Monday, February 22, 2016

And So It Begins...AGAIN

That's a phrase that I always use when I embark on a new adventure or experience. This time its a little different because I've done this before. Back in 2009, I left my current job, packed all my clothes up and moved to Maryland with some relatives. I spent 6 months being broke and poor, living off a refund I got for taking college classes. That I didn't even finish because I really just needed the money. I woke up every morning about 8:00 and applied for jobs online until about 12:00 pm. EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I got interviews. I got job offers. I didn't take anything of them because they weren't within the realm of what I could realistically do. Most of the jobs I needed a car of my own and I had left my car with my mom in NC. I had to rely on public transportation to get to and from work if I accepted the job. I eventually ended up moving back to NC to work my old job for the summer when I got a phone call while at work one day with a job offer that could work for me. I interviewed for an assistant position at University of MD and the lady I interviewed with liked me so much she decided to take a chance on me. There were people more qualified for the job, but somehow I impressed her and she wanted me to work for her. She called me and offered me the job and I took it.

I had a going away party and moved back to Maryland the next day to start my job. It was a good experience. I loved my job. It was unfortunate I was brought into a work environment that was shitty and had to deal with a lot of petty co-workers because of it. It was slightly racial seeing as me and my supervisor were the only black people in the office and we were always targeted for something. Shit we didn't even do. Everybody was mad we actually came to work and did our jobs. And it made them look bad because they came to work to socialize and make fake friends and shit. Until eventually, as a tactic to get back at my supervisor, they suddenly let me go because of "budget cuts." I respect them for that just because it allowed me to get unemployment.

I was so happy in that moment. I got a chance to relax for once. Sorta. My personal life was completely in shambles at the time too. The one person I thought had my back up and left me to raise his child and be with his baby mama. I was devastated. Took me YEARS to recover. And by years I mean, at least like 5 years to fully feel like myself again. But surviving that heartbreak let me know that I care about my life and myself more than anything out here. I was living with my aunt and uncle at the time. They were mad at me because I moved in with them under the agreement that I would tutor and help their son with his school work. Which I did. But I did it in a way where he didn't always need me. I taught him how to do the shit himself. How to be confident that he can write an essay on his own. And I know for a fact, it helped him tremendously but they couldn't see that. All they could see is I wasn't stuck up they son ass or theirs. For anything. After losing my job, I started staying with my friend. I only went back to my aunts house if I needed clothes. My aunt asked my cousin to write me a letter asking me to leave her house. I was gonna be petty and sit around and wait for her to say something to me but instead, I packed all my shit, and took the bus to back to NC.

Again, a decision I am proud of because it gave me the opportunity to spend the last 3 years of my grandfathers life with him. I helped my mom and aunt take care of him as he suffered with COPD and eventually come to find out Metastatic liver cancer. My grandfather was on hospice care for like a year and a half. Being on it so long that they wanted to take him off because he wasn't getting worse. When in actuality, he just wasn't showing it. I wouldn't trade that moment in time for anything else in the world and would make that same decision a million times over. Even just writing about this is making me tear up because it was something that I sacrificed myself for. I could have been out doing other things with my life but I wanted to be there for my grandfather. And him telling my mom one day that I do all the important work in the house let me know that he saw my dedication to him and his wellbeing, even though he was slowly dying right in front of my eyes. One of the hardest things I ever had to deal with. I cried many nights praying that my grandfather died in his sleep so he wouldn't have to suffer so bad. He suffered but he went out a lot more peacefully than he could have. I was always worried that I would walk in his room and see him trying to catch his breath and watch him basically have a heart attack and die in front of my face. I couldn't handle that and I prayed often for better for my grandfather and God came through for me. Of course. And I will forever be grateful for that. God got me for that one forreal. And the fact that my grandfathers death was one of the best times of my life as far as family being around and everyone just having a good time, just like my grandfather wished, it was magical. It was like it used to be as far as my family getting together and just enjoying life. My grandfather was really the life of the party. I loved him for than anything. We had a relationship of respect and love and understanding. I was the only person who could talk to my grandfather when he got into one of his fuck what you talking about moods. And i would have to get rough. He's pulled  a knife on me plenty times but it was all love. He knew he met his match with me. I'm just like my grandmother lol. Sweetest woman on Earth until you fuck with her, then you better take cover bitch cause its going down. And I'm not stopping until I do and say everything I want to.

But I said all that to say that, its about to go down! I made a decision recently that was huge for me. God willin everything goes magically wonderful and this will probably hands down be the turning point of my life that I will always look back on and be like I'm so glad you did that shit. I'm so glad you went against everything you've been told and made a choice that was best for you. And you never looked back. On and upward. I feel like sometimes we talk about dreams but we don't think its possible to live them. And I'm still not sure what will come from this decision but I wanna chase my dreams some more. I know for a fact I'll never catch em if I don't try so this is it. It is time. Shout out to Rob and my cousin Chaise for being life livers and making me realize that I need to start now before I get sucked into the world of giving up. I really feel like things are going to be great though. I don't know how things will play out at all, but I've always been good at winging it with a plan. So here we go once again...

And so it begins.

God please watch over me as I embark on this journey. Grandma, Dude and Chaise, I know yall got me. My three angels in heaven. Love yall for eternity. I think I'm ready. Somebody gotta do it for us all. I kinda always been the chosen one. The golden child. I been different. Time to live like it. Get my life forreal. Amen.


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