselves and can't even begin to look past them and do something nice for somebody else just because its the right thing to do. well not necessarily right but its the godlike thing to do. its just what the fuck you suppose to do. and what can i do about people who chose not to walk the same path as me. nothing i guess. but i know one thing i wont be doing anymore. and thats loving and caring for people too much. i am soooooo over that shit. way beyond it all because im tired of people caring about me and loving me when its convenient for them. im not like that so the shit is mind boggling to me how it can even be done. If i care about you, i care about you. If I love you, I love you. And regardless of what happens, i always will, if i really truly deep down honestly have a connection with you and love you like i love myself. I love everybody generally but of course there are certain people who mean more to me than others and so therefore I love them more. which is understandable.

but i am just tired of dealing with people who are only capable of thinking about themselves. Im always self-minded thats just how i am. but i can think about others too. and I think right now I am noticing and thinking about others and why they are so fucked up when i should be thinking about me and why im so fucked up. and why im in the situations that i am in. Because this is some bullshit and i am tired of complaining about it. i want to fix it. and i will. i just need time. in due time all is well. I will have peace once again. that is the day that i am waiting for. the day when i can breathe a sigh of relief and say i have everything that i want. im good. that will be the fucking day.

But until then, i might need to start a bail money account cause i be on the fucking edge with everybody. and they all so used to me being nice calm megan, and just letting them fuck me over and take advantage of me that everybody has forgotten that I have feelings that need to be considered to. And i dont necessarily want to go into this protective shell and say fuck everybody. but thats what its coming down to. Cause thats how I feel. Fuck everybody. if you not helping me, you hurting me. and thats that. i'll be back on my shit one day, and im giving everybody that ever doubted me or had some negative shit to say, or who just refused to fucking help me when they know they could, my ass to kiss. But not in a fuck the world type way, but in a way, yeah bitches, you thought i really needed you huh? yeah kiss my ass motherfuckers. lol.

okay im done...LMAO!

(sigh) Imma stop complaining one day

Today won't be that day though.

Everybody and their mama is getting on my nerves lately. And you know what that means. Time for change. Time to do me. Time to think about myself and not worry about others. They clearly not worried about me. Only when they being nosey. If you don't care everyday, then you don't get to pick and chose with me. Fuck it, I don't need your half ass caring anyway. I care about myself enough.

I've learned my lesson with caring too much about people who don't understand how to reciprocate. If you don't even consider my feelings in a situation, you don't give a fuck about me. And thats fine. I'll live. With or without you. But don't keep trying to act like you give a fuck when I know you don't. You looking out for yourself, and thats fine. But you gone end up with just yourself in the long run. And be surrounded by a bunch of people who love you situationally, and not unconditionally. But if thats what you want, fine. You can have all that shit.

My Newest Life Quote to Live By

“If I didn't define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people's fantasies for me and eaten alive.” -Audre Lord

BTW, Valentines Day semi-sucked

So I didnt get the dream V-day as I expected, but it was definitely better than last year. I got sad around 11:00 pm and wanted to cry myself to sleep, but I sucked it up. Fuck it. I'm tired of crying and all that sad ass girly shit. I have bigger and better things to be worried about right now. Having a significant other will have to be a goal that I put on hold for now. Until I am out of the situation that I am in because it wouldn't work right now anyway. I have too much shit going on. I need to FOCUS.

You wanna hear the Good or the Bad first?

I know I complain on here a whole lot but its my only real way to get out how I am feeling at the moment. And I guess that I am not satisfied with where my life is right now, and everything that is going on, so yeah, i come across like everything is shitty, but its really not.

Let me talk about the good things first...

I found out yesterday that I am HIV Negative. That was a big sigh of relief. Not that I thought I had HIV, but because I know I haven't been practicing safe sex as I should be. I know better, and after that I will make a very conscious effort to be as safe as possible. Its scary that you can't be 100%, but I will try my best to prevent what I can. TMI- Condoms aren't really my vagina's best friend. So I almost rather not have sex at all than to use condoms. They just cause complications with me that negatively affect enjoying sex. I was also told by the doctor that I have a healthy vagina and cervix. So as far as my sexual health goes, I am in good shape. As far as I know, I have to get some more results back, but I'm praying that all goes well too. And as far as I know, my overall health is in good shape as well. Thats always a plus. Health is very important.

I have a job that allows me to make money to support myself so that I can survive and purchase things that I need first, and some small things that I want.

I am provided with a place to sleep at night and somewhere to shower. It is not my own, but I appreciate the fact that I am not homeless and living on the street.

I have people such as my mother, family and friends, who I know love me for me. And I know they know me and my character as a person, and they really do appreciate me and love me for who I am.

And I have my relationship with God.

Okay, thats all the good things I can think about for now. Now bad...well not necessarily bad, but the things that I would definitely want to change in my near future...

I need to get my own apartment and car. I hate living in a place where I can't do what I want. I can't have company over. I can't just cook and eat whatever I want. I can't live comfortably like that. Without a car, I can't go where I want to go. I get tired of walking everywhere, and having to catch the metro, bus, or cab. I can't go home and see my mama and family when I want to. Its very frustrating to me. I am not the wait around for people type. I like working on my own time, and the situations that I am in right now, are not allowing me to do that. I understand that when I deal with other people I have to work with them, but if it is something I want to do, I don't feel like I have to. Imma get what I want, how I want it. And I will try my best not to step on any toes or leave anyone out, but I don't have time to be waiting around. Life is too short.

I am frustrated with the fact that everyone wants to depend on me for stuff. And I hate when people do that forreal. I am not always gonna be there, so whereas I understand you may need my help, I can't always be the one to save you. Shit, I can barely fucking save myself these days because of all the saving others that I am doing. And on one hand, I dont mind because I genuinely want people to do better for themselves. But I want them to do it, and be the one's responsible. Not me. Nobody owes me shit. I would help a stranger on the street, just as soon as I would help my own mother. And thats alot of the problem with why I can't help myself, because I care too much about others. I inconvenience myself alot so that other people can have the things they want. I'm tired of doing that. I'm tired of listening to everybody and their problems and they shit that is going on in their lives. They all call me and talk, but I don't really feel like I have someone that I could talk to, except God. I am so misunderstood. lol. And its mind boggling to me because I am very simple, but you would think i was the most complicated bitch alive.

I won't even get into the subject of Love. I could talk that shit all day, but it still won't change anything. It still won't make anything that I want to happen, happen. I really just have to leave that all up to God and wait for him to send me the right person. Because I am tired of dealing with the guys that approach me. Well I don't actually even deal with them at all, but I'm just tired of even paying attention or trying to just because somebody is a "nice" guy. Fuck niggas for right now, I have way more important shit to do for myself.

Because this era of my life that I am in right now has got to come to some type of conclusion soon. I can't take it much longer. It is really driving me crazy. And I'm trying to do things that make my situation better, but I can't forget that I am in this situation. I would rather suffer instead of pretending that everything is fine, cause this shit is not fine to me. This shit is not okay. This is not how I envisioned my life and I refuse to let it go on any longer. I have got to do something about it. I have to devise some type of plan to get me out of this situation and start working towards it. Because right now it is very hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel, shit I dont even see the tunnel right now. Thats how bad it is. I'm in a Catch 22 type situation. At least thats how I feel. I can't really help myself right now. I had planned on using my tax money but since Uncle Sam was like no money for you this year, I'm back at square one.

Its my defeatist attitude that I am trying so desperately to get over. I've always liked immediate results, and shit just not working out for me like that. I am going to have to work hard for everything I get. Well everything that I get that means something to me. I could have shit easy, but I don't want this easy shit. I don't want to feel obligated to anybody, or want anybody to feel obligated to me. I have to get my shit together. I know it. I been knowing it. But its hard especially when I have to keep up with all the things I have to do to maintain my life right now. I have to act like I give a fuck about a lot of shit that i just dont right now. I want to give a fuck about me, but everything around me is like care about me first. i gotta get on some tunnel vision shit forreal. I gotta get on that "I dont see nobody like a headshot" (c) Lil Wayne. Because that is the only way that I will be able to make some shit happen for me. I don't want to accept anybody else's vision of me. I want to establish my own. And that is the main goal for me at the moment. That will be my new boyfriend. Getting my shit together, so that I can get in a place where I feel comfortable, at the least. Because right now nothing is comfortable to me. No matter where I go, I can't really be myself and do what I want without regard to someone else. And its not coming from a place of selfishness but just from a place where I feel I need to look out for me right now. I'll be back to my regularly scheduled program of helping others, but i have to help myself first. Because I am just unstable right now and I know it. My mind is in the right place, I'm just not. I gotta get it together if I ever want anything to change. I have no choice at this point. its now or never.

I'll be living for everyone else forever, if I dont start living for myself. I have to keep reminding myself that.

The Ideal Valentines Day for Me

Okay, so I tried writing this in a perspective of me telling what my ideal would be, but I think it would be better and easier for me to write coming from a hindsight perspective. So this is what I would like to be saying on February 15th about my Valentines Day.

Friday, February 11th to Monday, February 14, 2011

I am still in shock about everything that has happened this weekend. Never in a million years did I imagine him to do anything like this. Okay, maybe in my wildest dreams, but never in my actual reality. I had faith in him, and God, of course, but this was even more than I ever expected from him. Shoutout to God, because I know I really owe it all to him. Miracles do happen. I believe now more than ever.

For a long time, shit just has not been as we would like it to be. If I had my way is an understatement. But after everything, it finally seems as if I will have my way, and Thank you god, I cant say it enough. Last year had to be the worst Valentines day in the history of Valentines day for me. When i finally thought I was gonna have a real valentine, God was like NOPE, not this year. lol. I can laugh now, but in that moment, everybody in that house could have came up missing forever. And I thank God for allowing me to remain as sane as I did, because everything in me wanted to go crazy, but all I could manage to do was cry.

But that is neither here nor there, because this Valentines day made up for every shitty Valentines day that I have ever had thus far. Every single tear, every single 'I hate Valentines day' and all that has been erased from my memory and has been replaced with the events of this past weekend. I will love Valentines day forever now. No longer will it be the day that reminds me of how single and alone I am, but it will remind me of how far we have come, and how much love we have accumulated for each other over these past few years despite everything, and how much love we are both ready and willing to give to each other for the rest of our lives together. I will finally be able to associate Valentines day with Love, as it should be, and not loneliness, as I always have.

Valentines day marks another chapter in my life journey. A chapter that I feel like I have been preparing for my entire life. I'm finally here. FINALLY. You don't know how good it feels to be able to say that. I'm in the right place, at the right time, and it feels soooooo good! In my wildest dreams it was all possible and for a long time, I felt that my dreams were all I would be able to have. I held on to him despite everything, even my own better judgment, because I do believe that love conquers all.

And even though some things happened that I would have never imagined, I can love it all for what it is, because it got us to this point, and I wouldn't have it any other way. It all was worth it for this one moment. The culmination of everything that I have been working hard and patiently towards for the past 3 years. Did I doubt it at times, yes. But deep down I knew he was the one for me, regardless of what people wanted to make me believe because of what happened. And he knows I am the one for him, regardless of what people want him to believe too.

You can't help who you fall in love with. I tried to resist it for so long, but I was in love the moment I laid eyes on that man. Seriously, my first thought when I really noticed him was "He gone be my future boyfriend" Which for me, pretty much says he gone be my future husband. I knew it from day one, but I fought it as long as I could. And now I dont have to fight it anymore. And I dont want to. I want to love him. Forever. And yesterday marks the beginning of forever. And I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.

I LOVE THAT MAN!!!! THANK GOD FOR EVERYTHING!!!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Side note:

The details of the days aren't really important to me. I won't really care what we do, as long as I get to do it all with him.

*fingers crossed*

A Glimpse Into My Mind Right Now

Where do I begin...

Life is crazy, and right now I feel like I am waiting for the opportunity that I been wanting all my life. To have a husband, family, kids, relationship, all that. I've peeked through a couple windows, but I can tell its not really what I am looking for. Everybody wants to control me. It is the craziest thing. Or I know I could control them. Nobody wants me, and who I am and want to be. Its very discouraging. Sometimes I do feel doomed to be alone forever. I try not to think of it that way, but i refuse to settle. I know I could make myself love just about anybody. I see the good in everybody. But I also have a hard time ignoring flaws and shit that I don't like. Which is why I have to be able to deal with a person's flaws if I am going to be with them. And so anybody who off the break trys to control me or tell me they love me, I'm instantly turned off. And I am convinced that is not a bad thing, but is it a good thing? Are my wants making it hard for me to find someone who will love me for me. I don't really want much. I can live with a lot of things. But I can't live with a man who does not respect me. And respect for me covers a lot of points, from cheating, being honest, communication and just allowing me to live my life as I chose. I dont like to have too many expectations of people. That is a set up for failure. I can only have expectations of myself. What I will and won't do. I can only draw my lines. And I expect my man to be able to draw his own too. I dont know. I guess I just know how serious Love and all that shit is. I feel like I am the only one sometimes. Its not about love anymore, shit is about survival. Love is about business relationships now. Not personal, at all. But for me, love is as personal as it gets. How can you have love, if its not personal? You not suppose to just love people when its convenient for you, you just suppose to love. And especially when it comes to relationships and marriage, how do you expect a business relationship to last when its all circumstantial? once the business is up, or once you dont feel the need to be apart of the business anymore, the love is gone. Thats why I feel that Love has to be personal when it comes to relationships and marriage. Love should be the one thing that motivates you. Love for yourself first, then for others. You can never go wrong that way. Love conquers all. I do believe that.

Well I do want to believe that. A lot of my life experiences have kind of made it hard for me to see that. But I guess as long as I keep loving myself, i cant go wrong. I will find the one for me. I kinda think I already have, and I hope he has come to the realization, but not everything works out in my favor. And like I said, I dont want expectations to have me all in my feelings if shit dont turn out how I want it to. I am trying to remain biased about everything but its hard when i know deep down what i really want. But because of circumstances beyond my control, I cant have it. And i think thats what frustrates me the most. I can understand everyone's mindset in the situation, but at the same time, we wasting time here. We wasting lives. Nobody is really enjoying whats going on. We all miserable, yet nobody is taking any steps to get where we want to be. In my case, the situation is out of my hands. I guess everyone feels like it is out of their hands. Everybody waiting on a miracle from God. And I dont know if thats good or bad either. Maybe we at that point where a miracle is the only thing can restore the natural order. But i feel like God wants us to solve the problem. or he is waiting for us to do it. But my hands are tied, his hands are tied, and its all on somebody else. I just pray that God allows her to do the right thing for everyone. not just for herself. but for everyone. And that love is allowed to conquer.

Im not usually selfish and I will give up shit so that other people can be happy at my own expense, but at the same time, I have to go for what I want. I have to look out for me, and if it means me being selfish about some things some time, then okay, i can live with that. I gotta look out for number one. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Its okay to be selfish sometimes.

I have faith that things are going to work out for me. I always get what I want. Maybe not right when I want it, but I always get it. God knows my heart. And thats all that matters.

Let me be patient. Let me be kind. Make me unselfish, without being blind.