Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Over It

That moment when you no longer care. *sigh* I kinda don't like getting to this point because I know its all downhill from here. lol. 

People don't understand its a chore for me to care in the first place. It takes work. I don't have a natural affinity to giving a fuck about shit that does not concern me. I'd prefer to mind my own business. But people like when you care about them, so I try. I put forth the effort. I do the work. And sometimes it pays off. Most people appreciate me. Even if its just because I can provide laughs or feel good moments. I'll take that cause thats who I try to be to people. I try to be positive. I try to keep shit light-hearted. I try to have fun. I try to be real, to myself and to others. 

So of course, I would feel some type of way about people who pretend to care about me. I don't pretend. If I care, its forreal. It might not last forever, but I can put my shit to the side for someone else and be there for them. Not forever, but for as long as I can stand it. And if I feel like the person recognizes and appreciates the stuff I do, then I could probably stand it forever. Its the other side of that equation that causes me to stop fucking with people. And that's never a choice I want to make but people always seem to make it for me. 

Because at the end of the day, I know I don't treat people badly. I'm honest, and some people would rather me lie and bullshit, but I'm still honest. I cant hide how I feel. I can put the shit to the side, but it doesn't go away. I guess I'm just upset to find out how people really look at me. I truly try not to judge other people for what they do. I have my own standards that I live by, and I have my opinion on what people chose to do, but I never want to make them feel like I'm right and their wrong. Or my way of living is better than what they choose to do with their lives. I can respect everyone's individuality and I wish people would respect mine. 

People have always told me that they admired me for being myself. But thats funny to me because I'm not sure who else I would be if I wasn't being myself. Like that whole admiration is weird to me because I don't even know how I could be someone else. I couldn't imagine waking up every day and feeling like I had to act a certain way for whatever reason. Work related shit is about the only time when I have to do things that I probably wouldn't personally chose, but even then, I'm still me. I don't let people make me feel like I have to do anything, boss or not. I'm the boss of me. I move when God tell me to move. And thats it. Period. 

The more I think, the more I probably will be single forever because I like my comfort and freedom way to much to compromise it for anyone. He'd have to be a very special man in order for me to even consider it. And not too many niggas I know got the glow I'm looking for. I attract all these ego-driven motherfuckers and I get it cause my ego is very important to me as well. But not in the sense where I think I'm the shit, and everybody else is beneath me. I control my ego, not the other way around. I was raised to appreciate everybody. Every person on this earth has something to offer, whether they act like it or appear that way or whatever. I try to be humble because I see arrogant ass people who act like they can't even be associated with someone just because of what someone else might think. I've never been like that. I like who I like and thats good enough for me. In fact, I have a tendency to like "crazy" people better because at least they are real. At least I can get a honest response out of them. Sometimes too honest, but shit I can respect that more than people who lie to me about who they are, and who I am to them. 

I will never get used to people using me for their own selfish purposes. And not even providing me with the option to agree to it or not. People make me feel obligated. And when I make it known that I don't like that shit, im the problem. I probably need to just find my own place and just get away from everybody. Nobody ever thinks about me. Not proactively. Its always after the fact. If then. Like this morning, everybody knows my car is messed up. Did anybody think to see if I had a way to work? Nope. No surprise to me, but then when I said something about it, its like oh well they'll be back. I'm just supposed to be miss calm, cool and collected. That shit really annoys me. 

I'm just irritable today. Not in a good mood at all. And I should be seeing as how I got a lil money today. Thank God! I need to flip it somehow. I really need to start on my clothing inventory and see what my potential profit could be. I might just sell my clothes to the lady at the furniture store. Or maybe she'll let me come out there and sell them. Idk. My mom is adamant about doing something Saturday, which is fine by me. I need to talk to Candice about renting 43. I'll bring that shit back. I gotta do something to start making some extra money so I can start going on some trips. First treat is Miami. I gotta get there soon. 

And I'm about to start traveling alone. I'm just tired of going along with other people and what they want. Thats how I never really feel satisfied because I'm always tryna appease everybody else first, then myself. That shit about to change forreal. And I don't mean any harm by it, but I'm sick of catering to everyone else. I just be chillin most of the time. And most people would label that as lazy but guaranteed I'll run circles around anybody tryna label me lazy. I do have my moments where I'm perfectly fine doing nothing but that does not equate to lazy. Trust and believe I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Lazy is when you know you need to do something but you don't do it because its takes time, effort or energy to do it. And you'd rather just complain and come up with a million excuses as to why you don't need to do it right now, or at all. I know lazy people, and trust me, they wouldn't last a fucking second in my world. 

My computer froze and I forgot where I was going with this but yeah I'm over it. lol


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