Sigh

For some reason today I am feeling very depressed about where I see my life going. And I don't really know why because its not really bad but I just feel like I won't ever be satisfied. It's so many things I want to do with myself but its hard for me to figure out how to get there. Essentially I am so tired of working a job. I've been working a job since I was 14, so that makes 14 years that I have been getting up out of my bed and doing what other people want me to do. I'm so over it but I believe its so ingrained in my head that this is what I should be doing that I really don't know how to shake it. And because I have bills that have to be paid, I don't see it as something that I will ever realistically be able to let go off. Some days I really wish I could just hit the lottery so that all my financial worries can subside and I can just do what I want every single day. And most people would call that me being lazy and even God might be giving me the side eye but it is really how I feel deep down.

I hate school. I really do not want to go back because it is more of a hassle to me than something that will be beneficial. It would help me get a good paying job but the root of the problem is I'm tired of just being somebody else's worker. I think I'm so much more than that. I want to be my own worker. I want to feel like an asset to an organization and not just an entity that could be replaced at any moment. With my last job at University of Maryland, I could see that the work I was doing mattered. People appreciated me. Not everyone of course, but the ones who did really made me feel like I meant something. My current job rarely makes me feel good. I have to fight so hard sometimes just to not be labeled the bad guy that it really takes away from the accomplishments and achievements I do make.

I think I'm just tired of being the savior and having to put myself on the back burner for others. I want to work towards building the life I want. I want to be the person I want to be. I want to decide how my work day will go. I want all directives to come from me. I know being my own boss would allow me to do that and I believe I would be happy. And I know in my current job, being my own boss would NEVER happen. I'm just tired of doing support work. I'm tired of having to put on a smile and talk to people day in and day out. I'm tired of having to be at work doing nothing when I could be somewhere making moves for myself. And the real sad part of the situation is I have no better opportunities that would allow me to pay my car note, insurance, phone bill and debts off each month. I feel stuck and I hate feeling stuck. And I really feel like I am going to be stuck for a while now because what else can I do? I have a plethora of skills but I do not know how to monetize them. I don't know how to convince people that I am worth giving their money to. I don't know how to get over this hump that I am feeling inside.

I want so much more for my life and I feel the determination inside me to get there. I just don't know how to get there. I need to do some more soul searching because it is really eating at me that I am not feeling like I'm doing what I should be in life. Maybe its just me and I am right where God wants me to be and if I am, I will try to suck it up and enjoy it. But if its not, like I think it is, then God please help me do what I need to in order to get there.

Amen.