Current Mood: I Don't Even Know

I am feeling some type of way right now. I hate that phrase but it fits because I can't exactly put my finger on how I am feeling. I want to cry, but I don't at the same time. I don't know how I want to feel. I woke up this morning, actually missing somebody. Like Officially. I been missing him, but its really hitting me now. And its so bad that I actually want to just go somewhere and cry about it. To at least get my feelings out.

I don't know how else to deal with this bullshit. I'm trying not to do my normal just saying fuck it and pretend like these feelings don't exist. But feeling them doesn't make me feel any better. And I know why I feel the way I do. It's all me. But I cant escape me, so how do I escape these feelings?Cause right now I wanna cry. And thats it. Lord knows I don't need to be angry anymore. I have officially decided to let that go.

Little Black Book

"If we are to share our lives together, why didn't we share our lives? I know you don't have to tell me everything, but why wouldn't you want too?"

I've always thought that was one of the realest movie quotes I have ever heard. It made perfect sense, especially in the setting of the movie, but in life and love, as well. Why don't we want people to know how we really feel? Why are feelings these big secrets that we aren't suppose to share with others? In my experience, feelings can be wonderful or they can be devastating. In the realm of love, its usually either Love or Hate. When everything is good, everything is great. But when things are going bad, everything seems to be doomed forever. We don't even recognize that we do not have these feelings because of other people, we have these feelings because of things within ourself. Because of the thoughts we think. And these thoughts create the feelings that we experience, and determine whether we will have good feelings about something or bad.

Which is why a lot of times in relationships, we are scared to express our feelings because we are not taught to be emotional. Women are given more leeway in the realm of emotions, but control has always been key. How many times have somebody said something to you and you think what gives this person the right to say that to me? But they have every right, because that is how they were feeling. Good or bad. But you also have every right to let them know how you feel as well. It goes both ways, but we have been conditioned that we should treat people nicely, no matter what. And that is where the issues begin. Nobody has any right to dump on someone because they are feeling some type of way. And you don't have to take it. You can speak up because there is nothing wrong with defending yourself.

That is the basic principle that they do not teach us, because they do not want us to know. If we let people know how we feel, then we start to feel better about ourselves. And when people feel better about themselves, they want to do better for themselves. It is no wonder there are so many institutions that were designed to keep people feeling like they have no choice. And Love is no different. We stay with people because we feel like we have no choice or either because we fear losing them. And we do this only because we are afraid to express how we really feel about a situation, in fear of the negative consequences, or because we do not want to expose our true self to others. But if you really love someone, why wouldn't you want them to know the real you? Why work so hard to pretend to be something that you are not, when you can effortlessly be yourself? You know what you want, you know what you like, you know what you can deal with, and what you can not. Why do we leave it up to other people to try and make us happy when we are the ones who know exactly what makes us happy? Happiness is not something you should have to work at or sacrifice for to achieve. Happiness should be something within yourself that you always have, no matter what goes on outside of you.

To survive in life, we have to do things that we would not chose to do on our own. Working a job that we hate to buy the things that we need is one major thing many people have to learn to deal with. Nobody ever fully accepts anything that they have to do, they only deal with it. They focus on the aspects that appeal to them, and try to avoid the ones that remind them of how much they would rather be doing something else. You never forget what you want to do. Your wants may change, but you will never be happy doing something you did not want to do. You can be satisfied and have moments of happiness, but you will not be happy in spirit. And everyone has their threshold of how long they can hold out on their happiness, but eventually your spirit will reach its breaking point. Which is why you hear about men who go through mid-life crisis, and up and leave their families with no explanation. Their spirit couldn't take being denied happiness anymore, and it forced them to make changes.

Life is all about learning from mistakes, not avoiding them or ignoring the message that the universe is trying to send you. Your first instinct is what you should always go with. You have doubts because you have fear. You can't go wrong when making decisions that come from a place of love for yourself first, and then for others. You really do have to know how to love yourself before you can really love and be able to share your life with someone else. You cannot be afraid, if you are going to love, you have to love with everything you got. You can't second guess anything, you have to know you are ready to be yourself, so you can allow the person you are with to be them self, and you can both be comfortable with sharing your selves with each other.

CHURCH.

smh. Boys. ugh.

He never ceases to disappoint me. He didnt answer the phone last night as expected. His silly mad ass. I have never in my life wanted to just fucking choke somebody to death. Until Him. I find myself daydreaming about murdering him all the time. I just wanna kill this niggas. He does the dumbest stuff ever.

How can you possibly be mad at me for JOKING AROUND, but yet, shit is real for you. And just because I don't say anything, it doesn't mean that shit doesnt bother me. Because it does, but I assume that my feelings dont matter. So I dont bring them up.

I know him too well. He doesn't want to admit to me that he cares because I know he assumes he shouldn't. And he really shouldn't. But just like with me, it is hard not to care about somebody when you've spent time with them like that. So he reacted to my comments, first with an attitude and madness. Then once he realized I knew he cared, he switched to acting like he didnt care about my comments. HE ALWAYS DOES THIS. It never fails. Showing any sign of emotion is weak to him. He only does it when he feels he has to.

I understand him so well that when he does stuff like this I don't even really get mad because I know where its coming from. So I feel bad for making him believe I was gonna fuck his co-workers. But I wont let him continue to blame shit on me like everything that went wrong in his life was my fault. Like I really think he blames me for it. At least some aspects of it. But I cant make any life decisions for him. Anything he decided to do, he decided to do. At first I thought maybe he was on his life path of accepting responsibility, but the more I talk to him, the more I realize that he is not. Everything is everybody else's fault and it just leaves him to deal with it. Thats what he believes. I know it.

I wanna save him. I do. I really do. And I think I will try. Because I know he feeling like he don't have anybody right now. And so I feel bad that I faked my not caring. Maybe thats why I still care. Maybe that is the reason. Maybe thats why I'm getting all these insights on him, and for the most part, they all have been true. But the hardest thing to do is going to be getting him to really talk to me. To just trust me because for some reason he doesn't. I dont know. Imma pray for him and this situation. I just want him to be happy. And I can tell he is miserable.

so confused.

The more I think I understand him, the more he proves me right. I knew he would feel some type of way about me saying I was going to make one of his co-workers my new boo. And he reacted pretty much as I expected, but I didn’t. I thought maybe I wouldn’t care. Maybe him acting like he cared wouldn’t bother me, and I would be able to just dismiss it like I do other guys. But he was different. Again. I felt bad. Especially after he started accusing me of being different, and saying I have changed. And I know exactly what he is talking about. I get this all the time. He is not used to this me. He has never seen this Me. He is used to the Me that likes him, not the me that does not care. And maybe that is mean of me to assume that he didn’t care, but how could I ever tell he did. Like I have a conscious and I do feel bad because I know he feels that I just want to talk shit, and get my sodas, and that I don’t really care. And that’s the furthest thing from the truth, but I also don’t know if I should let him know that. I don’t want to put myself back in a crazy situation that I know won’t end happily for me. Because I will never be able to have what I want. I can get it when I can, but never when I want. And that’s what I won’t like. I can’t go back. I said it. And I know I shouldn’t be talking to him,but I also know that I probably will. Shit, you live and you learn right? I don’t wanna make the same mistake twice , so I guess I better learn as much as I can from this situation. Like I find myself wanting to talk to him just to see how its gonna make me feel. Like testing everything just to see if I can handle it for myself, because I am going to have to be able to handle the situation. Because I can’t expect him to handle it for me. At all. I know that much now. But he can suck me in so easy, I know it. When it comes to him, I am weak. And the only way this will work is if I can keep my emotions uninvolved. But I am going to talk to him. And try my best to explain this all to him. Because he needs to know that its all an act that I feel I should be putting on for myself and for him. Because everything is what it is. I don’t see anything changing. And I guess that is what I have to keep reminding myself. I cant be living in hopes of stuff to happen., I just have to live. Do whats right for me. And see what happens. I mean, I care for him for a reason. Guess I will find that reason out later.

Told You...

I knew it. I said it plenty of times. This guy was gonna be the one to completely break my heart. To just rip it out my chest, stomp on it, and not even give a fuck. Well at least thats what it seems like.

And honestly, Im not that devastated. Because I knew it was coming, but I tried to ignore it. And thats my fault. I know the exact moment I should have got out, but I didnt, and thats my fault too. I could blame him for everything, but then I'd be walking around here mad at the world, and for what? For events that I cant change. I cant make somebody grow up, because thats the real issue here. He think he taking care of his responsibility but the way he is going about it will bite him in the ass in the long run. He's making decisions based on only himself, and he's not considering anyone else's feelings, but his own. And like I said, its only gonna hurt him in the long run. But whatever, I cant save him. I tried, but he wont listen. So whatever.

But what hurt me the most was the way everything went down. How everything ended, well not really ended, just stopped. Cause there was no ending. I still dont know what to think. Or what I should think. Because i want to believe that he is a dog, and everything was a lie for some ulterior motive or reason. But then again, I want to believe that he did really have feelings for me, but the situation was too much to handle. And I can understand that. But he didnt give me the chance to. And still won't, and thats what hurts the most. He assumed a lot of shit about my character and it was all wrong. I actually thought about him before I thought about myself.

I guess all i really need to know for myself so that I can move on, is what category to put him in. The niggas aint shit category, or the we could have been great category. but either way, i need to put him somewhere so I can stop thinking about him all the time. I wanna move on, but i know I wont be able to until I get the answer to my question.

Things I Hate

Well one thing in particular, being ignored. If I had a gun, Id probably be under the jail right now. Continue to pray for me...

"Love is a ticking time bomb..."

EXACTLY

"I be cussin, I be screamin like its ova, then i'm lovin, and i'm feenin just to hold ya, and thats how we do...Now I'll play tough but not for too long, You are someone i depend on, No matter how i act at times, I could never walk away, I thought about it plenty times, But no one can take your place"

Sometimes when I listen to music, I can really relate to what they are saying. This is one of those instances. Trey Songz and Mary hit the nail on the head with this one.

Anybody got a Do's and Don't's of Relationship Guide???

Does one of those actually exist? If not, I need to start doing some research and start writing one. Cause ya girl could definitely use one ASAP. I used to think I would be ready for a relationship when the time came up. I always thought I would be a perfect girlfriend. And I strive to be that, but its like the smallest shit can make my boo mad. Even when I do the right thing. Like he not mad cause I fucked up, he mad cause he can't handle me talking to another nigga. And I literally mean just talking, conversating. And thats apparently just one of those do's and don't's that I clearly don't know about.

Pray for me...lol

Back to Blogging

I am going through an emotionally intense time (ydf.astrology.com) and its CRAZY because everything that the website says, I AM GOING THROUGH at this moment.

Like it says that pretty much this year, I need to focus on myself. I have to be my own priority. No matter what. And already, not but 19 days into the year, I was faced with my first REMINDER, that this year is suppose to be all about ME!

My "boo"has been refusing to answer his phone when I call him on the weekends. Especially Saturdays. He has been obviously and blatantly ignoring me. AND I HATE IT!!! And I've tried talking to him about it. FAIL. Ive tried showing him I was mad in an attempt that he would see how this affects me and he would stop. FAIL. So I warned him that my next approach, he would not like. I decided to stop caring. But I quickly realized that with him, it is easier said than done. Because of the fact that I actually do care, its hard to turn it off at this point.

And the more that I tried to not care this weeekend, the more I realized I did. And I started thinking about WHY I was really mad. Like is the issue really him not answering his phone, or is it something else? And after a VERY LONG WEEKEND to myself, I realized that the underlying issue is the fact that I do not have a life. I was depending on other people's company, and I realize that I can't do that. He has a life outside of me and I can't be selfish or demanding. I realize now that I can be demanding, but he can't fault me because I was used to spending all my weekend time with him, and now all of sudden, things are changing.

Like this all comes down to a bunch of stuff. Like everything stems from him answering his phone, and so I wanted to blame him for my loneliness. Which he can take partial blame for because he has a responsibility as my boo. But I can't fully blame everything on him. He has a life outside of me. And I realize that now. I have a life outside of him as well, but its just work. So after work, its whatever. But now that I realize that, we can probably get over this snag in our progression. Cause hopefully thats the only reason he's been avoiding me, because he thinks Im mad at him, and hes not gonna answer until he is ready to hear what he thinks I have to say. Cause I can see the tension building, like we recently almost argued over what flavor ice cream to buy, and thats not good...

Imma shock the shit out of him with this revelation, cause just his luck, its works out for him. THIS TIME.

Boo-1, Megan-0.

For Now...

And this is what my year will entail of...Wanting to blame other people for my problems, and then realizing that it is something within myself that I must change. WISH ME LUCK!! Me and emotions dont mix very well together. I can't deal with them, and the only way I know how to not let stuff bother me, is to not care. And now that I think about it, my boo is the exact same way...NOT TOO GOOD. Something is going to have to give, we can't walk around not caring about everything when we obviously care. WISH ME LUCK (again) cause relationships are new to me also. Im scared Imma fail, but thats another blog entry...

Old Poem, Same Feelings

Titled: Venus in Virgo

Ive seen it too many times, so I know it all too well.
The moment you think everything is going good; that's when it all turns to hell.
I want to let love run its course because only time can tell,
but the moment I try to free myself, expectations send me back to jail.
I want to love with everything I've got, so you know no one could ever take your spot.
But it seems as if no matter what I do, something makes me think twice about loving you.

I titled this poem Venus in Virgo because that is the placement of my love sign. Which is actually the worst placement for love because it makes you very calculating and reserved about love. And anybody who knows love KNOWS that you can't predict or even begin to try. Its one of those works best if you go with the flow type things, but Venus in Virgo does not just go with the flow, unless the flow is going the way it wants. Most Venus in Virgo's are picky, and will not settle. So once they find what they want, they will usually stick with it, being some of the most forgiving and willing to put forth an effort to make it work. However, once they realize it will not work for them, then they are OUT. No questions, no answers, no nothing. Because deciding to leave is never something that is spur of the moment, it was pondered upon for months, maybe even years, weighing the good and bad CONSTANTLY, and once the bad outweighs the good, and the effort isn't worth it anymore, its over. So it may seem like Venus in Virgo will leave at the drop of a dime, but it is never really like that at all.

And thats kind of what I am going through now. Everything is either Good or Bad for me. No middle ground at all. Its either Love or Hate. And couple that with my feelings, and the bad stuff can seem like the worst thing in the world to me. But on the plus side, when everything is good, everything is GREAT! I need to learn to find this middle ground. I see that it is the only way we are going to work for the long haul. ...Almost 2 years and counting...I hope he know what he got himself into...

:-)