Coming up with Nothing

Tried to think of a heading for this post but I'm coming up with nothing. I just need to clear my mind and get my get my thoughts back in order. I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll start with one of my favorite subjects: LOVE.

Even though I never truly feel the love, I guess its there huh? Some people just seem so loved and idk if its because of the love they show to others or because they demand it. Idk. I always feel like I'm missing something. Like everybody got these secrets that I know nothing about. And the more I try to experience love, the more I get hurt. And idk if its because I'm looking for love in all the wrong places, or what. I'm lost.

And what is so mind boggling to me is that I meet him guys who are emotionally unavailable. And I'm starting to think that maybe I'm the reason for that. Am I emotionally unavailable? I don't think I am. I want to love the fuck outta somebody one day. I really do. But shit always seem like an uphill battle and I know it shouldn't be this hard. I feel like every guy I deal with I have to reprogram them because they be having relationships and women and shit fucked up. All women are not "CRAZY." All women don't have to text, call and boo love all day for shit to be cool. I'm not a typical woman, I know that. I don't do typical thing, I do me. And I think its hard to find somebody who can appreciate a woman like me. I am independent, always have been. Depending on others has never really worked out in my favor, so I try not to do it. I got me. And I think that may intimidate guys who used to needy woman. I can definitely take care of myself. I'm very far from a damsel in distress but sometimes I feel like my life would be so much easier and fulfilling if I just played the role of one.

I'm chill naturally. And when I'm not chillin, I'm probably somewhere wilding out. Or what I call wilding out. Its really just being myself but I just chill alot cause my personality very nightlife and its not always called for. But sometimes I chill so much that I feel like I'm not being myself. And I want people to know both sides of me because I am very dichotomous. I'm either somewhere acting like a grandma or turning up like a 21 year old. No in between. I hide behind my cool demeanor. It's me but its more of a defense mechanism, I guess.

If you don't know the real me, then you can't judge me. You can't predict what I might do next. You can't try to box me in a certain category. You just gotta accept me for me and learn to love me for who I am. And the more comfortable I am with you, the more I will show you what I call "the real me." Not everybody gets to see that person. I'm very sensitive and easily hurt. I take everything personal and be ready to beat motherfuckers up all the time. I'm kinda loud and ratchet when I wanna be. I have no couth cause sometimes the shit I say out of my mouth, I dont see whats wrong with it. Especially if its the truth. I realize that a lot of that has a negative connotation but I'm also genuine, and I have a loving, caring spirit. And I don't really fear too much. Love was a fear of mine for a long time because of heartbreak. But after having my heart shattered into a million pieces and I had pick it all up and put it back together, I'm not scared anymore, I'm cautious. I'm careful. I keep a very close watch on my emotions and feelings. I always have but its with better intention this time.

If I fear anything, its not living out my life. I fear being stuck in some bullshit forever. I fear not being able to have the love of my life and family and a child or children of my own. I fear wasting so much time with the wrong person. I fear giving so much of myself away that there's nothing left for me at the end of the day. I fear not being appreciated. I fear not feeling loved. I fear that my life story will be nothing but "Megan was a good person. She was always there for me when I needed her. And she knew how to have fun." And thats it. And I dont mind those things, but I want more for myself out of my own life instead of it being defined by what I did for others. I feel like right now, the things I have done for others is my greatest accomplishment. And thats not a bad thing but its not necessarily all that good for me because I spend so much time helping others.

And it happens naturally. So naturally that sometimes I have to tell myself I can't be everything to everybody. And I will feel bad about it when I can't do something. I make people problems my own way too often and the sad part that really hurts me is they never truly appreciate. Like the shit I've done for people, I could never repay me enough for it. Cause it was genuine. It wasn't for no other reason than the fact that I decided to do it. People may have asked me but I did it because I chose to. And to me, to have a genuine person on your team that is willing to look out for your best interests is everything. It almost seem unreal to me because idk who does that for me, besides God. I dont even know if I really look out for my own best interests. Idk what my interests are anymore.

I'm so lost. I dont know how much more soul searching I can do. I feel like I been soul searching for the past 10 years. Since I been out of high school forreal. I dont like to compare myself to others but its hard not to. I don't feel like I'm doing bad in life, but I know I could be doing a lot better for myself. I've allowed myself to feel stuck and I do not know why. I think because I'm getting older and I feel like I should be living a more stable lifestyle. But I don't have kids. Like my life would be totally different if I had children. I know for a fact. Not necessarily as far as what I do, but as far as what I have for myself. Cause I aint got shit but my iPhone now.