I'm back with another post for 2026. Surprising. But I have some stuff on my mind and chest that I need to get off.
FIRST OF ALL, I just want to talk about this past Sunday. I was out fishing, as usual, and got a phone call from my mama. She was telling me a friend of mine was at the house looking for me. Long story short, the friend pulled up on me and told me she was now a millionaire from hitting the lottery. And she wanted me to help her make some investments in our hometown.
The crazy part about all this is all weekend, I sat around thinking about how I really don't have any real friends or family that I fuck with on a trust level. I have family and friends I can hang out with, I can chill with, have fun with but when it comes to doing business, making money moves, and having each others back, I'm out here by myself. I was crying and praying to God that there's no way my life supposed to be this hard. As much love as I have showed my family and friends over the years, I thought I would at least feel loved. I never thought love and respect would be such a THING in my life cause I know for a fact I don't be out here bothering or harming people. I intentionally avoid a lot of shit and suffer personally because I rather avoid confrontation or hard conversations.
And I learned the hard way why I avoided confrontation and hard conversations because when I do express how I feel, nobody cares. I'm crazy. I'm doing too much. I'm argumentative. I'm insensitive. I'm mean. I'm selfish. And it drives me crazy which is a huge reason why I avoid a lot of my family and friends.
I'm not sure how I became the person in people life that they thought they could treat any kind of way and I would love them no matter what.
Well after putting it like that, I know why. It was me. For a long time, my family was EVERYTHING to me. And I mean everything. I barely had friends in school outside of my family. I definitely rarely hung out without people that weren't family or friends of my family. I spent summers with my family who lived in DC and MD and not in my hometown. The older I got, the more I saw that my family really didn't fuck with me. The adults mostly because they all tried to blame me for their kids being how they are. I spent years having to tip toe issues with my family because they all wanted me to be the reason why my cousins was out here fucking up. So I had to stop fucking with everybody so they could see it wasn't me. I was actually tryna save them. I was actually giving them good advice and really looking out for them in ways that they own parents were not.
And even 2 of my uncles came to me in private, of course, and apologized to me for how they thought about, talked about and treated me over the years. I appreciated the apology but it didn't take away from me feeling like my own family was out to get me. But I was able to let it ride because I figured my cousins would always show me love and have my back no matter what. BOY WAS I WRONG!
Watching everybody turn on me was crazy. Cause I didn't say shit, I just took my cues to get the fuck away from people because again, I don't like confrontation. I'm the type of person that when people show me who they are, I believe them. Ain't nothing to talk about once you make certain decisions that show me I'm expendable, not respected, cared for or considered. I'm overly nice and respectful to my family because in my mind, they all I got. They the ones who really know me. The ones who I could ride or die for and the same for me. But NOPE, I WAS WRONG.
All people do is use me and then try to talk about me behind my back. I say try because somebody either cause they don't like how ppl be doing me or they being messy, gone make sure I find out. I want to feel protected, loved and respected by the people around me.
I said all that to say, my friend who showed back up in my life came by just to thank me for being there for her when everybody else around her gave up on her. When she needed a place to stay where she could feel comfortable and be herself, I was there. But even more than that, she was always there for me too. Always protected me. I'll never forget her asking me why I let certain people even talk to me. I'm so fucking happy for her and her personal journey of going out there and getting it for herself and her family. She gives me hope for myself to have a good life full of love, money, freedom, and family that believes in me.
Its so sad to me that I know for a fact if I had more support early on in life and a love life that didn't bring so much stress and trauma in my life, I would be much further. Cause I wouldn't have to focus so much on tryna pull myself out of these dark spaces that people put me in and that I allowed myself to stay in for far too long. But I was hurt. I can't deny it. I still can't believe it but I'm over it enough where I'm not crying and sad all the time BUT it still affects me because I'm afraid to love and let others love me. I don't trust myself or others anymore. Most days I just want to curl up into a ball and not necessarily die but I want to be left alone.
I had this vision the other day of me laying in the walkway space of my living room and kitchen. Just laying there with people stepping over me. And its basically exactly how I feel about my life right now. I'm stagnant. I'm literally doing nothing while everyone else is moving along as if I do not even exist. I appear to be dramatic by laying out on the floor like that but really I just want somebody to notice me. To see me. To want to help me. To at least maybe ask Am I okay? What's wrong? Maybe even somebody who wants to help me be happy and keep a smile on my face instead of it always being about me bringing the joy in people's lives.
Being smart and able-bodied only made people look at me like I did not need any help or if I did need help, they refused to help me because they again felt like I didn't need it because I would figure it out. I never think negatively because even though a lot of people around me have showed me their true colors when it comes to me, I still refuse to believe it. And I think its because I have to believe in goodness of others or I will really give up on humanity and myself. I don't see the point of living in a world where I have to watch my back everywhere I go with everyone I'm around because at any given time things can change and I can be put in a bad position without ever seeing it coming and sometimes, not being able to do anything about it but suffer through it. I've been suffering enough. I'm over suffering at the hands and ignorance of others. It truly makes me not want to give a fuck about anything.
If people get to choose to be horrible human beings, and if I don't choose to be horrible with them, then I'm the one getting walked over, done dirty, disenfranchised, disrespected and treated as if I don't matter. And I don't be wanting to be mean or even raise my voice at people but I literally have no other choice in this world because I refuse to be a doormat. I refuse to be a silenced woman. I refuse to live a life where people control my emotions and damn near wellbeing all because I want to be a lover. I take pride in being a lover and provider and fun person. And people hate me for it even though deep down, they appreciate me because its not too many people willing to go first when it comes to love and respect. Everybody waiting for their moment to shit on somebody else and its sad. I want better for myself and others but the only person I can control is me.
So that's what I'm on these days. Which brings me to my love life where men believe I don't care about them or love them enough when in actuality, they won't even take the time to get to know me or try to see me in a light outside of themselves. And I hate that for me. I literally have an entire existence that gets ignored when it comes to men. They only see me as what I could do and be to them. Its sad and sick. Because I'm starting to believe the only way Imma find love is through being fake and using someone for my own selfish needs. That's what love is these days. And maybe that's what love always been but it has to be more to it.
There has to be people in the world who bypass disrespect and dishonesty and choose love and being real with themselves and others. I want to believe this, I really do. And I thank my friend for being someone who showed me that good people do still exist in the world and we are still winning too. Not without a severe fucking fight it seems but that's where the blessings come. And I just hope God has me on the list to be blessed to live financially, proverbially stress free life full of joy and happiness. All that other stuff not my ministry and I want nothing to do with it anymore. I've had enough.
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