2013 reflections- Its been real!

So today is New Year's Eve and I feel the urge to reflect on a couple things from 2013. If i had to describe this year in a couple adjectives I would call it transformative, eye opening, and life changing. Despite the fuck shit I had to deal with early in the year with Tiffany and Deron, the year was filled with lots of laughs and good times. I didn't travel much. Went to Charlotte, myrtle beach and dc of course. Strengthened a couple friendships, me and Sharnece recognized that our friendship meant more than some nigga. And that really meant a lot to me because people don't normally chose me. She knew my character and stood up for me and I will always love her for that. That's friendship to me. I even made a few new friends. I met Carlton who scares me even though he seems like a nice guy. He scares me mainly because he's probably everything I want in a guy including ambition but only time will tell. He's focused on his career right now and I'm not mad at that. Shit, I'm focused on me and my career too. I can't have the love life I want right now so I may as well go after my other dreams. Other dreams to include establishing myself as an up and coming screenwriter. Better yet, up and coming creator of wonderful life changing profitable things. I plan to be innovative and a visionary. Steve jobs the movie and documentary I watched was so inspiring. That's me all day. To be able to give the world something that will change their life for the better and represent a brand that's all about creativity, innovation and impacting the world is so me. I feel like I did a lot of soul searching this year and got rid of dead weight and emotions that were holding me back. I'm in a good place mentally and I couldn't ask for a better start to 2014. The possibilities are endless. The opportunities are just waiting for me to arrive so they can take me on an adventure that I will absolutely love and be amazed by. I really feel like something special is gonna happen for me in 2014. I feel like this is my moment. I feel like I gotta get down to business. I'm not sure how to get started but I know god will make sure I find the way. I'm really ready to achieve something for myself. I've always been the type of person to look out for and help others get what they want out of life. I've been practicing for years and now it's time to put it to use for myself. Imma have to be even more reclusive this year to get what I need to done. I have no real complaints about my job but I would love a new offer for a better position that works within the realm of what I actually want to do. I am interested in computer science but I'd rather build an it team that works together on projects rather than trying to accomplish everything myself. I would have to learn too much stuff when it's people who know exactly what to do. Hopefully this Microsoft teaching experience will open up doors for me to branch out into a different world that better suites me. I love my city. Warrenton has my heart for life and I will always rep my city but in order for me to do better, I gotta get away. I could comfortably live there for life. But I wouldn't be satisfied knowing that I just settled and didn't at least try to achieve my goals in life. Emphasis on my because I have a tendency to get sucked into other peoples lives and I'm over it. I wanna live for me. I'm finally starting to feel comfortable about it. It used to make me feel selfish but I know now that is just the worlds way of tryna keep you down. I know selfish people and I'm mother Teresa compared to them so I know my heart is in the right place, I just gotta get there. And with gods help and the universe conspiring to make all my dreams come true, I'm so ready to start 2014. I'm debating now about whether I should go home or stay in MD. I only wanna be here because I might get to see my boo again before I leave. But that's not even up to me. That's all on him. Like I really need to be starting my New Year's Eve off with him lol. Despite how crazy it is, I still love him like I used to. Seeing him always confirms it and I know he feels it too. It's outta my control though so i gotta live with it. When god sees fit to send me the man of my dreams, I just hope and pray I'm able to recognize and appreciate it. I just wanna be happy. 2013 has definitely taught me that I have to keep a handle on my happiness and stop letting others steal my joy with their shenanigans. I gotta keep my distance most of the time because I am sensitive and it's very easy to throw me off my game or make me feel some type of way. Keeping positive uplifting supportive people around me is so crucial to my spirit remaining happy. I gotta remember that. I gotta protect and stand up for myself. I have to look out for me. I know god got me but I have to stay on my toes. Especially when dealing with shady people. Another life lesson in the books. In fact, 2007-2013 has been nothing but life lessons. That have brought me back to me. And it's crazy cause all of this is stuff I've always known but needed to register for myself. It has made me stronger and better than ever. I feel like Megan 2.0 forreal. The same me, just an updated version. A more grown up version. Still ratchet as ever just more well defined grown up goals. I've been transformed kinda back into the person I've always been. But at the same time, even better. And man I was great back then, so lord knows it's only a matter of time before I'm back on top again. Hopefully I've created some good karma to carry over with me in 2014. I wanna make some money. Like some real money. Like go online and book flights for my people to meet me out in Fiji money. Money that changes lifestyles. Not people, just the lifestyle. I still wanna be me, no matter what. I wanna create. Any and everything. I wanna impact the world Ina Steve jobs kinda way. That's super ambitious but hey, Steve jobs didn't become Steve jobs by being scared of a lil work. He became Steve jobs by putting in the work. By being himself and making sure his vision was carried out despite everything! And he wasn't afraid to go off and look crazy in front of people because he knew his vision would be successful. He knew it would change lives in a positive way. He believed in the possibilities and worked with others to make it happen. That's true character. That's determination. That's everything. I want that type of pioneering spirit to take over me in 2014. I don't wanna be a bitch. But I do recognize that I will have to be aggressive and expressive. I want what is for me. Not sure what that is yet but I'm willing to find out. I know it's going to be wonderful. And concerning my love life, denario marcel Williams is my heart currently. I really love him and it shows every time we have a moment together. Not sure if it's supposed to be like this or whose fault it is, or who needs to fix it but I do know I love him. And again, only time will tell. Him quitting weed is a good thing. That's really all he needed to do to leave. That's all she could say and now she cant. It's gonna open a door for him that he couldn't see before. Hopefully. God please show him that door! Well no I take that back cause idk if he wants to leave forreal. I guess you can show him the door but it's still up to him whether he will walk through it or not. Lord make him walk through it for me lol! Can I be selfish? Lol honestly, I'm still not over his babymama telling me I didn't stand a chance. Let her know god! Only I can limit myself. I had just as much chance as she did. In fact, I gave you the opportunity you have. Cause shit could have been so much realer but my love for Marcel wouldn't let me act up like I wanted to. I just can't believe I'm still on this guy lol. Love is something else. I know people go through shit but got damn. And idk where any of this is gonna take me but I trust God so I'm ready for whatever. No weapons formed against me shall prosper. 2014 will be the start of some wonderful ness. I cannot wait to get it started. Peace and blessings to myself and others. Amen. Thank you god for such a wonderful year. I wouldn't change a thing. 2014, let's go get em! 

Frustrationnnnnnnnsssss....

In my Miguel voice.

I woke up from a dream last night so mad and irritated. I had to meditate this morning because Lord knows I would be in a fucked up mood if I didn't. I'm still not my normal cheery self and I think people can tell. lol.

I am becoming more and more frustrated with a lot of things. I need a change of scenery. I'm not to the point where I just want to quit and say fuck everything but I can feel it coming.

I need some adventure. I'm getting bored with life again. The students give me a little excitement for the day but otherwise, I'd rather be anywhere else but here. I have a fear of getting stuck here. I'll be like Whitehead. lol. Been leaving WCHS for at least 10 years now and still ain't went nowhere. I dont mind being here but Lord, Imma need a man, so I can start a family. That is about the only incentive I see to staying around here.

Otherwise, I have got to get the fuck, and since I have not met anybody here that is even remotely worth staying around here with, I gotta go to Plan B.

Don't ask me what Plan B is yet. I'm still trying to figure that out myself. Well no, Plan B is these screenplays. I got to get on that somehow. Thats gonna be my claim to fame. My door into the lifestyle I want to live. I think, lol. We gone see. Basically thats where I'm at in my life right now. Doing a bunch of we will seeing. lol

Which is not bad but its not all that good either. But hey, no risk, no reward. God send me on an adventure. I'm ready for something new and exciting and different and amazing and JUST FOR ME.

Let me know what I need to do. Amen. Thanks for everything. You know I'm beyond grateful.

My Thoughts in Poetry form

I need to talk to a couple real niggas who know me.
Cause I'm tired of people making me feel like I'm phony.
Making me feel like I'm lucifer. Lord tell me what did I do to her?
I don't get it. Probably never will.
Not a sociopath, but thats something I'll never feel.
You can't tell me I'm a bad person.
And if I am, who am I out here hurting?
What am I out here doing? Explain please before our friendship is ruined.
I don't assume. I wait for people to tell me the truth.
And when you do, don't try to discredit the proof.
I knew my role in your life when I agreed to play it.
It is what it is, I'm just not afraid to say it.
Give and take relationships are the norm, thats not the issue.
Fucking with me like its a secret is what makes me dismiss you.
I'm trouble in your world, but you painted that picture.
You drew all the side eyes that look at me different.
So its hard to believe that you give a fuck when you always searching for moments not to give a fuck.
Cause if you cared, self defense wouldn't be your mechanism.
My feelings weren't attacking you.
It was all about clarity. And I said that to you.
But I'm negative. I'm drama filled.
Whatever man, lets be real.

Real Shit

I'm gonna have to get a couple second opinions from people who know me very well so I can gauge if I should be an asshole or not. Because my first reaction was expected. I knew what kind of response I was gonna get and I was hoping for something more understanding. I should have known better though. My second thought was to start explaining myself. To defend myself. But to me, thats besides the point. Even though it would help my case to literally refute every statement with proof. I could literally do that but its my word and not necessarily proof, so at the same time, it would be irrelevant because the issue is nobody believes me anyway. And I'm a very honest person. I'm not necessarily upfront with everything. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. But I don't hide how i'm feeling either. I keep shit under control until I feel its necessary to bring it to the light.

I'm just really confused as to how to proceed with what I want to say. Because the asshole in me is like go head and say what you really wanna say. But the person that still kinda cares is like be tactful and diplomatic. Have some couth. So I'm torn between "the asshole" and the "the human being" sides of me. And honestly, I don't know if either one actually even cares though. I'm getting a little don't give a fuck from both sides because for one, I'm not a bad person. And number two, I'm definitely not a bad person to her. And number three, I specifically stated my intentions so to put the label of drama or negativity to what I said, is fucking crazy. Period. And thats what bothers me the most about everything. Even still, after I sat here and said if your only response is to call me crazy or make me feel bad, then don't respond. Make me understand because right now, all the shit that was said, came from a personal point of view. Everything I said was flipped in a way to try and make me feel bad for my feelings. My feelings work fine like I stated. And they don't come from anywhere.

Like the fact that no matter how close our relationship is, I'm going to always be my cousin's cousin. Period. She said that. And she never wanted to know any of us in the first place, but she dealt with it because Terrell was so adamant about it. You look at us like family but you deal with us accordingly. Accordingly how? Treat us like family but still be acting like we out to get you for whatever reason. My family don't operate like that, so I'm confused. If I treat somebody like family, I bring them into my world. I accept them for who they are. I don't make them feel bad for what they chose to do. I believe what they say, and even if they try to manipulate me, its funny. I say no and move on. I treat family differently and that might be the disconnection I'm feeling.

I could really break it down and explain but I don't know if I even care to though forreal. And its funny because everything she said is exactly why I feel the way I do. So I know my feelings are valid because she brought the shit up that was always sketchy to me. So there's no way that she can escape or come up with an excuse when I present it to her. But she's just gone think I took everything she said and flipped it for my purposes. But I'll know, and thats good enough for me. Like I'm not tryna argue. I don't even wanna discuss it anymore. I'm over it. Sadly. For our relationship because the feedback that I'm getting lets me know that I care more. It basically confirms what I was thinking. And I don't really know how to express that in a nice way. And I don't want to argue or make things worse. But I don't really see a resolution other than we'll probably just grow apart. I don't know to what extent, but its very apparent to me that everyone looks at me like i'm a negative person in her life and thats fine. They can think what they want, but the fact that she looks at me like this negative,drama filled person is fucking insane and I don't really know how to cordially deal with that shit. I'm not that advanced yet.

Over It

That moment when you no longer care. *sigh* I kinda don't like getting to this point because I know its all downhill from here. lol. 

People don't understand its a chore for me to care in the first place. It takes work. I don't have a natural affinity to giving a fuck about shit that does not concern me. I'd prefer to mind my own business. But people like when you care about them, so I try. I put forth the effort. I do the work. And sometimes it pays off. Most people appreciate me. Even if its just because I can provide laughs or feel good moments. I'll take that cause thats who I try to be to people. I try to be positive. I try to keep shit light-hearted. I try to have fun. I try to be real, to myself and to others. 

So of course, I would feel some type of way about people who pretend to care about me. I don't pretend. If I care, its forreal. It might not last forever, but I can put my shit to the side for someone else and be there for them. Not forever, but for as long as I can stand it. And if I feel like the person recognizes and appreciates the stuff I do, then I could probably stand it forever. Its the other side of that equation that causes me to stop fucking with people. And that's never a choice I want to make but people always seem to make it for me. 

Because at the end of the day, I know I don't treat people badly. I'm honest, and some people would rather me lie and bullshit, but I'm still honest. I cant hide how I feel. I can put the shit to the side, but it doesn't go away. I guess I'm just upset to find out how people really look at me. I truly try not to judge other people for what they do. I have my own standards that I live by, and I have my opinion on what people chose to do, but I never want to make them feel like I'm right and their wrong. Or my way of living is better than what they choose to do with their lives. I can respect everyone's individuality and I wish people would respect mine. 

People have always told me that they admired me for being myself. But thats funny to me because I'm not sure who else I would be if I wasn't being myself. Like that whole admiration is weird to me because I don't even know how I could be someone else. I couldn't imagine waking up every day and feeling like I had to act a certain way for whatever reason. Work related shit is about the only time when I have to do things that I probably wouldn't personally chose, but even then, I'm still me. I don't let people make me feel like I have to do anything, boss or not. I'm the boss of me. I move when God tell me to move. And thats it. Period. 

The more I think, the more I probably will be single forever because I like my comfort and freedom way to much to compromise it for anyone. He'd have to be a very special man in order for me to even consider it. And not too many niggas I know got the glow I'm looking for. I attract all these ego-driven motherfuckers and I get it cause my ego is very important to me as well. But not in the sense where I think I'm the shit, and everybody else is beneath me. I control my ego, not the other way around. I was raised to appreciate everybody. Every person on this earth has something to offer, whether they act like it or appear that way or whatever. I try to be humble because I see arrogant ass people who act like they can't even be associated with someone just because of what someone else might think. I've never been like that. I like who I like and thats good enough for me. In fact, I have a tendency to like "crazy" people better because at least they are real. At least I can get a honest response out of them. Sometimes too honest, but shit I can respect that more than people who lie to me about who they are, and who I am to them. 

I will never get used to people using me for their own selfish purposes. And not even providing me with the option to agree to it or not. People make me feel obligated. And when I make it known that I don't like that shit, im the problem. I probably need to just find my own place and just get away from everybody. Nobody ever thinks about me. Not proactively. Its always after the fact. If then. Like this morning, everybody knows my car is messed up. Did anybody think to see if I had a way to work? Nope. No surprise to me, but then when I said something about it, its like oh well they'll be back. I'm just supposed to be miss calm, cool and collected. That shit really annoys me. 

I'm just irritable today. Not in a good mood at all. And I should be seeing as how I got a lil money today. Thank God! I need to flip it somehow. I really need to start on my clothing inventory and see what my potential profit could be. I might just sell my clothes to the lady at the furniture store. Or maybe she'll let me come out there and sell them. Idk. My mom is adamant about doing something Saturday, which is fine by me. I need to talk to Candice about renting 43. I'll bring that shit back. I gotta do something to start making some extra money so I can start going on some trips. First treat is Miami. I gotta get there soon. 

And I'm about to start traveling alone. I'm just tired of going along with other people and what they want. Thats how I never really feel satisfied because I'm always tryna appease everybody else first, then myself. That shit about to change forreal. And I don't mean any harm by it, but I'm sick of catering to everyone else. I just be chillin most of the time. And most people would label that as lazy but guaranteed I'll run circles around anybody tryna label me lazy. I do have my moments where I'm perfectly fine doing nothing but that does not equate to lazy. Trust and believe I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Lazy is when you know you need to do something but you don't do it because its takes time, effort or energy to do it. And you'd rather just complain and come up with a million excuses as to why you don't need to do it right now, or at all. I know lazy people, and trust me, they wouldn't last a fucking second in my world. 

My computer froze and I forgot where I was going with this but yeah I'm over it. lol

Good Morning

First I want to thank God for waking me up and allowing me to see this wonderful Friday. I appreciate it. Next, I want to apologize for all the depressing posts about friends and family lately. I get in my feelings sometime with how people treat me. And I'm hoping that I'm not coming across like I deserve to be treated a certain way because thats not how I feel. But when it comes to certain people in my life, I have to keep a keen eye to what I allow and accept because I don't just treat people any kind of way. If I'm at the point where I'm talking shit, its because I'm tired of going along with what everyone else wants to do and when it times to give a fuck about what I want, everybody turning a blind eye, and twiddling their fucking thumbs and shit. And looking at me to just understand and be cool with it, like I always am. 

FUCK THAT SHIT! I keep thinking if I'm being unreasonable and having way too many expectations but I'm not. I know I'm not. Because I don't come out my mouth and ask people for shit. And again, this past month all I wanted was for people to celebrate my birthday with me. I didn't say it had to be this expensive extravaganza. I never asked for anybody's heart or lung. I just asked for people to care that it was my birthday and spend some time with me celebrating it. But I guess that was asking too much. 

It's not the same if you just penciling me into your already made plans. Like who wants to feel that on their birthday that everybody is their for their own purposes. Even with the night we all went out to see Stalley for "my birthday", the night ended because of a fight that I heard was started because people was tryna leave me in my own car. And then I got blamed for it because apparently theres always some drama when I come around. I'm not sure how that was my fault seeing as how I was in the club trying to enjoy myself. I didn't start shit with anybody. But I bring the drama. 

At this point in my life, I should honestly be used to it. I've dealt with my so-called family and friends making me look like the bad guy just to clean up their image a bit. I really have no idea what it is I do to people to make them treat me the way they do. It would be different if it was random occurrences, but this is at least the 2nd friend that I've had that I felt makes me look bad to everyone else, but won't talk that shit to me. We besties when its just us. But everybody else in their world looks at me like I'm trouble. And to me, as a friend, I don't allow that shit. My family could not stand one of my friends for a long time. Nobody liked her forreal but me. They all dealt with her because they knew that was my friend and as far as I was concerned, she was gonna continue to be my friend and they would have to get over it. So it was never an issue of them always tryna find a reason to be like see, I told you, she's a bad influence. And that shit never fails to hurt my feelings because my friends of all people should know that I just be tryna help and be a friend. But apparently, I'm this horrible person that does nothing but cause trouble in other people's lives. 

I can't ignore what I know people are saying about me behind my back. And I know they are saying not so good stuff because of the attitude everybody has towards me. Some days I wish I had a private island I could fly off too and chill, just to get away from everybody. Because right now, I kinda hate everybody. I'm just tired of people acting like I'm so mean, and ruthless and insensitive. Like I know I can be like that but it doesn't come from nowhere. I don't wake up with attitudes like some people. And even if I do, I work hard to make sure I'm still pleasant. Even if I feel the urge to tell everybody to leave me the fuck alone. I rarely ever do it. They'd have to really be getting on my nerves for me to come out of my mouth and say that. 

I treat people how they treat me. If you show me that you fuck with me, I'll fuck with you. If you show me the level that you fuck with me on, then that's what Imma revert to when it comes to you. Because its not fair that I hold up my end of the bargain and you get to do whatever the fuck you want to and I'm supposed to be cool with it. But naw, for once in my life, I'm going to stand up for myself forreal. I'm going to speak up and tell people how I feel. Regardless of how crazy it may come across, I don't even care anymore. I'm acting super dramatic but hey, thats how I feel when I'm hurt. Everything is magnified to me and I can't ignore the shit that makes me feel a certain way. Especially when its more than one or two instances that I can call on to prove my point. And I don't expect these grand displays of affection and love from people, but I do expect to feel the love and a lot of times, I don't. I feel it when I'm doing something somebody else wants me to do. But when it comes time to fuck with me and do something I really want to do that the person might not necessarily want to do, its nothing for them to pull out an excuse or sob story and I'm just supposed to care huh?

FUCK THAT SHIT TOO! And its not just one specific person that I'm talking about. A lot of people in my life treat me this way but its because I've been allowing it. Its because I care more about our relationship than fighting over petty shit that I can look over. But having to continue to look over fuck shit is not something I can get accustomed to because it makes me feel stupid. It makes me think I'm just setting myself up to be hurt and taken advantage of. I don't fuck with people I don't care about. And maybe I'm wrong for expecting people to fuck with me in the way that I want them to. But I do that for them ALL THE TIME. If people think I signed up to sit around and listen to them talk about the same shit over and over, then they are crazy. If people think I enjoy being looked at like this bad person, then they need some serious help. If people think I enjoy giving them money or paying for their shit when we go out, then they got some delusions of grandeur. Because I would prefer to spend my money on me but the sad part is if I want to do stuff with people I actually enjoy, I have to offer something that appeals to them or otherwise they won't do it. They won't care about what I want to do. And that shit makes me feel like I'm bribing people or paying them to be my friends. The shit that I do for you is my payment to being your friend. But what do I get in return? Besides shitty ass fucking attitudes towards me because I'm mad everybody basically saying fuck me when I've never carried them that way. 

Maybe I'm being stubborn. Maybe I'm being over the top. Maybe my feelings are made up and what I think is going on is all in my head. But at the same time, I pick up on feelings. And I know that a lot of shit I deal with concerning Marcel affects me a lot emotionally but at the same time, I put that shit to the side and it has nothing to do with anybody else. My mama even makes me feel like she don't give a fuck about me and then she tries to blame it on me like everybody else. She went out of her way to make sure she does something for my brothers birthday, normally cooking. But when it comes to me, she's like well I ate so much the day before that I didn't want to see any food the next day. Oh really? So fuck me and my birthday huh? I didn't even get a fucking cake. No happy birthday wishes. No card. NO NOTHING. The strangers that I met out on U street made me feel more like it was my birthday than the people who should have actually cared. And then once I started talking shit everybody wants to try and make up. Or do this. Or do that. And to me, its not about spending money. I used to be broke all the time but I made sure my bitches had a good birthday. And I've complained about this before but NOBODY EVER cares enough about me to do stuff like that. 

They'll tell me they hope I had a good time. But nobody ever tries to make sure. Well Jennifer did. She looked out for me and I will forever appreciate it. Danielle incorporated me into plans and things that she already had arranged, and I can appreciate that much. But I drove all the way to Maryland for her birthday. Got my party people together and we went out to celebrate. I made the whole night about her, whether she was embarrassed by it or not. It was all about her. Because to me its a sad thing to feel like nobody cares about you enough to put their lives aside and help you celebrate your special life moment. And I didn't do it because I felt sorry for her, I did it because I appreciate our friendship and I wanted to show her that I cared, despite what everybody around her would like her to think about me. And I just don't feel like I got the same treatment. And I guess I can't necessarily be mad at her for that, but it is upsetting. Because now it just seems like I care more about our friendship than she does. And I've always felt like it was more of a I can relate to you type thing but as soon as she decides to stop fucking with Terrell, she won't have a reason to continue to be friends with me. Because we don't really have too much more in common other than that. She's a girly girl, and I'm more comfortable dealing with niggas. And she be all on this if we have nothing to relate to each other, then we have nothing. I feel like she look at me like I'm this ratchet ass lil girl who needs to learn how to present myself so that a man will want me.  I don't carry myself like her other friends do. I'm not sex and the city-esque. Its fun to play that role sometimes, but thats not me. And I just don't feel accepted. I feel like I'm being judged all the time, or I'm being looked at like some kind of project she took on because my cousin told her I needed a friend. And I don't want to think of our friendship in those terms but its hard for me not to when I have various moments I can recall that seem sketchy to me. 

And Marcel just never gonna get it. He loves assuming shit about me too, when he knows me. He has a very selective memory and I'm sick of his ass too. I try to work through all my feelings and emotions when it comes to him but he is no help. And a lot of times, I would rather walk away than to try and convince him that I'm forreal. I'm tired of feeling like I have to prove that I'm a good person. I know I am. These motherfuckers know I am. And I guess I'm not supposed to get mad. I'm supposed to be happy all the time. I'm supposed to fake my emotions forever like everybody else. 

FUCK THAT SHIT!!!! Imma get over this shit one day. Its gonna happen lol

Kids

are worrisome as shit. I still love them but GOT DAMN...

that is all. lol

Friends vs. Family

One thing I can say about family and friends is they both will try to take advantage of you. Family mainly because they know you, and friends mainly because they don't.

And when you peep them taking advantage of you, and still let it happen, they think shit sweet. But as soon as you call them out on it, just for 'I see what you up to" purposes, they either try to laugh it off, or get mad at you for exposing them.

My family will be quick to be like, yeah we came along cause we knew you was gonna pay. But my friends will be like, I can't believe you would even think that about me.

And I just laugh because clearly if you kept it real with yourself and me, you would at least give me the family response and I could respect that. I lose all everything for people who want me to go along with their bullshit just because we are friends. That friend shit don't mean anything to me at the end of the day. Majority of my friends, I treat like family anyway. So if you just a friend, and you fucking up, its nothing to walk away. I don't have to see you. I don't have to talk to you. I don't have to do anything. Family are the only people I feel obligated to and even some of them get the friend, or even worse, stranger treatment. I deal with people accordingly. If you act like you don't give a fuck about me, I will stop giving a fuck about you. If you act like you could care less about me, then I will care less about you. Shit very simple in my world.

I guess at the end of the day I have issues with certain people expecting me to be a friend to them, but when it comes time to being a friend to me, I'm supposed to understand everything they going through and the reason behind why they can't perform their role as my friend as they should. But again, true friends don't play roles. I'm not an actress. I'm a human being with feelings. So when you fake on your role, its not just an acting misstep to me. Its real. It means you never fully committed to being my real friend to me. Which means you never really committed to me. Which means we never was really friends. More like associates. More like co-workers. More like two people who ride the train together every morning and have a 10 minute conversation each day. These people are a part of your lives, but they do not make up your life. They can be replaced. They are interchangeable. Those roles could be filled by anybody. Everybody can't be a true friend. Because that role requires being authentic and genuine. You can't fake that shit. And a circumstantial friend always reveals themselves, in due time.

My Feelings

I swear sometimes I don't even know why I try to build connections and maintain relationships with people. I think maybe I expect too much from them because I would be willing to do that much for them. And usually I'm the one being true to my role, and the other person gets to bullshit around and make excuses for why they didn't do what they were supposed to, in the role they are playing.

For instance, I have been through two different situations where me being loving and supporting towards a friend was taken for granted. And the reason for that is because I am usually always there for them. In some capacity. I provide laughs, good times and overall good feelings about oneself. But for some reason, my friends always try to expose my "bad" side. But what they fail to realize is I don't hide my bad side. Anybody who has taken the time to really get to know me KNOWS that I can definitely be a bitch and difficult to deal with at times. I have mood swings. I'm ratchet and I don't feel the need to conform to social norms and rules. I do me. And I've learned how to use my different personalities to suit my purposes. I'm a bitch when I need to be. And I'm a sweetheart when the situation calls for it.

Some people confuse this for being fake or manipulative. But I never use my "powers" to take advantage of or use anyone for my own selfish reasons. I try to approach every situation with consideration for myself and others. Depending on the situation, if my needs aren't that serious at the moment, I can consider the needs of others and work things out. But in no way do I ever USE people for what I need them for and then act like they never did a got damn thing for me. Sorry my frustration came out in that last line. lol.

But seriously, even if I need somebody for something I want, I will let them know upfront that I need them. That's me being courteous enough to let them decide whether they want to go along with me and what I want or not. And to me, thats showing respect for a person's time, life, and personal choices. People think that just because somebody is your friend or your boyfriend or whatever that you have to make certain sacrifices that go along with playing that particular role.

Like for instance, friends tell each other happy birthday. They may exchange gifts. They check up on each other when they know one is going through something. They tell your kids happy birthday. They remember important moments in your life. They are their to listen and give advice. They keep your secrets to themselves. I could go on and on about what friends do because its a role and people definitely know how to play it.

But when it comes to being a real friend. A true friend. Its one key thing about that kind of friendship that differs from somebody playing the role as your friend. A true friend actually cares about yall relationship and they would never do anything to jeopardize it. A true friend will say fuck whatever I have going on and make sure their friend is okay if they are going through something. A true friend knows a person character and will never make assumptions about them because they know them. They allow people to have opinions of their friends but if somebody tries to slander their friends name or put negative labels on them, they would take up for them immediately, and not even allow it for one second. A true friend doesn't try to solve shit through petty methods. They would want to talk it out because they would want to clear things up in the friendship.

I could go on and on forever about that too. But I said all that to say, true friends are hard to find. And the fucked up part about it sometimes is you can tell when somebody believes somebody is their true friend or when somebody is just fucking with them for whatever reason. And for me, I see how some of my friends treat certain people who they call their friends. And it should be no surprise to me that they would treat me the same way. And for my case, I have to deal with people labeling me as this bad person, making up stories to suit their image, and its fucked up. True friends don't use each other as scapegoats. True friends be like I was right there with my bitch when shit popped off, we in this together. If you think she a hoe, well i'm a hoe too then. Not oh ummmmm, i don't have anything to do with that. I stayed at home. She's my friend but I don't do the shit she does. Like that throw a person under the bus shit is not what true friends do. You'll play your own face just to save your friends. Because again, at the end of the day, what REALLY matters is you and friends relationship. And if you have to deal with people looking at you funny because of who you hang out with then you live with it. Because thats a true friend.

I'm not wishy washy when it comes to people I fuck with. But when I start feeling like you only keeping me arond for your own selfish purposes, and not because you fuck with me, then it gotta cut my ties because those aren't the people I want in my life. I want people who actually fuck with me. People who take the time to get to know and understand me. And when somebody doesn't take the chance to even try to understand me, I can instantly tell that they never gave a fuck about me. Because anybody that I fuck with who tries to put all this bad shit on me, lets me know that you don't really fuck with me. Because I don't treat anybody that I fuck with badly, so I can never understand where that shit comes from.

Watch the company you keep is right. And I need to start realizing that just because I can care about people outside of myself does not mean they are capable of doing so. I need to find people who are. Those are my kindred spirits. Message!

Still Depressed lol

But forreal, I do feel like I could use a pick me up. But whatever, I'll just focus on getting my business up and running by October 1st. That's my goal. I want to have a spot by October so I can bank on a Halloween themed month. I have a bunch of ideas that I think would be cool. I'm excited about it. This post probably should go on my other blog, but even though I'm talking about business, its still more personal.

I've said all that to say that idea is about the only thing I feel the need to focus on right now. My birthday celebration plans didn't quite go as I hoped, but at the end of the day I had a good time. I didn't expect to be so stressed but whatever, I'm over it. Its just always a blow to me when I find out how much somebody REALLY fucks with me. Because in my experience, niggas swear they fuck with you until its time to fuck with you and then every got damn excuse in the book gets pulled out their ass. I'm really not even mad about it, im just over it. Especially when the opportunity to address whatever is bothering you is presented and you don't say shit, or you just be complaining about petty shit thats not really bothering you, then what the fuck is my purpose at that point? Should I force you to tell me whats wrong? How can you even do that? I don't have those powers. So if somebody has a problem with me and they won't express it to me, then is it really a problem to them? Because I'm not understanding how that works. If I have issues with somebody but I know its not a problem at the end of the day, then i'm not gonna be acting like its a problem. I'm gonna act like shit cool, not be mad at some shit underneath the surface. If imma get over it, imma get over it.Especially when I've been nothing but nice and motherfuckers feel like they deserve some type of special treatment for the shit they've did for me. Like I haven't done anything. I dont announce the stuff I do. I don't make people feel obligated to me when I do stuff for them. I could really be a pure cold blooded asshole, but I try to care. Or at least sympathize, and if I can help monetarily, I will. If its support or just a person to listen, I can do that too. But when you do stuff for people without making a big announcement about it, they don't notice. Because for some reason they feel like they deserve to be treated nicely. Well maybe you get treated like shit because you treat people like shit. Because you not going out of your way forreal to do something for someone else. I treat people how they treat me. You fuck with me, I'll fuck with you. You look out for me and I'll look out for you. And I'll go first, i don't mind. But if you don't get me, then thats a violation. And I'll probably overlook it because I'm too fuckin nice. But if its a consistent thing, then I gotta stop fucking with you. Especially if its blatant that what I want to do doesn't fucking matter to you at all.

If I'm a bad person, lord please let me know. If I be out here being a ruthless, insensitive motherfucker let me know. Because some people I know would swear out thats me and they are the ones I treat the nicest. I guess they want me to lie to them like everybody else. They want me to make them falsely feel good about themselves. Or they want me to talk shit to them because that means I love them and care about them. Or basically they want me to go along with the lies they put out in their world, and I'll let them do them, all I ask is don't judge me. But that never happens. I could join a convent and people would still find some bad shit to say about that. I'd be the whore in nun's clothing or something. Hey that would make a good movie. Sister Act-esque. lol. But forreal, its hard out here when people try to use you as a scapegoat for why their life is fucked up. I swear I didn't make any final decisions on anybody's life, so the shit you dealing with is all you. I just happen to be around. And thats probably because most people in my life only really wanna fuck with me when they going through some shit and they need some support or somebody to talk to or whatever. And I try not to give too much advice because then people will say I told them to do it. But then when I don't say anything, its because I don't really care. How can I feel sorry for someone who makes a conscious decision to do what they do? How can you be mad at me for listening to you complain and cry about a problem, and then you go right back to the problem like shit straight? And when I'm no longer emotionally invested because I've heard it all before, i'm rude, insensitive, and an asshole motherfucker who only cares about herself. And I get blamed for not caring anymore but I just don't know how much I can really fuck with somebody who uses me just to get what they want. Everyone does though. I should be used to it but that's something that I will never understand. I'm a genuine person. I don't like being fake, unless I have to. And the only time being fake is necessary to me is work-related shit. If I gotta talk to a bitch I don't really fuck with or something, but thats it. In my personal life I don't have to do shit but what I want to. And I don't have to hang around people who fuck with me when they chose. MAN if I only fucked with people when I wanted to, people wouldn't fuck with me at all. Because I'd only come around if I wanted or needed something lol. But again, I make a conscious effort to really only fuck with people whose company I enjoy because I don't like being used, so I don't wanna use people. I'll let somebody know what I need them for, and let them decide if they want to do it or not. No hard feelings. I love the fact that I have choices in my life, I can't be mad if somebody doesn't do what I want them to do. I don't feel like I deserve shit from anybody except proper treatment because I don't set out in my life to do bad shit to people. But I'm always the bad guy. I always get used. And I should be used to it.

Like seriously, I should really be used to it. But I don't like the shit. If you gone use me, at least let me know. At least, keep it real with me because I can see through the bullshit. People always wanna keep connections with me but I want people to fuck with me. Show me you love me cause otherwise, I'll go find some people who will. And I don't think its too much to ask people to love me or leave me alone. Point blank period. That's how I'm carrying my life from now on because that's how I feel. Don't tell me how much you fuck with me. Don't come up with some beautiful words and put them together like its supposed to mean shit to me. SHOW ME. Because if actions speak louder than words, then its a good thing I got Jesus. And a couple other important people in my life because I'd be so sad and alone. Its just gotta be hard being around people who know they don't really fuck with you. They do it for their own selfish reasons and then have you walking around looking stupid because you actually care about them, outside of yourself. I want somebody to do something for me that has nothing to do with them. And all because they fuck with me.

I think thats one lesson that maybe I'm missing the point of. I can be naive. And I think I am very optimistic when it comes to people and my relationships with them. BUT GOTDAMN, can I please just get some people in my life who want me to be in theirs? And who not gone fight their feelings for me. Or who not gone think that I'm tryna judge them or make them look like a bad person. Or who would be willing to take up for me and not let others opinions or even their own opinion influence how they treat me.

Because basically if I let other people tell it, I'm insensitive, rude, I don't care about any else's feelings or problems, I'm a whore and no one is ever gonna date me because of it, I'm a bad house guest because I cook and don't wash dishes. I'm a liar because I'm vague with details because I'm tired of explaining myself. Or I'm a liar just because everybody else in their world is apparently liars. I'm manipulative. I'm crazy. I'm an angry black woman. I'm mean. I don't give a fuck about anyone but myself. I'm mentally retarded. I'm probably never gonna find a guy who wants to love me because apparently I'm not all that lovable. The list could go on and on and thats all the shit I heard just from the month of July. My birthday month. Its good to know how people really feel about me. But I could have dealt with that shit after my birthday month. I wanted to have fun lol.

But the crazy part about all that is I know for a FACT that I am none of those things because I make conscious efforts to try and be nice and understanding and all that. When in actuality, i'm more comfortable not caring. So I inconvenience myself to give a fuck about people who really don't give a fuck about me. See how i'm losing in that situation? When you start caring about people, especially needy people, they expect you to care forever. all the fucking time. I get to a point where I'm like you should care more about yourself. The only person who really cares is Jesus. And that's real. And I don't say shit like that to be mean or to get people off my back, but I say it because its the fucking truth. You and Jesus are the only two people in your life who can always be there for you. And expecting someone else to be your savior, is a set up for failure. Or at least its a set up for a reality check because again, nobody cares but Jesus. I can sympathize with someone, but if you actually want me to care about your problems like they are mine, then I think you're crazy. Because their your problems. Instead of trying to find someone to care about them, solve them. Everybody has a sob story. Yours ain't no different. We all tryna live out here, and we're doing nobody a favor by solving their problems for them. I know I have a way of calming people down  and getting them going and I hate it because people swear out they wanna change, but they really just wanna complain. They just wanna talk about shit so that they feel better about themselves. Because let a lot of motherfuckers tell it, including myself, we know how shit should be. But its not how shit is, and I know complaining ain't changing anything. I can show a motherfucker how shit should be way better than I could tell them.

I cannot wait until the day God blesses me with a man who knows me and loves me anyway. A guy who is very stand up and about his business. A man who will look at me as his support system and he can feel safe telling me any and everything. A gentleman who has that hood nigga swag to him. Trill shit. Real shit. I wanna be able to feel it. I want the love to seep out my pores and just surround us. I want people to look at us and KNOW we happy forreal. Thats it not any bullshitting going on at all. I want a love that only God could bless with me. A love that is satisfying. A love that is understanding. A love that is God-like in nature and will stand the test of time and our lives and the world we live in. I'm getting to this selfish stuff because I believe thats the only way Imma get to this life that God has waiting for me. I wanna be in a position to help people. I can't help people be happy and satisfied, if I'm not happy or satisfied. I could but again, I'd rather show them what I be talking about instead of just running my mouth about it. I believe its a man out there just for me. He gone get me. And he's going to be available for me. And he's going to want a spot in my life without me having to convince him that its a good idea. He'll be able to feel that its a great idea. That in fact, he knows and recognizes beforehand that it would be the worse decision of his life to walk away from me. He would never let me go. And I would never want him to. I would want to spend my life with him and no one else. And our love would be the number one and most important reason we were together, for both of us. I will feel like I have a partner. Somebody to go at life with together. And carve our own slot. Make our own lane. Show people that you can follow your own rules and its not blasphemous. Its not just something that happens in movies. That in fact, God wants us to enjoy ourselves and have the time of our lives all the time, and not just in spurs. I'm ready. Amen.

I must be depressed

Because lord knows I attract some of the most depressed motherfuckers. lol. I get it in a sense because I'm essentially living a life that I want to change for the better in various ways. I don't mope around because of it. I'm not out here tryna party and act like shit ain't real. I'm just chillin tryna take life one day at a time but everybody around me seems so depressed. Like I was so excited to be where I am for this month and for my birthday. I was ready to have fun, have a good time, show out and experience the city FOR ONCE. I actually had money and I was ready. Everybody knew I was coming and we decided to do this and that, and we went out of course, but that's nothing different from normal.

And the crazy part about it is people be looking at my like its my fault we haven't done shit. I'm like I've been waiting for yall. Every time Im excited to do shit, this person don't have money and that person don't really wanna go. I don't have much to work with. And its nobody fault. I'm not mad, I'm just over depressing and broke people. lol. I need some happy life living motherfuckers who don't mind spending money in my life. Those are my true kindred spirits. lol.  I feel sad as fuck right now for no real reason. That's the real sad part lol. I have fun in my spirit but it must be some spirit demons stealing my joy around me or something cause GOT DAMN. lol. I don't know where I belong. I leave NC to come have a life and get here and do less and spend more money than I probably would have if I just stayed my ass at home. I always end up like this for my birthday. I'm depressed. I need a money and fun miracle in my life right now. That would be love.

Until next time...

That Moment

When you realize all your hard work has amounted to NOTHING. And all thats left for you to do is walk away and begin anew. I feel sad, angry, frustrated, mad, hurt, just super super emotional in a not so good way. Its not necessarily bad because I need something to click in my head, and I think this was really it for me. And I think what is really becoming a moral crisis to me is that fact that I have been trying to care for years despite how much I wanted to say Fuck it, because I was really in love. To me thats the definition of Love. I don't give a fuck about much but I always try when it comes to love. I just rarely succeed lol.

Its almost like the more I love people, the more they push me away. And the more I don't care, the more they want me around. I don't operate like that. If I love you, I want more. If I don't, then I want less. I may very well be the crazy one, but thats how I work. And I don't really understand anything else. I've been trying to get it. But forreal one of the craziest things in the world to me is people who chose to stay and stick around people who are bad for them. Like the situation with me and my friend fits that category. I think she appreciated the shit I did for her and the fact that I tried to be a good person, but at the same time, hated me for it because it only magnified how fucked up she really was. So therefore in her mind, I was purposely trying to make her feel bad or look bad. When that was so not the case. I never try to make anyone feel anything. I prayed away negativity and her ass was the first to go lol. It is what it is.

But back to the point I was trying to make. I just can't seem to get any magic going in my love life. I've been cursed lol. Venus in Virgo says it all. pray for me lol. Thats my only hope forreal. I'm too calculating with love but that shit is such a risk and in my past experience, I'd be better off being a bachelorette for the rest of my life. I always get guys who wanna be in love with me from day one, or they wanna fight being in love with me. They not used to somebody like me so they assume the worst. Story of my love life. I've even been in situations where a guy swear he love me and wanna talk to me but he has a girlfriend, then as soon as they break up, he went and got another girlfriend and said fuck me. And of course, that new girlfriend said fuck him, and then he tried to come back to me and I had to walk away. I have stories like these for days, months, years lol. I must have broke a lot of hearts in my past life cause Lord knows I just don't deserve this treatment. lol. I'm laughing but I'm so serious.

Am I doomed to life of fucking around with niggas forever? I so wanna settle down, you wouldn't know it from how I act, but I only party and shit like I do because what else should I be doing? I don't have any kids. I don't have any huge financial responsibilities. I don't have a man. I have one friend that I actually hang out with and she's in another state. I work from time to time on coming up with a great business idea and model and I reward myself with fun. I be on it and that probably sounds like the life to somebody with more serious and rigid responsibilities but the set up of my current life is all circumstance. I'd rather be with my boo, building a life together, creating a home and family, arguing about dumb shit like whose turn it is to take out the trash, and what to eat for dinner but I don't know any men who want to do that with me. And that makes me sad. All guys that I've ever tried to fuck with on a serious level always make me feel like they decided to fuck with me because they probably should. Its like idk what it is about her, but I should probably keep this bitch on my team. And thats it. Im always just a team member. Never a starter, never a franchise player. I'm the secret weapon niggas pull out when their team fucking suck and they need an extra boost to get them through to the next level. I'm clutch. I make shit happen. I'll turn some shit around and get us through the fire. But as soon as we reach the other side, I be the only one there. Maybe I expect too much. But I would never abandon a person that has always been there for me. Especially if they've always treated me good and made me feel loved. I make a conscious effort to do that for people, not for myself, but for them.

And I guess I'm getting to the root of my problem. I never feel treated good or loved. Just this morning me and my mom had a "moment" because I was trying to meditate this morning and she walked in a ruined my vibe by cutting on a light after I said, don't come up in here turning on lights. And then when I get up to turn the light off, she looking at me like Really, you want me to keep the light off. Do I have a tendency to say shit and not be serious about it? I must do because no one takes me seriously. I have to go off and talk shit and channel my natural inner asshole before people take heed to what I say. And then they just label me crazy afterwards. And I'm like I don't be wanting to act like this, but people don't get that just because I try to be nice and understanding doesn't mean that I am. I'm really a bitch. I really don't care. I'm out here tryna provide a service to the world by being nice because most people don't. Most people don't give a fuck. Most people feel like their problems are so much bigger than everyone elses. Most people think its okay to go off on somebody just because of how they feel. Most people are cool with being a bitch because it just means they know what they want and are willing to do whatever to get it. I'm not. I don't want to take advantage of a person's fear or weakness to force them to do what I want them to do. thats the way of the world, but that shit is so wrong to me. If anything we should be trying to help people get over their fears and work through their weaknesses, and that way you can feel good knowing the person decided to be with you because they wanted to, not because you played the game so well.

I can never get accustomed to treating love like its a game. Because to me, its not something you should play with at all. It should always be about expressing honest feelings and creating real moments. You know real love is some good shit cause people will pretend and play roles forever just to appear like they got it. You gotta draw a line to that fake it til you make it shit. Some shit you can get away with, but love is not one of them. You know when that shit is real. You don't even have to have any prior experience with Love to know when its real. I even think you can have a fucked up view of love and still know that its fake and shouldn't be like that. Because even if you never loved another person, you probably have loved something in life. You may love to play video games, or sports. Or you might love talking shit. Or you might love how it feels after you leave a concert. And all those good feelings you get from doing things you love, you will NEVER forget. So for people to tell me they don't care about love, or believe in love, or trust love or whatever, I don't understand because we all love something and we know how good that something makes us feel. And thats just as much a real love as falling in love with a person.

I'll even go a step further and talk about my love of money. When I have money, I'm the happiest person alive. When I don't, shit sucks. I'm not necessarily unhappy when I'm broke and poor, but I know I can be much happier with money. lol. But at the same time, money is not the end all, be all to my happiness. If I never made another dime, I could still be happy because there are people and things to do in my life that mean more to me than money ever will. Money just affords me the opportunity to spend time with people I love and do things that I love. Thats all it is for me. Its a tool. Just like instagram is a tool that allows me to keep a record of all my good times. Or how Google is a tool that keeps answers to my questions at my fingertips. Or my cellphone is a tool to helping me keep in contact with people. Money is the link to me being able to do things I want with people I love. And whereas that link is very vital to myself and my happiness, I still could never let it control me. I could never be happy in a situation where I have access to an unlimited source of money but I had no one to really share it with. I could always look out for strangers or do charitable things of that sort, but it would mean more to me to help out someone that I knew personally. I guess I could get to know someone personally and achieve the same result. I guess. In fact, now that I think about it, people who don't know me, are more appreciative of my help and support. And a lot of times, I'm not overly helpful to people who know me because they'll just sit back and want me to do everything.

I think I just have a problem with the people who know me. I get no respect from them. They'd rather fear me and all I want is to be loved and respected. People treat me like a dictator when I'm really more like Project Manager. I guess I could come across like i'm barking out orders and my way is the best way, BUT I would never recommend somebody do something that would harm or hurt them or set them back in any way. I'm always looking out for everybody else best interest. I don't normally reflect on my life in association with someone else's so I can give advice that will better someone instead of keeping them where they are. I'm always looking out for people or doing that something extra, requested or not, and I just never really feel like I have that here on earth. Caretakers and givers of the world need love too. Through God I've found a couple people throughout life who I can honestly and truly from the bottom of my heart say that I know love me and as long as I am me, they will. My mother and brother and his fam is one group of people. My new friend Danielle. My cousins. My aunts and uncles. My old supervisor Nora. My old friends Quita and Sharnece and Courtney. I've generalized some of these groups and some of the people are a lil sketchy, but i do believe that at the end of the day, they want me to do well for myself. Whether they are helpful or supportive about it. I don't assume that these people wish bad things on me. I know Nora prays for my wellbeing and success. I think my mom does too. I need to start praying more.

This is the longest random post ever but this is my mind right now. All over the damn place. I been crying since 2:30 am last night and I don't even really know why. I'm trying to figure it out. I'm just sad. Im not good with taking emotional losses. My persistence has a tendency to hold on to things longer than needed. I'm hurt. I want to be bitter. I want to be spiteful. I want to be petty. And I was basically given permission to do all those things BUT I can't. I really can't. And I think thats why I'm so frustrated, because I really do put forth the effort to be a good person and to handle shit in a good way, but I always get the short end of the stick. Im always left to deal. Everybody else go on their merry way like shit sweet and I'm suffering emotionally because I can't shake being mistreated or disrespected as quick as other people. That shit really bothers me and I always just ignore it. I distance myself or walk away from a situation. And I think this time I would go unnoticed because thats what I been doing. I wanna say something. I wanna scream. I wanna yell. I wanna fight. I wanna let it be known how I really feel. Because people never notice when you walk away, they just notice what you don't do anymore. The notice your presence is gone. And it takes a real person to admit they were wrong or admit they could have handled shit better. Thats what people do when they appreciated your presence and they miss you and want you back in their life. And I think the situation I'm in now is so sad for me because he's not gonna care. I've walked away from this nigga a million times. He knows I love him but he told me he doesn't want me to care anymore.And I wanna not care SO BAD, but that shit is not in his best interest lol. I don't know how to just turn it off. Or how it turn it down. Either I care or I don't. I don't know how to halfway care. I don't know how to fake my feelings. I know how to not show them but I don't know how to not feel them.

My feelings are so important to me that I could never discredit them. Its been times where I was like wtf were you thinking, but at the end of the day, I know my feelings work properly. My mind and ego be on some other shit. When something makes me angry, I get upset. When somebody tells me a story, I can feel if it was some bullshit involved. When I'm happy, I'm on top of the world. If I'm excessively worried about something, I know its a real risk involved. I don't understand how people can live a life where their feelings dont matter. They have to feel like they don't matter. I used to be like that. And I still feel like nobody gives a fuck about me and my feelings. But I care. And if I care, I can at least stand up for myself and feelings and not let people discredit it just because it doesn't mean shit to them.

He really hurt my feelings yesterday. If I had wrote him a love letter, he wouldn't have called me with a soliloquy. He would have ignored that shit. But I send him a message talking shit and I get a response right away. Its sad. For him. And for us because I don't want to be in that kind of relationship. If the only way I can get you to do stuff is to nag and talk shit until you are tired of hearing my mouth, then its a problem. I can go find a motherfucker who will listen the first time. I don't need that stress lol. I don't even want to be that person. Thats not a good place for me lol. I can be a bitch forreal given the right circumstances and I don't want to become accustomed to being that type of person all the time. Bitches be mad at the world for any and everything, I just wanna be happy. I wanna keep a real smile on my face naturally. I just wanna be so happy that I can't not be happy. lol. I felt that way when me and him first started talking, I remember I came home one day and my cousin broke my laptop, and my cousin boyfriend at the time, broke my dvd player. And my boo was mad at me because I wasn't mad at them. I'm like they're poor, they can't replace it, its no need for me to be mad. Its okay. lol. I didn't give a fuck, I had my boo, thats all i cared about lol. I'm not material at all. Love may not pay the bills, but shit, if Love not involved, I don't think the bills worth paying. And I really believe that lol

I'm a different breed. I've recognized it a long time ago. And I rarely find people who get me. I'll continue to search though. Its funny because I need somebody loving and supporting but that shit makes me so uncomfortable at the same time because I don't know how to respond to it because I'm not used to it. I know how to be loving and supporting but I don't know how to receive it. I need to work on that. Maybe that will be my breakthrough moment. Lord knows I need one. I haven't given up faith wise, but i need a reminder why doing the right thing is so important. Or doing what feels right. Are they the same thing? I need blinders cause I just get caught up in other people getting what they want through fucked up purposes, and how easy it seems. My poor little heart won't let me do evil things so I guess I'll continue on this path of righteousness. God please allow me to see the light, I need to know its there because this tunnel seems super long. Or maybe I'm just driving super slow. Whatever it is. Please help me see it. Amen. Love ya, thank you!

Oh yeah...

I'm going to go see Young Jeezy at the end of this month. I LOVE LOVE LOVE ME SOME JEEZY.

Okay that is all. lol.

Possible Going Back to School Opportunity

It looks like I may be a college graduate one day after all. I think I have found a program that is gonna work with me. And the best part about it all is they have 5 week sessions where I can get 18 credits at the time, and they offer life experience credits. And I would only have classes certain nights of the week and I think I could deal with that too. Its kinda unreal cause it seems too perfect and too good to be true but I'm going to check it out and if I can have a degree by the end of the year or before summer starts next year. That would be WONDERFUL! Like God Imma follow my leads on this one and please bless this opportunity and make it legit and easy and not a hassle and give me the strength and patience to get through it. I could suffer through Warrenton for another year for this. At least I would feel like I have a reason for being here other than my job because honestly I could work somewhere else and be happy, but this option would set my future up in a much better fashion. Like I'm actually kind of excited just from what I have seen and heard so far. Like if this works out, I may have found my educational loop hole. THANK GOD! Cause lord knows, if I had to start over or suffer through Chapel Hill, I wasn't gonna go back to school. I'm sorry. It just wasn't gonna happen. Fingers crossed cause I NEED THIS IN MY LIFE! Megan the college graduate. I get that under my belt and Imma be the shit forreal. I'm the shit now but society is basically forcing me to get a degree because my word, and resume just isn't trustworthy enough. The games we have to play, but such is life.

Shit, this is a major accomplishment for me. I'm excited about going to school. And normally, when I even think about going back to school, it puts me into an immediate deep depression. I kind of feel good and want things to work out for me this time around. I want to graduate. I want to get a bachelors degree. I want to finally put that goal to rest. For myself. Because I know I need to. Got damn, who would have thought? lol. I'm growing up man. I can't believe it. I actually WANT to go back to school. I was just saying this morning something completely opposite. lol. God works magic, I'm tryna tell you. You better get you some in your life. And by some, I mean God. Thank you for everything again. I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart, I don't know where I would be without you. MUAH!!!!

Birthday Plans #TEAMLEO

I'm getting kinda excited about my birthday festivities. I have never planned anything this far in advance in my life. But hopefully this will encourage more people I know and love to join me in celebrating my birthday this year. I already know the shit is gonna turn into that Emerald Pointe situation and everybody is gonna forget that its my birthday and it was my idea, but I can live with that. As long as everyone has a good time, I'm good. I know my nephews are going to go crazy. Like they are going to flip out forreal. I can't wait to see their faces.

Feelings

I hate talking to people about my feelings cause 9 times out of 10, they gone relate what I'm saying to themselves and try and get me to solve my problems their way. I do the same when I talk to people but I always let them know that this is what worked for me and its just an option and they should do whats best for them. Because I can feel when somebody is giving me a generic type answer and I hate that. I'd rather they say nothing and just listen. Sometimes I just want someone to listen. And I talk to God a lot but I think I have a problem receiving the feedback from him. Idk, I be looking for something, anything, everything and end up doing nothing cause I'm scared its the wrong thing. And I know what that means, i need to stop being a bitch about shit and get it poppin. Easier said than done. *sigh*

I think this rainy weather has me depressed lol.

Dear Boo (who probably should be titled Nigga I need to let go but hey, such is life),

I don't really know what I want to say here but I do know its a lot. It will probably all sound like mumbo jumbo to you but trust me, it all makes sense in my head. Some days I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and some days things seem as bleek as they did starting off. We've both grown up right in front of each other. Its kinda weird because it definitely wasn't the best of times, but it felt special, so it definitely wasn't the worse of times. I just don't know where this boat, train or plane ends. Are we supposed to continue to grow with each other forever or are we at our final destination? I'm feeling like we're coming to an end but it could also be a beginning. I don't fucking know. I go back and forth with shit so much because nothing makes sense. Everything seems doomed to fail. Past events don't help me make the decision to stay involved because I could risk it all again, but I'm really tryna avoid hurt feelings this go around. I'd be a fool to sit back and allow that to happen again.

But how am I supposed to fulfill my dreams with all this doubt in my head concerning it? I am a definite believer that God can work a miracle. I know this. I've seen it. Shit, a lot of times I feel like a miracle cause Lord knows I would not be where I am today without him. I'd probably be somewhere secretly stalking somebody from a far or some shit. Don't judge me. Just know that I did not become that person as I so easily could have LOL. God saved me forreal. So I know for a fact he could save us. How long is it gonna take though? Is it gonna happen? THis lifetime, cause I promise the end can really seem so far sometimes? Must not be the end then. And that makes me think even more that I need to just let it go. I'm a very persevering, determined person. I can work with somebody that I'm willing to work with. I just don't know if you're workable. You're more like a piece of work that I just don't know if Imma be satisfied with the outcome because the whole process is just draining. for me at least. You don't seem to give a fuck one way or the other. Which makes it even harder for me to decide cause i don't know if you don't care, or if you're pretending not to. I hate having to decode everything. As honest as we are with each other about stuff, like why are we still tip toeing around what we really have to say? I'm over it. I'm tired of trying to read into words and piece shit together. This is life. Its not a puzzle. I know how I feel, I know what I wanna do, and I know how to say it out loud to somebody who knows how he feels, and what he wants to do. And we can go from there. I'm good at figuring shit out, no great, BUT its obvious key pieces to this puzzle are missing. I just need to know if I should continue working on this one, or start a new one. I'm ready to have that conversation, and it scares me because shit is gonna get real and imm have to deal with it however it turns out. And of course, I can only see the bad side of it. I can't even think what the good side would be. I guess us being together, but with all the bullshit that comes with that, I just don't even know if we would be able to even enjoy it. Its too much.

Thats why most days I prefer to walk away instead of deal. Its easier this way. But reality is reality. I can't run from it, I must accept it in whatever way I can. And with said, I guess everything is what it is. I can't convince somebody who only thinks logically that feelings matter. My feelings matter to me, but clearly his feelings don't matter to him. Not more than money. Not more than keeping up with whatever is going on. I have to worry about me and my feelings that matter to me, and I don't want to be depressed again. I want to be happy. I want to smile. I want great days because of great feelings. And its very sketchy as to whether you can do this for me or not. My heart wants to believe but my mind is like bitch be for real. What the fuck has he done lately to even make you begin to think otherwise? NOT SHIT. okay sorry, my ego might have took over that one. My multiple personalities are showing in this post LOL. And on that note, Imma say this...LORD PLEASE HELP YOUR CHILD OUT HERE. Idk what to do or say anymore. I'm always asking for guidance and then don't do shit, smh. I need help moving my feet. You know my heart.

Stream of Conciousness

And Go...

So today I don't even know what I want to write. My mind is actually kind of blank here lately. Its amazing how thoughts can just disappear like that. Something that was once on my mind constantly is in the back of my mind just like that. I'm trying to write without thinking, its not really working. I'm too controlling lol. But as far as my thoughts go, thats a good thing. I need positivity in my life. Negative shit affects me in such horrible ways. I can't take that shit. From anything or anybody. I need love, respect, honesty, trustworthiness, and all the good emotions. I want to feel alive. I want to wake up and take life all in and be completely satisfied with how things are and where they are headed. I'm getting there. Right now I have no complaints. I kind of worry about things that aren't progressing in my life and it comes across as complaints but for right now I'm almost 99% sure that I am doing what I should be doing. Anything else would only be a distraction. Theres money to be made, best believe a nigga clocked in. Thats all I can really think about these days. I have things I want to do in life and money is the means to do it. So I have to devise a plan with God to get this money. The world is full of opportunities and ways for me to do it and I need to capitalize on what I can now. I believe network marketing will be good for me because it will allow me to rest on the things that I know I am capable of doing and it will introduce me to things that I normally shrink away from and avoid. The one downside for the network marketing to me is the recruitment part. To me thats definitely gonna be the hardest part. And I think thats a lot of the reason why I don't invest in certain stuff because I don't know if people will support it. People are finicky. But I guess if i produce a product that I know people will use and love at the same time, then things should work out fine. I have no idea what that product would be. I know beauty products and things that make people feel good will always have a market. always. I think thats where my niche is because I really do believe that when you look and feel good, you do good and its a cycle that continues to repeat itself. But I don't necessarily want to sell makeup and stuff like that. I would, but I would want my focus to be on distributing products or services that help make people feel better. Whether its a self-help book/workshop, clothing, accessories, life coaching services, or whatever. I think I have a lot to offer but I need to start developing these products and services before I can offer or market them to anyone. The idea will come to me. I think I am leaning to becoming a distribution company. But what am I gonna sell? Am i gonna work with other companies on selling their products or marketing their products or my own? or both? I think both would be a good option. How do you reach out to companies to help distribute their products? would I do it online or would I need a warehouse? What do I need to start up this distribution process? How could i work on getting a distribution deal with someone? That could eventually bring more jobs and stuff to this area and people could work in my warehouse packing and shipping things. I'm trying to think of things on a more global scale. I need to look into distribution deals and see how they come about and what I would need to do to get one. I don't want to limit myself to one thing, but I don't want to take on too much at one time. That is my problem.I have a milliion ideas and I need to prioritize and see which ones are actually feasible and which ones I need to put to the side for now. I have my creative side but I also need to think logically about how I can produce a profit from my creative ideas. I guess the more I write, the more I can get stuff out of my head and start narrowing things down to a point where I can devise an action plan to get these things done. I still need to work more on my screenplay that I have written. I need to register it and then start shipping it out to people so they can read it. I know its not formal to do things online but shit I'd rather get my story out there and get feedback from it before I try and submit it to a major production studio. I need to get an agent too so they can shop my screenplay. Somebody who believes in me and my vision. Why couldn't I have an Uncle Russell in my life? lol. I always think about how much success Vanessa and Angela have achieved all from their one idea to design a shoe line for Women because nobody had any cutes one that they liked. They had all the resources they needed and he stepped out on a limb for them and they did way more than I'm sure he ever projected. Thats whats up. Stories like that inspire me. I need people who want to take a chance with me. Someone who believes in my vision. I guess I need to get my vision together before I try to present it to the world and get people to support me. Thats my main problem. I will be working more on that. I have all the confidence in the world. I just need my desires to aline with the universe so I can get these resources that I need to do the things I have in mind. I just wish I knew what to focus on. I wish I could clearly see what would be my money maker. It could be anything and everything. I guess the more I start to hash things out and get things organized and in order, things will become much more clearer to me. Spirit guides please be with me. Guide me to where I need to be in order to attract the things and opportunities that are made for me in life so i can live this wonderful life that is in my heart and soul. What you want me to do sir? (lmao, i haven't thought about that in years, shoutout to my cousin Chaise, missing my laughing partner always, love you boo!!! I'm tryna make something happen for us Williams' so we can keep the party going for you hunny!!)

I came here to say something

And as I begin to type what that something was, nothing is coming to mind. Normally I have a head full of shit to rant and rave about, but lately I've been so blank minded. This is not like me at all. I don't know whats going on. I haven't been this clear headed in such a long time it feels kind of weird. I must be about to have some moment of clarity situations or something where I need a clear head to get through it all. Its just weird because normally I have a million pressing issues to deal with but lately things have been going pretty smooth. I have a couple of things I need to pay and shit that I said I was gonna do for some people but thats about it. It feels good to finally feel like I only have myself to worry about. I have a tendency to take on other peoples problems without even realizing it a lot of times.

I feel kind of lost now. Like I just don't know where my life is headed. I've been doing things that seem extremely random to me now but i'm waiting for the aha! full circle moment when things start to come together and make sense. Right now, I'm just tryna prepare myself for whatever opportunity may present itself. I really believe God led me to that Network Marketing book for a reason and trust me, Imma read that joint from cover to cover and devise some type of plan soon. I never check the book section, so this was a clear sign from God to me. I'm about to get on it. In fact, imma go get the book and start reading on my lunch break. Surplus money to do all the things my heart desires and early retirement (no later than 31) is in my future. Me and God getting to work on that as I type.

My love life is blah. I don't really  have any complaints because I have too much I need to do for myself before I can really worry about a man in my life. So I guess my current situation will work for now. I guess. I've put that on the back burner. I have someone in my heart but he don't act right so its still a matter of time before I really know whats up with me and him. I try to not think about it because that never amounts to anything but me worrying my self to death about some shit that I have no control over. I'm not the forcing type so if I don't appeal to someone enough to make them want to do right on their own, then all I can do is wash my hands and move on. I'm getting to that point but right now everything is fine.

I just...SIGH...I need to know I'm doing the right things in some way form or fashion. I need to know that what I'm doing now is not what I am setting myself up for in the future because this shit is not gonna work for me forever. I need to start developing my ideas more and go from there. I need to start doing things that coincide with what I want to do. I need to get it together on my end. I haven't been as focused as I need to be and this needs to change. I do not want to get stuck here. I want to develop a lifestyle for myself that works with me and fits me and goes with the things I want to do and am interested in. I'm over just working a job. I need to develop a career for myself that produces a plethora of money for me to live off of and to be able to afford the things that i want in life for myself and for other people. I want to travel. I want to explore the world. I want to be able to call my friends and be like pack your bags we're going to such and such place for a couple days. I got your tickets ready. I want to be able to help people monetarily. Thats the kind of life i want to live. I gotta get this money first. Somehow. God please be with me. Guide me. Amen.

Crossroads

I don't know if anyone else experiences as much anxiety as I do when it comes to making major decisions in my life that I know will have an impact on me. Its nothing for me to weigh the options of doing something that won't make any difference either way. Most decisions I make only prompt the questions when and where and if I don't have any prior engagements, I'm there. 

Now when it comes to making decisions that bring up questions such as If I get this job, what if I don't like it and then regret giving up a job that I did like?  Where I am going to live until I get enough money to get my own place? What if I can't get my own place because of my credit history? What if I move to Maryland only to be reminded even more of how me and my wannabe boo aren't together? What if I can't handle that? What if we do get together, how are we going to make it work? How are we going to move forward with our lives? How are we going to merge our lives in a way where neither one of us feels like we're sacrificing everything just for each other? What if we get together and things are what we expect them to be? What if things are great, how will we keep that up? I have a million and one scenarios goin through my head and they are all very possible and noteworthy to my decision making process. 

I'm scared that everything could go wrong and everything could go right at the same damn time. (Got damn Future lol.)  But guess only my expectations will set me up for failure. But at the same time, if I'm not looking for something specific to happen, what am I even going for? I don't necessarily need or want a different job right now. I want to live in a different place. But I could be happy living where I am if I had a family type home situation that I could look forward to at the end of the day. I guess I'm ready to settle down and that ain't really available for me where I'm currently located. I have honestly tried without trying to find someone around here but it hasn't worked out. I want to be a wife one day and these men just want someone to play wife until they are ready to be a husband. Ain't nobody got time for that. (Got damn Sweet Brown LOL) 

And its funny because all i hear from people lately is marriage and baby talk. Which I don't mind but it just makes me want to get away and try at that life again. I can't pretend that my biggest dreams are to have a lot of money and be successful. The one thing that I could be satisfied with doing in life is having a family which for me means being a wife and mom. Taking care of a home. I want that support system in my life. 

Lord please help me make a decision. Guide me. Amen. 

Distractions

I am so unfocused right now, its crazy. I haven't done anymore research on my business plan. I'm behind in my class assignments. I haven't worked on my screenplay in about a week. My  mind is all over the place right now and I'm trying to pull it back together but idk how. I really need to focus and re-center and gather my to-do list again. But I think a lot of my unfocusedness is coming from my non-caring about the things that I have to do in my life. At the time they were what I wanted to do but now its starting to be a hassle. Mainly the business plan program I am in. I want to start my own business but the ideas that I've had are very ambitious and require a lot of work that I'm not really into right now. Not into the idea, I don't mind the work. I need to devise a business plan that goes along with my interests. And I almost feel like I need to settle down before I make a decision that might have me stuck in a place that I don't really want to be.

God I need some extra guidance right now because I really don't know what to do. I have so many emotions that I am trying to put a hold on and its definitely complicating my life. I need to resolve the things that are going on in my head. I think the shit with my friend or whatever the fuck she was supposed to be is really bothering me and I can't get it out my head. I need to get over it somehow. I need to let it go somehow. I need to stop letting it get to me. But it hurts. God please allow me to be at peace with everything in my life. Please allow me to weed out whats not important and keep what is. Please allow me to do what I need to do to be where I want to be and where you think I should be. I need your help now. Amen.

P.S. I sound so depressed and stuff but I'm really not, its just a lot going on with me right now and my mind is not at all where it needs to be to do what I need to do. Discipline is the name of the game.

Feelings

I've been in my feelings about a lot of stuff lately. Mainly my love life, which concerns more than just romantic relationships for me. Friendships are becoming a big issue in my life. As far as my family goes everything is good as far as I know. We get along again and that is a great accomplishment because for a long time, everybody was getting on my nerves. Probably for my own reasons but i'm over it now.

But when it comes to friends, I can say that I have one person that fits what I think a friend should be. I've always been cool with a lot of different people. I understand that as I grow older and start to explore different things that I will make new friends and associates. But I also respect and love all my "old" friends the same, even if we seem to be on different pages in life. Its mind boggling to me how I can be so cool with someone and in an instant they can become a stranger. For me, I don't have too many requirements when it comes to friends. I like people whose company I enjoy and that was all I cared about for a long time. Just recently, I've had to add trustworthiness as a quality because clearly I was delusional about who I could trust. But what really has me in my feelings about this friend shit is the people that I fucked with the most were the ones who were so quick to say fuck me when a situation came up to do so. Its like they were waiting for me to do something that they could say that I did towards them so they could try and make me look like the bad person. I don't really understand especially when I know I tried to be a friend despite the fuck shit going on around me that I couldn't necessarily pinpoint at the time, but I could feel that it was going on. And I was right about it, but I still feel like I was wrong for some reason. Idk. I think everybody could have handled the situation better. I think we all could have communicated in a more direct manner. My issue was that when I tried to be real about how I felt, everybody just labeled me as crazy, but when shit turned out like I knew it would, everybody still blamed me. Its my fault that such and such happened.

But you gotta be whack as a motherfucker to do some shit just because somebody thinks you're doing it and you chose to prove them right. I always get the side eye when it comes to my "friends" niggas. I put friends in quotations because if they were really my friends they would know that I would never cross that line. But whether they said it or not, I know my friends would feel some type of way about me being cool with their dudes. I'm the friend that won't say a word to my friends nigga cause I don't even wanna start the confusion and crazy thinking. I avoid that shit like the plague. I don't even really like chillin with my friends when they are around their guys. I give couples their space. Its just a common courtesy to me. Thats one issue that I've had to deal with concerning my friends recently.

Ive also had to deal with my friend having sex with a guy she know I was talking to. I blame her and the guy because I felt like they had some kind of feelings or whatever between them, and I gave them both opportunities to say something about it. Neither did. It would have been as simple as that to me. I would have felt some type of way about them wanting to be together after the fact but I would have gotten over it eventually for the sake of my friendship. I do want to see my friends happy and if she saw her happiness in a dude I was fucking with that I know I didn't really want forreal, she could have him. I can be grown about shit regardless of how hard it may seem to do on the outside. I would have needed some time but I could have gotten over it. What pisses me off about it is instead of my friend being real with me about how she felt, she tried to hide it. She was being sneaky. She was on some other shit. She wasn't being the friend that she was claiming to be on the outside looking in. You wanna cry to me about how hurt you was that I had suspicions about you, but you go and do exactly what I knew you would. It was like she wanted me to give her ANY reason to fuck this nigga, and I never did, so she created on in her head. She made it okay for her in her mind because apparently I was kicking her to the curb for this guy anyway.

I will admit that I was distancing myself from her, but that shit had nothing to do with him. It had everything to do with her and her attitude towards me that I could pick up on whether she expressed it or not. I could tell from her actions. From her trying to hide how she really felt. It came out whether she realized it or not. And I played dumb for a long time because I was just waiting to see what she was gonna do. How she was gonna play shit, and she definitely chose that nigga over our friendship AND THEN tried to put it on me. AFTER THE FACT  THO. Like you can't be mad at me for not wanting to fuck with you after you been backdooring me and being wild disrespectful about it. And just because you thought I didn't know you still continued to TRY and be friends with me. I don't need friends that bad. I will be alone before I be around people I KNOW I can't trust. Like if you was such an upstanding person you would have did whatever to not make it seem like what I thought instead of trying to hide it and be sneaky about it. And lie to me for niggas that came right back around and told me some truths, cause I know he didn't tell the whole story. But it was enough to let me know that my friend didn't give a fuck about me like I gave a fuck about her.

Competition in friendships means its no friendship to me. We rivals. We enemies without being at each other throats about it but if you always tryna think of ways you can one up me, or get at me in some way on some funny shit, i don't need you around. Period. What I look like competing for attention with my friends? In fact, they can have all the attention cause I don't even like it. I'm always about doing what I came for and leaving, I don't like wasting time on extra shit. Hold up let me add on to a previous statement, what I  look like competing for attention with my friends with a nigga that they could have had in the first place?

Shit was all good when I was the one who didn't have any male prospects on my team. When I was the one sitting at home doing nothing because I didn't have niggas taking me out places and doing stuff with me. It wasn't a problem then. Nobody wanted the nigga until I started fucking with him then its like everybody feelings came out of nowhere. When the nigga was tryna fuck with yall where was your mind at then? Not on him, but the second I start fucking with the nigga its a problem. Im saying fuck my friends for the nigga. I'm the bad friend because now I chose to spend my time and money with a man instead of my friends. Now that I had developed some type of life outside of my friends, all hell broke loose. And the crazy part about it is I considered EVERYONE in the situation. EVERYONE. I thought about one friend who I knew would probably feel some type of way about me talking to the dude because she used to, and it was a couple times that I went to visit her just to tell her about me and him. I will admit I was scared of what she would say about it, and how it would affect our friendship. I knew I needed to tell her but eventually shit got to point with me and him where it wasn't even shit to tell because of all the drama that was goin on. I'll take that situation on the job and admit that I should have said something because I should have. As a friend. But I didnt try to hide it. I didn't try to be sneaky about it. I didn't lie about anything because I was never asked about anything. But I did leave the truth out but I always said I would deal with it when it came up and right now I feel like it has come up in a sense. And whereas I don't expect anything to change, I would like to talk to this friend about everything because I just want to clear it up and let her know that I was wrong, I should have said something, and I'm sorry. I didn't apologize to her like I did my other friend and I do owe her that much. For my sake. Whatever she wants to do with my apology, is up to her. I just need to get it off my chest because I do feel bad about it.

Now when it comes to the other friend, I don't know how I feel about it. I still have mixed feelings about everything only because I haven't heard her side of the story but I don't know if I can handle it. Idk if I'm ready to sit down and hear a bunch of excuses because I know thats what it will be. And I know that I could never let her back into my life until we had a conversation about everything. I just want to be at peace with the situation and right now I'm not. I feel like I did something that caused her to act that way but I don't know what. I feel like its a lot deeper issues than her fucking him because they wanted to. I can't really pinpoint what could have created this situation because on my end, I tried. I really put forth the effort to be a good friend. Even when I knew it was fuck shit going on behind the scenes. I still went through the friend motions even though I knew won't a lot of friendly shit going on between us. My friendship with this girl meant more to me than a nigga and she can ask anybody I talked to about it. That was the one thing I kept saying that I didn't like that dude enough to say fuck our friendship over him. But apparently she did. It was something. He even admitted to me that he felt like she was mad at me because I had somebody that I could talk to and chill with and spend time with. I just really can't understand and I think thats what bothers me most. I feel like I almost need to talk to her just so I can hear where she was coming from and then go from there. I mean as far as us being friends like we were thats dead. But we do have mutual friends and I would like for shit to be cordial at the very least. I don't have to fuck wit her anymore, but I just know Imma have to see her one day and I don't hate her at all. I hate the decision that she made and how it has affected our friendship and I just don't know how to come back from that. Especially when we've had a falling out before because of some of the same issues and I'm not a fool. And we never really talked about shit then, I just let it go eventually over time and we became cool again. I'm wondering if thats what she thinks is gonna happen because this shit is on a whole different level than before. This shit is a trust issue. Its a respect issue. Its a honesty issue. I don't feel like she was ever really my friend, especially since people have told me that they thought she was on some other shit when it came to me back in the day. I feel like it has been going on and me being me, I just been ignoring it. But now I've been on this whole you gone treat me right type shit or imma peace out on that ass, and believing the bullshit even when I know its lies days are over with.

I really think what happened was is her normal tactics that she would use towards me wasn't working. I stopped caring. I stopped going out of my way for her. I started being the friend to her that she been to me all this time and she wasn't happy about it. But it was long overdue. She always talking about her situation this and that, but she knows that I hate being used and taken advantage of and I hate needy ass people but that didn't stop her from always wanting to use our friendship as a motive to get me to do shit for her. And thats basically what it was. Like I said, my only requirement for friendship is me enjoying their company. I can pretty much deal with other shit, as long as the negativity isn't too bad. But her negativity had gotten to be too much for me.

I be tryna be a grown up, and most situations I never been down for, so now that I'm older its definitely out of the question for me. I don't care how small of a town we are from, its not cool to be sharing niggas with your friends. Shit like that does not exist in my world and I will do whatever to avoid it. I will pass a nigga on to my friend that I know I liked but just to avoid tension she can have him cause at the end of the day, the man decides who he wants and if he wants to try both of us, he won't the nigga for me anyway. The nigga thats for me gone be like Nope I want her, and I wouldn't fuck with any of her friends to jeopardize what we could have. He wouldn't even cross the line with any of my friends because he knows about respect and he won't let his dick make decisions for him. But sharing niggas, naw I'm not down for. And that was the main issue to me. I felt like she was cool with it. Like she didn't care about me fucking around with him as long as it didn't interfere with what she wanted him to do for her. And when it started to interfere it was like she felt like I was taking something from her and she had to fight back. But thats mindboggling to me because I went above and beyond and kept cool about them texting and talking to each other even when I felt like as a friend she should have drew the line herself but she didn't. And a lot of times I would talk to him about drawing the line between them two but he never did it either. I don't wanna say I let them be cool, but I let them live when it came to their friendship. What bitch do you know would have sat back and been cool about that shit and give them the benefit of the doubt about it even when YOU KNOW its a bunch of bullshit anyway?

I'm way too fucking nice and I know it. But I chose to be nice in a lot of situations because I just can't force myself to be mean on purpose, even when I feel like people deserve  the mean side of me. I'm not a punk or a bitch but I will avoid unnecessary conflict. I can walk away from some shit but this situation seems to need some type of conflict since me being peaceful doesn't make me feel better about it. I won't get any satisfaction from walking away this time because I have some things I want to express and get off my chest. A much needed conversation has to be had on both ends because I feel like this is something that would eat away at me for life. And I will feel better with myself knowing I tried to understand and that I tried to settle it and talk about it and get things back to a point where at least the tension is gone. I'm tryna be a grown up about it but I can't force anyone to be a grown up with me. And thats the bottom line of the situation. Everybody wanna act like they so grown and so responsible and so real, but when it comes down to being those things forreal, everybody flake out. That shit is not easy. I struggle with tryna be a grown up because I'd rather have things taken care of for me too but I can't live like this forever. I'm 26. And I could live on my own but right now I have a situation where I live with other people and help out as they need me to. I have my freedom, and space, but having a space of your own is always the best. At least to me. I'm tryna take life one day at a time and do the right thing by myself and people. And I need to get myself together because these extra thoughts are distracting me right now and I do not need distractions. I have to handle this, both situations, well its actually three, but I pray that God gives me the strength and courage to be honest and to be real and to keep calm when I know I will probably want to lash out and be defensive. being defensive is not gonna solve anything. God please allow me to be open to criticism about myself and allow me to express my feelings about others to them in a manner that will come across well. Amen.