Thursday, September 4, 2014

Expressing Feelings

Am I the only person who ends up feeling bad about expressing their feelings to people? Maybe because it always turns into an argument or bad situation. Its like people expect you to go along with shit just because you are in some form of relationship with them. Be it friends, a lover, family, co-worker, whatever. But the moment you open your mouth to express something a person is doing to bother you, you're being argumentative or mean or ruthless or whatever other negative action people wanna put on you for being honest about how you feel.

I used to be that person who just let people do and say whatever towards me and I just sucked it up and let it go. It was never bad stuff being said to my face, but me hearing about things being said about me behind my back or people treating me funny style. And I can always pick up on shit like that because I notice behavior of people. You don't ever have to express to me that you have a problem with me because I can normally tell by how you act towards me. And I used to be the type of person who would just distance myself from people who acted like they had a problem with me, especially if they never express it. But I have grown up a lot in the past couple of years and I appreciate relationships where we can talk about things and express how we really feel about each other- good and bad.

But I'm come to realize that not a lot of people are like that at all. They either do not know how to express their feelings properly, or they shy away from discussing their feelings all together. One thing about me is I can definitely put into words how I feel about someone or a situation. But sometimes it does come across as ruthless and insensitive to someone else's feelings. And I usually do feel bad about it afterwards but I know how important it is to be 100% honest about how I feel. If I think something is stupid, Imma say its stupid. If I think you're being an asshole, Imma say that.And maybe I need to work on keeping my mouth closed, but if you are repeatedly doing stuff, then its hard for me to do that.

I'm starting to really realize that people do not like hearing an honest opinion about themselves. I'm very conscious of my actions and I keep it real with myself. I do sometimes have a tendency to go off about shit when I feel offended or provoked and feel bad about it afterwards but I will apologize. It doesn't excuse my behavior but it shows that I acknowledge it and I want the person to know. I don't go off often. Its usually when I'm tired of ignoring some shit that a person continually does towards me that I do not like. And I oftentimes express that I don't like it way before I ever go off about it.

I guess I just feel like people don't respect or take me seriously. Its annoying and irritating. Even my own mama do it to me and I have to get loud and aggressive with her. That is not who I want to be. I enjoy being happy and in a positive frame of mind and not walking around mad at the world because I'm in my feelings about some shit. And I really try not to take what has happened to me in the past out on people in my present world. I think that is so unfair to others and I've had that happen to me and I never want to treat somebody a certain way just because of how others treated me.

I had to change to protect myself in a way but I'm still me. I'm still nice and sweet and willing to do just about anything for somebody else. I just chose to look out for myself and make sure its not inconveniencing me or that people are just trying to take advantage of me. And I usually wait for people to show me what their intentions are with me before I ever assume anything about them. I go off of how I am treated and I adjust accordingly. And if its too much for me to deal with, I will just peace out.

This time I think I will be upfront and honest about how I really feel despite feeling like the person is not going to receive what I have to say very well. But I do want it to be known why I am choosing to distance myself from someone who I feel brings a lot more stress into my life than happiness and peace. Its just hard sometimes when you do like a person and you can have good moments but it never lasts long enough to even enjoy it. I don't want to be in that type of relationship.

I want a relationship that lifts me up and makes me feel good about myself. A relationship that allows me to be the person I want to be. A relationship that has freedom and we both understand and get why. A relationship where we can communicate honestly. A relationship where we can respect each others feelings and trust that the other is not trying to control or get the upper hand in the relationship. A relationship where we understand that discussing our issues with each other is not about winning an argument but about trying to understand where the other person is coming from. A relationship where me and the person mesh well with each other. I can have a good time with just about anybody but I want a relationship that goes beyond that. A relationship where we both are willing to do the work to make it work. A relationship where the other person actually takes the time to get to know me. A relationship where I don't have to always explain myself. A relationship where my partner knows that I gonna always look out for them but I'm not going to babysit them. A relationship where my man acts like the grown man he swear he is. A relationship where we just connect and actually get each other. A relationship that only God can cultivate. A relationship that allows me to be myself.

I want to be sweet and lovey dovey and affectionate and all over my man. I want to be happy and want to enjoy spending time with him. I know everything not gonna always be unicorns and glitter but for the most part it should be. If I have to spend my days being mad and arguing because I know you don't want to talk about shit, then thats probably not the relationship for me. I would honestly rather be alone. It's been just me all this time and I don't have a problem going back to it. I will miss the company but I will get over it.

I just don't know what to do these days but I do know I need to make a decision for myself. And its leaning more towards me being single than being in a relationship that is not doing anything for me but getting on my damn nerves.

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