It Finally Happened

I've always been the person to go with the flow. I don't depend much on others because I've always believed that the only person who I could always count on to come through in all situations is myself. Not that I don't trust people to do what they say, I just know that there is always the chance that they may not come through and I will be stuck with everything on my shoulders. So I usually take on things where I can do the majority of the work and if somebody has to help or offers to help I let them.

All of that brings me to this, I got into a huge fight with one of my best friends this past Friday. And I made sure I let her know that she was my bitch and I loved her the entire time we were arguing but it got crazy. It was possibly elevated 10 times more than usual just because I was drunk, Im not even sure if she was, but I was. And although I was drunk I pretty much meant everything I said.

And Im not sure if she really understood why I was so mad, well actually I almost know for a fact that she doesn't know. It had nothin to do with that night specifically. She always has a little attitude but I've learned to deal with that. I was mad because you know the feeling you get when you don't feel appreciated. When you feel somebody is taking advantage of you. When you feel that you're giving 100% and the other person is maybe giving you 10%, maybe. And that night it all culminated into me blowing up because I knew she didn't understand and wasn't tryin to understand where I was coming from.

I didn't care that she was there with this dude and that she wasn't really being the person I usually see. I knew she acted different whenever that guy came around. Niggas had already told me that she did that but I just never thought that it was like that. And the fact that she said I didn't save her a drink when I gave her somethin to drink and she refused to drink it. And the fact that she came to the party crazy late and never once came to me and asked me where the drinks was at because if she did she would have known that I had some left that I had put up. And the fact that she said somethin about that nigga doin somethin for her like I never did shit for her our entire friendship.

Even after all the shit I've done for her. She was family. I treated her like family. I basically will do anything within reason that my family asks me to do because I care about them. At the end of the day they are all I really have. And because she was family to me, I let a lot of shit go that I wouldn't normally. I let people I love take advantage of me to a certain extent because I believe that whenever I really need them, they will be there for me. But when somebody gets too comfortable, then its like why do I do all this shit for you when you have never done barely anything in return.

And I don't mean doin anythin big. I just mean recognizing that I rarely, almost never ask you to do anything for me. Because I don't even like askin people to do anything for me anyway. Recognizing that whenever you needed anything, I had You, without you really even having to ask me because it never was a big deal. Recognizing that you never offered to pay me back any of the money I loaned you over the years, and I never once asked you for it because it never mattered. Recognizing that I rarely ask you for gas money unless I really need it and you only offer when you want me to take you somewhere that you know I don't really wanna go. Recognizing that when people talk shit about you I always stood up for you and told them that you were cool. Recognizing that you come off like nothin really matters unless it has somethin to do with you. Recognizing that I always wait for you because you are never ever ready when its time to go anywhere even if you know exactly when I want to leave. Recognizing that I never said shit to you about the fact that I know your parents don't really like me but yet everytime I bring you home late its because I was driving and you couldn't make me bring you home when everytime I always ask if you need to go home. Or how Im sure when ur father wanted to blame me for you getting pregnant you didn't tell him that I told you not to have sex that night and if you did to make sure you used a condom. Just simple shit. Shit as simple as whenever you call me gossiping and tellin me shit that you heard and I still listen even though I really don't give a fuck. But if Im just talkin and tellin you regular normal shit, then you wonder off and the phone and don't even listen or pay attention sometimes.

I have so much more I can say because this is not something that started happening recently, its been since we've been friends. Since I've known you. And my other friends and cousins have been tellin me from the start how you was and how they really didn't like you and how they used to be jealous cause they saw all the shit me and you did together. But I never once questioned our friendship, or thought it would come to this, like this, but its only so much I can take. And there is no love lost at all, you're still my bitch and I love you. And we can be cool, we can still be friends. And I don't want an apology, I want an understanding. I just want you to recognize the friend I've been to you and there is not too many instances where I have been anything less than a friend, than somethin like your sister, mother...Just an understanding is all I want.