Wednesday, March 13, 2013


I don't know if anyone else experiences as much anxiety as I do when it comes to making major decisions in my life that I know will have an impact on me. Its nothing for me to weigh the options of doing something that won't make any difference either way. Most decisions I make only prompt the questions when and where and if I don't have any prior engagements, I'm there. 

Now when it comes to making decisions that bring up questions such as If I get this job, what if I don't like it and then regret giving up a job that I did like?  Where I am going to live until I get enough money to get my own place? What if I can't get my own place because of my credit history? What if I move to Maryland only to be reminded even more of how me and my wannabe boo aren't together? What if I can't handle that? What if we do get together, how are we going to make it work? How are we going to move forward with our lives? How are we going to merge our lives in a way where neither one of us feels like we're sacrificing everything just for each other? What if we get together and things are what we expect them to be? What if things are great, how will we keep that up? I have a million and one scenarios goin through my head and they are all very possible and noteworthy to my decision making process. 

I'm scared that everything could go wrong and everything could go right at the same damn time. (Got damn Future lol.)  But guess only my expectations will set me up for failure. But at the same time, if I'm not looking for something specific to happen, what am I even going for? I don't necessarily need or want a different job right now. I want to live in a different place. But I could be happy living where I am if I had a family type home situation that I could look forward to at the end of the day. I guess I'm ready to settle down and that ain't really available for me where I'm currently located. I have honestly tried without trying to find someone around here but it hasn't worked out. I want to be a wife one day and these men just want someone to play wife until they are ready to be a husband. Ain't nobody got time for that. (Got damn Sweet Brown LOL) 

And its funny because all i hear from people lately is marriage and baby talk. Which I don't mind but it just makes me want to get away and try at that life again. I can't pretend that my biggest dreams are to have a lot of money and be successful. The one thing that I could be satisfied with doing in life is having a family which for me means being a wife and mom. Taking care of a home. I want that support system in my life. 

Lord please help me make a decision. Guide me. Amen. 

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