Thursday, April 9, 2015


I came here to kind of get some things off my chest about my life. Then I re-read some of my previous posts and realize that I keep falling intot the same trap with people and I always end up on the disappointed side.

My mom had her appendix removed recently and she's been being an evil bitch. Mainly because she thinks nobody is sympathetic to what she is going through so she feels like she is dealing with it alone. But shit, thats how I feel about life 99% of the time. I think she being dramatic and depressing because the people that she have to help her, she won't use them. She'd rather just complain about the people who not doing shit. And be miserable and take it out on everybody else. I aint got time for that shit.

I'm so sick of people, idk what to do with myself sometimes. I want beat motherfuckers up. I wanna slap people upside the head. I want them to get where I'm coming from FOR ONCE. Like with my mom, I'm not uncaring to what she is going through right now. But in the grand scheme, she's doing fine. She need to start getting up and stop being the lazy, evil bitch she is and start working on recovering. She probably mad right now cause she don't have her pain pills anymore, but she knew they weren't giving her another dose so she need to just get the fuck over it.

I'm just sick of having to deal with other people being "the way they are." But when I do anything that isn't considered nice, I get called so many names. And I think part of it is I feel bad about being not nice on my own so when people put their two cents in, it kinda pisses me off. Im a nice person 90% of the time. I think I'm allowed to have a couple bad days. And even when I am having a moment, I stay to myself because I know how I can sulk and just be in a bad mood. And when I'm over it, I'll resurface.

I feel like this is a test from God in some way. But I don't know how to talk to people who use feelings and emotions to their advantage. My mom and Marcel act the exact same. They both try to make me feel like I'm wrong all the time and it weighs on me because I love them and I'm the type of person that will apologize whether I felt like I was wrong or not. Just because I care more about my relationships with people than being right. But I'm tired of being the one who is apologetic. I'm tired of always having to be the peacemaker.

At this point in my life, if you choose to treat me like anything, then fuck you. And you can be my mama, ex boo, whomever. I just don't give a fuck anymore. And its not even really an option to talk to these people because they can't get outta their own feelings for one second to see that they are being complete assholes to people who genuinely care about them and want to see them doing good.

I love my mother to death but she petty, she got jealous tendencies, she dramatic, she will definitely lie when she feel like its necessary. She take everything personal. She treat  me like I've never done anything for her when I'm the only person who she can truly rely on to help her whenever.

I'm just not the type of person who know how to come back from people treating me poorly when I treat them very well. I can't help that people get mad when I treat them how they treat me. My mom has never made me a priority in her life. She was there for me when I had my surgery that time, but because I would have been there by myself if she wasn't. And still, she always think about that time as a moment that people should have been there for her and what she had to go through in dealing with me. When in actuality, I was fine. I was recovering but I was fine.

My attitude is just so different from my mom's and its hard for me to deal with her because she is very negative in her attitude right now and I just can't deal with it. It really makes me angry. She acting like a spoiled rich kid whose parents decide to send them to a third world country for the summer just to show them how good they really got it.

And everybody keep making excuses for her behavior. Oh it takes her a long time to recover. What that gotta do wit her being a bitch to people that are trying to make her feel better? If she wanna be a miserable evil bitch and cry and complain about an appendix surgery that went well and now she has to spend weeks recovering from, then thats on her. If she don't want to look on the bright side of things, then what the fuck can I do? She want somebody to sympathize with her but she being real depressing for no real reason. That makes it hard for me to sympathize cause its like you want to be sad. You want to be depressed. You want to sit around and think about people not doing this and not doing that. You want all the negative emotions you are feeling because if you wanted to be happy, thats what you would be trying to do. You would be trying to be nice to people. AT LEAST. You would be trying to get up and move around and do things. You would go sit outside during the day because it has been nice.

And again, its nothing I can do for someone who wants to be miserable. You can have all that shit. I currently got a lot of shit going in my life that makes me miserable enough, I don't need help. I don't want help.

Life is going to start looking up. I'm going to be re-reading these posts soon enough and think back on life like damn bitch you was really unhappy, I'm glad  you bossed up and made your life better for yourself. I'm glad you realized you can't save everybody and you're not responsible for people who want to be miserable just because that's what they are used to. I'm glad you're living your life and not letting people make you feel bad about it. I want to read posts on here that describe me having fun in life and not dealing with the fuck shit of others.

One day Lord. One day.

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