I Hate This Feeling

Well for one, I just got back from MD the other day, and am already feeling homesick, as if Maryland was my actual home. Its crazy. But thats not even the feeling I'm talking about...

Today I had to check up on some shit dealing with school, and I can say that EVERY SINGLE TIME, I have to do anything dealing with school, it puts me in a bad mood. And I eventually come to the conclusion that I fuckng hate school and feel as though I will NEVER finish.

I've come to terms with the fact that I fucked up and SHOULD be graduating in a few weeks, but at this point, thats neither here nor there. But what I can't seem to come to terms with is I have at least 3 semesters of bullshit to go. A little more than a year to go. And the thought of that is making me want to cry. A year is by no means a long time, that is the only plus to my dilemma. But another year of hating school, and having to GO TO SCHOOL is whats gonna feel like death. I HATE having to do stuff. And yes, I know I don't have to go to school, but if you noted in a previous post, Im getting my degree for my mother, Not me.

I know I can do it. I will do it. But everytime I even begin thinking about school, I feel like a black cloud surrounds me and the closer I get to having to start school again, my world feels like its going to come crashing down. I feel like I'm in Limbo and Im going to be stuck in school for what will seem like forever even though I know it won't be. (SIGH)

I just don't know what to do at this point. I know what I need to do, but in order to savor a small amount of happiness I need to compromise. I had been preparing myself for summer school ever since January because I knew I would eventually have to go. But right now, Im thinking of any and ever way I can avoid it at all costs. I have plans for the summer that don't include me living on campus, going to class every day, suffering, because summers are for fun. NOT FOR SCHOOL. And as much as I may need to go, I refuse. Im going to see what I could do. I wish I was rich and could just pay somebody to go to class and do my work for me and I just collect that piece of paper at the end of it.

Let me stop because the more I write about it, the more sad it makes me. I thought this would help but I guess I have to much to say, and its only bringing up more hatred that I have for school. So I'm Out. Maybe tomorrow will be better. (SIGH)